All I've got is a photograph...

Okay, so you know the thing I was stressing about last week (#6 to be exact)... well, I survived and it was actually a really great experience. I've been trying to write about it all week and aside from all sorts of craziness around here, it's been hard to put my thoughts down "on paper" so to speak. Just FYI, before you waste 10 minutes reading this post: there are a LOT of links and I LOVE Def Leppard. Okay, you've been warned...

This is my sister, Brenda. She passed away in 2005 from cancer.
(more about her)

Anyway, Zeke and I went to a Def Leppard concert last week with some awesome friends... I still can't quite formulate the words I want to say... I've jotted down several notes to compile later and I think I'm just going to post it how it is and add some "..." like I always do.

It brought back SO many memories. Good and Bad. I think so much of my sister. She took me to a Def Leppard concert when I was 13 (or 14?). The things we said, the things we did -- things we never got to do, things I wish I had said and done. Life will never be the same for anyone who knew her. My life is a new "normal". I can't believe it's been six years... some days it feels like forever and some days (when I was at the concert) it seems like only yesterday.

It was a 3 hour ride into my past... all the feelings were still there under the surface, just like I feared. For a moment, it was like she had died all over again. I will never forget where I was and what I was doing when I received that phone call...

The old songs from the "Pyromania" album, were SO painful and yet, brought back SO many wonderful memories at the same time. Especially, "Foolin", "Bringin' on the Heartbreak", and "Photograph". I can just remember Brenda dancing and singing, "F-F-F-foolin', ah F-F-foolin', F-F-F-foolin', ah F-F-foolin'!" Wow, just like it was yesterday... she was so cute.

Ever since I was old enough to pay attention to music... I knew that my big sister liked rock and roll and she LOVED Def Leppard. "Pyromania" came out in 1983, I was eight years old. To me, Def Leppard WAS Brenda and Brenda was Def Leppard. I know that sounds silly, but I associate so many memories and people with music.

So to go back to Def Leppard without her... the guilt was killing me. I felt like I was betraying her, forgetting her, moving on. I didn't want to forget or let go. It felt wrong to have fun without her. Not to mention my niece, Angee (her oldest daughter), who went with us back in 1988. I never get to see her anymore, she lives so far away.

Def Leppard started with "Let's Get Rocked" -- it was AMAZING to hear the crowd yell as one, "Get your butt right out of bed! Get up and move your sleepy head! Mow the lawn! Walk the dog! Take out the trash! Tidy your room!" I couldn't help but smile. :)

I loved to watch them, everyone was singing EVERY word in unison and having the time of their life! I saw all the people enjoying themselves, being crazy, careless, wild, happy -- but it bothered me just a bit. During the first song, I became sad and really angry and I wanted to yell, "How can all of you celebrate and enjoy this? Don't you know that someone is missing? Someone that should be HERE! Someone who won't go home to their children tonight. Someone who loved me probably more than I loved her. Someone who fought with all she had for 4 years to beat cancer and she lost." I know it seems crazy, but it just wasn't fair. I felt sad that I couldn't feel the joy and reckless abandon like everyone around me seemed to be enjoying. Life was weighing me down, guilt and sadness were overwhelming me....

Those early songs from Pyromania just killed me, but at the same time they were AWESOME. The second song was "Bringin' on the Heartbreak". When they started singing, "Gypsy, sittin' lookin' pretty, the broken rose with laughin' eyes, you're a mystery, always runnin' wild, like a child..." I just completely broke down. That's about when Zeke said, "Honey, turn around, so she can take our picture." I said "NO!" And then I looked up at Zeke and realized he was having a blast just like everyone else, so I turned around and smiled. After all, it was pretty dang AWESOME! I just felt so sad.
They really put on a good show. The whole atmosphere and feeling of the concert was just so happy and celebratory. I enjoyed watching people enjoying themselves and singing out loud as I sang EVERY word in my head and wished I could just let go.... I was SO jealous of those people... they looked as if they didn't have a care in the world.

They also played "Rock On" a song I know (an old song from David Essex, re-done by Michael Damian for the movie "Dream a little Dream" with Corey Haim -- wow, that brings back some memories too!) and for a moment I was okay, kind of like a nice pallet cleanser? It wasn't Def Leppard, it wasn't Brenda, just an awesome concert. I realized the Def Leppard songs are just so tied to her memory. When I spoke at her funeral, I actually talked about Def Leppard and how much they remind me of her.... yeah, I'm sure her Bishop thought I was NUTS. I was that day. Maybe I still am. For the record, Def Leppard sang it better!

Or maybe I just don't know how to let go and forget for a moment... but since Brenda died, I usually only let myself listen to Def Leppard in small doses, a song or two on the radio here and there. Any more than that is just too painful, but to go to their concert and here them play live for almost 2 hours, I think 12 or 13 songs... it was an absolute emotional overload... a FLOOD of emotions. I was completely drowned in memories. I loved it and I hated it. I couldn't wait to go home, but at the very same time, I never wanted it to end. It was almost like nothing had changed.

Then, they sang "Photograph"... oh man, I thought I would burst.

Some Def Leppard trivia for a minute: Steve Clark was the original co-lead guitarist. He died in 1991, of a combination alcohol/prescription drug overdose. It happens to the best of them. Anyway, on the stage behind the band were some huge television screen things and during "Photograph" they showed a really cool slide show of the band all through the years. At the first, they showed many pictures of Steve Clark... they remembered him, they haven't forgotten, BUT they've also MOVED on and found joy NOW. They celebrated his life and the time they had with him. I wondered if some songs bring back painful memories for the band.

I felt like that song was their tribute to Brenda. I know it's crazy, they have no idea who she is or how incredibly awesome her laugh was and how cute her dimples were and how brave she was when she was so sick. Somehow it helped me to come full circle, right there during the concert and heal a little more, I guess. It was so amazing. Zeke kept saying she would want me to enjoy it and I was, really guys, in my own way. It was wonderful!

I'm just so thankful to know that someday Brenda will be resurrected and I can see her again. Well and whole. I'm thankful for my family, my husband, my friends, my health, for surviving my cancer scare, for my kids, for my neighbors who helped me, for you tube, for good fun music. Really! They rocked and they were having SO much fun up there, it's really fun to see people enjoy what they're doing. I forgot to mention that Heart opened for them. They ROCK! It was so fun... ooh, "Barracuda"!:)

It was also good for me to realize I have OTHER memories associated with Def Leppard... "Hysteria" (LOVE this one!!) and "Love Bites". They played both of them (Thank you very much!) Those remind me of Zeke all the way...

They ended with "Rock of Ages"and the drummer Rick Allen, started with the classic, "Gunter, glieben, glauchen, globen". Go ahead and look that up on Wikipedia! It's a great story, thanks for telling me, Sharon. I couldn't help but laugh right out loud and smile and just feel like I was part of the coolest club ever. It was just awesome!

The concert was truly AMAZING. They are still SO talented. Also, for the record, I also have INCREDIBLE, WONDERFUL, AWESOME friends and my hubby, I LOVE YOU GUYS.

I will never forget Brenda. Right now, "All I've got is a photograph" and memories. But MY life is now and I need to enjoy it more. Life goes on whether we want it to or not. It's okay. "Sorry Dad gotta disappear, let's get the ROCK outta here!"

Beauty Tips

I wanted to share this with my niece, Angee, and when I read it again, I still love it so much I wanted to share it will all of you:

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; Never throw out anybody.

Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

Sam Levenson

Posted October 1999

Contrary to what some may think, Audrey Hepburn did not write this beautiful poem, Sam Levenson did. Levenson wrote "Time Tested Beauty Tips" for his grandchild, and it just so happened to be one of Audrey's favorite poems. She read it to her children on the very last Christmas Eve she spent with us here on Earth.

WAY better than Disneyland

Lacy, you just took your youngest child to preschool for the next 3 hours,

what are you going to do next?!

"I'm going to the temple!"

Now I've done it!

Okay, I seriously need to write a blog post... life is so busy and crazy right now.

A quote I really like, "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." Life is too short. No one is perfect. Look for the good. People can change.

I also believe that no matter how hard you try, you cannot get people to believe or see something they don't want to, even if it is the truth. Like Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do." But the truth will come to light someday and I am at peace knowing that retribution is with God. Let go and let GOD. Some good life lessons learned this week, not by choice, but maybe this was needed long ago.

Just FYI, we have ONE computer and now that school's out for the summer, there are FIVE of us waiting in line to use it during the day. Yeah, I'm thinking one post a week might be pushing it.

We've been swimming, BBQ-ing, cleaning, painting, gardening, laughing, crying, cooking, shopping, going to gymnastics, movie watching, reading, and staying up WAY too late... and just enjoying not having to do homework every night!

By the way, we watched a movie on Netflix called, "Outsourced", I really liked it.

NEWS of the week:

1) My neighbor and dear friend, Lora, is EXPECTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the best news ever!
2) I got to meet a blog friend this week! Amber, I had a great time finally talking to you in person. Your kids are adorable! I wish I would have taken more pictures.
3) Zoe had an "Un-birthday" party today. Ever since she could talk, she's wanted a water party: swimming, water balloons, sprinklers, etc. Poor girl was born in November... so this year, she got her wish! :)
4) Last Saturday, I invited the girls from my Book Club and their families over for a BBQ. It was the best night ever! :) I seriously LOVE every single one of these women; they have saved my life. To see some of the highlights... go here, this is my dear friend, Tawnya's blog. This is Beck and his best friend, Sammy, at the BBQ. This is serious. Beck does NOT want to share Sammy with Kaia. At all. Or with anyone else. Sammy is the man! Beck talks about him all day and pretends he's here. :)
5) Gabe (far right) and his buddies heading to a Young Men's activity... they look pretty dang cute I think!

Zeke and I are so blessed. We have so many wonderful people in our life. Thank you to Lora, Tawnya, Amber, Nancy, Nicole, Melissa, Lisa, and anyone else who has made me smile. :)

Wow, suddenly June is half over. I need to take more pictures and keep working on my "to do" list. I've re-painted Beck's room and the family room. Next up is our room and the deck!

Next week: swimming lessons

Oh, and some good advice I learned the hard way,
"Never toss a bag of topsoil into your trunk!" (Do I need to explain?)

decisions, decisions

Last Saturday, Zeke and I started watching a movie in bed around 10:30pm. FYI, I am NOT a late night person... I just cannot stay awake. So sometime around? I don't know? midnight... I was SCARED awake by this horrible snorting/choking pig noise. Then, I suddenly realized I was choking a little and gasping for air and.... then, I realized it was ME! I had fallen asleep sitting up and snored/snorted so loud I woke myself up. How attractive.

We've been married for 15 years now, and I am still so embarrassed. I think Zeke was embarrassed for me too, because he didn't really laugh too much (on the outside anyway). I was really confused and groggy and said, "*snort* Wha! What's going on?! *gasp*" and he just said, "Uh, honey, I think you were snoring..." Nice. Anyhoo...

Saturday is Zeke's graduation... YAY!
Saturday is also Zeke's big party... it will be fun, right?
So far 168 people have said they are coming. 168 people! In my backyard.
Or if the weather doesn't hold, we'll be at the church, but still.
I've got a LOT of work to do.

So this is what I should be doing:

• mowing the lawn
• cleaning out the garden
• cleaning my house
• grocery shopping
• fixing the hole and scratches in the paint on our wall from trying to put our couch in the basement
  
• getting lights, music, and decorations for the party
• preparing my Primary lesson for Sunday... yeah.
• taking down the trampoline -- 168 people? that's just a law suit waiting to happen.
  
• etc
• etc
• etc (i.e. WORK)
  

This is what I've been doing:

• blogging
• making the "perfect station" on Pandora. Today? The Hives, Jet, Jimmy Eat World, The Script, Jack Johnson...
• playing "Just Dance" with Beck... our favorite song? "Lump" from Presidents of the U.S.A.
• stressing about my aquarium... I lost two fish over the weekend and I took a water sample in to PetSmart and the ammonia levels are really high. Not sure why. I love my fishies.
• sewing funky pillows for my bed, oh the possibilities...
• reading "The Help", so far I like it. It's a great distraction from the party. At this point anything is. I'm excited, but I would rather just have it be here than stress about it.
• stressing about my aquarium... I've changed the water twice since Saturday. :(
• redesigning an old dress of mine after seeing this. I hope it turns out... Here's the before:

I sound like a 10 year old... and you know, this week, I kinda feel like one.

*GOOD NEWS!!* Remember Kaia's weird little growth/mole thing on her tummy? I took her in yesterday and it's nothing serious at all. Some weird phenomenon where the lymph nodes and blood vessels group together on the surface of the skin. Official name? lymphangeoma circum scriptum (spell check did NOT like that one!) Nick name? Frog Spawn! (I am NOT kidding!) When Kaia heard that she yells, "Wicked!!! I'm going to tell Hannah that I have frog spawn on my tummy!" :) Oh, I am so happy it makes me cry. We are blessed.

Oh, and one more VERY important thing... it's Book Club on Thursday! How does it always seem to come just in time?

Satan gave me some Zyrtec

You know that song, "Satan gave me a taco" from Beck. Yeah, you probably don't, but it's one of our family favorites. You just might click on another blog right about now...

Well, as you know, yesterday, was not my best day. However, I woke up feeling absolutely FABULOUS today... could it be all the wonderful comments you posted yesterday? DEFINITELY. I'm so thankful for all of you. I love you all!

Could it be a random girl's night at my neighbor Lora's house? YES, most definitely! Oh dear, have you woke up the next morning after a night of crazy and thought, "Why did I say that?", "Why did I do that?" Yeah, it was that fun! Here are my accomplices, if you ever need any dirt on me, they have it:

LORA
TAWNYA
SHARI
ALLISON (I don't know if you have a blog and
I think I might have freaked you out a little, but I thought it was fun.)

Well, I also realized that way back on Monday, I was having seasonal allergy issues, so before I went to bed I took a Zyrtec. And when I woke up yesterday I felt AWFUL. Shaky and stressed and tired and groggy and DEPRESSED. It was the Zyrtec. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it! By the way, I did NOT take a Zyrtec last night, but I did consume quite a bit of chocolate. Hmmm... I think there's a connection.

So, I have to fill you in on the events yesterday:

Visiting teaching went really well. Prayer changes things. Even my prideful stubborn heart. (sometimes) I had a strong feeling that I'm right where I need to be for the moment for good or bad. My partner has a lot of strengths I didn't recognize until yesterday. The Spirit helped me a lot. I think sometimes Satan doesn't want us to go visiting teaching because it's so good for us. Carry on.

"Zoe and Kaia and sharing a bedroom" SAGA: Zoe prayed about it again yesterday morning before school and we made another list of pros and cons. Zeke and I talked with her about when you make a decision and pray about it and get a good feeling that you shouldn't second guess it. If it's right, it's right. That being said -- it doesn't mean everything will go smoothly 100% of the time. We tried to use the analogy of us getting married, we know it's right, we love each other, but sometimes we really can't stand the sight of each other. (NO, we didn't say that to Zoe!) But we did say that sometimes it's hard being married, but we keep going because we love each other and it's mostly FUN:)

So, after school, she said, "I really want to share a room with Kaia, it's more fun than not!" She has been at peace ever since... and I am more than a little excited to reclaim the family room! HAPPY DAY!

Oh, one of the MANY topics of conversation at girl's night:

If you don't know, this guy is Jani Lane, the lead singer from a 90's hairband called Warrant. (Yes, I LOVED them!)

Don't you think I look like him? My brother says I do.
(Thanks for the picture, Tawnya)
Being totally whacked is much better than being depressed.
Oh, and I almost forgot to thank my awesome hubby for encouraging me to go hang out with my friends and for taking care of the kids. LOVE you.

Look what came in the mail!

Okay, so it really happened. I am NOT dreaming. Zeke really did graduate from Utah State in December! Really. His diploma came in the mail on Friday. (They don't have a Fall Commencement anymore -- he'll walk in the Spring. And we are going to have the biggest party ever!) It has been a LONG time coming. I'm so proud of you, sweetie!
and I am SO glad it's OVER!!!!!

"uphill and smiling" meets "mother of the wild boys"... and NOIRA

Doctrine and Covenants 122:9 "Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands."

First of all, my checkup went really well. I am SO relieved to have it over with! I won't find out the test results until Friday. Thank you all SO much for your prayers and concern. It really brightened my day to hear all of your words of love and encouragement :) I've decided it's good for people to know so they can pray for me! I know there is great power in prayer and I'm so thankful for everyone that has prayed in my behalf.

Mercifully, my checkup went really fast. (waiting and all) Afterward, I ran over to Wal-Mart for a minute to get myself a prize for being such a good patient. (Yes, I was!) I felt so happy just to be done. I really felt the Spirit comforting me and telling me that everything will be okay. I also felt like my sister, Brenda, was there holding my hand and helping me be brave.

As I was coming into the store and getting a cart, I got a little teary-eyed just thinking of my sister and enjoying the peace of the Spirit. I looked up and saw my friend, Shauntae! I love this woman! We had such a good visit. Thanks, Shauntae, for letting me talk your ear off. You are a great friend. I think I hugged her at least 4 times! It was so fun to see someone I haven't seen for awhile and cheer me up after that nasty checkup. I'm so glad it was her.

I spoiled myself with an almond truffle (no picture, but just think CHOCOLATE), I'm a bad girl!

A new clock for the bathroom (our other one stopped working for good):
A 2011 calendar (I always get a funny cat one. Sorry, Dedra):

And a $20 wreath I've been wanting to buy since before Thanksgiving.
It was on clearance for $5! Yeah, by now, I was positively euphoric:

So I picked up Beck from Jessica's and talked her ear off as well. Thanks for listening to me vent, Jessica. I think you are "da bomb" and I love ya! I got her a truffle too. :)

As soon as I got home, I noticed a small black kitten on our deck. Today was just getting better and better! No, seriously, Zeke and I have talked and we decided two cats are enough. But this kitten was ca-yute! I wasn't going to make a big deal about it and I didn't want the kids to see it, but it looked so hungry. Before the kids got home from school, I just took a small bowl of food to the side of the house for it. That was all! I guess it's all my fault, but on Friday night it kept coming to the door and the kids were going crazy over it.
By Saturday morning, we talked/begged Zeke into letting us feed it on the deck. A few hours later, SHE was in the house! The kids were in heaven (I'm included in "the kids" you know). The funny thing was Caspian and Pippin hissed at her a few times and then they were like, "Okay, whatever!" (It's meant to be, right?) And we were all in the kitchen playing together. We spent most of the morning trying to come up with a name for her:
I wanted to keep tradition and go with the name of a character from a book. Luna (Harry Potter) or Piper (The Lost Hero) or Eilonwy (Chronicles of Prydain)... but the kids weren't going for it. They wanted to name her "Blackberry". So we decided to vote on it. Gabe is taking a French class at school and he told us that "noir" means black in French. So we came up with "Noira" and that was our final pick. This kitty is BLACK!
Here's the kicker, I was trying to be a good Samaritan and I called Animal Control to see if anyone had reported a missing cat. You know, if she belonged to someone, it wouldn't be right for us to keep her. Well, I got a surprise! They told me it is against city ordinance to "harbor a stray". I had no idea that would happen. They gave us until 4pm to find the owners or they would have to confiscate her. I was crushed! We finally talked/begged Zeke into keeping the cat and now we couldn't... isn't it ironic? (don't ya think)

We said a prayer that we could find Noira's owners and we called several people in our neighborhood and went to several houses. But no one claimed her. The officer came to get her and everyone was really SAD. He said we need to give the owners a chance to claim her and if no one does after 4 days we can adopt her. I think that's the right thing to do. Well, no one has claimed her yet, but it now costs $85 to adopt a cat from the Humane Society! We are so torn.

I had a dream last night that we went to the Humane Society and they told us we could have her for free because we were so honest and cooperative with Animal Control. It was a good dream until I looked down at Noira and she was just a plastic toy cat... hmm?

I can take a hint!

Here I am. Monday, January 3rd, 2011. The 3 older kids are back at school again. Zeke is at work. Beck is watching "Kipper" (Thank you, Netflix!) And I'm thinking I need to post on my blog... it's been a week and that's a long time for me!

This last week has been a blur. The entire holiday break is a blur. But we did have fun in spite of all the sickness. And more importantly, we are feeling better for the most part. I'm doing as well as I can right now.

Way back in January 2007, my Dad had a heart attack and I wanted to go see him. Zeke was so wonderful. He took off work and stayed home with the kids so I could drive to Orem where my Dad was in the hospital. Only one problem: my retarded bladder was acting up again. (FYI, stress is one of the triggers for my IC) I remember Zeke gave me a blessing before I left and it was one of those blessings that you didn't really feel better, but you felt peace at the same time. Does that make any sense at all? Probably not. But he said something like, "You will have health problems your entire life, but you will be able to enjoy your life in spite of them." It took my breath away, but at the same time I already knew that would be my fate. I am just so thankful to be here.

I don't suffer from any serious/major health problems really, but I always have something. Anyway, my IC has been terrible this Christmas. Dr. Pitcher gave me a HUGE list of foods that can be triggers for a flare up. Chocolate is one of them. I'm almost positive it affects me. NOT CHOCOLATE! I love chocolate so much! Really. But as horrible as I have felt, it's an easy trade. 2011 will be very different in that respect. But I might fudge a little on that one now and then, no pun intended!

We watched two great movies over the holiday:

"Avalon High" -- A Disney movie made from a book by Meg Cabot (author of the Princess Diaries). Now, this movie won't win any major awards, but I LOVED it! We all did! The twist at the end was AWESOME! I love when I'm surprised by a movie. Very cute. It's all about King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, Sir Lancelot, and Queen Guinevere. My kind of movie.

"Stone of Destiny" -- true story about Ian Hamilton, a guy from Scotland who tried to raid Westminster Abbey in 1951 to bring back the "Stone on Scone" a symbol of Scottish pride back to Scotland where it should be. LOVED THIS!! Charlie Cox from "Stardust" starred in this movie. He's great.

Gabe made shoes out of duct tape! He is so creative.
He actually wore them to school today. :)

On New Year's Eve, we took the kids bowling. It was great!
This was Beck's first time :)

Zeke cooked steak and homemade fries for us and we also had Fortune Cookies (one of our New Year's traditions). I guess I'm the kind of person that believes in fate and destiny and all that, but I try to take my fortunes pretty seriously. The rest of the family got happy, predictable, positive fortunes like: "You will be very prosperous and successful in your business ventures." or "Your travel plans will take an exciting turn this year." or "Your wit and ingenuity will bring great success to your life."

Well, this was my fortune for 2011:

"There is a time to be practical -- NOW."

Coincidence, no! Remember the quote from Elder Holland, "A coincidence is just a small miracle in which God chooses to remain anonymous." This fortune was PERFECT for me. Not exactly what I wanted to hear (not at all really), but I can take a hint.

I have too many plans, I'm trying to run faster than I am able and I know I just need to slow down. For now, my New Year's plans are to:

1. Join the Ward Choir (I've been waiting for the "perfect" timing and I think this is as good as it's going to get)

2. Finish writing my book... more details later. I actually have 3 book ideas, but I've decided to focus on one this year and see if I can actually get it published.

3. Take better care of myself.

4. AND take Ballroom Dance lessons with Zeke! (Did I tell you that was his Christmas present to me?) I was so excited, I started crying when I opened the envelope.

Happy New Year!!

I forgot to add a scripture to go with this post (this is one of my goals for the year as well):

Jacob 6:12 says, "O be wise; what can I say more?"

Copy and Paste: My world with a smile...

I am being a slacker... I'm copying and pasting my FB statuses... "Life may take you where you least expect it -- always have faith that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Interesting thought... they say Faith is an action... at what point do you take action and make your life as close as possible to what you want? or do you just sit back and let things happen?" I was feeling sorry for myself this week... yeah, I'll go into it later - or NOT.

Today I'm thinking I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, because this is the world I am used to: "Well, this is my world: Kaia is sick with 104 degree fever and coughing, Zeke's been in New Jersey for work since Dec. 10th! and he's finally/hopefully coming home today, Beck is throwing crayons and making Zoe cry, but you know, I'm still happy, life is good. I'm so thankful for medicine to help Kaia and I'm so thankful for my Mom and for my neighbors who gave Kaia a Priesthood blessing last night. :)" Thank you Brother Sullivan and Brother Hale :)

Anyway, we had some Christmas travel plans... who knows with Kaia being sick. She has reactive airway disease and a small cold can give her pneumonia overnight. Really.
But what can I do at this point? We've actually been very blessed this fall... she hasn't been sick since Halloween and that IS amazing for her. It sounds crazy, but I actually feel at peace... we don't have to juggle schedules or trips yet... it all depends on when Kaia is feeling better. I believe Heavenly Father has a plan for us, for everything. Of course I don't want Kaia to be sick ever, but I just feel like there is a reason why she is right now.

Even though, Zeke has been gone, the kids and I have done pretty well. They have been very good helpers and we've had a lot of fun in spite of missing Dad. I had a special movie night with each of the 3 older kids, just one on one, they got to pick the movie... I think this will become a tradition. Not that I want Zeke to go out of town for work all the time, but hey, it is what it is and I'm trying to make the best of it. Netflix is awesome, by the way :)

Gabe's movie: "Fear of the Dark" what was I thinking?!?! Now, don't judge me, or if you do, don't tell me about it, because I don't care. I checked the movie on the internet movie data base and it's as "good" as a horror movie gets. We were both scared... but it was fun.

Zoe's movie: "The Princess Who Never Laughed" an old 80's "Faerie Tale Theater" It was actually pretty good. It had a good message -- YOU decide how you feel. Even though Howie Mandel was in this movie (and he had hair!) I still liked it. See, I got the message.

Kaia's movie: "Percy Jackson: The Lightning Thief" Okay, she's really sick and I love her and I said she could choose... but seriously, I despise this movie! But I kept my thoughts to myself and she fell asleep before it was half way through (phew!!)

I had an awesome visit with my Mom yesterday on the phone. I don't know what I would do without her. REALLY. She is my therapy and my idol! At one point, my Mom said, "Now, I know this is the wrong advice and you probably shouldn't listen, but... and she went on to tell me anyway." I LOVE THIS WOMAN! Seriously, she is THE best! You are Grover and I am Percy. You are my protector, Mom.

I had an interesting road rage experience the other day... I was pulling out of the parking lot of the post office and planning to turn left (no light). It was VERY busy and well, it was going to take a minute. The guy behind me starts whaling on his horn like no tomorrow and I'm thinking, "What the heck?!" There is NO opening for me to pull out... I do NOT know what this guy is thinking. Whenever someone is being totally irrational like that, I like to think up a story to explain their rude behavior. Like, maybe this guy REALLY had to go to the bathroom or something!

Well, crazy I know, duh, but all of his honking just made me more stressed! NOT HELPING!! So when I was finally able to pull out onto the street, I was MAD. Yeah, I have a temper, and it's not good, but I'm trying to control it. I'm not one to EVER swear at drivers or make obscene gestures or anything, but I just HAD to yell something. So he was in the lane to my left, I unrolled my window, smiled my biggest smile, waved both my arms and yelled, "MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!" Anyway, it made me feel a lot better. Zoe was with me and she said, "Mom, you are WEIRD!" It was so worth it to see the confused look on his face. :)

Okay and now, I am so excited... my wonderful roommate/missionary who brought me to church with her way back when... she found my blog! Yay, Jen! I hope I'm not embarrassing you (ha ha ha) but this really made my day. We haven't been in touch for awhile and well, I love this girl!

Anyway, I need to go check on the kids... Beck is terrorizing everyone this morning (oh wait, that's normal too). It means I need to get off the computer. Merry Christmas to all... and I mean that in the most "non-angry will you please stop honking at me?" way. REALLY :)

WA-HOO!!!!

You know the movie "I.Q." with Meg Ryan and Tim Robbins? I love that movie.

What makes me go "Wa-hoo?"
Zeke just finished his Bachelor's Degree yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(but you need to say it like Albert Einstein/Walter Matthau: "vah-hoo!")

He has been in school off and on since before we got married almost 15 years ago! He has been in school continuously for the last 3 years! And he's been working full-time. I am so proud of him!
I am so glad he's done.

It will be so nice to have him back. Poor guy, the last 3 years have been HARD. When he is home (which is rare), he's either so tired he can't keep his eyes open, or so spacey that he can't function. I don't know how we've done it all... and during most of the last 3 years, I was serving as the YW President in our ward and Zeke was the Stake YM President. CRAZY!

I feel like this will be a new chapter. Heck, a new BOOK!! Zeke asked me what I want for Christmas... I told him, "I want to go to the temple with YOU! and I want you to watch the kids so I can do whatever I want for at least 3 or 4 hours all by myself!" Yeah, that is what I want.

YAY!!!! We are so blessed. Heavenly Father has given us miracles (great and small) all along the way to make this possible. I am so thankful. It really is a miracle!

I love this quote: "To live through a period of stress and sorrow with another human being creates a bond which nothing seems able to break." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Graduate he did!!

P.S. I just realized this is my 100th post!!! Hooray! Happy 100th! What a great post too :)

The yams did it!

There's an old Daffy Duck cartoon where "Tom Turkey" begs Daffy Duck to hide him from Porky Pig who is hoping to kill a nice big turkey for Thanksgiving. Daffy promises the turkey he'll hide him from Porky and never tell where he is. Well, Porky Pig begins telling Daffy Duck about all the yummy things he would have eaten if he had a turkey to go with it. By the time he mentions candied yams, Daffy's mouth is watering and finally he can't stand it any longer and shouts, "The yams did it! It was the yams! The yams did it!" and he breaks his promise to poor Tom Turkey and tells Porky where he is. Anyway, our family always thought this was so funny and to this day whenever we do something we said we weren't going to, we'll say,"The yams did it! It was the yams that did it!" It's one of our bizarre Thanksgiving "traditions" I guess... I love how my Mom says it. Anyway...

Kaia got to have a Thanksgiving Feast at school on Tuesday.
This was the Indian costume she made.
(No our windows aren't frosted... they're covered in SNOW!)

Well, our long weekend started out pretty exciting I guess. On Tuesday, the National Weather Service issued a blizzard warning for Logan. They closed the children's schools at noon and even closed the University at 2pm in anticipation of the big storm. We sat in the living room and looked out the window and waited... around 3pm the first few flakes began to fall. By 3:15 the wind was blowing so hard it was a total white-out and by 4pm, all our windows were covered from top to bottom with snow. It was very pretty, but kinda freaky at the same time.

The kids and I were quite antsy until Zeke made it home from work. I put a movie on and made dinner. Zeke called around 5pm and said he was on his way. Normally it takes him less than 10 minutes to get home... but he didn't pull up in the driveway until 5:45! It was crazy out there. He got stuck a few times and said at one point a guy got out of his car and jumped on Zeke's back bumper to give him enough traction to get going (this is pretty normal for people in Logan and everyone's pretty cool to help one another). It continued to snow and blow through much of the night. I went to bed thinking we'd be snowed in (this has only happened once in the 9+ years we have lived here). However, we woke up the next morning and it was just another day. The wind had stopped and there was only about 5 or 6 inches of snow. The blizzard itself was the scary part... it came down fast and hard. I'm thankful we're all okay and the power didn't go out or anything.

On Wednesday, Gabe went sledding with some friends, Beck took a nap (THANK YOU!!) and the girls and I made pies. This was a definite highlight of my holiday. Do you remember back in June when Zeke made the portable island for our kitchen? Okay, Wednesday just made it all worth it 100 times over! It was so nice to have room for everyone to work (and play). I really felt like I could get the pies done at the same time I was playing with the girls and teaching them how to do things and letting them do their own thing too. Lots of room and great traffic flow... oh, how I have waited for that. Thanks, honey, for doing it MY way! :)

I made 5 pies (yeah, for 6 people.. you might think that's a bit much, but we are 6 people who REALLY like pies!) And the girls each made 3 mini-pies of their own. We listened to Zoe's practice CD for her TaVaci performing group and we wore our matching aprons and drank hot chocolate. It was really great. They are my little girlfriends in every way. I feel so blessed.

I had a good Thanksgiving really. I'm just one of those silly people who get these great expectations in my mind of how special a holiday is going to be and then when it turns out just normal or a little chaotic or even a bit depressing, I get super bummed.

Right after breakfast, everyone wanted to go outside and play in the snow. I was busy fixing dinner. Zeke helped the kids get ready and went out with them. Zoe came in and was really cold. She was building an igloo and you know when the sleeves of your coat are too short to cover the bottom of your gloves so the snow keeps coming in? Anyway, I figured since I was inside cooking, she could wear my coat and it would cover her arms better.

I dug out my heavy winter coat and started cleaning out the pockets... I found a whole stack of church permission slips from one of the last Young Women activities I went to. We went sledding in February. I started crying. Gabe and Zeke said, "What's wrong? What is it!?" I cried through the words, "It's permission slips!!!" (like that should explain why I was so upset) Oh man, I was a mess! For those of you that don't know, I served in the Young Women's in my ward for nearly 4 years and was just released this May.

It's been a strange grieving process, not unlike losing a dear loved one. Really. The feelings come and go quite strongly at times. Some days I'll be totally fine and other days, something will hit me: like a song, or a fun memory, or in this case, a stack of old permission slips, and I completely fall apart. This was one of those days. Oh how I miss it! I am overwhelmed with sadness sometimes... those youth are so awesome!! I feel rather lost without them. I love them dearly... okay, now I'm crying again. I guess that unexpected event set the mood for my day. I really tried to enjoy everything, but I just felt this aching loneliness that wouldn't go away.

I had to get out of the house. I went to the store with Gabe to get some ice cream (it is NOT okay to eat pie without ice cream at our house!) We can have a lot of fun together. We were just laughing and joking together. I think it was the highlight of the day. I am so thankful for laughter! It keeps me going. We saw a guy in sweats jogging through the store with a can of "Reddi-Whip" in each fist... he was on a mission and no one was stopping him! Actually, he looked like a guy who was in the middle of a really great football game while his wife was in the kitchen slaving away at the big dinner and she said, "Honey, I need you to go to the store right now and get some whip cream, I forgot to get some!" And he was grumbling about it JUST a bit. It was SO funny, really. Gabe and I waited until the guy was about 5 feet away and we just exploded laughing... good times. We tried to imitate him for everyone when we got home, but they didn't laugh too much. Well, you just had to be there!

I really wanted to spend the holiday with some of my extended family, especially my Mom and Dad, but with finals just around the corner, Zeke really needed to be here to study and couldn't spare the time to travel. I sent an open invitation to my family at the Northern end of the state for anyone who might like to come for dinner... homemade pies, people! I couldn't help myself... I kept looking at the clock and looking out the window hoping someone would pull up. I know the weather was bad and people already had other plans... but I just wished this year would be the year someone would come to our house. By 2:30, I had to tell myself out loud that nobody is coming so I'd better get over it. I am a big baby.

Our dinner was good. Zeke and I both worked really hard and fixed all the classic stuff even though it was just for the 6 of us. We waited for the yams to be done and debated about starting without them, but we both agreed we love yams enough that dinner will have to wait for them. We got the table set and all the food ready. I checked the yams and they were pretty much done, so I turned the oven off and left the yams in while we said the prayer and such. And then I didn't even think about the yams until the next evening... (shows you how much I really like them!) Beck was being Beck and well, he's very "flusterating" sometimes... my mind is pretty much gone with this kid.

Zeke told the kids the night before he wanted them to think about something really special they are thankful for. Before we ate, we went around the table and told everyone what we were thankful for:

Gabe -- Thanksgiving (and all the good food)
Kaia -- Heavenly Father
Beck -- POPCORN!! (it sounds more like "Pa-kern!")
Zoe -- doctors and medicine
Me -- the Atonement (where would I be?)
Zeke -- me and the sacrifice I make to stay home with the children
(okay, I was crying again, I don't think I deserved that,
but it was very sweet)

Then, about 20 minutes later... dinner was over! WOW! All that time and effort for 20 minutes?! But I will say, the Rainbow Jello from my friend's food blog was a huge success! It was so AWESOME!! Here we are posing for a picture, while our beloved yams are sitting in the oven completely forgotten:

On Friday, Zoe got to perform with her TaVaci group at the Novemberfest (like a big arts and craft fair thing). It was really fun to watch her. She gets better every time. One of my favorite songs she sang goes like this, "Santa is the man and he's got a plan! I'm his biggest fan and he's comin' on Christmas!" kinda like a rap... it was so cute! And I can't get it out of my head. I was going to put up a little video of it, but I felt a bit seasick after previewing it... I need to have at least a 3 foot barrier from Beck if I'm trying to video anything... he kept bumping me and sitting on me and saying, "Mommy, I want more candy!" (yeah, I was trying to bribe him to sit still)

After lunch on Friday, I declared it was "Christmas decoration time!" I have been waiting! Zeke had to study, Gabe went sledding again... (oh well?) So it was the girls and Beck (aka The Ornament Destroyer). But we had fun anyway... I love to watch my children decorate the Christmas tree. They always seem to gather as many ornaments as they can on just one branch. I love our little old Christmas tree. It's nothing fancy, but I think it's beautiful. Every year, we take turns having one child put the tree topper/spire thing on... don't you love Zeke's face? Kaia does.
We were still putting up decorations around 5pm and I thought I'd better start some dinner. I chose a crowd-favorite: pizza. So while I was mixing the yeast for the dough, I turned the oven on and went about making the sauce, letting the dough raise, and putting away storage bins from the Christmas stuff. Well, about 15 minutes later, I noticed a strange smell coming from the kitchen... something was burning! I ran to the oven and opened it to find yesterday's YAMS burned and yucky. DANG IT! (like Kip on Napoleon Dynamite when he drives over the plastic bowl and smashes it) I should have taken a picture I guess... do you really want to see a pan full of burned yams? I've seen some pretty weird pictures on blogs... like string cheese that looks like jerky (ha ha ha). Anyway, it wasn't anything too serious, but I had to laugh! I cannot believe we forgot all about the yams...

This morning while I was doing dishes, some of the clean ones began to topple over. I tried to grab them, but they crashed to the floor. One of my baking stones shattered and my electric griddle broke in 4 places. :( I was pretty bummed. I was mad at myself. I was trying to hurry and just get them done. I guess I stacked them too high. But I thought, at least no one got hurt. Well, I guess I'll be getting a new griddle for Christmas...sigh.

What I really want for Christmas is for Zeke to graduate. I don't want to feel guilty anymore when I ask him to help me when he should be studying. I don't want to live our lives by the semester calendar anymore and change plans or not make any plans at all because Zeke has a test or a project due. I want to have more time to just be together and not always be rushing through dinner and scriptures and everything. Anyway, I don't want to have unrealistic expectations... maybe it won't be that different. Maybe it will. But I want to be done. Say a prayer for us, please?

Here's a great scripture I found this week:
1 Nephi 18:16: "Nevertheless, I did look unto my God, and I did praise him all the day long; and I did not murmur against the Lord because of mine afflictions." (Nephi is saying this while his wrists and ankles are very swollen and sore from being tied up by his brothers and they are mocking him... yeah, I really shouldn't complain!)

One more important thing, last night, I had the yummiest creation: Razzleberry Pie with Spumoni Ice Cream. Okay, I think it beat the Pecan Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream. Well, maybe they tied. Mmmmm!

Lessons from my refrigerator -- Part 2

Ok, I found another great quote on my refrigerator that I want to share with you today:

"It takes courage and commitment to follow the promptings of the Spirit because they may frighten us as they lead us to walk along new paths, sometimes paths that no one has walked before, paths of the second mile, of acting totally differently from how worldly people act. For instance, we may be prompted to smile when someone offends us, to give love where others give hate, to say thank you where others would not find anything to be thankful for, to accept jobs that others would be too proud to do, to apologize where others would defend themselves, and to do all the seemingly crazy things that the Spirit prompts a righteous, honest, listening heart to do." (From "The Only Real Treasure," New Era, Dec. 1979, p. 5)

This one really gets me thinking and I try to focus harder on what the Spirit is trying to tell me and then the really hard part -- to actually obey those promptings regardless of how I feel about it.

A great quote that has been passed around our ward, but I'm not sure where it came from: "Never suppress a generous thought."

I'm trying to do better this week and love and serve others no matter what I get in return or how others may react to it. I'm struggling a bit as the end of the semester is approaching. I'm tired. Zeke's more tired. I hope it will all be worth it. The time all of us have sacrificed for him to graduate can never be given back to us. By then end of a semester, I look at him and wonder, "Who is this guy? I think I know him... but I'm not sure." It's almost like getting to know him all over again. But this time will hopefully be the last time. He has been in school off and on basically since we got married nearly 15 years ago. I get really lonely and I feel so isolated. I feel socially inept... I'm just out of practice. I wish I had some of my family close by. With 4 children going every which way, it's hard to do anything other than just take care of them and the house and such.

Yesterday, Kaia told me, "I hate you and I wish you would go away so Daddy could take care of us." Okay, my skin must be thinner than a slice of pickled ginger on a piece of sushi, but that made me so sad. :( She was upset because I didn't want her to change her clothes again before she went outside. Heaven forbid she wears just one outfit each day!

Sometimes I wish I could go to work all day and come home fresh and new so the kids would be excited to see me. I feel like things are out of balance in our home and I know there's really no other way to do it right now. I just need to get through it.

Sorry for whining, but to end on a positive note: "When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed. When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost, Count your many blessings, name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done."

I am SO thankful for a husband who loves us and works so hard to provide for us. I am thankful that he wants to follow the counsel of our Prophet and "obtain as much education as possible." I am thankful when he plays with our children and reads books to them with crazy voices, even though he's been so sick. I am thankful for my children, especially Gabe and Zoe. Now that they are older, they really are my friends and I don't know what I would do without them. They sense how tired I am and how hard it is. They are such good helpers. I am amazed at how responsible and caring they are.

Oh and I am so thankful for our beautiful (messy) yard.
It makes me happy.

Lookin' for fun and feelin' groovy....

you know that old song from Simon and Garfunkel? "Slow down, you movin' too fast, you gotta make the MORNING last. Just kickin' down the cobblestones, lookin' for fun and feelin' GROOVY!" yeah, something like that.

I took a nice hot bath after I got the kids off to school this morning. ahhhh. Ever since my bath, that song has been going through my head. I am so thankful to have HOT WATER :) Some days, a girl just needs a hot bath.

Read a great book. My friend, Nancy, let me borrow it: "I didn't plan to be a witch" by Linda Eyre. I didn't think I would like it, but it was a great little parenting book and a quick read :) I am so thankful for good books and good friends.

It's cold and rainy outside and I have a MILLION things to do, but I feel good. :)

I finished Zoe's costume yesterday (I'll post some pictures as soon as I remember to take some with Zeke's phone.) Kaia's will be done today or tomorrow. Oh, how I love to sew. I am so thankful to have a sewing machine.

I'm going to do Art Appreciation for Zoe's class today. It's a lot of fun. We're doing Origami today. We're making Halloween Pumpkins. I tried it this morning and it was so easy :) I would post a picture, but I don't have a working camera at the moment. Go see the link. Very fun!

I'm also shopping for a new garage door. Yeah, I'm spoiled. I want to get it done before the snow comes so I don't have to scrape windows or load my kids in the van outside. I am so thankful that we can get a new garage door.

Oh, by the way, have you ever eaten Spumoni ice cream? Zeke and I tried it for the first time last week and now it's our new FAVORITE! Pistachio/chocolate/fruit/nuts -- good stuff, weird, but very good and chewy and the kids don't like it so there's always some for us. Now that is groovy!

E. coli 101: Everything you never wanted to know but should.

My son's 5th grade teacher affectionately labeled us the "E. coli clan" yesterday on Facebook and I thought it was funny. If you can laugh at it you can live with it, right? Thanks, Mr. Barker!

Well, I thought I'd fill you in on recent events. Here's a flashback in case you're just tuning in...

Kaia (my 6 year old) got sick on Oct. 1st, I took her to the Dr. and her tests came back positive for E. coli. Yeah, E. coli! These results will be sent to the state Health Department for further investigation. At this point, we're pretty sure it came from contaminated ground beef... I'm very freaked out about eating it again!

Then, on Oct. 7th, my 9 year old daughter, Zoe, got sick as well. And to even things up, on the 9th, my sons and I also got sick. My husband was a little sick on Saturday, but we thought he was going to be okay. It was good too, because he and the girls took care of us on Saturday and Sunday. We also had a Harry Potter movie marathon... fun, but we had to pause the movie every time one of us had to use the bathroom (um, like every 20 minutes or so). So we didn't get very far on the movie marathon... but you know the books are better than the movies anyway. :)

Tuesday night (the 12th) Zeke started getting sick too... oh boy, I keep thinking of the scripture in D&C where the Lord tells Joseph Smith "...thou art not yet as Job..." Now, I am not trying to compare our lives to Joseph Smith's (or Job's) -- no way. We have it so good! But it's been a rough 6 months or so, especially for Zeke. He's actually doing the best out of everyone, thank goodness.

Everyone has been in for blood tests and now all 6 of us will have to go to our doctor every Monday for the next 4 weeks or so to have our blood pressure checked and to leave a urine sample to make sure our kidneys are working properly. What a fun activity for family night! ha ha ha

Seriously, though, we are very lucky so far. I've been told we have a mild case. I don't even want to imagine what it would be like to have a serious case. Most people are hospitalized.

Did you know after you have ingested E. coli it can take 1 to 14 days for your body to show any symptoms? I didn't.
Did you know that E-coli can cause kidney failure? I didn't.
Did you know that even if you cook ground beef until it's "no longer pink" you could still be at risk for getting E-coli? I didn't.
Did you know that some people have suffered strokes, blindness, paralysis, and even death from E. coli? I didn't.
Did you know that E. coli has been classified as a potential bio-terrorist weapon? I didn't.

I just thought I'd use this bizarre and unfortunate "opportunity" to inform everyone. Please read up and take precautions. I thought I was being careful, I guess you just never know.

By the way, my friends and neighbors have been SO awesome helping us with groceries and dinners and such. Thank you Lorie, Jenny, Lisa, Denise and Kolton, Jennifer and Nathan, Diana, Nicki, and Jessica. You know you're sick when you ask your neighbor to please go buy some more toilet paper for you. Sheesh!

Thanks for your concern and prayers. I am so thankful for the power of the Priesthood. It is such a blessing to see my children getting better :)

Weekend Update... playdough and conference and parties

Well, it's Tuesday and I am so happy.... it's payday. Enough said.

Zeke has been working crazy hours still and I can't possibly imagine the day when this project is actually finished (for more reasons that one!) Yesterday, he worked from 6am to 7pm. He came home, ate dinner, and we had Family Home Evening which was very nice. Then at 10pm, he went back to work and came home at 6:30 this morning! Right now, he's sleeping. Poor guy, he is SO amazing. He is under a HUGE amount of pressure and added stress and I pray that he can get through this crazy time.

On Friday night, Gabe went to a birthday party and Zeke was at work. So the rest of us made play dough. By the way, my friend gave me THE best play dough recipe I've ever found. It's very easy to make and it doesn't stick to clothes and carpet. If you'd like the recipe, let me know.

Zeke had to work Saturday too. I was kinda bummed not to have him with us to watch Conference. But the kids and I made the best of it. We played with play dough and I embroidered a cute pillowcase for a birthday gift later that night.

Conference was amazing! I needed it so much. I took notes like crazy and I felt like several of the talks were just for me! But I always do. Some of my favorite talks were Pres. Uchtdorf's about simplifying things, Elder Holland's... I just love him!, and Elder Lawrence? about Courageous Parenting. I also loved Sister Wixom's... I could go on and on. We are so blessed.

Zeke came home around 3pm on Saturday. We all went to a birthday party for our neighbor's daughter at 4pm. Can I just tell you that I LOVE spending time with Latin-American people? They are so kind and generous. They throw THE best parties and cook THE best food. Although, I feel VERY white (in color and dancing abilities, hee hee.)

We are so blessed. Later, Zeke and Gabe went to the Priesthood Session and Zoe, Kaia, Beck and me had a dance party!! I don't know how to put videos up yet... but here's a picture of the girls after the birthday party. The lady that was doing the face painting was amazing as you can see!

Everyone went to bed and I stayed up and cleaned the house (a little) and read a book (a lot). Right now, I'm reading "The Red Pyramid" the first book in a new series by Rick Riordan (Percy Jackson and the Olympians) It's a pretty good book, very interesting and fun so far.

Zeke has worked for ASI (his company) for over 8 years. During that time, he has NEVER had to work on a Sunday. What an incredible blessing for us. This project has been so crazy, I actually thought he might have to, but thankfully he didn't.

What a great day: big breakfast, awesome conference sessions, Twister, Settlers of Zarahemla, Monopoly, Peach Cobbler, and Bob Marley. And lots of nothing! Zeke hasn't been home this much since the end of August. I just realized I don't have any pictures of him, but he was there!:)

Oh, and of course the girls had to play dress up, they do that nearly everyday.

I think this picture looks like an album cover or something....

That We Might Have JOY

After we went Letterboxing on Saturday, Zeke had to work for "awhile" and the house was busy and loud and full of my children and their friends and lots of dirty dishes and laundry. I just wanted to curl up with my husband and family and watch a movie and forget about how much my children complained about "Mom's Nature Walk" and Zeke's job and Zeke's classes and how much time and gas money I've spent driving around town the last 2 weeks. I felt a little discouraged... don't get me wrong, I am so thankful Zeke has a good job. I am so thankful that he is willing and able to get an education. I am so thankful my children are healthy and life is good for the most part, but why is it so hard? I recall praying to Heavenly Father everyday for the last month: "please help me survive this day, please just help me get through this moment, help me get the kids to bed, help me remember this, help me fix dinner, help me stay awake, help me love my family, etc..."

I feel so overwhelmed as a Mother; I'm ashamed to admit that I always have. It just doesn't come naturally to me. I mean, I love my children more than anything and I would do anything for them and I want them to be happy, but when I hear other Mothers say how much they just "love BEING a Mother" I wonder what's wrong with me... Why don't I feel that way? Where can I find joy like that? There are small moments of joy and maybe I need to focus on those more, but it seems like they have been few and far between lately. I know, I know, I think of the quote from President Hinckley: "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

I know I said this a few posts ago, but Zeke is seriously working almost ALL the time. Right now, it's 9pm and he has been at work since 6am and he's still not home. By the time I get dinner fixed, kids bathed, homework done, dishes and laundry whittled down and such, I am too exhausted to feel joy. How do you do it? Some days I just feel like this isn't what I signed up for. Where can I get a transfer? (just kidding) I find myself wishing my days away and wanting time to pass and I know that is NOT how I should feel.

I know with all my heart and soul I'm supposed to be a stay at home mother... someday, I'll share that experience with you... but now that my oldest is 12... somewhere along the way, I thought things would get a little easier. I thought I'd have some experience and wisdom to draw from (ha ha ha) ... I would be so calm and patient and peaceful and JOYFUL. Why I expected things to get easier I don't know? But I wish it was, even just a little.

Let me remind you, I have a 2 year old boy... need I say more? And NONE of our children have ever been, what would you say "quiet", "calm", "passive", "complacent", "compliant", "normal"? (No, not one! They are all way too much like their parents I'm afraid, especially their mother!)

I'm just tired, I guess. I was really feeling sorry for myself Saturday night after I finally got all the kids to bed. I decided I would read the Ensign for awhile and see if that would help me feel better. You know those days when dinner's over and you want to put the kids to bed at 6pm? Yeah, it was one of those days... but I didn't actually get the kids in bed until about 10pm.

Well, I said my prayers to help me be a better Mother and to find something in the Ensign to help me keep going. I try so hard everyday, but when I fall into bed at night, I feel like a complete failure.

Anyway, I found an article in the September 2010 Ensign that was written just for me. It was!
It's called "That We Might Have Joy" by Andrea Jones. She talks about her struggles as a missionary... but it sounded just like my struggles as a Mother. She went to a Stake Conference seeking "the Joy" that everyone else was feeling. Her mission president spoke about the joy of Christ's redemption that each of us can feel every day. He testified that even during difficult and uncertain times, we can feel joy from understanding the significance of the Savior's Atonement. She said, "The joy I thought I had never experienced was all around me. I just hadn't opened my heart to feel it... since my mission I have come to understand that situations and surroundings have no lasting impact on our ability to feel joy." Wow!

So even though my life is totally CA-RAZY and completely exhausting right now, I can feel joy each day because of the knowledge and testimony I have of the Savior's Atonement. I can endure anything and still have joy knowing that I have a Redeemer. Knowing that I can repent, knowing that doing my best is enough. Somehow when I realized this, everything became so simple. I am so tired everyday, but I want to do my best. Thinking of the Savior and His eternal sacrifice for me makes me want to do more. "...It is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.” (2 Ne. 25:23) Thank Heaven, literally.

PS I just wanted to add how amazing my husband is. Even though he's not home much right now, he is doing things for the good of our family. At the moment, we are kind of stuck in the middle of school and work and he keeps going! He's the one who's really exhausted :( I just woke up this morning and wanted to add this because Zeke is making a huge sacrifice too.