Conference with a cold and my favorite scripture.

8:30am: Here's my kitchen in all of its horror...

If you could see it in real life you would understand why I'm sitting here typing... it's TRASHED! The other side of the room looks just about the same minus the food. I wanted to take a picture, but my phone is full, of course. Life can be so overwhelming. I can't seem to breathe. (ha! quite literally at the moment)

It was Conference Weekend and I've had a nasty cold since Thursday. Not a good combination. I've spent a lot of time on the couch... blah.

Oh, and just to add insult to injury -- I went outside yesterday for a moment of fresh air and I got stung by a wasp! I haven't been stung by a wasp or bee since I was a little girl! So weird! OUCH! (By the way, lavender oil works great on wasp stings -- the swelling and pain were gone in less than an hour.)

For the record, my sweet hubby and kids have been helpful -- bringing me tissues and cleaning up the house when needed, but last night we just kind of gave up. Zeke offered to clean, but I begged him to sit by me on the couch and watch another movie. This cold makes me feel like a big baby and my brain is so foggy... ugh.

Conference was great. I'm still trying to absorb it all and clarify my feelings and thoughts about some of the talks I would like to post about later. 

One scripture that really stood out to me (I noted 5 different speakers referencing it) was :

Matthew 11:28-30

"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I know I've mentioned on my blog a few times that this is my favorite scripture. 

It is THE scripture. The one that keeps me going. The one that got me going in the first place.

Long, long story, but when I was 18 and completely lost I had a miracle of a thought. To this day, I don't know what made me think it. I do know I'd hit rock bottom in my life and literally there was no way to go but up. I didn't realize this thought would change my life forever.

I thought maybe there was something to this Church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I wanted to find out for sure. I opened a Bible -- you know how people say they just randomly flip to a page and start reading? Well, I did that and came to Matthew 11: 28-30. The words practically jumped off the page at me! Those verses seemed highlighted somehow, like there was a glow surrounding them. Those simple, yet powerful verses changed my life forever. This was my answer. THE answer. I have never looked back.

This scripture has sustained me and strengthened me through the last 20 years, but trials still come. Life is very hard sometimes, but life can also be joyful and rewarding. There is always hope through the Atonement of our Savior. 

Yesterday, Richard G. Scott said something like, "The Lord sees weaknesses differently than He does rebellion. There is justice for rebellion, but for our weaknesses He shows mercy." I needed those words yesterday. I struggle SO much. I get SO mad at myself. I feel SO weak and unworthy sometimes.

I think of 2 Nephi 4:17-21 when Nephi says, "... O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins;"

Then he says, 

"Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions... He hath filled me with His love, even unto the consuming of my flesh!"

We need our Savior to help us overcome our weaknesses. He is THE answer. I have prayed earnestly to overcome my weaknesses and turn them over to Him. I know it's a daily battle and a lifelong process. I know I can't do it alone. I know in whom I have trusted.

Another quote from Conference (I think it's from Timothy Dyches of the Quorum of the 70):

"All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Christ."

One of my favorite talks was by Richard J. Maynes of the Presidency of the 70. It really brought me hope and comfort and... wow, the word that came to mind was vindication (for me, at least).

He said something like, "We need to develop spiritual stamina in order to find inner peace and strength to endure whatever challenge we wake up to each morning."

I appreciate so much that he acknowledged that some trials don't end. Some trials are with us throughout our earthly life. Many people face horrible and unthinkable and unbearable trials they are able to overcome through the help of our Savior and because they eventually end. (Like being out of work or recovering from a serious accident or illness). They get through it. It's an event in their life, not a way of life.

What about people that just have to endure? Their trial is ALWAYS there and most likely always will be. For some, it is reality. We need to have compassion and understanding for those people. Those people need to have compassion and understanding for themselves. (I'm talking to myself right here.) It's so hard, because some trials people face are invisible to others. Trials you can't actually "see" on the outside or maybe not realize how hard it is for them or what they are truly going through.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, "If the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and BE STRONG!"

I honestly loved that and "hated" it at the same time. It stung me (and it was supposed to). I faltered because of my weaknesses. It sounds too hard. I want a reprieve sometimes. It's hard to be strong! I truly appreciated his talk and related to much of it -- but it made me realize I need to accept my trials and not compare myself to others, to "come what may and LOVE it". (from Elder Wirthlin long ago)

I know the Lord knows exactly what we are going through. He understands fully and He can truly see everything. He loves us no matter what. I find great comfort in that eternal truth. I hope I can be strong enough to "drink the bitter cup" and keep going and even "LOVE it". 

One day at a time ... sometimes for me, it's one hour or even one moment at a time. I've come to realize that is what enduring is. We can't be perfect now and we certainly can't be perfect and happy every moment, but little by little we can keep going forward doing our best. That's all He asks. It is enough.

Friends and Flylady to the rescue! Oh, and an ICE BUN!

Alright, since my last post about de-cluttering and not mending everything, I've been feeling a lot better about the whole situation.

For one thing -- I signed up for FLYLADY emails again. She's like a personal online coach for organizing and taking control of your life. I've been going through spurts of following her suggestions off and on since, oh, 2001? I think. Whenever I'm following her "flight plan" I ALWAYS feel better and my house looks better and feels better too. You should seriously check her out! It's really easy to do AND well, easy not to do, and that is my problem. I need to stick to it. Her daily emails can be quite overwhelming at first, but most of them are just testimonials and I don't always read all of them -- you'll soon figure out which ones you need to read. Here's my (super fancy) Flight Plan for each day. I took the Flylady's suggestions and modified it a bit to my needs:

Also, several friends on Facebook gave me some really good suggestions to help tackle the clutter and excess in my house. My friend, Tawnya, sent me this great article about the "time cost" of our stuff and it really hit home. The minimalist lifestyle is really big right now -- a lot of it is just TOO much for me to process, but like Tawnya suggested, you can study up on it and find a "comfortable spot" for your family. :) I like that. Like a thoughtful spot?? Ahhhh.

My friend, Sharon, (I'm quoting you, ok???) said:  "I came to a similar revelation within the last year - just how much time I spend managing all my stuff. I move it, I organize it, I clean it, I fix it all because WHY would I get rid of something that I might need someday?? I've been just purging through stuff like crazy and the things I've realized is 1) We have way more stuff than anyone needs 2) I have NOT missed anything 3) I use the stuff I keep a lot more because I can find it and have time to use it and 4) It gets easier to let go the more you do it."  

This was great for me to hear --- I can do it, I can do it. I especially LOVE #3. Everyone suggested, including my dear friend, Maggie, that I should start with clothes.

SO, Monday got crazy -- LOTS of kids here playing and me trying to focus on the kitchen (keeping my sink clean and shiny is one of the Flylady's best secrets). When I'm consistent with it, my house IS "magically" much neater. I wonder why? I think it's like the broken window effect -- but inside. When the family sees the kitchen undone (including me) they're much more likely to leave out this or pile up that. It's true. SHINE YOUR SINK EVERY DAY! (Meaning, you have to have ALL of your dishes washed so you can actually get to the bottom of your sink to clean it!)

Tuesday -- well, on Tuesday, we got a PIANO, but that's another story. (We're keeping it here for a friend for a long while and I'm just thrilled!) Thank you, Debbie!

So, Tuesday, we attacked the kids closets and dressers. I guess I should take pictures. It felt really good. We didn't get rid of a whole LOT (since we just moved in April and I'd gone through stuff), but we organized everything and the kids got to decide what clothes they like the most. I also made labels (really fancy with painters tape, ha ha) to put on their drawers.

Anyway, it made me feel REALLY good. It was actually fun! Kaia always enjoys this because she gets Zoe's hand-me-downs -- but then, we have to go through her things again. I'm feeling better: I have a plan and I have great friends and family -- there isn't anything else I need, right? Well, maybe some GUMPTION.

Let me just say: I can't believe how BIG my children are getting! Time is flying by....

I'm VERY proud of them -- we had a really good last week of summer and first day of school.

Gabe and I were at the highschool on Monday picking up his schedule. When we were crossing the road, Gabe said, "Wait, Mom, don't cross yet, didn't you see that truck?" I just looked over at him and smiled and he said, "Well, I don't want anything to happen to you, I kinda like you."  MADE MY DAY FOREVER! Yep. 

Oh, and this is really random, but SO awesome, I wanted to share: During June, Beck played T-ball and we were always SO HOT watching his games. One day, Zoe decided to take an ice cube out of the cooler and put it in her bun. GENIUS. It has been my go-to hairdo for anything outside this summer and definitely for yard work. Seriously, it really helps keep you cool and it doesn't melt for quite awhile. I took a picture of Zoe's "ICE BUN" to show you -- the ice is the white circle in the middle, but in reality, we usually bury it completely inside and close to our head. Try it! (I really REALLY don't like to be hot.)

Funny how it's almost September and since we moved in April, I've completely lost track of my 2013 Mantra: Balance, Exactness, Focus.

Well, it's never too late to start. At the end of every Flylady email, she says: "You are not behind! I don't want you to try to catch up; I just want you to jump in where we are. O.K.?" 

Let's GO!

Christmas Magic

I was so excited during the weeks leading up to Christmas: decorating our little apartment, wrapping presents, baking goodies, reading Christmas stories each night, watching our favorite Christmas movies... I love it all.

The kids got out of school a few days before Christmas and I couldn't be happier. This year has been really crazy. Driving 4 kids to 4 different schools each morning has been insane... I can't seem to get anything accomplished, so I was really looking forward to the break. Just to chill and not drive everywhere all day and tell my kids a thousand times, "Time to get up, let's go, get in the car, we're going to be late, do your homework, go to bed!"

We live in the center of town where it's considered "walking distance" to all of the schools, so there are no buses to pick up my two older kids. Just to catch you up -- we sold our house and moved into an apartment the end of June. 1000 square feet, 6 people, 3 cats, yeah. But it's a actually good thing. We're building a house and it's supposed to be finished by March 1st, so I can almost see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, this is our first move in 9 years. I was really comfortable where we were. I knew everyone in our neighborhood and ward (church group). It was home. Exciting as the thought of building a new house may be, it has been quite an adjustment for all of us. We've been attending our new ward since we moved.

The new ward is nice enough, but it's new. I've really tried to get to know people and yet, I look around and I feel like I hardly know anyone.  We went to church the Sunday before Christmas and I was just feeling so sad. Walking into sacrament meeting, I felt like a total stranger. We sat down and saw so many people -- most of whom we didn't know, families that came to visit other ward members -- I had no idea who was who for that matter.

Anyway, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself... feeling sad that we moved... missing our old ward and neighborhood and friends... feeling very alone and hoping our Christmas break would be happy and relaxing. I've decided that moving is sort of like losing someone you love. Things will never be the same. You see or hear something that reminds you of your lost loved one or your old neighborhood and a flood of memories come back. It can be so overwhelming you feel like you will burst and no one really truly understands how you feel. No matter how wonderful your life is now, there's still something missing. Something that can never be replaced. It's a new "normal".

Sunday was bittersweet. New friends and cheerful smiles, a beautiful Christmas program -- but those familiar faces I've known for so long, those knowing smiles I'd come to rely on, the Christmas programs our ward did, the inside jokes, the special connections, and touching stories that bound us together for 9 years -- it just wasn't the same. That Sunday I couldn't figure out for the life of me why I chose to walk away from all of that. Familiar. Comfortable. Easy. My heart ached to go back, but really, there's no going back. Ever. It will never be the same. I look in the windows of our old home and see warm lights and happy smiles... but it's a new family. That life is gone.

I sound crazy. I know! We chose to leave. We felt like it was time to move on and bring our family closer together for many different reasons. We're so excited about our new house. REALLY. This year, however, I've truly realized it doesn't matter where you live. It matters what's inside you and what you do together as a family WHEREVER you live.

So after sacrament, I had agreed to substitute in nursery with the 3 year olds. I have to admit, I wasn't really looking forward to it. Since moving, I've been asked to sub in Primary (children's classes) a lot. It feels like every Sunday I'm there I'm substituting. I know I could say no, but that's just not me. I know they need help. Anyway, I feel like I haven't gotten to meet very many ladies in our ward because I never get to go to Relief Society. Blah blah blah, whine whine whine, I know. Nine years is a long time. I got really comfortable in our old ward. I knew everyone and everyone knew me. It's just going to take some time.

Nursery ended up being wonderful. The other lady helping in the nursery was so nice and friendly -- it means a lot. The children were adorable. We got to take them into Primary with the older kids for awhile to help them adjust since they would no longer be in nursery starting in January. They were so nervous. They didn't even know me and they held my hand so tight. A few of them had tears in their eyes and told me they wanted to go back to the nursery.

Everyone in the Primary was so excited to have the little nursery kids there. They were so friendly and they had fun songs and games for them -- but the nursery kids were afraid. They wanted something familiar and comfortable and easy. I knew just how they felt! My heart filled with love for these sweet little children. The rest of my Sunday was filled with serving and giving and understanding -- I wasn't feeling sorry for myself anymore. Substituting in nursery that day had been a gift just for me. A tender mercy from a kind and loving Heavenly Father. I loved nursery so much I offered to substitute the following Sunday! :)

Christmas was absolutely magical for me this year. I woke up on Christmas Eve feeling kind of depressed and stressed and blah. Not really sure why -- just a lot going on. I was wishing we could be with family -- we visited our parents for Thanksgiving and decided we would stay home for Christmas. It was snowing like crazy -- I was bummed thinking about our house that is waiting to be shingled and how many more weeks the storm will set us back. I was stressed -- Zeke and I were trying to deal with various issues with our children and it's just very emotionally draining and hard not to wallow in it sometimes. I was tired -- I remember curling up with the family to watch "Elf" around noon and I fell asleep for a bit. I hardly ever sleep in the middle of the day. Not sounding very magical, is it?

Okay, as a family, we like to pick someone to do the "12 days of Christmas" for each year. If I remember, I'll do a blog post about what we actually do -- it's very inexpensive and really fun. Anyway, the person we chose was someone we didn't know very well --  a man who lives by our apartment. He lives alone and well, all six of us wanted him to be the one for various reasons. So that was definitely a great experience -- anonymously leaving treats and gifts on his doorstep each night for eleven nights. We hoped it would bring him some Christmas cheer.

Christmas Eve was the last day. On this day, we all go as a family and introduce ourselves and give the final treat. I was still feeling blah and it was still snowing. We bundled up around 3pm and trudged over to his apartment. He was SO thrilled to finally learn who had been leaving all of the treats. We had met him previously this fall so it was fun to chat and get to know him better. It was then I noticed a little bit of happy creep into my heart, a little less blah -- I was thinking about someone else besides myself.

Directly in front of his apartment is a narrow alleyway on a fairly steep hill. By this time, the snow was at least 6 inches deep and there were no snow plows in sight on Christmas Eve. We ran back over to our apartment, bundled up a little more, grabbed our sleds, and raced back to the alley. It was awesome!    The alley was great: not too fast, not too bumpy, and all to ourselves. It was then I realized I was smiling and laughing AND that I had been for quite awhile.

The man we had just visited came outside and visited some more while we sledded and watched the kids.  He told us more about him --  both his parents had passed away, he was divorced twice, and his kids were grown and married and really didn't visit him much. It's almost as hard for me to type that sentence as it was for me to hear him say it. I can still see his face and the ache I felt in my heart. I wish I could tell you more about him, but I don't want to get too personal.

We had a really good visit and I just knew we needed to invite him over for Christmas Day to eat dinner with us. I looked at Zeke and I knew he was thinking the same thing. So we did. He said he might come. He was invited to his brother's house a couple hours away, but with the storm he wasn't sure if he wanted to travel that far. We encouraged him to come over and hang out with us.

We came in from sledding way past dark and I seriously felt like a little kid again. I can't remember the last time I've felt quite that way. It was truly magical! What a simple thing -- taking treats to a neighbor and spontaneously going sledding on an empty street. Later, we opened our traditional Christmas Eve present (or two or three -- thanks Grandmas and Grandpas!) The kids were excited about their presents, but they kept mentioning how much fun it had been to go sledding and how excited they were to have our new friend over for dinner the next day.

We read the account of the Savior's birth from the Bible and somehow got the kids in bed (notice I didn't say ASLEEP). Christmas morning came bright and early as Beck woke up at 5am wanting to know "did he come? did Santa come?" I think we got everyone up and ready to go around 6am. We opened presents and it was crazy. (I'll save that story for another day.) Anyway... it was mostly good.

After breakfast, I started fixing our Christmas Dinner. We planned to eat at 3pm and there was lots to do. Everyone pitched in and at 2:55, the table was set and ready, so I went to the bathroom to freshen up a bit before dinner. While I was in the bathroom I heard the doorbell ring. A wave of butterflies surged through my stomach -- he's here! I wasn't sure if he would really come. I was nervous, but excited.

We had a great dinner. He was so grateful and kind. He was really interesting to talk to and the conversation just seemed to flow. He kept complimenting our children on their good manners (what the? yeah, it was a truly magical day in many ways). He stayed for a few hours and I felt like it was one of THE best Christmases I've ever had. We talked a lot about our beliefs and membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He is also a member of our Church.

My heart ached for all that he has been through and all that he is going through. Suddenly, my "trials" and "troubles" seemed so incredibly trivial and even foolish and shameful. I tried to empathize with him, but I found myself flailing over every word I'd try to say. He was so happy just to have someone to spend Christmas with and I felt ashamed for feeling so crowded and overwhelmed with my little family sometimes. He has so many health problems and I felt so grateful to realize how healthy we really are and what a blessing that is.

Without any fancy presents, parties, or plans, and basically a "stranger" at our table, I felt closer to the Savior this Christmas than any other Christmas I can recall. I felt His love for me and my sweet little family. I felt His love for this kind man. I felt JOY. I don't know how to describe it, but joy is different from happiness. It is more than happy. It floods your entire mind and body with peace and fulfillment and hope and love. It's the true Spirit of Christmas.

This feeling set the mood for our family. Again, this is not like other Christmases. We're usually all sick and fighting most of the time. We have been SO blessed for Zeke to have two weeks vacation from work. It's been so cold and it has snowed so much, we haven't really gone anywhere. Quite simply, we have spent time together. The clock has literally come to a stop and it has been the most wonderful Christmas, here in this tiny apartment.

Just being together. No plans, no running around, no expectations, no fevers, no doctor visits, no alarm clocks, no homework, no schedules: just playing, cooking, eating, watching movies, building with Legos, taking pictures, laughing, playing video games and board games, singing, dancing, thinking, talking, reading, napping, cuddling, living, being. There is no price tag on the gifts I have received.

I'll be quiet. And I'll be peace.

10 points if you can name the movie where the title of my post came from. Sometimes, I can only think in movie quotes. It's "Worded-down" Wednesday here. I'm feeling a rare burst of energy today and I hope to work on de-cluttering my house a bit...

Before I dive into that, I wanted to share a couple photos with you. Last week, I was sewing (one of my favorite ways to relax). Beck (my 3 year old son) and Wilson (our 3 month old kitten) were both napping. The sun was shining through my window and everything in the world just felt right.

When they're awake, Beck and Wilson "help" maintain a very high level of chaos and noise in our house. Everyone was taking advantage of the peace and quiet.

Here's Caspian and Noira relaxing on my bed, 

while Kaia's reading "Sea of Monsters":

(#2 from Percy Jackson and the Olympians)

 Zoe and Wilson enjoying some cuddle time:

The Real Deal

I woke up in a funk the other morning. Around 4am I had a nightmare about my Dad... I just couldn't seem to shake it all day long.

Things got to me all day, that feeling again like I don't fit in, I'm a terrible mother, a terrible person, a failure.
Life is too hard, things are too sad and scary and HARD.

Did I mention that life is hard?

Stressed, anxious, depressed, scared.

I just wanted to be home with my kids.

I came home and read some scriptures, helped fix some of the girl's Polly Pocket dresses (no small task), helped Beck make a track for his car, moved all the pictures around on my wall and added some more, made dinner, just going through the motions really. I just felt sad and lost today.

Zeke came home tired and stressed too. We couldn't wait to get the kids to bed. I came downstairs to find Zoe starting the movie, "The Other Side of Heaven". I love this movie. I love the Tongan people (and I love Anne Hathaway). Most of all, I love the message. I felt the Spirit so strongly.
My heart needed it.

I couldn't find the exact quote, but I love the part after the storm and they all make it to shore and one of them says sometimes the Lord calms the storm and sometimes He calms the sailor. I've heard that many times before, but then Elder Groberg says, "and sometimes He just lets us swim." Isn't it true? I know that God loves us and helps us, but sometimes I think we have to work things out ourselves so we can learn and grow and exercise our faith.

My favorite quote that brought me peace, "There is a connection between heaven and earth. Finding that connection gives meaning to everything, including death. Losing that connection makes everything lose meaning, including life."

I am convinced the only thing in this world that brings any peace to my troubled heart is The Gospel of Jesus Christ. I feel better because of the truths I was reminded of that give me hope for a better day and faith in an eternal family. It's the real deal!

I invite all of you, especially those members of my family who don't have this peace in their lives, to come unto Christ. ALL of you.
Pray to know if this Gospel is true.
I know that I haven't been the best example every moment of my life, but I know this church is true and I am forever grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ that makes it possible for me and for everyone to repent of their mistakes and try to become a better person each day. A change of heart. We have the opportunity to be Eternal Families and live again with our Father in Heaven in peace and love because of His Son.
"I tremble to know that for me He was crucified.
That for me, a sinner, He suffered, He bled, and died..."
("I Stand All Amazed", Hymns #193)

"Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end"

Be Still My Soul, Hymns #124

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy Heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

I heard this hymn this morning as I was getting ready for church. The words are so powerful and comforting. God is real. He lives. He knows us and loves all of us. We are His children. I am so thankful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and for this beautiful hymn. It has spoken to my heart this weekend and given me peace where I didn't think I could find any. Miracles have come to pass. I know that God hears and answers our prayers. Thank you and I hope you know who you are.

I wanted to re-post a beautiful quote from Mother Teresa. It helps me keep going in spite of opposition. I hope we can all see the good in others.

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.

Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.
Give the best you have and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway."
— Mother Teresa