Monday, August 29, 2011

Time to purge or "I wanna be sedated" or Where's Sigmund Freud when I need him?

My brain is so full... I can never get rid of enough craziness running around in it. I can't focus anymore. My brain is full to the absolute brim. I need to purge. I need room to think about good stuff. Important stuff. Necessary stuff. Fixable stuff.

I don't think anyone cares to know or wants to hear all of the JUNK in my head, but it needs to come out.

1. I am so sad about our cat, Pippin. In a nutshell, he's not here anymore. He was being so mean to Caspian and Noira we took him away. We weren't sure what to do. Long story :( How do you choose one cat over the other? My kids, especially the girls, are SAD. I am one of those girls too. I wish we could have all of "our" cats, including Carmel and Oscar. Who, you say? But that would involve some backstory. In the words of Flynn Rider, "Sorry, Blondie. I don't do backstory!" Well, at least not today.

2. I am convinced that my house will magically be "CLEAN" when Beck is approximately 6 years old. Melted popsicles, mud, cereal, legos, paper scraps, bugs, grass, clothes, crayons, pee (yes, pee!), etc. How can you possibly enjoy that? I love HIM, just not his messes. I'm just so tired all the time. See #4.

3. I am completely blown away by the behavior of some "adults" I have witnessed over the past two days. BLOWN AWAY. Wow. Where are your manners? Are manners important? Am I just a hypocrite for complaining about it? Probably.

4. I have been having the most extremely upsetting, vividly realistic dreams and nightmares for the past month or so. My husband thinks it's funny. He thinks I should write them down and use them for a book. Believe me, I could. But I'm not sleeping well and my mind, heart, and body are truly experiencing all of these emotions so I wake up very upset and exhausted. I'm waking up all through the night and when the alarm goes off it takes me a good five minutes to convince myself that none of the nightmares really happened.

Anyone out there ever had recurring intense nightmares before? They're not the same story every night, so I guess I mean recurring in the fact that every night I have a nightmare. Sometimes they aren't about anything even going on in my life -- where are they coming from? But there is a common theme: there is a very stressful, often life-threatening situation and I'm supposed to get out of it or fix it or save people. Every time I fail. Last night I didn't. That was the first time. I woke up very exhausted and freaked out, but happy, because I "saved the day". Hmm... I wonder what I'll dream about tonight?

In no particular order and in no great detail, here's just a sampling of my nightmares: my Dad, my husband, my kids, people in my ward, getting in a car accident with my friend, Kree, doing daycare in a restaurant where the walls rotate, trying to get out of a car that is underwater, trying to get out of my house that is on fire and trying to get someone to believe me and help me call the fire department, people making me have my picture taken with my head and arms locked in one of those wooden things (? I can't think of the name), Kevin Bacon, being in middle school and trying to find a babysitter for my kids, so I can go to class and then fly (really fly) home and get back to cheer-leading practice and make dinner before the football game, trying to fly away from the "bad guys" while holding all four of my kids, my Mom and Zeke being insanely furious with me for not agreeing to watch some kids in our ward in the middle of the night, helping my friend, Ruth, reunite two ghosts living in our apartments that were trying to kill us until we figured out what they wanted (oh my, that was last night, it's still freaking me out), Zeke leaving me, my Dad dying, Zeke leaving me, my Mom dying, Me leaving Zeke, Me dying, Zeke dying, my kids dying, Zeke leaving me, my Mom being mad at me, not being able to find our house, and of course, the classic, being naked in public (I was at the grocery store and every time I would try to cover myself with something it would disappear -- this might seem funny, but people had called the police and were going to take my children away from me) Okay, are you scared yet? Of me, at least, right?!

My nightmares don't make ANY sense, but they are driving me CRAZY. Or? Am I already CRAZY and my brain is just churning and twisting all night long trying to sort through my issues? Really, guys, I think I might be crazy.

5. Do you ever have a terrible suspicion that someone doesn't like you? Someone you like. Someone you REALLY like. Someone that matters. You can just FEEL that everything you do and say is annoying the HECK out of them? And then you suddenly realize it's true and you feel like a total nub? :(

6. I am really stressing about something. I don't want to blog about it yet... I have a really hard time leaving my children. I have extreme GUILT. Guilt about doing something for me, guilt about spending money, guilt about being okay and getting to do stuff, guilt about my sister... I'm sure none of this makes sense to most of you. Sorry. Blah. I'll let you know how it all goes next week. I don't want to put stuff on my blog that is scheduled to happen and you know what a paranoid freak I am. I don't want people to know where I'm at (or not) and when. I hate having choices sometimes. I make dumb choices sometimes. Too often lately.


  1. 1. Sucky. Sorry.

    2. That may actually be true...

    3. Um, sorry? I find it useful to just apologize. Even if it wasn't me. Because, well, sometimes it is.

    4. Yes. Usually about snakes. Sigh...And not crazy. Just stressed.

    5. Every day of my life. For the record? I love you.

    6. I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...I feel this is my fault with the peer pressure. I'm sorry! I'm still glad you're fighting the guilt, though. Even if it makes you hate me. And, see? This is where our guilt is different. I wish my kid didn't have to go to school, but I'm totally fine with 'date nights' or 'me nights'. I think it's healthy behavior to model for our kids. But that's me...

  2. Yay for bookclub this week!!!! Not only will we have lots to talk about since I'm pretty familiar with just about everything you said, but it will be a time to destress and maybe get a good nightmare-free night's sleep after. :) Sunny

  3. 1. Sorry about Pippin. I know how pets become part of our family. :(

    2.Pee...oh, the pee! As Felicia once said, having boys means that their bathroom will perpetually smell like a pee-scented candle!

    3. I'm right there with ya. I always try to tell myself that they must just be having a hard day...but I know that some people are just downright rude.

    4. I'm convinced that Satan tries to work on me through my dreams. He knows I'm on guard when I'm awake, so exhausting me with stressful nightmares is his way to get his foot in the door. I usually experience vivid nightmares nightly right before a big change or blessing comes into my life. Hang in there.

    5. Oh my gosh, yes! You just explained how I feel quite often. You would tell me if I annoyed the Heck out of you, right? Because I would tell you. But you don't. :)

    6. Sorry about the guilt. My only advice is to lean upon the arm of the Lord. He will let you know what is the best for you at this time. Our lives are full of if something you want to do isn't jive-ing with your current situation, remind yourself that it just might not be the right time. That doesn't mean you have to give it up forever!

    PS-Love you. :)

  4. You are all AWESOME!! I love you all!
    None of you did anything -- it wasn't even anything that was done to me, just things I saw other people doing, their general behavior. Thanks for "listening" it means a lot.:)

  5. Well, things must be getting better... last night I had a dream that Joe Elliott (lead singer from Def Leppard) showed up at my door today and wanted me to watch his daughter for the day (what IS it about me dreaming about babysitting?!) Anyway, I was like YEAH, SURE!!! And well, my friends and our hubbies then got back stage passes oh, and a Learjet to get us to and from the concert. I'd say that was a WIN!

  6. But now Zeke says he's having nightmares...

  7. MUCH better! And is he dreaming of you hitting it off with Joe Elliott?

  8. Lace I can really empathize with you! The pets, so hard the kids and I still miss our dog Sadie. (Lynn wouldn't let me have her then gave her away a year later.) The messes! Avory seems so much worse than my other kids! Maybe I am just getting older, but I think she really is worse. The nightmares! Or night terrors as Jade and I call them. I have had times in my life when they were so bad I was sleep walking and doing weird things in my sleep. Last spring and earlier this summer they were really bad again. It's awful when a stupid dream is affecting you all day! I finally had Dad give me a blessing. The terrors aren't completely gone, but they aren't every night anymore, and they don't bother me as much either. Ask Zeke to give you a blessing it really will help!
    Love you! Nicky

  9. Random posts reap random comments:

    Remember Dumbledore and that wonderful bowl of thoughts called a pensieve. I wish I had one so bad. Take things out for now, put them back in when you need them.

    I am so sorry about your cat. You are such a cat person, and I identify, except with dogs. We had an adorable, wonderful sweet dog that treated my family so so well. But then he bit a girl in our ward, pretty bad. We made the agonizing decision to put him down. It was terrible. I feel your pain and I'm so sorry.

    Pee? I dream of the day that my children will keep all bodily functions and odors to themselves. That might be 17-19 years away, but I dream of that wondrous time.

    I have a terrible suspicion that NO one likes me. Really. I mean, I hope they like me, but it's so hard to tell if they're being genuine. I, by the way, really like you. If that helps.


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