Still 100%!

Wow, I seriously need to update my blog. Most of the links don't work and the pictures are gone...

Every time I sit down to do so, I get overwhelmed and depressed and just leave it. Well, it's January and I always feel like that's a good time to start over. So, I'll try to fix things up when I can, but for now, I'm just going to move forward. Wow. That is probably a quote for all aspects of my life. Sometimes all we can do is move forward.

One of my all-time favorite quotes:

"On particularly rough days, when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%, and that’s pretty good!"

So... my last post was in August. Most of the time in between then and now I have spent studying genetics and anthropology and sitting in a classroom full of 20 year olds and feeling like an idiot. However, let me be honest, I really enjoyed it! These young adults are pretty dang cool. They were especially cool with me -- they don't care how old I am, they're just glad to have someone along for the ride, to laugh and joke about all the homework and to commiserate with each other when a test didn't go so well. Anyway, I survived Fall Semester. I even got a 3.0! (Which is amazing for me.) I'll start up again on the 11th... which could mean, you may not hear from me much after that until May, but I will try.

Also, did I tell you I have been teaching the Sunbeam class in Primary since July? It was challenging, but very fun and you know how church callings go (at least for me), just when I thought I was getting the hang of it, they released me. Huh. I wonder if there is some profound meaning to that. Probably not to most people... I'm always trying to find more meaning in things than there might be, I guess. Speaking of profound meanings... I had one of the little Sunbeams who LOVES animals (as much as I do), tell me that a mole (the animal) isn't a "mole", it's a "nipple"! Oh, man, I got a kick out of that!! Ha ha ha! He's the cutest little boy.

Anyway, on to a new adventure, right? So, now I'm the Primary Chorister. It's been about 2 months or so. I have to admit I've ALWAYS secretly wanted this calling. I LOVE the Primary music and I've had so much fun watching really good choristers make Primary so awesome just because of the music they choose and their enthusiasm (Ellen and Lorie, I'm talking about you!). However, BEING the chorister is way different from experiencing a good chorister. It will take some time, that's for sure, but I absolutely LOVE it and I feel SO blessed to even get to do it for this long. I've had a few hiccups... maybe I'll blog about that later, but it really is the best calling ever. I asked Zeke if he had anything to do with it, but he says it was all up to the Primary President and Bishopric counselor over Primary. Well, Thank you, I'm so grateful for this opportunity!!!! 

I've been SO stressed with the holidays and school and other things, my mind just cannot shut down. I've felt very negative and depressed and overwhelmed, but I've had to prepare for singing time (thank goodness). I think Heavenly Father knew I would need something powerful to help me feel the Spirit and overcome these negative feelings. Music is so powerful. Music can help me feel the Spirit when NOTHING else can. I haven't been sleeping well at night and I wake up stressing about things, but all through last week I was trying to memorize a new song to teach to the Primary kids last Sunday.  The chorus says, "And if I listen with my heart, I hear the Savior's voice". This inspiring phrase has been going through my head nonstop for over a week now and I know it has helped me to feel better and encouraged me to pray and to keep trying. 

This song and its message also helped me to think of another song, "The Family is of God"

Our Father has a family. It’s me!

It’s you, all others too: we are His children.

He sent each one of us to earth, through birth,

To live and learn here in fam’lies.

God gave us families to help us become what He wants us to be—

This is how He shares His love, for the fam’ly is of God.

A father’s place is to preside, provide,

To love and teach the gospel to his children.

A father leads in fam’ly prayer to share

Their love for Father in Heaven.

God gave us families to help us become what He wants us to be—

This is how He shares His love, for the fam’ly is of God.

A mother’s purpose is to care, prepare,

To nurture and to strengthen all her children.

She teaches children to obey, to pray,

To love and serve in the fam’ly.

God gave us families to help us become what He wants us to be—

This is how He shares His love, for the fam’ly is of God.

I’ll love and serve my family and be

A good example to each fam’ly member.

And when I am a mom or dad, so glad,

I’ll help my fam’ly remember:

God gave us families to help us become what He wants us to be—

This is how He shares His love, for the fam’ly is of God.

This song really speaks to my heart; here's a link for you to hear it. I love ALL of my family so much and I want for us to be happy together. My dear friend, Lora, took this picture of my little family in October.

Are we there yet????

The other day we went to visit some of our family.  They live less than one hour from us. We had a really great visit. However, my children turn into psychotic monsters when they're all trapped in a car together. I just wanted to share with you some of the dialogue from our ride home for posterity's sake; I mean, we actually survived this! I didn't use my children's real names in order to protect MYSELF from their wrath. (They are most definitely not innocent!) However, I'm pretty sure you might know who's who...

Kid 1: "Just get us home, I want to go home now!"

Kid 2: "Can we turn the radio off? I have a headache."

Kid 3: "Be quiet! I have a headache too!"

Kid 1: "BE QUIET!"

Kid 4: Blah blah, random singing REALLY LOUD singing...

Kids 1, 2, 3: "SHUT UP!!!"

Mom: "Please don't say "shut up" guys. Kid 4, please use an inside voice. " (Turns radio speakers to the front) "Sorry, Kid 2, is that ok?"

Kid 2: "Yeah, it's fine, it's just Kids 1, 3, and 4 mostly. I just want to go home. I'm tired."

Kid 3: "Kid 4 stop grabbing my pillow, Kid 4, MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Kid 1: "SHUT UP, Kid 3!!!!!!!!!"

Kid 4: Blah, blah, chatter chatter, random singing REALLY LOUD!!

Kids 1, 2, 3: "SHUT UP, Kid 4!!!!!"

Dad: "That is enough, Kid 4!! Be quiet all of you!!!" (Turns radio up louder.)

Kid 3: "MOM!!!!!! Kid 4 keeps hitting me!!!!"

Kid 1: "SHUT UP!!!! Oh my gosh, just shut up! Can't we go any faster? I hate driving in the car with you guys!"

Kid 4: "MOM!!!!!!!!!!! Kid 3 took my pillow!"

Dad: "Why did you bring a pillow? Did you know they brought pillows?"

Mom: "Yeah... they said they were tired. I gave in. Kid 4, KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF!"

Kids 3, 4: "MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He/She keeps touching me!"

Kid 1: "SHUT UP! This is ridiculous!" (Random sounds of a scuffle with Kid 4. Elbows flying. Grunting.)

Kids 2 and 3: "Shut up, Kid 1, we have a headache!!!!!"

Kid 4: blah blah blah, random chatter, poking Kid 1 with paper Burger King crown, laughing REALLY LOUD, singing! Poke, poke, poke....

Kid 1: "Kid 4, KNOCK IT OFF!!! If you don't stop it, I'm going to take your crown!"

Mom: "Kid 1, That's enough. Leave Kid 4 alone. Kid 4, That's enough, Leave Kid 1 alone." (Turns radio up louder. Sighs at Dad. Dad rolls eyes.)

Kid 4: "MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (Loud screaming and crying and random paper ripping sounds.) "Kid 1 took my crown!!!!!!!!!!!! MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He ripped it up!!!!! MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (Extremely loud screaming and crying. Fists flying from Kids 1, 3, 4. Mom turns around to check for blood. No blood. Turns up radio.)

Kids 2, 3: "Thanks a lot, Kid 1! Kid 4, just BE QUIET PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Dad: "Now you've done it, Kid 1!"

Kid 1: "Make Kid 4 SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's Kid 4, not ME!"

Dad: "You made KID 4 cry.... thanks a lot, KID 1, now we all have to hear it!!" (Kid 1 becomes strangely silent.)

Kid 2: "I have a headache. I feel car sick."

Kid 3: "Me too. MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kid 4 is on my side of the seat!"

(Kid 4 still wailing LOUDLY.)

Mom: "No more talking from anyone! Kid 4 and Kid 1 you have extra chores when we get home."

Kid 2: "How much longer?"

Kid 3: "MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Dad: "I have a headache."

Mom: "Me too."

It's a wonder why we don't travel more, isn't it?

The good, the bad and the "buggy"

How can someone be SO happy and SO sad all at the same time? Living in my head is exhausting, I tell you! One moment, I'm high as a kite and I love my life, the next, I'm rolling my eyes and muttering under my breath, "Heaven help me be a better person, PLEASE!"

Not sure what I'm blogging about today, but my brain feels overloaded. (Seems to be a common theme, eh?) My blog is turning into my brain dump. Who knows? All of these crumbs might get cooked up into a great book someday... 

So many people in our world today need serious help or even just a friendly face. There are people right in our neighborhood and I'm sure they are right in your neighborhood too! I feel so blessed to be able to serve others and be aware of their needs. I love these people and I hope I can always be in tune with the Spirit and keep my mind and my day open enough to make time for helping others. Dropping everything to run to the aid of another person and feeling the Spirit carry you as you go... there's no other feeling like that.

Such a wonderful day yesterday in so many ways. Beck and I played Uno. Just the two of us. It was really fun. He's getting so big. He lost his first tooth last night. To me, that makes him seem much bigger now than when he started Kindergarten a few weeks ago. Can my baby really be old enough to lose a tooth?! Where has the time gone? Really. 

It's hard to see his missing tooth in this picture, but I love his face. The new gap on the bottom in the front, of course.

Kaia is going on a field trip today to Logan Canyon and to say she is excited is a HUGE understatement. Her teacher this year is just absolutely perfect for her. They are kindred spirits. She truly loves and encourages Kaia's reading obsession and she's been doing a lot of Science with her class. Kaia is her biggest fan! It's so fun to hear about all of the cool things her teacher is doing. My Ms. Frizzle wish is growing and growing every year!

Beck and Kaia headed out the door to school. 

It's homecoming week at Gabe's high school and he went to the parade and powderpuff game last night. I picked him up afterwards and we had a great time laughing together as he told me about all the funny things that happened. I stopped at the gas station to fill up the van and he offered to buy me a treat. It was so sweet. I love talking and laughing with him. I'll give him a ride home any time just for that reason. I love that he is happy.  (Mostly happy, after all, he is 15!)

Zoe has a new friend she met at school and it turns out she only lives a couple blocks away! How cool is that? I met her friend and her Mom last night. They seem really nice. I like this friend for Zoe because she's still enjoying being 12. Not into boys yet, still wanting to play outside and well, just PLAY! Zoe is so much like that and I hope she can enjoy every last second of being "little". I loved hearing about their nature walk and all of their "big plans" for having different fashion themes each week and wearing matching colors at school. It made me smile. The 12 year old inside of me is still very much alive and kicking and I wonder if she'll ever realize she's almost 39... in some ways, I hope not.

Speaking of being 12 though.... in some ways, I guess I really need to grow up. But I'm really not sure how -- that is why I still must be 12 inside, because sometimes my heart hurts SO much about silly little things. Sometimes I get SO mad about things. Sometimes I just want to be little again and not have all of the silly grown-up problems. 

I was talking to my girls the other day about some girls that weren't being so nice to them at school. Nothing major, just mean girls giving them dirty looks. You know the "eye to toes and back up to your eyes -- Oh, you're no threat to me" kind of look? Yeah. I hate that. I told them just to smile at those girls and don't ever give them a second thought. Ever. I told them to brush it off and be strong, because Guess What? There are STILL "girls" like that who are my age. Yuck.

Anyway, I'm just always feeling like I don't fit it anywhere and maybe I don't, but the question is: WHY do I care? I just don't know. My season in life is here with family right now.  My kids and husband are where I invest most of my time and I know that is most important, but I always end up feeling left out. I always feel like I just walked in AFTER the punch line of everything. There seems to be a secret world out there that I've never been part of... (thank heavens for preschool -- they LOVE me! :)

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Have you ever read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince? You know where Professor Slughorn alters his memories before he lets Professor Dumbledore see them? Well, I just altered my blog before EVERYONE reads it. I erased about 4 paragraphs of YUCK right here. It was just me complaining and being contentious. I need to go talk with the person I have an issue with directly, not vaguely hint around it on my blog. Sorry if you read it -- I don't want to be that kind of person! Anyway, good luck finding the horcruxes and all that...

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I know it's just Satan trying to bring me down, but I also know having good and bad experiences so EXTREME in one day is a reminder to me there are areas in my life I really need to do better in. I need to LOVE people, to see them as God sees them, and not to let them bother me so much. There is good in everyone. I truly believe that. I think the good gets clouded by assumptions and jealousy and their own feelings of insecurity or even just stress and fatigue. 

I have so many awesome people in my life and I'm going to focus on them. People that seem to like me for the moment and I'll take it! I want be humble and kind to everyone around me, regardless of how they treat me. It's easy to love someone that loves you, right? But I want to love the ones who don't. That's going to be my focus. I worry about realizing this goal and saying it "out loud". I've prayed about it and now I know the tests will come! I hope I'm ready...

I just think I get along better with my own family (wow, that is an awesome realization, isn't it!!!) and of course, my cats. This is our new addition, Churro. His favorite hiding spot is inside the shoe bench. He is just absolutely adorable. Really. I cannot help it. I love this guy! He has THE cutest little meow.

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." ~ Anatole France

Brain Dump... Deja vu? Wait... a BREAKTHROUGH!

I think I already have a post somewhere titled, "Brain Dump".

I shouldn't blog sometimes, really. Today I woke up in a bit of a funk.

My mind is SO full. SO FULL.

There is just SO much to do, so much to remember, so much to plan, so much to even think about.

Not to mention all of the "stuff" that happens everyday that I don't expect or can't plan for... let's not even go into the crazy of all that!

I used to be better at taking one thing at a time and then, moving on to the next.

I'm not sure if I've lost that ability OR if there's just SO much to do... my brain is ready to explode. Seriously. I sit down to make a to-do list and I can vaguely decipher a flow of activity somewhere in the back of my brain. Much like a blender swirling with words and phone numbers and check lists and fuzzy clouds of ??? Just LOTS of fuzz really.

At the front of my brain, the part that is formulating and typing these words at this moment, there is just a clear, resounding FUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Like a low hum or a white noise that purposely? or thankfully? blocks out all of the swirling blender stuff. I can't seem to turn the FUZZ off any more.

Problem is: I desperately need to dive into that blender and deal with some of that stuff!

I woke up spouting off my to-do list to my husband this morning in between deep sighs of frustration and stress. Ever patient (patiently?), he listens and always has a good (if not always logical) strategy to attack my day. He's not a stay-at-home mom (obviously), so he just doesn't really get it, but he sure tries.

Today, however, I think he said something rather profound. I won't bore you with my BOOK of things I need to do/should do/could do/want to do/really have to do, because I know you have your own. Maybe our books are rather similar? Maybe not? Either way. Life is busy. Life as a mother at any phase, age, or number of children is BUSIER than ever.

Zeke was standing in our closet trying to get ready to go to work (bless his heart!) as I'm purging and pleading and well, basically, whining. We were talking about building more shelves in our closet, because, you know, that's what everyone needs right after they move into a bigger house, right? Seriously though, shelves for HIS clothes, because I have a huge basket and two boxes FULL of things that need to be mended and they're taking over our closet. What?? Yeah, it's embarrassing and rather ridiculous.

It's not that I don't mend -- I do -- every couple of months I take a day and just mend stuff. My kids usually end up wanting to sew something right along with me, which is good, but my overall progress is greatly diminished, but hey, I have kids that like to sew. That's a good thing in my book.

Anyway, the mending basket mysteriously multiplies overnight. Really! Just when I think I've made a dent, it's full again just a few days later.

Is it obvious to everyone, but me? Zeke simply said, "Don't mend. Just don't. In the grand scheme of things, mending does NOT matter. The kids have plenty of clothes. Prioritize what they really need and THROW THE REST AWAY." Isn't he a genius??

Inside though, I instantly recoiled at the thought... THROW THE REST AWAY????? What the? I can't.... WASTE something??? How do I define WASTING something? How can Zeke say that and be okay with it? It sounded SO lovely, SO simple, SO right. But.... THROW THE REST AWAY? I want to feel that way too.

For months (YEARS), I've been praying about how I can get it all done and how I can feel LESS stress. I've been thinking all morning about what Zeke said as I've been watering our lawn and doing laundry (YEAH, there's a wake-up call). Don't laugh, but I think I seriously have a hard time getting rid of stuff or just the idea of wasting stuff. I'm not sure if I've always been this way. Our house certainly isn't overflowing or anything, but the things I do to save stuff or get the good out of stuff *might* be considered a bit overboard by other people.

I mend clothes and blankets and things until they're literally falling apart between the seams! Among other things, I use THE ABSOLUTE LAST DROP of everything. Toothpaste, syrup, lotion, ketchup, etc. I know it drives my family crazy. It should. It's silly. I have bottles of stuff in the fridge and in the bathrooms turned upside down with the threat, "Don't throw that away yet, there's still some left!" SILLY!

What about the TIME I'm wasting saving those little things and making room for them? What I'm really doing is WASTING my time. My time is so precious. I can't buy time. I got mad at Kaia yesterday for throwing away a half-eaten apple. Yes, I totally agree we shouldn't waste food, but seriously over-reacted for sure. It's just an apple. She's my sweet daughter. I'm embarrassed to even tell you that.

You know, I go through a blog famine here and there and whenever I start again, I always feel so much better. It's very therapeutic. I hope my life of learning things the hard way helps someone else avoid my mistakes in the first place.

Today, I'm going to pray REALLY hard to let go of things that do not matter. Today, I'm going to try really hard to get rid of some things in my house. I'm especially going to re-evaluate my mending basket.

I read somewhere recently about getting rid of 5 things everyday for 5 days and doing that each month. Even little things. I'm going to try it.

P.S. Zeke, I love you more than anything... you are my DENSITY.

Rely on the Lord

Have you noticed I haven't been blogging this week? Yeah... it's been a crazy week. I think I say that more than I don't so it doesn't really mean anything. (Reminds me of the "Incredibles" when the Mom says, "Everyone's special, Dash." and Dash says, "Which is another way of saying no one is." Yeah, I'm way off...) 

The younger kids are in bed. We celebrated Friday in style eating lots of ice cream and watching, "Ramona and Beezus." It has to be one of my new favorite movies. My Mom sent it to us for a Valentine's surprise. I was surprised how much I really enjoyed it. It just felt real. It made me laugh and cry and laugh and cry some more. Kaia is SO much like Ramona. I always felt like Ramona when I was growing up.

Zeke and my oldest son, Gabe, are sleeping in snow caves somewhere up the canyon with the Scouts... why they do this I will never understand, but they enjoy it.

So now comes the hard part. The house is quiet and I am "alone". Well, not really alone, the cats are sleeping nearby, but the house is SO quiet. TOO quiet. No more distractions to keep my mind busy.

What a week and what a finale! Crazy house stuff: flooring choices, meetings with all the builders and "big wigs", deadlines and delays, a broken window, and not-so-thorough bricklayers. Poor Beck has a double ear infection which means we didn't get much sleep, Parent/Teacher Conferences for Kaia and Gabe, my husband and I were so busy we barely saw each other at all. Oh, and one of our cats has been sick and had to go to the vet and the engine light on our van keeps coming on and we can't figure out why... almost sounds like the lyrics to a REALLY bad country song.

We tried to go out for dinner last night and it was a bit crazy. I was worn out, because of all of the above and more, physically and emotionally. Well, it wasn't the best Valentine's Day ever, but it wasn't the worst; after all, we did have sushi! Then, to top it off, I got sick later that night -- I've never gotten sick from sushi. Well, that won't stop me from eating it again!!

Today is a blur.

Before I put the kids to bed, we read a little verse and quote from "Stand a Little Taller" by Gordon B. Hinckley. It was the perfect quote and scripture for today. My heart needed it.

RELY ON THE LORD

"And by hearkening to observe all the words which I, the Lord their God, shall speak unto them, they shall never cease to prevail until kingdoms of the world are subdued under my feet, and the earth is given unto the saints, to possess it forever and ever." Doctrine & Covenants 103:7

"The Lord has given you this glorious Church. His Church, to guide you and direct you, to give you opportunity for growth and experience, to teach you and lead you and encourage you, to make of you His chosen daughter or son, one upon whom He may look with love and with a desire to help. Of course there will be some problems along the way. There will be difficulties to overcome. But they will not last forever. He will not forsake you." ~ Gordon B. Hinckley

Anonymous with a side a STINK!

I don't even know what that title means, but it felt good to type it, so I'm leaving it there. This is not a happy post, friends. You have been warned.

Seriously. I had it all worked out this morning, well, in my head at least.  I was going to start a new blog, an anonymous blog. A blog where I could TRULY vent and tell it like it is. I had a really pitiful name for it and dozens of things I couldn't wait to post about. The thought is still swirling, but the fear of someone finding out who's writing all of these horrible "woe is me" and "this just chaps my hide" kind of posts keeps me from doing it. Yep, you can say it, I'm a chicken.

Can you even create an anonymous blog? I'm sure you can... but I'm sure there's a way you can track down the person who wrote it. I don't trust the cyber world.

I didn't know if "wo", was spelled "wo" or "woe", so I googled it. Did you know that "Woe is me" is a is an American Electro Post-Hardcore band from Atlanta, Georgia.??? Wow, I'd better check them out... ha.

Anyway, today is the day I've been waiting for sort of. The day I knew was coming, but I just didn't know exactly when. The last few weeks things have been going so good. All the kids are healthy, we're building a beautiful new home, Zeke has a great job, I have awesome friends and family, life is just so good, right? I kept thinking something bad was going to happen. I'm not trying to be negative or pessimistic (maybe I am and I just don't realize it), but when things are "up" for so long... there has to be a "down", you know, "opposition in all things" and stuff like that. I just felt like I needed to be prepared.

The really terrible thing is nothing earth-shattering or truly terrible has HAPPENED, I'm just having a really bad day. There I said it. You know when you cry a little and you tell yourself, "Okay, chill, the kids are going to worry and your mascara will be ruined." (I tell myself that a lot) Well, today isn't one of those days. Today I cried so much I had snot dripping down my face and there's no trace whatsoever of the mascara that was there at 8am. Yeah. Woe is me.

You know, the thing that really bugs me is someone once said I'm a "woe is me" kind of person. That  has been a very hard pill to swallow. I don't think they really know me.... most days I'm really upbeat and fine... and yet, it seems like just under the surface is ME. There's probably some truth to that and that's what makes it so hard. The me that freaks out over "nothing", the me that sometimes I just bite my tongue and put up with stuff so long when I finally can't take it anymore I completely lose it and crumple for awhile. The sad thing is, the "crumple for awhile" seems to last longer than it used to.

Okay, so here's the deal. I had my DUMB yearly visit to the OB-GYN this morning. I won't bother taking the time to link to all of my other posts about that, but I think it's fair to say I hate going to the OB-GYN a bit more than your average woman.

Don't worry, everything "looks" fine. Seriously though, what does that mean? How can your cervix LOOK fine. You know, it bugs me so much, because well, for one thing, I can't see for myself. And if I did, I wouldn't know what to look for. I get SO COMPLETELY freaked out on the days leading up to my check-up and clear until I hear the results back on the pap smear.... and even then I worry if they did it right.

Then, add to that the EMBARRASSMENT. I might be neurotic in this sense, but I HATE that check up! Oh man, I hate it SO bad! I feel so violated. I feel so awful. I hate the random chit-chat the Dr. tries to engage you in while they're basically groping and grabbing and poking and prodding and EW! I can't imagine why I even go... but I know it's important. Blah. It's done. Hopefully for another year.

I thought going to a female OB-GYN would help a little. I don't remember last year being quite so bad, but today was AWFUL. Commence the crying. At least I waited until I got in the car...

And then. THEN! This "building a house" thing. Yes, it's exciting and fun and cool and such a blessing, but it can be SO stressful. So incredibly stressful. It has been part of my every day life for over 7 months now. The builder and realtor and owner of the subdivision DO NOT communicate with each other very well. Sometimes I wonder if they communicate at all.  So we end up hearing two or three different versions of everything and we're supposed to magically "know" which is the right one, because: 1) We can read their minds. 2) We've built a house before so we know things.

Well, since NEITHER of those things are true, I almost always feel "in the dark" about stuff. I thought we'd come to an agreement or arrangement of things from here on out. I won't bore you with all of the details before, but basically, I've just wasted about 6 hours of my personal time (which is such a precious thing to begin with). I have got to chill and just let go and chalk it up to experience and just count it towards the whole process.

One person told me to go pick out our flooring wherever, so I did. I thought the other two people knew of this and were in agreement. I mean, as in, I told one of them on the phone this is what I'm doing... Oh my. There are some people that I struggle with. Whoa. I've researched and called and visited several different flooring stores looking for the best quality I can get for the flooring budget we were given. (Which isn't much!) You know, I just feel like people don't listen.

Anyway, now, today, after all of that, I've been told, "No, actually we need to have you go through a specific place and we'll just give you some choices from there..." ARGGGGGHHH!!! Really? You couldn't tell me that a week ago... um, when I asked you? Do you have any idea the time I have spent looking for flooring? The things I could've been doing instead? Yeah, it's all water under the bridge, really. I know. I know. Blah.

Poor me, we're building a house and I wasted time looking for flooring when I didn't need to. It's just so hard. I feel so lost and Zeke is so busy, I feel like I'm basically doing it all on my own. I just want to be done with all the phone calls and emails.

I will say though, I found a really good deal within our budget and I've learned a lot about flooring and about service and people. "All these things shall give thee experience and shall be for they good..."

And then there's the email shortly thereafter stating our leftover budget for upgrades and what we've used so far... um, yeah. The communication thing isn't going so well. I'll spare you the gory details, but we were told we had a certain amount left when in reality that amount is the total amount before any of the upgrades have been deducted. Does that make sense? Basically, even an extra outlet costs $$$ and it just goes up from there. It's been hard to come to an agreement on wants vs. needs with everyone involved. I'll just leave it at that.

We're okay. Our loan amount will cover it, but it's just more. Not just more $$$, but more paperwork with the builders and me feeling like I have to beg them to let me upgrade this or that and apologize all the while.  I just want it to be done. I want to unpack all of these boxes and not ever utter the phrase, "Sorry, it's still packed" to anyone EVER again. I'm just so tired.

I just want to say so much more and sometimes I really think it would be great to have an anonymous blog to do all that. But I don't want to dwell on the negative. We are so blessed. I just feel so darn angry some times. Neglected and ignored and overworked and "under-demeciated" and yeah, "woe is me". Did I tell you how ornery teenagers can be sometimes? (Mom, forgive me please, I was THE worst teenager ever!)

Do you ever feel alone? Just SO alone. In a crowd of people. In the middle of your noisy house with all of your family and cats. I still feel so alone sometimes. I'm just so convenient and reliable. I'm not interesting or exciting.

I have this dream of living on a farm somewhere and Zeke and I could be school teachers or owners of a bookstore or bakery or something like that and we could raise chickens and have four-wheelers and well, live right up the street from my Mom. We're just SO busy, but it's a different kind of busy. You farmers correct me if I'm wrong, I could be completely delusional as far as that goes. We're just running everywhere all the time and Zeke is rarely home. It's interesting to see the older kids "need" me less and less. They "want" me less. Oh, I need to stop. I just feel sad today. I think I'm just tired.

I think it's Satan working on me. I'm teaching a YW (Young Women) lesson on Sunday and well, whenever I'm preparing for something spiritual like that, I really get tested and tried as far as my faith and patience and strength to do what I've been asked to do. I'm serving in the Stake YW and I seem to be teaching or speaking at least once a month or more, so I'm feeling much more unsettled and tested than I did in the past. Again, "All these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good... right?"

Did I tell you my OB-GYN was asking about our house and I think she lives down the street from me?? Yuck. There's just some things I don't want people to know about me. Those things. Like, when she sees me now will she picture me naked (and laugh!)??? Oh, gosh. Okay, I'm crying again. Man, that really threw me off today.

My friend and I were watching "Groundhog Day" on Saturday (cool, huh?) and we were just talking about what that would really be like, to live the same day over and over again. She said all you can really take with you is your relationships and your knowledge. I just keep thinking about that. We were getting too deep and I think it was annoying our husbands (Zeke, at least). After all, it is Bill Murray!

I just wish there was more time to invest in things that truly matter. I wish I could change things. I wish things could be more simple. I wish I didn't have to go to the OB-GYN once a year, but I do and it's okay. It could be worse...

We are so blessed in SO many way. I'm amazed. I don't feel worthy of our blessings. We have been so healthy for months now -- that is an absolute miracle.

Today is a day when ice cream or flowers or a good book just won't cut it.  I want my Mom. And you know, when I say that, I immediately feel guilty. I think of my nieces and nephew and their Mom (my sister) who's up in heaven. I'm sorry guys, forgive me. My mom is still here, but oh how I wish I could visit her today. I always wonder how you feel on days like this? I hope I can be there for you if you ever need a shoulder to cry on.

Sometimes I wish I was a little kid again. When Zeke comes home from work, all the kids want him and need him. Hugs and help with homework and all that, I think I get jealous sometimes... by the time he gets to me, well, he doesn't. I'm usually in bed before he and Gabe go to bed. They need their Daddy. I need a date!

Wow, I'm a mess. A pathetic baby of a mess today. It's just been lots of things building and then coming to a head all at once. I'm just leaving this up here. I need to put it into words and get it out.

Thanks for the bit of sunshine today: Jessica, Lora, and Shauntae. Your phone calls and texts made me happy. :) Thank goodness for friends.

Christmas Magic

I was so excited during the weeks leading up to Christmas: decorating our little apartment, wrapping presents, baking goodies, reading Christmas stories each night, watching our favorite Christmas movies... I love it all.

The kids got out of school a few days before Christmas and I couldn't be happier. This year has been really crazy. Driving 4 kids to 4 different schools each morning has been insane... I can't seem to get anything accomplished, so I was really looking forward to the break. Just to chill and not drive everywhere all day and tell my kids a thousand times, "Time to get up, let's go, get in the car, we're going to be late, do your homework, go to bed!"

We live in the center of town where it's considered "walking distance" to all of the schools, so there are no buses to pick up my two older kids. Just to catch you up -- we sold our house and moved into an apartment the end of June. 1000 square feet, 6 people, 3 cats, yeah. But it's a actually good thing. We're building a house and it's supposed to be finished by March 1st, so I can almost see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, this is our first move in 9 years. I was really comfortable where we were. I knew everyone in our neighborhood and ward (church group). It was home. Exciting as the thought of building a new house may be, it has been quite an adjustment for all of us. We've been attending our new ward since we moved.

The new ward is nice enough, but it's new. I've really tried to get to know people and yet, I look around and I feel like I hardly know anyone.  We went to church the Sunday before Christmas and I was just feeling so sad. Walking into sacrament meeting, I felt like a total stranger. We sat down and saw so many people -- most of whom we didn't know, families that came to visit other ward members -- I had no idea who was who for that matter.

Anyway, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself... feeling sad that we moved... missing our old ward and neighborhood and friends... feeling very alone and hoping our Christmas break would be happy and relaxing. I've decided that moving is sort of like losing someone you love. Things will never be the same. You see or hear something that reminds you of your lost loved one or your old neighborhood and a flood of memories come back. It can be so overwhelming you feel like you will burst and no one really truly understands how you feel. No matter how wonderful your life is now, there's still something missing. Something that can never be replaced. It's a new "normal".

Sunday was bittersweet. New friends and cheerful smiles, a beautiful Christmas program -- but those familiar faces I've known for so long, those knowing smiles I'd come to rely on, the Christmas programs our ward did, the inside jokes, the special connections, and touching stories that bound us together for 9 years -- it just wasn't the same. That Sunday I couldn't figure out for the life of me why I chose to walk away from all of that. Familiar. Comfortable. Easy. My heart ached to go back, but really, there's no going back. Ever. It will never be the same. I look in the windows of our old home and see warm lights and happy smiles... but it's a new family. That life is gone.

I sound crazy. I know! We chose to leave. We felt like it was time to move on and bring our family closer together for many different reasons. We're so excited about our new house. REALLY. This year, however, I've truly realized it doesn't matter where you live. It matters what's inside you and what you do together as a family WHEREVER you live.

So after sacrament, I had agreed to substitute in nursery with the 3 year olds. I have to admit, I wasn't really looking forward to it. Since moving, I've been asked to sub in Primary (children's classes) a lot. It feels like every Sunday I'm there I'm substituting. I know I could say no, but that's just not me. I know they need help. Anyway, I feel like I haven't gotten to meet very many ladies in our ward because I never get to go to Relief Society. Blah blah blah, whine whine whine, I know. Nine years is a long time. I got really comfortable in our old ward. I knew everyone and everyone knew me. It's just going to take some time.

Nursery ended up being wonderful. The other lady helping in the nursery was so nice and friendly -- it means a lot. The children were adorable. We got to take them into Primary with the older kids for awhile to help them adjust since they would no longer be in nursery starting in January. They were so nervous. They didn't even know me and they held my hand so tight. A few of them had tears in their eyes and told me they wanted to go back to the nursery.

Everyone in the Primary was so excited to have the little nursery kids there. They were so friendly and they had fun songs and games for them -- but the nursery kids were afraid. They wanted something familiar and comfortable and easy. I knew just how they felt! My heart filled with love for these sweet little children. The rest of my Sunday was filled with serving and giving and understanding -- I wasn't feeling sorry for myself anymore. Substituting in nursery that day had been a gift just for me. A tender mercy from a kind and loving Heavenly Father. I loved nursery so much I offered to substitute the following Sunday! :)

Christmas was absolutely magical for me this year. I woke up on Christmas Eve feeling kind of depressed and stressed and blah. Not really sure why -- just a lot going on. I was wishing we could be with family -- we visited our parents for Thanksgiving and decided we would stay home for Christmas. It was snowing like crazy -- I was bummed thinking about our house that is waiting to be shingled and how many more weeks the storm will set us back. I was stressed -- Zeke and I were trying to deal with various issues with our children and it's just very emotionally draining and hard not to wallow in it sometimes. I was tired -- I remember curling up with the family to watch "Elf" around noon and I fell asleep for a bit. I hardly ever sleep in the middle of the day. Not sounding very magical, is it?

Okay, as a family, we like to pick someone to do the "12 days of Christmas" for each year. If I remember, I'll do a blog post about what we actually do -- it's very inexpensive and really fun. Anyway, the person we chose was someone we didn't know very well --  a man who lives by our apartment. He lives alone and well, all six of us wanted him to be the one for various reasons. So that was definitely a great experience -- anonymously leaving treats and gifts on his doorstep each night for eleven nights. We hoped it would bring him some Christmas cheer.

Christmas Eve was the last day. On this day, we all go as a family and introduce ourselves and give the final treat. I was still feeling blah and it was still snowing. We bundled up around 3pm and trudged over to his apartment. He was SO thrilled to finally learn who had been leaving all of the treats. We had met him previously this fall so it was fun to chat and get to know him better. It was then I noticed a little bit of happy creep into my heart, a little less blah -- I was thinking about someone else besides myself.

Directly in front of his apartment is a narrow alleyway on a fairly steep hill. By this time, the snow was at least 6 inches deep and there were no snow plows in sight on Christmas Eve. We ran back over to our apartment, bundled up a little more, grabbed our sleds, and raced back to the alley. It was awesome!    The alley was great: not too fast, not too bumpy, and all to ourselves. It was then I realized I was smiling and laughing AND that I had been for quite awhile.

The man we had just visited came outside and visited some more while we sledded and watched the kids.  He told us more about him --  both his parents had passed away, he was divorced twice, and his kids were grown and married and really didn't visit him much. It's almost as hard for me to type that sentence as it was for me to hear him say it. I can still see his face and the ache I felt in my heart. I wish I could tell you more about him, but I don't want to get too personal.

We had a really good visit and I just knew we needed to invite him over for Christmas Day to eat dinner with us. I looked at Zeke and I knew he was thinking the same thing. So we did. He said he might come. He was invited to his brother's house a couple hours away, but with the storm he wasn't sure if he wanted to travel that far. We encouraged him to come over and hang out with us.

We came in from sledding way past dark and I seriously felt like a little kid again. I can't remember the last time I've felt quite that way. It was truly magical! What a simple thing -- taking treats to a neighbor and spontaneously going sledding on an empty street. Later, we opened our traditional Christmas Eve present (or two or three -- thanks Grandmas and Grandpas!) The kids were excited about their presents, but they kept mentioning how much fun it had been to go sledding and how excited they were to have our new friend over for dinner the next day.

We read the account of the Savior's birth from the Bible and somehow got the kids in bed (notice I didn't say ASLEEP). Christmas morning came bright and early as Beck woke up at 5am wanting to know "did he come? did Santa come?" I think we got everyone up and ready to go around 6am. We opened presents and it was crazy. (I'll save that story for another day.) Anyway... it was mostly good.

After breakfast, I started fixing our Christmas Dinner. We planned to eat at 3pm and there was lots to do. Everyone pitched in and at 2:55, the table was set and ready, so I went to the bathroom to freshen up a bit before dinner. While I was in the bathroom I heard the doorbell ring. A wave of butterflies surged through my stomach -- he's here! I wasn't sure if he would really come. I was nervous, but excited.

We had a great dinner. He was so grateful and kind. He was really interesting to talk to and the conversation just seemed to flow. He kept complimenting our children on their good manners (what the? yeah, it was a truly magical day in many ways). He stayed for a few hours and I felt like it was one of THE best Christmases I've ever had. We talked a lot about our beliefs and membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He is also a member of our Church.

My heart ached for all that he has been through and all that he is going through. Suddenly, my "trials" and "troubles" seemed so incredibly trivial and even foolish and shameful. I tried to empathize with him, but I found myself flailing over every word I'd try to say. He was so happy just to have someone to spend Christmas with and I felt ashamed for feeling so crowded and overwhelmed with my little family sometimes. He has so many health problems and I felt so grateful to realize how healthy we really are and what a blessing that is.

Without any fancy presents, parties, or plans, and basically a "stranger" at our table, I felt closer to the Savior this Christmas than any other Christmas I can recall. I felt His love for me and my sweet little family. I felt His love for this kind man. I felt JOY. I don't know how to describe it, but joy is different from happiness. It is more than happy. It floods your entire mind and body with peace and fulfillment and hope and love. It's the true Spirit of Christmas.

This feeling set the mood for our family. Again, this is not like other Christmases. We're usually all sick and fighting most of the time. We have been SO blessed for Zeke to have two weeks vacation from work. It's been so cold and it has snowed so much, we haven't really gone anywhere. Quite simply, we have spent time together. The clock has literally come to a stop and it has been the most wonderful Christmas, here in this tiny apartment.

Just being together. No plans, no running around, no expectations, no fevers, no doctor visits, no alarm clocks, no homework, no schedules: just playing, cooking, eating, watching movies, building with Legos, taking pictures, laughing, playing video games and board games, singing, dancing, thinking, talking, reading, napping, cuddling, living, being. There is no price tag on the gifts I have received.

Too Many Hats

How do I do this? Every year or so, I realize I have WAY too much going on in my life. How did it sneak up on me? When and why did I sign up for all of this? How can I possibly "wear" this many "hats"? Definitely not all at once. Wow, I think I need a bigger hat rack...

wife to Zeke

mother to Gabe

mother to Zoe

mother to Kaia

mother to Beck 

(all four "mother" hats are very different and separate)

daughter

friend

aunt

sister

niece

chauffeur

chef

maid

laundress

seamstress

shopper

picture taker
referee

home decorator

event planner

meal planner

errand runner

bill payer

budget maker

book club member x 2

pampered chef consultant

art volunteer at school

literacy volunteer at school
Room Mom for Kaia's class

busy "church calling person"

cat owner x 3

aquarium owner

book reader

movie watcher

blogger

"facebooker"

"not even close to professional, but wanna be" organizer
"wanna be" crafter/DIYer

"wanna be" author

"wanna be" college graduate

weirdo (all encompassing emotionally, physically, and mentally... I'm out there.)

oh, and Beck says, "UNO player"

I'm sure there's more...

I wonder what all of these hats would actually look like?? 

That's fun to think about... I may have to expound on that later.

Life is good. It really is, just BUSY. Can one be too busy? YES. What to give up? I'm not sure.

Some "hats" I love TOO much to even consider giving up... others "hats" I have to wear and I'm proud of it... other "hats" I want to wear more often, but keep them hanging on the rack just in case I get a chance to wear them later.

What are your favorite "hats"? How do you balance your time in "wearing" them? What would you say NO to? How do you say NO?

Well, I can't say NO to another round of UNO...

Just one of those days...

I had this really inspiring blog post in my head a couple days ago... but not today. Today I just feel so off. Sad. Tired. Bummed. Tired. Misunderstood. Tired. Angry. Tired. Regretful. Tired. Resentful. Tired. I just can't stop crying today. It's just one of those days, I guess. Do you ever have days like that?

I did have a great bit of morning with my dear friends. It's been way too long since we got together. If only I wasn't interrupted every 5 minutes by my DUMB cell phone! I feel like I'm running a small company as of late, trying to sell a house and build another one. Wow, as soon as we close, at least half the phone calls will end, right? I cannot begin to express how tired I am of all the phone calls!!!

I feel so put upon by some people. (Don't worry, it's not you. I KNOW these few people I'm referring to don't read my blog.) I'm not even sure what I mean by that. I just feel like I should have it more together than I do. Three of my kids are back in school and one of them has preschool a few days a week. Do you know how short 2-1/2 hours really are? I spent most of that in the car today, because I'm just so whacked out busy and our life is so chaotic, I kinda forgot that middle school has late start on Wednesdays and I just found out this morning that high school also has late start (when my son arrived over an HOUR early!!) At least no one was late, right? However, the teenage grumblings of what could have been an extra 30 minutes of sleeping in are even more annoying! And NOW I have two! OY!!!  

Dear Mom, I am so sorry for being such a horrible, grumpy, emotional, ungrateful, and disobedient teenager. Please, PLEASE, Take your curse back!!!!!!! Please. Really, you are awesome. I don't think I will survive. (I can hear you laughing even 4 hours away. Stop. It's making me laugh and I don't want to laugh, not yet, I'm not sure if it's funny yet!)

I just feel so lame. So lost. So behind. So uninformed. So inefficient. So incapable. Yet everything and everyone in our house depends on ME. Our entire house runs only because of me. And it doesn't run very well, mind you! 

Last night I just felt so awful. Sick awful. By 5pm, I was so completely exhausted that I literally couldn't move. It didn't go over too well. Everyone was floundering at my feet. Mom's sick??? What do we do? This happens occasionally. I just overdo it. I didn't save enough "spoons" to get through the day. 

I just feel broken today. I'm so glad I have a blog just for this reason. I can type away until my heart's content and no one even has to listen (or read) and I don't have to schedule it around my life (sort of) or feel embarrassed about what I say or worry if I'm imposing on someone else's time. I feel like everything is my fault and there's nothing I can do about it. Bleh. 

Do you ever feel like that whole "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" thing is really true?  Sometimes I feel like my husband and I are SO different that we aren't even from the same universe! I love him dearly, I do. It's just hard. We just don't speak the same language sometimes or something?! Honey, I love you. Thanks for sitting by me and for the popsicles last night. :) Honestly, I am a wreck. Did I tell you I'm tired?

My little Beck is home from preschool and he's been so patient. Thank you, Netflix!

On a good note, Beck and Kaia were taking pictures with my phone yesterday and in one of them I saw the book that Gabe has been looking for. It was in the picture! How cool is that? We've looked everywhere for it. I hope it's still there.

Also..... drum roll please........ our buyers texted me this morning.... it looks like we might actually for real be closing on FRIDAY! I don't dare believe it yet or let myself get excited, but just in case, I'm thinking about blasting "Friday, I'm in love" from the CURE on Friday, because of course, that is THE day you play that song for whatever good events may be happening that day. I'm tired. I cannot imagine this being real. I'm going to check my text messages to make sure.


Post Script

Just wanted to let you know how the end of my day was... I got in the car and started my usual round of school pick-ups. When I picked up Gabe, he asked if I could drop him off at home before I picked up Zoe. It's on the way, so I did. When I got home, I walked into the kitchen and Gabe said, "Mama, I got you some ice cream!!!" I said, "What??" He replied, "I just thought you might like some, I know you haven't been feeling well..."
Poor kid. He truly had NO idea what kind of day (or days) I've had. I haven't even really told you half of all that's been going on. Well, I just crumpled to the floor in tears. I don't think he knew what to do. I was so happy. I hugged him and thanked him and hugged him again. Gabe was SO sweet. I cannot convey to you how significant this small act of kindness is. Right NOW. From HIM. To ME. I will never forget it. There's hope. Never give up.

THEN!!! If that wasn't cool enough -- my dear hubby read my blog post and came home early from work with a bouquet of roses! He also fixed dinner and cleaned the kitchen. It was SO thoughtful of him. I really appreciate all that he does for me, especially when I'm not feeling well. Poor guy, didn't know what he was getting into when he married me! :)

Today is a new day....

FOUR

Four Children
Four Different Schools
Four Back to School Nights
Four years old -- Beck wants to be older SO bad!!
Four + Two = the number of hours until I need to go pick up the kids from school
Four - One = the number of cats in our house :)
Four x Four = Sixteen = the number of years Zeke and I have been married (he just reminded me!:)
Four months since I have blogged!
Four months to the day until Christmas Eve!
Four months until our house is finished (that is, once they start...)
Four + Four = the number of weeks we have been waiting for the loan to close on our house (not including the four weeks standard wait after the offer was signed).
Four = the number of days left until we close (I hope!)

Four books I'm trying to read right now:

• "Hunger Games" (finally, I know! Thanks, Tawnya)
• "Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
• "To the Rescue" Thomas S. Monson Biography
• "Throne of Fire" -- number two in the Kane Chronicles series from Rick Riordan

Four things on my grocery list:

• Black fingernail polish (Zoe and Kaia's request)
• Dreyer's Coconut Bars (a family favorite)
• Coriander (I need it for my pulled pork recipe)
• Honeycomb cereal (Gabe's request)

Four things I miss about my old house:

• Lora
• My yard
• Four bedrooms
• Neighborhood kids

Four things I should be doing instead of blogging:

• Laundry
• Dishes
• Trim Beck's nails
• Clean litter boxes

Four minutes = how much longer I can spend on the computer until Beck has a meltdown...

Blogging is cheaper than therapy...

It's been almost 4 months since I've posted on my blog. I'll backtrack later (maybe).

All I know is that it has been 4 months of CRAZY.

In a nutshell, we are (hopefully) building a home. Yes, I can hardly believe it. More details about that later.

Somewhere around the first of May, I felt like I didn't need to blog anymore, like it was just one extra thing to take away what little free time I don't have. I actually unpublished my blog for awhile... just didn't want to mess with it during the move and I was having issues with the idea that anyone could read it. Well, obviously I'm past that now.

Suddenly, I regret not keeping a blog during all of this insanity. To go back and remember and laugh and look how far we've come...

I've come to a realization. Blogging helps keep me sane. Blogging helps me vent and purge all of those crazy thoughts and fears I have at 3am. Blogging helps my husband get more sleep at night. Blogging helps me be nicer to my children. Really. It sounds like a contradiction, but I need to MAKE time to blog. I need to create and think and have somewhere to put my thoughts -- and I'm NOT talking about "to-do" lists! It's good for me. :) There. Done.

Today, by the way, is the first day of school for my 3rd grader and HIGH SCHOOL Freshman..... What the??

My 6th grader starts tomorrow and my preschooler starts Monday.

I'll post pictures later...

Things I've learned in the last 4 months:

• We are selling our house --- just because you have an offer on your house doesn't mean it is actually sold.
• When you move from a neighborhood and more specifically from a ward (group in Church) -- you find out FAST who your real friends are.
• All of our belongings fit quite comfortably in a 1000 square foot apartment. Huh. And we're moving because.... well, because we feel like we are supposed to, because we want a more functional floorplan, because (hopefully) we sold our house.
• It's better to laugh than to cry; crying gives me a headache. (I think Marjorie Hinckley said this, but I know it is so true.)
• Peppermint Oil works great for a headache. Rub it on your forehead, temples, and the back of your neck.
• In general, I like things to be quiet -- unless people are laughing.
• People can change. (I hope that includes me.)
• Zoe, my 11 year old daughter, is one of my best friends.
• Cats are the "gateway conversation" with a teenager. ALWAYS. Cats are comforting. Cats are quiet for the most part, much quieter than children or dogs. Cats are funny. Cats make me smile. Cats make everyone in our house smile. Smiling is a good thing. However, I don't like cats sleeping on my face!
• I like structure. More than I realized.
• I have a shopping habit. I like to buy stuff. I even like to buy groceries... sick, I know.
• I like hiking and swimming and sitting under the trees at Merlin Olsen Park.
• Being a parent to a 14 yr old boy, 11 yr old girl, 8 yr old girl, and 4 yr old boy is HARD. I have to interact with each one in a completely different way and usually all at the same time. I still haven't figured out how to do this effectively.
• I also like playing Mario Kart on the Wii. I come in last place every time, but hey, it's fun.
• Zeke and I are getting older... good older, but just older. It's so weird... I remember having a major crush on him when I was in 8th grade and he was in 10th...
• Zeke is SO patient with me. WOW! Honey, I'm hoping by resuming my blog you can have some peace.

I could go on and on...but last of all I've learned that I need to blog! In the last 4 months I've had several people ask about my blog and it's meant so much to me. Thanks! I've missed you.

I.M. Bummed

Hey friends... I was doing so well this year. I got my taxes filed two weeks ago and I've been *not-so-patiently* waiting for our refund. Nothing HUGE, but definitely some extra money. Well, after almost 16 years of marriage and four children, somewhere along the way I'm afraid to say I've lost my mind. My capacity to remember things and be organized. It is GONE.
So I was really shocked and dismayed to find ANOTHER TAX DOCUMENT in my mailbox last week. You see, Zeke graduated from school in December 2010. He's had ONE W-2 since forever. (Well, like 10 years!) And I completely FORGOT that last Spring he taught a class at Utah State. It was SO normal for him to be there, I forgot he was being the TEACHER for 5 months and getting PAID for it. So yada, yada, yada... It has now become necessary for me to ammend our tax return.

No big deal. I did it online. It was quite easy. 20 minutes, maybe.

However, $885 of the refund I'm hoping will be deposited tomorrow will have to be returned to the IRS by April 15th.... :( I.M. Bummed. That is all.

In other news... we have to get our truck registered by tomorrow and Zeke just informed me tonight that the back tail-lights don't work. Lovely.

I am determined NOT to be discouraged! Just bummed....

Nothing fun or frivolous planned, just planning to pay off some bills....

bleh.

Time to purge or "I wanna be sedated" or Where's Sigmund Freud when I need him?

My brain is so full... I can never get rid of enough craziness running around in it. I can't focus anymore. My brain is full to the absolute brim. I need to purge. I need room to think about good stuff. Important stuff. Necessary stuff. Fixable stuff.

I don't think anyone cares to know or wants to hear all of the JUNK in my head, but it needs to come out.

1. I am so sad about our cat, Pippin. In a nutshell, he's not here anymore. He was being so mean to Caspian and Noira we took him away. We weren't sure what to do. Long story :( How do you choose one cat over the other? My kids, especially the girls, are SAD. I am one of those girls too. I wish we could have all of "our" cats, including Carmel and Oscar. Who, you say? But that would involve some backstory. In the words of Flynn Rider, "Sorry, Blondie. I don't do backstory!" Well, at least not today.

2. I am convinced that my house will magically be "CLEAN" when Beck is approximately 6 years old. Melted popsicles, mud, cereal, legos, paper scraps, bugs, grass, clothes, crayons, pee (yes, pee!), etc. How can you possibly enjoy that? I love HIM, just not his messes. I'm just so tired all the time. See #4.

3. I am completely blown away by the behavior of some "adults" I have witnessed over the past two days. BLOWN AWAY. Wow. Where are your manners? Are manners important? Am I just a hypocrite for complaining about it? Probably.

4. I have been having the most extremely upsetting, vividly realistic dreams and nightmares for the past month or so. My husband thinks it's funny. He thinks I should write them down and use them for a book. Believe me, I could. But I'm not sleeping well and my mind, heart, and body are truly experiencing all of these emotions so I wake up very upset and exhausted. I'm waking up all through the night and when the alarm goes off it takes me a good five minutes to convince myself that none of the nightmares really happened.

Anyone out there ever had recurring intense nightmares before? They're not the same story every night, so I guess I mean recurring in the fact that every night I have a nightmare. Sometimes they aren't about anything even going on in my life -- where are they coming from? But there is a common theme: there is a very stressful, often life-threatening situation and I'm supposed to get out of it or fix it or save people. Every time I fail. Last night I didn't. That was the first time. I woke up very exhausted and freaked out, but happy, because I "saved the day". Hmm... I wonder what I'll dream about tonight?

In no particular order and in no great detail, here's just a sampling of my nightmares: my Dad, my husband, my kids, people in my ward, getting in a car accident with my friend, Kree, doing daycare in a restaurant where the walls rotate, trying to get out of a car that is underwater, trying to get out of my house that is on fire and trying to get someone to believe me and help me call the fire department, people making me have my picture taken with my head and arms locked in one of those wooden things (? I can't think of the name), Kevin Bacon, being in middle school and trying to find a babysitter for my kids, so I can go to class and then fly (really fly) home and get back to cheer-leading practice and make dinner before the football game, trying to fly away from the "bad guys" while holding all four of my kids, my Mom and Zeke being insanely furious with me for not agreeing to watch some kids in our ward in the middle of the night, helping my friend, Ruth, reunite two ghosts living in our apartments that were trying to kill us until we figured out what they wanted (oh my, that was last night, it's still freaking me out), Zeke leaving me, my Dad dying, Zeke leaving me, my Mom dying, Me leaving Zeke, Me dying, Zeke dying, my kids dying, Zeke leaving me, my Mom being mad at me, not being able to find our house, and of course, the classic, being naked in public (I was at the grocery store and every time I would try to cover myself with something it would disappear -- this might seem funny, but people had called the police and were going to take my children away from me) Okay, are you scared yet? Of me, at least, right?!

My nightmares don't make ANY sense, but they are driving me CRAZY. Or? Am I already CRAZY and my brain is just churning and twisting all night long trying to sort through my issues? Really, guys, I think I might be crazy.

5. Do you ever have a terrible suspicion that someone doesn't like you? Someone you like. Someone you REALLY like. Someone that matters. You can just FEEL that everything you do and say is annoying the HECK out of them? And then you suddenly realize it's true and you feel like a total nub? :(

6. I am really stressing about something. I don't want to blog about it yet... I have a really hard time leaving my children. I have extreme GUILT. Guilt about doing something for me, guilt about spending money, guilt about being okay and getting to do stuff, guilt about my sister... I'm sure none of this makes sense to most of you. Sorry. Blah. I'll let you know how it all goes next week. I don't want to put stuff on my blog that is scheduled to happen and you know what a paranoid freak I am. I don't want people to know where I'm at (or not) and when. I hate having choices sometimes. I make dumb choices sometimes. Too often lately.

The Real Deal

I woke up in a funk the other morning. Around 4am I had a nightmare about my Dad... I just couldn't seem to shake it all day long.

Things got to me all day, that feeling again like I don't fit in, I'm a terrible mother, a terrible person, a failure.
Life is too hard, things are too sad and scary and HARD.

Did I mention that life is hard?

Stressed, anxious, depressed, scared.

I just wanted to be home with my kids.

I came home and read some scriptures, helped fix some of the girl's Polly Pocket dresses (no small task), helped Beck make a track for his car, moved all the pictures around on my wall and added some more, made dinner, just going through the motions really. I just felt sad and lost today.

Zeke came home tired and stressed too. We couldn't wait to get the kids to bed. I came downstairs to find Zoe starting the movie, "The Other Side of Heaven". I love this movie. I love the Tongan people (and I love Anne Hathaway). Most of all, I love the message. I felt the Spirit so strongly.
My heart needed it.

I couldn't find the exact quote, but I love the part after the storm and they all make it to shore and one of them says sometimes the Lord calms the storm and sometimes He calms the sailor. I've heard that many times before, but then Elder Groberg says, "and sometimes He just lets us swim." Isn't it true? I know that God loves us and helps us, but sometimes I think we have to work things out ourselves so we can learn and grow and exercise our faith.

My favorite quote that brought me peace, "There is a connection between heaven and earth. Finding that connection gives meaning to everything, including death. Losing that connection makes everything lose meaning, including life."

I am convinced the only thing in this world that brings any peace to my troubled heart is The Gospel of Jesus Christ. I feel better because of the truths I was reminded of that give me hope for a better day and faith in an eternal family. It's the real deal!

I invite all of you, especially those members of my family who don't have this peace in their lives, to come unto Christ. ALL of you.
Pray to know if this Gospel is true.
I know that I haven't been the best example every moment of my life, but I know this church is true and I am forever grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ that makes it possible for me and for everyone to repent of their mistakes and try to become a better person each day. A change of heart. We have the opportunity to be Eternal Families and live again with our Father in Heaven in peace and love because of His Son.
"I tremble to know that for me He was crucified.
That for me, a sinner, He suffered, He bled, and died..."
("I Stand All Amazed", Hymns #193)

THIS is the definition of Insanity

"The definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." ~ Albert Einstein

I can't believe how often this quote applies to my life. When I finally wake up and realize what I'm doing -- this quote always comes to mind.

Thanks, Gabe, for letting me use your AWESOME gorilla skull on my blog
(I think it would make a cool T-shirt):

I was whining to Zeke this morning (Wednesday after my last post) about how hard it is and how stressed I am, how messy the house is and how grumpy we all are and sick of each other. DUH!

Kids eating breakfast hours apart, sleeping in until 10 or 11, friends coming and going, insanely stressful dinner making times, "the witching hours" as my friend Stephanie calls it. She talked about quiet/play in your room time right before dinner when they're hungry, tired, and excited for Dad to get home. GENIUS. She also told me to spend more one on one time with each child. INSPIRED. Hard to do, but VERY important.

Today I changed, made a schedule, not just in my head, but on paper on the fridge and went through it with each child and well, tried to follow it --aaaaah. So much better! Another quote I need to practice more often, "If you don't write it down, it's simply a wish."
Not every member of the household was pleased with the "SCHEDULE" (i.e. Gabe), but I think they'll figure out soon enough, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" There HAS to be some structure even to summer. June was so crazy and July was so busy. Better late than never, right?

We've done a lot of cool things -- swim lessons, play group, afternoon at the county fair, late nights with friends, summer reading program, cooking together, yard work, sewing, etc, but it's all been "roly-poly, pell-mell tumble-bumble" and I end up at the bottom of the hill in a big heap.
Now that there's only 2 weeks left, I've got it all figured out... for NEXT YEAR! Bring on the Strawberry Shortcake! :) 10 pts. to the first person who can identify one of our favorite books I'm quoting. Oh, and here's the guardian of our front porch (Thank, Caspian):

Is he cute or what?
(Dedra and Tawnya don't need to answer this, but I love you anyway :)

How many Chips Ahoy cookies can you eat in one sitting?

Tonight I am tired, but Zeke is working late and the kids are in bed. Lots of rambling will inevitably follow... you have been warned!

Well, I'm feeling very random this week. I'm looking at the calendar and summer is almost over. Part of me is happy -- I'm ready for more structure and routine and not so much craziness 24/7 with the kids. (Yes, I'm one of THOSE Moms, start your eye-rolling and tsk-tsk-ing now if you must... whatever!) Part of me is sad too, because I don't feel like we've had enough time (or money) to do all of the things I wanted to.

Summer has been a whirlwind of running from here to there and staying home just long enough to play catch-up on the housekeeping (and just barely at that).

I haven't felt very good this week. Mostly today. My loveliest of lovely friends, Tawnya, brought me some back up: Chips Ahoy cookies and Tim's Sour Cream and Onion Potato chips. Yes, for the record they were absolutely divine! Crunchy, chocolatey, salty, sugary goodness. How did you know I love each of these? Thank you! I think I ate 7 or 8 cookies for lunch (yes, for lunch). Then, I had a couple more when I was fixing dinner. Today was a day I needed some comfort food. Tawnya is SO wonderful. I hugged her even though she's not a hugger. Sorry, Tawnya, I just had to! I tried not to break down crying when I opened the door to see my dear friend. I feel like such a baby lately.

Beautiful, aren't they?

Yesterday wasn't exactly my favorite day. Not the worst by any means, but not my favorite. I almost hit a car as I was merging over into the right lane. Zeke says they were in my "blind spot" and they were too close, but it was SO close. It really threw me off. It scared the ba-jeebers out of me and as we pulled into the gas station, I just started crying. Crying because I'm tired, crying because I was scared, crying because I'm frustrated, crying because I'm sick of paying doctor bills (nearly $500 a month!), crying because I don't know why (I realized today that my hormones are out of whack like they always seem to be every couple weeks).

I'm feeling so down on our financial situation. I'm not feeling as optimistic as I was last year at all. I was reading through last summer's posts and I was a nut! I didn't care if we had $5 to our name and last year, we didn't! I was living on faith and just going with the flow and things were taken care of. This year, Zeke has a new job (a better paying job I might add), but the expenses just keep rolling in. I guess I need to recognize that at least we have enough to pay our bills. I am proud to say we are still not incurring any more debt (other than doctor bills, but who has a few thousand dollars just sitting around not earmarked for something else?) Someday we will, but today is not that day. It's like one step forward and ten steps back.

I've also felt a bit somber this last week. My great uncle Nyals passed away. Then, Norma, one of the sweetest older ladies in my parents ward passed away. These deaths came as "blessings" so to speak. Both of them were very old and their poor bodies were just worn out. To top it off, an older sister of one of my neighborhood friends was brutally shot to death right in front of her own son. She was only 39 years old. Life is short. I am so grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I hope I can become better and better each day so I am ready to meet God when it's my turn to go. Not that I want to go anytime soon. I'm just feeling rather reflective and thankful for Nyals and Norma, but really sad for Tina and her family. I wonder what my kids would say at my funeral? She was tired all the time and cried a lot. Gosh, I hope not! I feel like I'm not living up to my potential each day.

I find myself not accomplishing much these past few weeks. That really bums me out. I look at my house and I just feel more tired. I don't know where to start. When I do, a fight ensues somewhere on another floor of the house. It usually involves Beck and whoever. He is at that age where he's trying to figure out his place in the pecking order so to speak. He wants to be big and do everything the big kids do, but he can't and he knows it, but does it anyway. He spills food every meal, everyday. It's not my favorite thing. He will NOT allow us to sit and watch (and actually hear) a movie. He just can't sit still for that long, even if it's one of HIS movies. Oh, and after a bout of stomach flu, Beck has fallen off the potty-training wagon. Or is he back on? I'm just worn out.

Yesterday, he was sitting at the table coloring and swinging his legs and singing to a made-up tune, "I love my Mommy, she's so cute!" And I proceeded to completely melt right there on the kitchen floor. I wrapped him up in my arms and started crying. (I'm always crying lately)

Why are the hardest things in our lives some of the best things?

Zeke and Gabe made it home safely from Scout Camp on Saturday and I am so grateful. I was missing Gabe SO bad last week. The day before he left I absolutely could not wait for him to go. (Sorry, Gabe!) The incessant teasing, fighting over computer turns, arguments over curfew and chores, and the extremely loveable, somewhat annoying, but ever constant: "Mom, guess what? I'm taller than you!" By Tuesday, I was being a baby, crying some more and wishing I could hear him tell me again that he's taller than me.

Then, last night I watched "Soul Surfer" with Zoe, Kaia, and Zeke. Now, it's not one of the best movies ever made, but the story is really good. The girls loved it, especially Zoe. Even though it's rated PG, Kaia was more than a little freaked out by the shark attack scene. She was up well past midnight crying that she wants to keep all of her arms and legs and NEVER go in the ocean. Oh dear. I must admit I found myself thinking the same thing and even woke up last night from a nightmare about it. (I'm almost 37, by the way. Yeah.)

This girl is AMAZING. Her name is Bethany Hamilton. I love movies and books based on true stories. It had a great message, but I found myself being a little negative about it and then mad at myself because I was. Her family lives in Hawaii and they surf. A LOT. In fact, that's ALL they did. Oh, and they went to church a few times. And surfed and surfed and surfed some more.

My dear husband of 15 years leans over (just as my mind was forming the exact same thought) and says, "What does her parents DO for a living?" "How can they have that much money to live in Hawaii and basically play all day?" I know movies don't show everything, but it seemed to be more than a little vague in that part of the story, if not completely absent. Just wondering.

Okay, so today my kids had to watch the movie 4 MORE TIMES! We got our dollars worth at the Redbox this time! Kaia says, "You know Mom, this movie has really taught me that I should believe in myself and I can do anything I want if I try hard enough!" (She's seven, by the way) Then, she says, "I've decided I want to be a surfer more than anything, but well, since I'm afraid of sharks (no, really?) and since we don't live near an ocean (good point), I'm going to go outside and climb a tree. A really big one." I love what she comes up with. Her take on this movie just made me smile.

Zoe and Kaia have talked about Bethany Hamilton ALL day! I think they'll talk about her for some time to come. Today, they tucked one of their arms in their shirts and were even pretending they only had one arm, just like Bethany. I hope they always remember her story and really believe they can do anything they want to. Well, as long as it doesn't involve oceans. Just kidding. Not really.

I went to the Relief Society Activity for our ward tonight. It was about Education. I was thinking, "Okay, whatever, it's not my time yet." But it was REALLY good. I'll have about 5 hours of "free time" each week during the school year when Beck is in preschool and the older kids are at school. I've been planning to go to the temple one of the days and the other is a free day to do errands, house projects, etc. Just for me. I've waited over 13 years for this. I hope I didn't jinx it. Anyway, one of the speakers talked about the Cache Valley Volunteer Center and I got so excited about it! I'm going to check into it and volunteer a couple days a month. I would like to volunteer at the Literacy Center or the Humane Society.

Anyway, there is no point to this post. I just have so much in my head and it feels good to get some of it out. So I ate about 10 cookies today -- and I didn't get sick at all. Yay, KEFIR! I would be eating more right now, but when I got home from the Relief Society Activity they were ALL GONE. Gabe found them. End of story.