Rebel Yell

Hi. I mean HI!! It's been a VERY long time since I've been on the blog... looks like it might need some minors repairs and things. Lots of info and pictures are really outdated.

I've had a few people ask me lately if I'm still blogging and well, you guys made me feel pretty SPECIAL. Thanks for saying you miss me. Even if I can just make you laugh, I will feel like I have contributed something good to the world.

Wow. I don't know about you, but I'm the type of person whose mood can change in an instant. I guess that sounds really immature and unstable... I don't know, maybe it's just the circumstances I'm given that actually create such extreme emotions.

I have so much emotion swirling around inside of me lately I feel as though my head might actually explode! It's like baking soda and vinegar sitting in there, but it's constantly being shaken together, sometimes a little too VIGOROUSLY.

So.... I was thinking back when I first started a blog. It was 2010. I had 4 small children ages 12, 9, 6, and 2 (WOW!) I remember I was serving as the Young Women's President in our ward and I got released that May. I WAS DEVASTATED. I mean. I knew it was time and callings change and all that, but I've never enjoyed a calling as much, before or since I served with the Young Women. It was the BEST!

I decided to start a blog and I don't know... try to occupy my mind and maintain my sanity while raising my 4 kids while Zeke was in school and working full-time. I was lonely and emotional and I needed a place to share my feelings... more than a journal,  a way to connect with others going through similar struggles and have a laugh or TWELVE along the way. I've gotta laugh... or I just might cry.

Well, fast forward 5 years and I'm feeling very much the same as I was, but for very different reasons. I hope I've learned a few things during the last 5 years. I think so. What's changed?? Well, my kids are now 17, 14, 11, and 7 -- how can I truly explain how crazy that is? It's NUTS. Mostly way fun, but NUTS.

And well, I turned 40 this year.... didn't really bug me at all, I guess. I don't mind getting older, but I still feel so young and by that, I definitely DON'T mean I feel like I'm still 20.

I mean I feel like I'm 12. Maybe even 10 some days... yeah.

The music I listen to, the movies I watch, and the books I read would definitely correlate with that feeling....

Last week I was shoe shopping with my kids and my girls talked me in to getting a pair of "combat boots" for myself:

You know... Just LOOKING at this picture makes me smile. I used to have a pair of black 12 hole doc martens in high school... they were my babies. Now these are definitely NOT real doc martens... I'm just too practical cheap to get real ones. Anyway, I'm thrilled with these and they are very tangible evidence of the way I feel inside.  I almost wore them to church today. 

Oh, and I named them Fred and George. (Yes, that would be Weasley. See? I'm 12.)

I feel like a REBEL! I mean. I'm not going to do anything crazy... but I just want to run away sometimes, don't you? Ok, maybe you don't. Now please, before you go call my Bishop and tell him I'm feeling this way... he already knows!!!

You see, my husband IS the new Bishop!!!!! Yeah, I'm not gonna lie... I'm pretty much freaking out. It's just so weird. We are truly blessed, but man, it's just SO WEIRD. Again, I feel 12... so maybe other 40 year old women may not feel quite as traumatized as I do. Help. 

It's been about 6 weeks now and I've decided I need to blog again. I need to vent. I need some advice and moral support. I need to feel normal... whatever that is. 

Most important things

Hi, it's been awhile since I've blogged. Life is good and busy. My blog is morphing. I'm morphing. I find myself making time for the most important things: playing with my children, spending time with my sweetheart, helping others, and doing family history. Seriously, I could do SO much better, but these are the things I WANT to focus on. These are the things I want to teach my children through my example.

A great quote from President Ezra Taft Benson:

“When we put God first, all other things fall

 into their proper place or drop out of our

 lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the 

claims for our affection, the demands on our

 time, the interests we pursue, and the order 

of our priorities.”

I listened to a really great conference talk this morning helped solidify my feelings about family history:

  

"The Joy of Redeeming the Dead" 

by Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.

A great quote from this talk: "Any work you do in the temple is time well spent, but receiving ordinances vicariously for one of your own ancestors will make the time in the temple more sacred, and even greater blessings will be received. The First Presidency has declared, “Our preeminent obligation is to seek out and identify our own ancestors.”⁷

Do you young people want a sure way to eliminate the influence of the adversary in your life? Immerse yourself in searching for your ancestors, prepare their names for the sacred vicarious ordinances available in the temple, and then go to the temple to stand as proxy for them to receive the ordinances of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost. As you grow older, you will be able to participate in receiving the other ordinances as well. I can think of no greater protection from the influence of the adversary in your life."

I hope this talk will inspire you to seek out your own ancestors. You can go to familysearch.org to get started.

Rely on the Lord

Have you noticed I haven't been blogging this week? Yeah... it's been a crazy week. I think I say that more than I don't so it doesn't really mean anything. (Reminds me of the "Incredibles" when the Mom says, "Everyone's special, Dash." and Dash says, "Which is another way of saying no one is." Yeah, I'm way off...) 

The younger kids are in bed. We celebrated Friday in style eating lots of ice cream and watching, "Ramona and Beezus." It has to be one of my new favorite movies. My Mom sent it to us for a Valentine's surprise. I was surprised how much I really enjoyed it. It just felt real. It made me laugh and cry and laugh and cry some more. Kaia is SO much like Ramona. I always felt like Ramona when I was growing up.

Zeke and my oldest son, Gabe, are sleeping in snow caves somewhere up the canyon with the Scouts... why they do this I will never understand, but they enjoy it.

So now comes the hard part. The house is quiet and I am "alone". Well, not really alone, the cats are sleeping nearby, but the house is SO quiet. TOO quiet. No more distractions to keep my mind busy.

What a week and what a finale! Crazy house stuff: flooring choices, meetings with all the builders and "big wigs", deadlines and delays, a broken window, and not-so-thorough bricklayers. Poor Beck has a double ear infection which means we didn't get much sleep, Parent/Teacher Conferences for Kaia and Gabe, my husband and I were so busy we barely saw each other at all. Oh, and one of our cats has been sick and had to go to the vet and the engine light on our van keeps coming on and we can't figure out why... almost sounds like the lyrics to a REALLY bad country song.

We tried to go out for dinner last night and it was a bit crazy. I was worn out, because of all of the above and more, physically and emotionally. Well, it wasn't the best Valentine's Day ever, but it wasn't the worst; after all, we did have sushi! Then, to top it off, I got sick later that night -- I've never gotten sick from sushi. Well, that won't stop me from eating it again!!

Today is a blur.

Before I put the kids to bed, we read a little verse and quote from "Stand a Little Taller" by Gordon B. Hinckley. It was the perfect quote and scripture for today. My heart needed it.

RELY ON THE LORD

"And by hearkening to observe all the words which I, the Lord their God, shall speak unto them, they shall never cease to prevail until kingdoms of the world are subdued under my feet, and the earth is given unto the saints, to possess it forever and ever." Doctrine & Covenants 103:7

"The Lord has given you this glorious Church. His Church, to guide you and direct you, to give you opportunity for growth and experience, to teach you and lead you and encourage you, to make of you His chosen daughter or son, one upon whom He may look with love and with a desire to help. Of course there will be some problems along the way. There will be difficulties to overcome. But they will not last forever. He will not forsake you." ~ Gordon B. Hinckley

BEAUTIFUL

Why are women so concerned about how they look? 

I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not. In one way or another all women are. I think there's a balance though, between being obsessed and not caring at all. The older I get, I don't care as much how I look, but even still, I have days when I don't feel as "beautiful" as I would like to.

 I attended a New Beginnings meeting last night (for young women ages 12-18) and several of the girls talked about how much they struggle with the way they look. One didn't like her clothes, another was teased a lot when she was younger about the way she looks and still struggles to overcome it, another said she actually thinks she's UGLY. So many young girls feel like they aren't pretty or good enough simply BECAUSE they aren't pretty enough. 

What's up with that? I think a lot of it comes from TV and movies. Everyone is SO perfect and beautiful and appear to be successful and happy only because they ARE beautiful. Somehow, beauty is tied to success and accomplishment, even though they don't really DO anything to show what they've accomplished, they only LOOK perfect. Does that make any sense?

The media is constantly telling us:

Perfect Beauty (fake or surgically enhanced or whatever) = 

Successful, desirable, "worthy", lovable, wanted, preferred, acceptable, better than.

Not Beautiful = unsuccessful, undesirable, not acceptable or worthy of love, less than. As in, don't even bother trying, your effort will not be measured on the same scale simply because you're not beautiful to begin with.

It made me really sad. I had trouble sleeping last night. I was sad, because I've had those same feelings before, and it's hard to overcome. Then, I felt even more upset because I don't want my girls to go through that. My girls are so precious and beautiful to me. I wonder if I'm doing all I can to help balance and even overcome the negative influence they receive from the media and society?

The funny thing is, I was really shocked to hear these young women say they look in the mirror and think they're ugly. For a minute, I actually thought they were joking. Let me say they are SO wrong in that belief. Each and every one of those young women are SO beautiful. Truly.

 Is it there faces? Their hair or eyes? Their clothes or shoes? Their smiles?

For me, this song is the answer. It helps me on days when I'm feeling down. It helps me everyday to remember what is most important and what I should be doing with my time here on earth.

It's appropriately titled, 

"Beautiful" 

from Cherie Call 

(she is one of my absolute favorite singers ever -- I love her lyrics.)

Look at all the signs, Look at all the shows

All the glamorous people who claim to know

What perfection is and what makes beauty stay

But when all the styles go out and the labels fade away

It's what you give that makes you beautiful

It's how you live that makes your dreams come true

Keep your faith in this world,

And let the light of the Lord shine through

That's what makes you beautiful

Nothing burns as bright, nothing shimmers so

As the smile of a friend when hope is running low

And how your hand feels warm when you dry a tear

Love is still in fashion at the end of every year

It's what you give that makes you beautiful

It's how you live that makes your dreams come true

Keep your faith in this world,

And let the light of the Lord shine through

That's what makes you beautiful

Even roses fade away in the snow

But the beauty in your heart can always grow

It's what you give that makes you beautiful

It's how you live that makes your dreams come true

Keep your faith in this world,

And let the light of the Lord shine through

That's what makes you beautiful.

I was so thankful that each of those young women went on to say that Heavenly Father has helped them overcome these feelings of inadequacy. The Personal Progress program has helped them to feel like they are "more than just a pretty face" and what they do has value and meaning.

Another one of my favorite scriptures:

1 Samuel 16:7

"But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart."

I heard this years ago (supposedly it's from Audrey Hepburn):

For attractive lips,
Speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes,
Seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure,
Share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair,
Let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise,
Walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things,
Have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed,
And redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
You will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands;
One for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

P.S. I found THE best quote to go with this post! It's from Elaine Dalton, 

"We are royal daughters of God and our value is not based on sensual appeal."

Two Conversions

How's your Tuesday? I'm pretty good, I guess. I have to speak in church on Sunday and that always makes me SO nervous. It's a good thing for this quilt I'm working on -- all of my nervous energy goes into making it, rather than preparing my talk. Why am I like that?

Anyway, the quilt is coming along nicely. I'm truly amazed. I forgot to mention that I'm converting a lap size quilt pattern into a queen-ish size quilt. It's been a bit of a challenge, but I found this great website that helped me with the measurements and such:

http://www.generations-quilt-patterns.com/standard-quilt-sizes.html

Here's the quilt as of Saturday (this is without the flower appliques and trim). I'm so excited! It's very satisfying for me to see a project come together and to look at it and say, "I made that." Tawnya, I hope you LOVE it!

Okay, back to my talk. The topic I was given is "The Parables of the Sower and the Wheat and Tares". I've been a bit overwhelmed by it. I've been studying the last few days and really thinking about what these parables mean. Zeke mentioned how interesting it is that the Lord allows the "wheat" and the "tares" to grow up together. Why? He said we need each other. I think he's right. I also think at any given time we can change our hearts for good or bad. 

We decide if we will be the "wheat" or if we will be one of the "tares". I also think it is our duty to seek out the "tares", to love them and help them, regardless of their beliefs or standing in the Church. I was once a "tare" -- a full-on, nasty WEED! I'm trying to be more like a "wheat" these days, but only because dear friends of mine took me by the hand long ago and loved me and helped me want to change.

Of course we think, "Oh, I will be the wheat. I will be faithful and good. I'm on the Lord's side". But how many times do we find ourselves justifying our poor behavior? Or not standing up for something we know is right? (I'm saying this, because I'm guilty of those things sometimes).

I love this quote:

 The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.  ~Edmund Burke

I found a great talk from Elder Richard G. Scott called, "Full Conversion Brings Happiness"

I'm sharing this with you, because when I read this part, especially the personal questions he poses to us, I literally felt sick to my stomach and my mouth went dry. I'm not sure if I'm truly and fully converted... I hope so, but now I wonder.

“The sower soweth the word. [Some sown] by the way side, … but when they have heard, Satan cometh immediately, and taketh away the word that was sown in their hearts.”

Could that happen to you, in the wrong environment, with the wrong friendships?

“[Some] on stony ground; who, when they have heard the word, immediately receive it with gladness; And have no root in themselves, and so endure but for a time: afterward, when … persecution ariseth … immediately they are offended.”

Have you ever been in a circumstance when someone proposed something inappropriate and you did nothing to resist it?

“[Some] sown among thorns; such as hear the word, And the cares of this world … and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the word, and it becometh unfruitful.”

Have there been times when you wanted something so badly that you justified an exception to your standards?

“[Some] sown on good ground; such as hear the word, and receive it, and bring forth fruit, some thirtyfold, some sixty, and some an hundred.” ⁸

It's always very ironic to me when I discover the topic I've been given to speak on is the exact thing I need to work on. It's even harder to realize I've been thinking I was more like a "wheat" and that I've been truly converted, but while preparing this talk, it's become painfully apparent that I have a lot of work to do. Such is the blessing of being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints -- we are constantly reminded to be better. Serving in the Church is good for me, because I'm always asked to step outside my comfort zone and to stretch and grow. 

I hope by Thursday I can post a picture of the finished quilt AND have my talk ready at least by Saturday...

Balance, Exactness, Focus

Christmas Magic

I was so excited during the weeks leading up to Christmas: decorating our little apartment, wrapping presents, baking goodies, reading Christmas stories each night, watching our favorite Christmas movies... I love it all.

The kids got out of school a few days before Christmas and I couldn't be happier. This year has been really crazy. Driving 4 kids to 4 different schools each morning has been insane... I can't seem to get anything accomplished, so I was really looking forward to the break. Just to chill and not drive everywhere all day and tell my kids a thousand times, "Time to get up, let's go, get in the car, we're going to be late, do your homework, go to bed!"

We live in the center of town where it's considered "walking distance" to all of the schools, so there are no buses to pick up my two older kids. Just to catch you up -- we sold our house and moved into an apartment the end of June. 1000 square feet, 6 people, 3 cats, yeah. But it's a actually good thing. We're building a house and it's supposed to be finished by March 1st, so I can almost see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, this is our first move in 9 years. I was really comfortable where we were. I knew everyone in our neighborhood and ward (church group). It was home. Exciting as the thought of building a new house may be, it has been quite an adjustment for all of us. We've been attending our new ward since we moved.

The new ward is nice enough, but it's new. I've really tried to get to know people and yet, I look around and I feel like I hardly know anyone.  We went to church the Sunday before Christmas and I was just feeling so sad. Walking into sacrament meeting, I felt like a total stranger. We sat down and saw so many people -- most of whom we didn't know, families that came to visit other ward members -- I had no idea who was who for that matter.

Anyway, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself... feeling sad that we moved... missing our old ward and neighborhood and friends... feeling very alone and hoping our Christmas break would be happy and relaxing. I've decided that moving is sort of like losing someone you love. Things will never be the same. You see or hear something that reminds you of your lost loved one or your old neighborhood and a flood of memories come back. It can be so overwhelming you feel like you will burst and no one really truly understands how you feel. No matter how wonderful your life is now, there's still something missing. Something that can never be replaced. It's a new "normal".

Sunday was bittersweet. New friends and cheerful smiles, a beautiful Christmas program -- but those familiar faces I've known for so long, those knowing smiles I'd come to rely on, the Christmas programs our ward did, the inside jokes, the special connections, and touching stories that bound us together for 9 years -- it just wasn't the same. That Sunday I couldn't figure out for the life of me why I chose to walk away from all of that. Familiar. Comfortable. Easy. My heart ached to go back, but really, there's no going back. Ever. It will never be the same. I look in the windows of our old home and see warm lights and happy smiles... but it's a new family. That life is gone.

I sound crazy. I know! We chose to leave. We felt like it was time to move on and bring our family closer together for many different reasons. We're so excited about our new house. REALLY. This year, however, I've truly realized it doesn't matter where you live. It matters what's inside you and what you do together as a family WHEREVER you live.

So after sacrament, I had agreed to substitute in nursery with the 3 year olds. I have to admit, I wasn't really looking forward to it. Since moving, I've been asked to sub in Primary (children's classes) a lot. It feels like every Sunday I'm there I'm substituting. I know I could say no, but that's just not me. I know they need help. Anyway, I feel like I haven't gotten to meet very many ladies in our ward because I never get to go to Relief Society. Blah blah blah, whine whine whine, I know. Nine years is a long time. I got really comfortable in our old ward. I knew everyone and everyone knew me. It's just going to take some time.

Nursery ended up being wonderful. The other lady helping in the nursery was so nice and friendly -- it means a lot. The children were adorable. We got to take them into Primary with the older kids for awhile to help them adjust since they would no longer be in nursery starting in January. They were so nervous. They didn't even know me and they held my hand so tight. A few of them had tears in their eyes and told me they wanted to go back to the nursery.

Everyone in the Primary was so excited to have the little nursery kids there. They were so friendly and they had fun songs and games for them -- but the nursery kids were afraid. They wanted something familiar and comfortable and easy. I knew just how they felt! My heart filled with love for these sweet little children. The rest of my Sunday was filled with serving and giving and understanding -- I wasn't feeling sorry for myself anymore. Substituting in nursery that day had been a gift just for me. A tender mercy from a kind and loving Heavenly Father. I loved nursery so much I offered to substitute the following Sunday! :)

Christmas was absolutely magical for me this year. I woke up on Christmas Eve feeling kind of depressed and stressed and blah. Not really sure why -- just a lot going on. I was wishing we could be with family -- we visited our parents for Thanksgiving and decided we would stay home for Christmas. It was snowing like crazy -- I was bummed thinking about our house that is waiting to be shingled and how many more weeks the storm will set us back. I was stressed -- Zeke and I were trying to deal with various issues with our children and it's just very emotionally draining and hard not to wallow in it sometimes. I was tired -- I remember curling up with the family to watch "Elf" around noon and I fell asleep for a bit. I hardly ever sleep in the middle of the day. Not sounding very magical, is it?

Okay, as a family, we like to pick someone to do the "12 days of Christmas" for each year. If I remember, I'll do a blog post about what we actually do -- it's very inexpensive and really fun. Anyway, the person we chose was someone we didn't know very well --  a man who lives by our apartment. He lives alone and well, all six of us wanted him to be the one for various reasons. So that was definitely a great experience -- anonymously leaving treats and gifts on his doorstep each night for eleven nights. We hoped it would bring him some Christmas cheer.

Christmas Eve was the last day. On this day, we all go as a family and introduce ourselves and give the final treat. I was still feeling blah and it was still snowing. We bundled up around 3pm and trudged over to his apartment. He was SO thrilled to finally learn who had been leaving all of the treats. We had met him previously this fall so it was fun to chat and get to know him better. It was then I noticed a little bit of happy creep into my heart, a little less blah -- I was thinking about someone else besides myself.

Directly in front of his apartment is a narrow alleyway on a fairly steep hill. By this time, the snow was at least 6 inches deep and there were no snow plows in sight on Christmas Eve. We ran back over to our apartment, bundled up a little more, grabbed our sleds, and raced back to the alley. It was awesome!    The alley was great: not too fast, not too bumpy, and all to ourselves. It was then I realized I was smiling and laughing AND that I had been for quite awhile.

The man we had just visited came outside and visited some more while we sledded and watched the kids.  He told us more about him --  both his parents had passed away, he was divorced twice, and his kids were grown and married and really didn't visit him much. It's almost as hard for me to type that sentence as it was for me to hear him say it. I can still see his face and the ache I felt in my heart. I wish I could tell you more about him, but I don't want to get too personal.

We had a really good visit and I just knew we needed to invite him over for Christmas Day to eat dinner with us. I looked at Zeke and I knew he was thinking the same thing. So we did. He said he might come. He was invited to his brother's house a couple hours away, but with the storm he wasn't sure if he wanted to travel that far. We encouraged him to come over and hang out with us.

We came in from sledding way past dark and I seriously felt like a little kid again. I can't remember the last time I've felt quite that way. It was truly magical! What a simple thing -- taking treats to a neighbor and spontaneously going sledding on an empty street. Later, we opened our traditional Christmas Eve present (or two or three -- thanks Grandmas and Grandpas!) The kids were excited about their presents, but they kept mentioning how much fun it had been to go sledding and how excited they were to have our new friend over for dinner the next day.

We read the account of the Savior's birth from the Bible and somehow got the kids in bed (notice I didn't say ASLEEP). Christmas morning came bright and early as Beck woke up at 5am wanting to know "did he come? did Santa come?" I think we got everyone up and ready to go around 6am. We opened presents and it was crazy. (I'll save that story for another day.) Anyway... it was mostly good.

After breakfast, I started fixing our Christmas Dinner. We planned to eat at 3pm and there was lots to do. Everyone pitched in and at 2:55, the table was set and ready, so I went to the bathroom to freshen up a bit before dinner. While I was in the bathroom I heard the doorbell ring. A wave of butterflies surged through my stomach -- he's here! I wasn't sure if he would really come. I was nervous, but excited.

We had a great dinner. He was so grateful and kind. He was really interesting to talk to and the conversation just seemed to flow. He kept complimenting our children on their good manners (what the? yeah, it was a truly magical day in many ways). He stayed for a few hours and I felt like it was one of THE best Christmases I've ever had. We talked a lot about our beliefs and membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He is also a member of our Church.

My heart ached for all that he has been through and all that he is going through. Suddenly, my "trials" and "troubles" seemed so incredibly trivial and even foolish and shameful. I tried to empathize with him, but I found myself flailing over every word I'd try to say. He was so happy just to have someone to spend Christmas with and I felt ashamed for feeling so crowded and overwhelmed with my little family sometimes. He has so many health problems and I felt so grateful to realize how healthy we really are and what a blessing that is.

Without any fancy presents, parties, or plans, and basically a "stranger" at our table, I felt closer to the Savior this Christmas than any other Christmas I can recall. I felt His love for me and my sweet little family. I felt His love for this kind man. I felt JOY. I don't know how to describe it, but joy is different from happiness. It is more than happy. It floods your entire mind and body with peace and fulfillment and hope and love. It's the true Spirit of Christmas.

This feeling set the mood for our family. Again, this is not like other Christmases. We're usually all sick and fighting most of the time. We have been SO blessed for Zeke to have two weeks vacation from work. It's been so cold and it has snowed so much, we haven't really gone anywhere. Quite simply, we have spent time together. The clock has literally come to a stop and it has been the most wonderful Christmas, here in this tiny apartment.

Just being together. No plans, no running around, no expectations, no fevers, no doctor visits, no alarm clocks, no homework, no schedules: just playing, cooking, eating, watching movies, building with Legos, taking pictures, laughing, playing video games and board games, singing, dancing, thinking, talking, reading, napping, cuddling, living, being. There is no price tag on the gifts I have received.

I'll Repent...

Hey bloggers, these are the words I promised my dear friends this morning "I'll repent!!" I haven't been reading or writing any blogs lately. Not one. I honestly don't know where the time goes.

It's interesting to me how much I've noticed the balance of things in life lately. Lots of trials, but LOTS of blessings.

My heart is ACHING for those families in Connecticut affected by or involved in that terrible shooting... I simply cannot imagine. It has been a rough week sending my kids to school. A few more hugs and kisses here and there, extra "I love you's" -- I feel ashamed to think what it took to remind me how precious each of my children are to me. I hold them just a little longer than I used to and I find myself trying to reassure them, almost pleading with them, "Do you know how much I love you? I hope you do!"

Things I love:

1. My husband -- he is so loving and supportive of me in all my quirky glory. People say building a home can destroy your marriage -- I feel like it has brought us closer in many ways, although we do like much of the same things so picking out colors and things to go in and on the house has been really fun!

2. My friends -- ditto to the above, I only wish I could see them more. You wonderful women keep me afloat when all the other things in life seem to get me down sometimes.

3. My kids -- they're pretty darn patient with me and they're all in these really fun phases right now: 14, 12, 8, and 4. I'm not saying they're fun 100% of the time -- I'm just saying they CAN be. They love me and I love to see all the ways they show me.

4. My Mom -- she is just plain AWESOME in every way. Again, I wish I could see her MORE.

5. All of my family -- we went to visit my family and Zeke's family during Thanksgiving and it was truly one of THE best trips ever. I love them all and I'm grateful to have them in my life.

5. The Gospel of Jesus Christ -- my greatest source of peace and direction. I really appreciate our new ward. It truly is where we're supposed to be.

6. My cats -- seriously, they are so much a part of our family. They are great company and so fun! People have told me they prefer dogs because cats aren't affectionate or happy to see you. I wonder if these people have actually had a cat in their home? I'm amazed at how loving they are and how they just seem to know when one of us is sad or sick. I'm grateful our kids can have these beautiful animals in our home. I know they are a great source of comfort to them and they teach them to be more gentle and kind. By the way, have you ever played with a cat and a laser pointer? Seriously, you should.

7. This crazy roller coaster ride called "building a house". Did I tell you our apartment is 1000 square feet? Did I tell you we've been living here for almost 6 months? Yeah. It's a bit crazy, but every time I go out to our new house and see the progress I tell myself "I can do this -- not much longer -- it's going to be worth it." This has been a miracle for our family and I feel so blessed. Am I crazy to admit I've been drawing little shapes of all of our furniture to scale on the floor plans already? :)

Merry Christmas!

Remembering

Today is a good day even though I'm tired. My lovely black she-cat, Nora, somehow evaded the bedtime "putting out in the garage routine" and I woke to the sound of her meowing in my face FOUR times last night! Every time I would get up to let her out, she'd run away somewhere in the house and I was too tired to look for her. Blah.

Wow, I just thought of that definition of insanity quote again from Albert Einstein. It's incredible to me how much that quote applies in my life. If I would think about it and change how I'm doing something I know my life would be very different. (As in, I could have gotten more sleep last night!)

In case you've never heard this fabulous quote, here it is:

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result."

It is SO profound to me. Amazingly simple, but miraculously effective. 

Last night, for example, I could have taken the time to find Nora once and put her out... done. Instead, I half-heartedly chased her from the bedroom, looked in the kitchen a bit and mumbled all the way back to my bed, only to do it all over again three more times during the night. Oh dear. Don't you feel like a different person when you're tired? I do.

Anyway, last night our family went to the Brigham City Temple open house. The temple is GORGEOUS. If you haven't been, there's a peach blossom motif throughout. Brigham City is famous for its peaches. Peach blossoms on the doorknobs, light fixtures, molding, and stained glass. Beautiful.

It was fun to see a few friends there (Heidi and Brandy)! We were hoping to meet another friend there -- thanks for the invite, Matt and Steph! But we had the opportunity to go with some other friends of ours and we had a really great time -- thanks, Karthik and Amrita!:)

My older two children weren't too thrilled about going and my younger two couldn't wait to get there -- not a good combination. Anyway, I'm glad we went. It was lovely. We went, right? I loved seeing all of the people there -- lots of children, old people, young people, black people, white people, and everything in between. But, I didn't even get any pictures :( Sheesh!

Afterwards, we went out for Chinese food with Karthik and Amrita. Do you love reading about the Chinese Zodiac? I do. Turns out, Amrita and I are both rabbits AND born in March. I thought that was cool. She's fun and very easy to be with and sarcastic and loves cookies -- my kind of girl! Karthik and Zeke work together. That is how we met. My kids think they are both very cool. That is a big thing!

I love people. I love getting to know people better. I love laughing. I love second chances. I love understanding and relating to people. I love being happy and looking for the good in life. 

Today is September 11th... I just keep thinking about it. I feel rather pensive today. Kind of somber and reflective. 

One of my friends, Brickell, said on Facebook this morning, "Isn't it amazing how you can remember exactly where you were, what you were doing and who you were with 11 years ago today. So sad:("

Another friend, Dave, said: "Eleven years ago today, we all built memories that we

 would rather not have, but will never forget."

It's hard for me to grasp that it has really been eleven years since that terrible day. I remember it so vividly. We had just moved back to Logan from Colorado a few weeks earlier. Gabe was starting preschool and Zoe was a baby. Zeke and I were getting Gabe ready for school and for some reason we had the news on. I remember watching the breaking news of some "random" accident. A plane had crashed into the North tower of the World Trade Center. It was an awful tragic "accident". As we sat there and watched the live news feed from the television reporter, a second plane suddenly came into view and instantly crashed into the south tower....

At that moment, our world changed forever. At that moment, I cried out to Zeke, just as we both came to the same horrifying conclusion, "This was NO accident!" I remember being SO afraid. Wanting to call my family, run and hide and never come out of my house again. I remember clinging tightly to Zoe and grabbing Gabe and just holding them. Wondering what kind of world I had brought my children into. Will there be a future for them? Crying and crying and not wanting Zeke to leave my sight. I remember thinking for awhile that day, "This is it. This could be the end of the world." Seriously. It was the end of the world as we knew it. 

As the events of that day unfolded, the attack on the Pentagon and the brave passengers of the ill-fated Flight 93, I was truly in shock. So many haunting images and unbelievable stories. I remember needing to go the post office for some reason and there was a huge line there. Everyone was pale-looking, huddled in small groups, talking quietly about the awful events of the day. Everyone knew. Everyone was affected. I remember getting a notice with my receipt. Something about the US postal service is unable to guarantee delivery at this time because of the terrorist attacks earlier that morning. I still have that paper somewhere. That paper spelled it out clearly to me. 

It really happened. It wasn't some horrible nightmare. It was REAL. All of those poor innocent people that died and those that gave their lives trying to help others were REAL. They had families and friends, futures, hopes, and dreams. I just cannot seem to wrap my head around it still. 

Somehow, being at the temple last night gave me peace as I thought of the anniversary today. Eternal lives. Eternal families. This life is but a small moment compared to eternity. 

I remember shortly after 9/11 someone speaking about the fallen firefighters, police officers, and others and referencing John 15:13, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

I hope that all of us can remember that day and try to be a better person. More loving, more forgiving, more patient, more friendly, more compassionate, more willing to help others, and more thoughtful. 

All I've got is a photograph...

Okay, so you know the thing I was stressing about last week (#6 to be exact)... well, I survived and it was actually a really great experience. I've been trying to write about it all week and aside from all sorts of craziness around here, it's been hard to put my thoughts down "on paper" so to speak. Just FYI, before you waste 10 minutes reading this post: there are a LOT of links and I LOVE Def Leppard. Okay, you've been warned...

This is my sister, Brenda. She passed away in 2005 from cancer.
(more about her)

Anyway, Zeke and I went to a Def Leppard concert last week with some awesome friends... I still can't quite formulate the words I want to say... I've jotted down several notes to compile later and I think I'm just going to post it how it is and add some "..." like I always do.

It brought back SO many memories. Good and Bad. I think so much of my sister. She took me to a Def Leppard concert when I was 13 (or 14?). The things we said, the things we did -- things we never got to do, things I wish I had said and done. Life will never be the same for anyone who knew her. My life is a new "normal". I can't believe it's been six years... some days it feels like forever and some days (when I was at the concert) it seems like only yesterday.

It was a 3 hour ride into my past... all the feelings were still there under the surface, just like I feared. For a moment, it was like she had died all over again. I will never forget where I was and what I was doing when I received that phone call...

The old songs from the "Pyromania" album, were SO painful and yet, brought back SO many wonderful memories at the same time. Especially, "Foolin", "Bringin' on the Heartbreak", and "Photograph". I can just remember Brenda dancing and singing, "F-F-F-foolin', ah F-F-foolin', F-F-F-foolin', ah F-F-foolin'!" Wow, just like it was yesterday... she was so cute.

Ever since I was old enough to pay attention to music... I knew that my big sister liked rock and roll and she LOVED Def Leppard. "Pyromania" came out in 1983, I was eight years old. To me, Def Leppard WAS Brenda and Brenda was Def Leppard. I know that sounds silly, but I associate so many memories and people with music.

So to go back to Def Leppard without her... the guilt was killing me. I felt like I was betraying her, forgetting her, moving on. I didn't want to forget or let go. It felt wrong to have fun without her. Not to mention my niece, Angee (her oldest daughter), who went with us back in 1988. I never get to see her anymore, she lives so far away.

Def Leppard started with "Let's Get Rocked" -- it was AMAZING to hear the crowd yell as one, "Get your butt right out of bed! Get up and move your sleepy head! Mow the lawn! Walk the dog! Take out the trash! Tidy your room!" I couldn't help but smile. :)

I loved to watch them, everyone was singing EVERY word in unison and having the time of their life! I saw all the people enjoying themselves, being crazy, careless, wild, happy -- but it bothered me just a bit. During the first song, I became sad and really angry and I wanted to yell, "How can all of you celebrate and enjoy this? Don't you know that someone is missing? Someone that should be HERE! Someone who won't go home to their children tonight. Someone who loved me probably more than I loved her. Someone who fought with all she had for 4 years to beat cancer and she lost." I know it seems crazy, but it just wasn't fair. I felt sad that I couldn't feel the joy and reckless abandon like everyone around me seemed to be enjoying. Life was weighing me down, guilt and sadness were overwhelming me....

Those early songs from Pyromania just killed me, but at the same time they were AWESOME. The second song was "Bringin' on the Heartbreak". When they started singing, "Gypsy, sittin' lookin' pretty, the broken rose with laughin' eyes, you're a mystery, always runnin' wild, like a child..." I just completely broke down. That's about when Zeke said, "Honey, turn around, so she can take our picture." I said "NO!" And then I looked up at Zeke and realized he was having a blast just like everyone else, so I turned around and smiled. After all, it was pretty dang AWESOME! I just felt so sad.
They really put on a good show. The whole atmosphere and feeling of the concert was just so happy and celebratory. I enjoyed watching people enjoying themselves and singing out loud as I sang EVERY word in my head and wished I could just let go.... I was SO jealous of those people... they looked as if they didn't have a care in the world.

They also played "Rock On" a song I know (an old song from David Essex, re-done by Michael Damian for the movie "Dream a little Dream" with Corey Haim -- wow, that brings back some memories too!) and for a moment I was okay, kind of like a nice pallet cleanser? It wasn't Def Leppard, it wasn't Brenda, just an awesome concert. I realized the Def Leppard songs are just so tied to her memory. When I spoke at her funeral, I actually talked about Def Leppard and how much they remind me of her.... yeah, I'm sure her Bishop thought I was NUTS. I was that day. Maybe I still am. For the record, Def Leppard sang it better!

Or maybe I just don't know how to let go and forget for a moment... but since Brenda died, I usually only let myself listen to Def Leppard in small doses, a song or two on the radio here and there. Any more than that is just too painful, but to go to their concert and here them play live for almost 2 hours, I think 12 or 13 songs... it was an absolute emotional overload... a FLOOD of emotions. I was completely drowned in memories. I loved it and I hated it. I couldn't wait to go home, but at the very same time, I never wanted it to end. It was almost like nothing had changed.

Then, they sang "Photograph"... oh man, I thought I would burst.

Some Def Leppard trivia for a minute: Steve Clark was the original co-lead guitarist. He died in 1991, of a combination alcohol/prescription drug overdose. It happens to the best of them. Anyway, on the stage behind the band were some huge television screen things and during "Photograph" they showed a really cool slide show of the band all through the years. At the first, they showed many pictures of Steve Clark... they remembered him, they haven't forgotten, BUT they've also MOVED on and found joy NOW. They celebrated his life and the time they had with him. I wondered if some songs bring back painful memories for the band.

I felt like that song was their tribute to Brenda. I know it's crazy, they have no idea who she is or how incredibly awesome her laugh was and how cute her dimples were and how brave she was when she was so sick. Somehow it helped me to come full circle, right there during the concert and heal a little more, I guess. It was so amazing. Zeke kept saying she would want me to enjoy it and I was, really guys, in my own way. It was wonderful!

I'm just so thankful to know that someday Brenda will be resurrected and I can see her again. Well and whole. I'm thankful for my family, my husband, my friends, my health, for surviving my cancer scare, for my kids, for my neighbors who helped me, for you tube, for good fun music. Really! They rocked and they were having SO much fun up there, it's really fun to see people enjoy what they're doing. I forgot to mention that Heart opened for them. They ROCK! It was so fun... ooh, "Barracuda"!:)

It was also good for me to realize I have OTHER memories associated with Def Leppard... "Hysteria" (LOVE this one!!) and "Love Bites". They played both of them (Thank you very much!) Those remind me of Zeke all the way...

They ended with "Rock of Ages"and the drummer Rick Allen, started with the classic, "Gunter, glieben, glauchen, globen". Go ahead and look that up on Wikipedia! It's a great story, thanks for telling me, Sharon. I couldn't help but laugh right out loud and smile and just feel like I was part of the coolest club ever. It was just awesome!

The concert was truly AMAZING. They are still SO talented. Also, for the record, I also have INCREDIBLE, WONDERFUL, AWESOME friends and my hubby, I LOVE YOU GUYS.

I will never forget Brenda. Right now, "All I've got is a photograph" and memories. But MY life is now and I need to enjoy it more. Life goes on whether we want it to or not. It's okay. "Sorry Dad gotta disappear, let's get the ROCK outta here!"

The Real Deal

I woke up in a funk the other morning. Around 4am I had a nightmare about my Dad... I just couldn't seem to shake it all day long.

Things got to me all day, that feeling again like I don't fit in, I'm a terrible mother, a terrible person, a failure.
Life is too hard, things are too sad and scary and HARD.

Did I mention that life is hard?

Stressed, anxious, depressed, scared.

I just wanted to be home with my kids.

I came home and read some scriptures, helped fix some of the girl's Polly Pocket dresses (no small task), helped Beck make a track for his car, moved all the pictures around on my wall and added some more, made dinner, just going through the motions really. I just felt sad and lost today.

Zeke came home tired and stressed too. We couldn't wait to get the kids to bed. I came downstairs to find Zoe starting the movie, "The Other Side of Heaven". I love this movie. I love the Tongan people (and I love Anne Hathaway). Most of all, I love the message. I felt the Spirit so strongly.
My heart needed it.

I couldn't find the exact quote, but I love the part after the storm and they all make it to shore and one of them says sometimes the Lord calms the storm and sometimes He calms the sailor. I've heard that many times before, but then Elder Groberg says, "and sometimes He just lets us swim." Isn't it true? I know that God loves us and helps us, but sometimes I think we have to work things out ourselves so we can learn and grow and exercise our faith.

My favorite quote that brought me peace, "There is a connection between heaven and earth. Finding that connection gives meaning to everything, including death. Losing that connection makes everything lose meaning, including life."

I am convinced the only thing in this world that brings any peace to my troubled heart is The Gospel of Jesus Christ. I feel better because of the truths I was reminded of that give me hope for a better day and faith in an eternal family. It's the real deal!

I invite all of you, especially those members of my family who don't have this peace in their lives, to come unto Christ. ALL of you.
Pray to know if this Gospel is true.
I know that I haven't been the best example every moment of my life, but I know this church is true and I am forever grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ that makes it possible for me and for everyone to repent of their mistakes and try to become a better person each day. A change of heart. We have the opportunity to be Eternal Families and live again with our Father in Heaven in peace and love because of His Son.
"I tremble to know that for me He was crucified.
That for me, a sinner, He suffered, He bled, and died..."
("I Stand All Amazed", Hymns #193)

"Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end"

Be Still My Soul, Hymns #124

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy Heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

I heard this hymn this morning as I was getting ready for church. The words are so powerful and comforting. God is real. He lives. He knows us and loves all of us. We are His children. I am so thankful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and for this beautiful hymn. It has spoken to my heart this weekend and given me peace where I didn't think I could find any. Miracles have come to pass. I know that God hears and answers our prayers. Thank you and I hope you know who you are.

I wanted to re-post a beautiful quote from Mother Teresa. It helps me keep going in spite of opposition. I hope we can all see the good in others.

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.

Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.
Give the best you have and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway."
— Mother Teresa

Ramblings, a good book, and a great scripture

Gabe and me at Zeke's graduation...
I love this guy, we have a lot of fun together.

It's been a busy week, but a good one. I am SO relieved to have Zeke's party over with. It was fun, but a lot of work and unnecessary stress.

On Tuesday, I went to a great Relief Society Activity about Family Home Evening. I actually learned a few new things that I want to try... I'll share them with you later.

On Wednesday, my wonderful visiting teachers came over to see me. I love these women. They are my friends.

On Thursday, our new home teacher and his wife came over and we really enjoyed getting to know them better.

Heavenly Father knew I needed a spiritual boost this week.:)

On Thursday, I helped at my friend, Julie's, preschool. It was a long day, but I really enjoyed it. We went to Willow Park for a field trip (twist my arm) -- it just happens to be one of my favorite places ever.

So far, I'm really enjoying "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett, it's one of those books that I'm thinking about all day long and I carry with me from room to room just to get a few pages in here and there. It's going to be one that I will never forget... and if I do, I'll just have to read it again!

Zeke bought ME a graduation present Tuesday night... a cell phone. Not sure what to think about it... you see, dear friends, I am a guilt-monger. I thrive on guilt. The last 3 years have been really tight financially and well, I've gotten along just fine without a phone. Zeke wanted to get one for himself when he graduated, but his work got one for him... so he wanted to get one for me! We'll see... so many buttons... so many apps, so many things I don't even know or care about. (yet) Thanks, sweetie! He just said, "I know you'll love it and I want you to have it!" Yes, I think I've said this a million times, but he is a keeper for sure!

Beck is at this very moment having a HUGE fit and saying it's "My turn on da compooter!!!!!" HELP! If you ever wonder why my blog posts feel choppy and don't make sense, it's because I have a three year old climbing all over me and yelling in my ear. Persistent doesn't even begin to describe this boy.

Just this morning I was getting ready and I had my flat iron plugged in. I have told Beck since he was crawling NOT to touch my flat iron. "It's very hot, Beck, it will burn you; ouch!" He kept grabbing at it, teasing me while I was putting my mascara on... "Beck, it will hurt you, please do not touch it!" Next thing I know, Beck jerks his arm back screaming... out of the corner of my eye I saw him grinning and he reached over to touch it on purpose. Wow. I wonder if Heavenly Father watches us make dumb choices like that and all he can do is shake his head and think, "I told you so!" I love that boy and I hope he can learn to mind, even just a little bit for his own safety. I am so thankful that he's okay. ( "... it's just a flesh wound")

Here's a great scripture I found this week; it has really helped me to process and deal with events and relationships in my life.

2 Timothy 3:1-12: "This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.
For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, un-thankful, unholy,

Without natural affection, truce-breakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, high-minded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;

Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.

For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with diverse lusts,

Ever learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.
Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith.
But they shall proceed no further: for their folly shall be manifest unto all men, as theirs also was.

But thou hast fully known my doctrine, manner of life, purpose, faith, longsuffering, charity, patience,

Persecutions, afflictions, which came unto me at Antioch, at Iconium, at Lystra; what persecutions I endured: but out of them all the Lord delivered me.
Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution."

I am so thankful for the scriptures. I know it isn't easy, but I know that trying to live the Gospel will bless our lives and it is the right thing to do.

I am so thankful for my husband. He is my best friend and I know that he will always stand by me and support me in whatever comes our way.

Back in the saddle again!

Hello there! My awesome husband got our computer running much faster last night. Thank goodness. I couldn't even bring up a link from another page or more than one tab! Wow, that is so pitiful. But I was so bummed yesterday morning I didn't even want to touch the computer ever again. I'm so dramatic.

Computer is back! :)

Kids are back in school! :)

Yesterday was nice. I love routines and structure. I love to have a break from my kids. I know that may sound mean, but I'm just being honest. I think it's good. They come home and hug me and tell me they missed me too. We are refueled from our time away and now we can enjoy each other again. Just Beck and me at the grocery store... better than all four children, but if I had to choose one to shop with it wouldn't be Beck. :) He's three. Yeah.

I love my kids, but we are a crew!

Yesterday was my sweet little Kaia's 7th birthday. I'll post some pictures later. She is such a great blessing to our family.

Had a great Saturday with Zeke's family.

I bore my testimony on Sunday and I always make such a fool of myself, but I just really felt like I needed to. We are so blessed. I am amazed at things I've been able to do with the help of the Spirit guiding me (and usually telling me to bite my tongue!)

Do you ever get the feeling that people think you're a complete idiot? Maybe you don't, but I am convinced that a few people feel that way about me and they're not very good at hiding it anymore. Oh well, I probably am. But to quote John Dryden, "There is a pleasure in being mad which none but madmen know."

ahhh... my fingers are happy to be typing again.

oh, Beck has to go to the dentist today :( no bueno...

Happy Sunday!

My blog friend, Hilary, posted this and I enjoyed it so much I wanted to share it with you :) I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I love the Spirit of hope it brings to our lives. And I love the youth of our Church.