When a negative is SO positive

Okay people, my blog is my venting place... it's your choice to read it - or not.

Today I am stressing out big time! I have been stressing every time I look at the calendar and see January 7th looming closer. Much to the chagrin of my husband, I played tetris for over an hour last night trying to get my mind off of today.

Today is my bi-annual visit to my OB-GYN for the dreaded check up. I know most people only go once a year, but I have been going every 6 months for the last 4 years. And in 2006, I went every 3 months. Sounds fun, huh? Nope not one bit.

I really need to go shower or I'm going to be late...

This is my sister, Brenda (during chemotherapy):

She battled stage 4 cervical cancer for 4 years. It metastasized and she passed away in February 2005. She was 46 years old. She was a great sister. She took me to a Def Leppard concert when I was 14. She helped my Mom calm down when I told her I was engaged to Zeke. She was a fighter. She left behind 6 children. Her youngest was only 5 years old when she died. I think of her everyday, but especially on the days I have to go for a check up. She had THE best laugh ever.

In October 2005, I went in for my regular check up and found out I also had the beginnings of cervical cancer "stage 1 dysplasia" (precancerous cells on the cervix). So for the next year and a half, I had to get checked every 3 months and have cryosurgery (think liquid nitrogen). My tests kept coming back positive for cancer cells. I cannot express how scary that is! Especially after seeing what my sweet sister went through.

By 2007, things were looking a bit better for me. I was able to graduate to 6 month check-ups. So here I am. I try to joke with myself and say I'm going in today and see if I can get an extension on my lease -- on life.

I read a book awhile ago about a family with a history of ovarian cancer. It's called "What We Have". It's a really great story, just be aware it has a few "F-bombs" in it. The author talks about living from fear to fear. Waiting and wondering. Hoping for more time. Going to every check up and wondering if today would be the day they tell you the cancer has spread. Or it's terminal and there's nothing more they can do for you. I feel like that author somehow climbed inside my brain and wrote down my personal feelings. That is EXACTLY what it's like.

But I have been blessed! So far, my last 3 check ups have come back NEGATIVE. I'm really hoping for a NEGATIVE today. It would be SO positive. I feel very selfish when I say that I'm not ready to go anywhere yet! I feel even more guilty when I'm stressed out with my children and I just want a break... and then I think of my sister and her children. I should just be grateful everyday.

Now, I don't want sympathy, I'm really okay. It just feels good to write it down. It might be why I'm so serious about things sometimes. I really want to do what is right. I never know how much time I have to prepare. If you ever see me crying during sacrament meeting (certain hymns and things really hit me hard) I am thinking about Brenda and how lucky I am. I find myself praying/bargaining with Heavenly Father, "Please just 6 more months, please let it be negative; if it is, I promise I will do better, I promise I will be better."

"And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." —Ether 12:6

P.S. Thanks to my dear friend, Jessica, for watching Beck. love ya