It's happening...

My kids are growing up...

No more diapers in the house, no playpens, no strollers, no baby monitors...

Gabe is almost 14 and Zoe will be 11 in just 3 weeks...
WHERE has the time gone?

The little dimples on their knuckles are LONG gone...
only Beck's remain and only just.
As I'm hanging up laundry,
I suddenly realize their clothes need "big-people" hangers.

I noticed I don't trim their nails anymore... they've already trimmed them...
when did this happen?

When they feel sad and cry or get hurt, they don't come running into my arms anymore or sit on my lap... I can't just scoop them up in my arms like I used to.

They don't want to go trick or treating with us anymore...

I was feeling sorry for myself on Halloween when Gabe just couldn't eat dinner fast enough so he could go be with his friends and Zoe got all ready with us to go trick-or-treating, only to announce she was planning to go with a friend and her family. Aren't we cool enough anymore?
(Don't answer that! Just let Kaia and Beck keep thinking it for a little while longer, please!)

I feel like I just woke up out of a thick fog and suddenly realized I have four children and they are growing up right before my eyes whether I like it or not.

I have to let them go, let them be, let them choose what they want to do and find out who they are... it's really hard and it makes me sad, but in a way, I'm excited for them too. What a wonderful and fun time of their lives.

I'm scared for them, the world is a crazy place, but I just want them to hold my hand a little longer -- maybe more for me than for them. They are okay. I love them so much and I want so much for them. In this craziness called Motherhood, somewhere along the way in the last almost 14 years, I have given birth to four amazing, beautiful, and not-so-little people.

Suddenly, the diapers and sleepless nights are gone and I'm here with a 13, 10, 7, and 3 year old and they're all about to have a birthday here within 6 months. Wow. I've heard so many other mothers tell me to enjoy it when they're little because the time will go so fast. I always thought those mothers were wrong, I thought they were so nostalgic and sappy and pathetic and lonely even. I couldn't wait for my kids to sleep through the night and be potty-trained and dress themselves and be big enough to do all of these things... and now, it's already here and passing and I think I've missed something along the way. It's so hard when you're in the middle of it. I'm grateful to feel (good and bad) this wake-up call and realize MY time with them is slipping away.

I told my mother on the phone today that I'm just the "chef" or "taxi" or "housekeeper" or "backpack finder" or whatever and sometimes they don't even notice me or what I want or feel. Sometimes my kids unknowingly make me feel like chopped liver! My Mom listened quietly and sighed deeply before she replied, "Yes, sometimes your kids will make you feel like chopped liver and I hate to say it, but sometimes they still do." My sweet little mother who I completely adore... is she sad and lonely and feeling this yuckiest twinge of regret I'm feeling in the pit of my stomach and in the deepest part of my heart? Does she wish she could go back? Have I made her feel like chopped liver? I'm sure! Especially when I was between the ages of 12-18. Let's not go there...Oh man! I was awful. I'm only beginning to realize how truly hard it is to be a Mom.
I just need to enjoy every minute I have with them. I've been praying about it and I need to find something for each child at the specific age and phase they are in right now to enjoy them and make them feel special and let me feel close to them.

Gabe and I like to watch "Mythbusters", Zoe and I like to bake cookies and paint her nails, Kaia and I like to read books and draw pictures, Beck and I like to play with his Legos and Hot Wheels. I'm going to soak it all in and have fun!

I know it is SO hard when your kids are little and your days (and nights) are CRAZY and chaotic and even depressing sometimes. Guess what? I've become that weird old lady like your mother or some old woman in your church that tells you "They grow up so fast, don't waste it, enjoy it!" I'm going to enjoy every minute of it! Grumpy teenagers and preschool tantrums and my little brown-eyed drama queens and everything that goes with it. (famous last words...)

While writing this post, I was listening to "Give it Away" from the Red Hot Chili Peppers and it was quite fitting for how I was feeling:

My Mom I love her cuz she love me
Long gone are the times when she scrub me!

Yes, even Anthony Kiedis was a little boy once and THAT, my friends, is a scary thought!! HA!

Un-crafty, Un"scoped", Undaunt-ed?

I am feeling a bit better today as far as my anxiety and that "sense of impending doom" feeling I was having on Tuesday. I talked to my Mom and my niece, Angee, on the phone and I took a bath. But I still felt anxious all day Tuesday. I went to a Relief Society Craft Night and I just could NOT focus. Just ask my dear neighbor, Lora, we stood around the food table and snacked and talked. ("Don't ask me... I'm just here for the food." hee hee) And she says, "Well, I didn't sign up to make anything, did you?" And I did! Lots of stuff... more than I could possibly complete in 2 hours even if I was focused! I was hoping to make some inexpensive Christmas presents for friends and neighbors (Shhh, it's supposed to be a surprise!) Why in the world do I do stuff like that? Anyway, Lora helped me cut out my felt nativity puppet thingies, is she cool or what!? uh huh! We had fun, but I sure didn't get much accomplished.

Ok, so remember back before Halloween and I was supposed to go to the urologist? Well, I did and it was a surprisingly good visit. (If you want details, I put some in a comment on this post.) Very helpful and informative AND I was able to remain fully clothed. Well...

Yesterday I was supposed to go see the urologist again and have a "bladder scope". Um, I do NOT think those two words should be in the same sentence together. Especially when it's referring to MY bladder! However, I woke up yesterday feeling yucky... like I was getting a cold or something. Who knows? Maybe I was being a chicken baby again... I really didn't feel good, but I was also REALLY freaked out about having this procedure done. (No, they do NOT numb you and YES, I would be awake!) But I rescheduled for the first week in December. Basically the urologist, Dr. Pitcher (like a pitcher of water? hee hee), says I have Interstitial Cystitis. It's very embarrassing, but there it is! It's kind of like an ulcer in your bladder, sort of. He needs to see if the lining of my bladder has any actual holes in it and how bad the lining is breaking down among other things.

Why on Earth would anyone want to be a urologist? Have you ever asked a child, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" And they get all excited and say, "Ooh, I want to be a urologist and look inside people's bladders!" Nope, I've never met a child like that. Oh, I would laugh if one of my children becomes a urologist! I wonder when Dr. Pitcher decided to be a urologist. He's actually really nice. He uses the word 'barbaric" a lot when referring to the pain and discomfort I've been going through. I like people that use dramatic words like that. I feel like he's sympathizing with me. We'll see how much I like him after my "bladder scope".

The best quote from Sister Hinckley:
"If you can laugh at it, you can live with it."

So anyway.... I'm changing the subject!
Here's a family photo from our Halloween Party at church
(Thanks, Stoddard family):

You know that Primary song, "A Happy Family"
(sing along if you want!)

I love "Luna Lovegood" she loves me.
We love "Princess Leia", yes siree; HE loves us and so you see,
We are a crazy family!

I love "Zoe the Blue Fairy" she loves me.
We love Beck, even though he refused to wear a costume;
He loves us and so you see,
We are a crazy family!

I love "Kaia the Rose Princess" she loves me.
We love the "Orange Mummy",
even though he REALLY didn't want his picture taken,
He loves us and so you see,

We are a crazy family!

P.S. I will triumph!
P.P.S. Happy 15th Birthday to my beautiful great-niece, Jayden!

The Greatest "Hallowasn't"

Thanks to my dear friend Winnie the Pooh,
"We'll celebrate a Hallowasn't instead!"

Friday was the costume parade at the girl's elementary school. Zoe went by so fast (on purpose) I made her pose for a picture after school. She looked so beautiful as "The Blue Fairy". I often look at her and wonder if she wouldn't mind dating until she's like 20 or so? yeah, I'm okay with that.

Kaia came waltzing in with a giant migration map of the world she found in the "National Geographic" the night before. I had so many people come up to me, "So what's the map for? What is she supposed to be?" I said, "I have no idea, she's Kaia, I didn't even know she brought the map to school!" It actually looked quite cute.

Beck absolutely REFUSED to wear a costume. So he was "Beck" at the Halloween Party. I did get him to wear his race car driver costume for about 5 minutes after the elementary costume parade.

Friday night was our church "Fall Festival" (code name for Halloween Party). It's always so much fun! Fishing Pond, Bean Bag Toss, Face Painting, Cupcake Walk, Chili cook-off, etc. My kids always love the donuts on a string game.

Gabe helped Zeke with the Duck Pond Game. I had fun coloring his hair and wrapping him up too:) I love that my children want to do their own thing. Gabe had to have bright orange mummy wrappings. White? nah, everyone dresses up like a white mummy.

They always give out crazy awards for the best costumes and the best chili. Zeke got the "Real Man" award for his engineering attempt at Princess Leia. Yes, those are real cinnamon rolls! He is a bit whacked and that is precisely why I love him!

I spent the entire night chasing Beck around... but I still had fun. I really enjoyed my "Luna Lovegood" costume. Only a few people knew who I was and even then, they were like "Okay, so you're like some Harry Potter person or something?" It's okay, not everyone is obsessed like me! I tried to explain the radish earrings, the butter beer cork necklace, the Quibbler advertisement, the wand behind my ear... their eyes would glaze over. True to Luna, I knew who I was and I was darn proud of myself! And for me, that's what makes it fun. By about 7:30 though, I was done. I was TIRED. I couldn't wait to get home. I think I overdid it. My friend, Peggy, said she was surprised to see me since I've been so sick (and I'm thinking, yeah, I know I'm crazy.) I'm just like a kid, I don't want to miss Halloween! We all came home feeling blah.

Gabe got up early Saturday morning and went to the best of EFY. (yay, Gabe!) Zoe went with a friend to decorate sugar cookies at their church. Kaia and Beck woke up with fevers. Yep, leave it to us to be sick on a holiday. It's TRADITION! Just ask our family. After the ibuprofen kicked in, Kaia had fun playing with the Halloween makeup. Zeke had to work for awhile that morning. I didn't feel good and wanted to get some laundry done. Later that morning, it started raining a LOT and even a skiff or two of snow. The girls said this must be the worst Halloween ever.

Anyway, later that day, we carved pumpkins. Beck grabbed a knife faster than you can say "RATS!" and cut his finger pretty bad. Zeke put pressure on it for awhile and Beck fell asleep while he was holding him (coincidence?, I think not!) While he was sleeping, we were able to put some "New Skin" (liquid bandage) on it. (It stings like no other and yet he slept right through it) I think we were spared from a trip to the ER. I started thinking the girls might be right.

Around 4pm, we thought we'd better load up the kids and take them trick or treating for a bit. Kaia and Zoe didn't even want to go. WHAT?! yeah, they must not feel good. Gabe went trick-or-treating with some friends, but came home early and said our neighborhood gives out better candy than "Cliffside"(the fancy schmancy rich people area). Some of our friends stopped by and I really enjoyed seeing them. Thanks, Amelia, Curtis, Jen, and family! Things were looking up.

We decided to go trick-or-treating in our house. The kids went from room to room while Zeke and I hid behind the doors. Zeke had on a different costume (and personality) every time: Rastafarian, Mullet-topped Nascar fan, Cowboy, and Cheerleader. I wish I was cool like that. I kissed him at every door, except the cheerleader... a little too weird. I think I like the Rasta guy. Yeah, mon! That was my Halloween treat! By then, the girls decided this was the best Halloween ever and I really had to agree.

Yay for cameras, chairs, and radish earrings. Boo for me!

I'm so happy, I got a new camera today, just an inexpensive Sony Cybershot, but a new digital camera nonetheless. Woo hoo! I found out it would be way more than the price of my previous camera to have it fixed, so here we go again. FYI: Cameras do NOT bounce! That cute little strap isn't just for looks, it's like a Wii strap -- it's there for a reason! Put it on your wrist so when your hands let go of the camera while you're holding everything else, it doesn't hit the floor. I dropped our first camera last June. Beck dropped our second camera last week. Our new camera is bright orange! So it must be awesome, right? I wish I could take a picture of it. Let's hope it stays "un-dropped" for awhile.

(drum roll....)
The first picture with the new camera, ironically it's us:
The Camera Destroyers... I'm pretty sure this new camera feels threatened already. At our house, it should.

Our new chairs ($30 each... oh yeah!) We really like red and black (obviously). They're kind of funky; they remind me of licorice or checkers. We decided to put them together all mixed up just because we can. Ha! I love that Zeke and I like the same stuff. We assembled them while watching "You've Got Mail". I have to say that is one of my all-time favorite movies. "I can't help myself!" For years I've been wanting to find that dessert picture Meg Ryan has on the wall in her kitchen. It would look great with my new chairs. (If that isn't a hint for a Christmas present, then I don't know what is.)

I haven't been feeling well... unfortunately, this is a recurring theme with me. I went to the doctor this morning. I am full of infection: sinus, ears, urinary tract... just the usual stuff for me. But I'm sick of being sick. The doctor also said I'm dehydrated... that's hard to believe because I drink water like crazy, but it would partly explain why I've been so tired. And oh yeah, I'm anemic (no, really?!). I think I've always been anemic. I can honestly say for at least 20 hours of every day, I'm thinking of a big juicy steak. Aren't you? Maybe I'm a vampire...

I went to the store and got the kids some gummy vitamins to help me feel like I'm fighting back the impending cold/flu season. "Wall-e" for the boys and "Tinkerbell" for the girls ;) I took some Tinkerbell ones for myself. Maybe my tummy can handle the kiddie vitamins. Sheesh!

Anyway, my doctor wants me to see a urologist tomorrow for the recurring UTI's. (I'm joining a club, by the way, with my friend, Stephanie) I think I would rather have E-coli than a UTI (I am NOT kidding!) I'm such a chicken baby. I don't want to go to the urologist :( that does NOT sound like fun in any sense of the word. What have I done to deserve this cruel and unusual punishment? Okay, don't answer that. I won't! I wish magic was real. I could wave my wand and say "Body Reparo" and Ta-da!

Maybe I should wear my Halloween costume to the appointment? At least the doctor would be more interested in my radish earrings...

Can you guess what my costume is going to be?
If you can, you must be cool (like me).

I have a hard time not feeling discouraged by always being sick. I was going really good for almost a year or so... but I have to remember there is "opposition in all things". Maybe Heavenly Father was just keeping me healthy until we had money to pay for all my doctor visits and medicine. Go figure. Okay, I'm going to give myself a big dose of ice cream tonight. Doctor's orders!

Lookin' for fun and feelin' groovy....

you know that old song from Simon and Garfunkel? "Slow down, you movin' too fast, you gotta make the MORNING last. Just kickin' down the cobblestones, lookin' for fun and feelin' GROOVY!" yeah, something like that.

I took a nice hot bath after I got the kids off to school this morning. ahhhh. Ever since my bath, that song has been going through my head. I am so thankful to have HOT WATER :) Some days, a girl just needs a hot bath.

Read a great book. My friend, Nancy, let me borrow it: "I didn't plan to be a witch" by Linda Eyre. I didn't think I would like it, but it was a great little parenting book and a quick read :) I am so thankful for good books and good friends.

It's cold and rainy outside and I have a MILLION things to do, but I feel good. :)

I finished Zoe's costume yesterday (I'll post some pictures as soon as I remember to take some with Zeke's phone.) Kaia's will be done today or tomorrow. Oh, how I love to sew. I am so thankful to have a sewing machine.

I'm going to do Art Appreciation for Zoe's class today. It's a lot of fun. We're doing Origami today. We're making Halloween Pumpkins. I tried it this morning and it was so easy :) I would post a picture, but I don't have a working camera at the moment. Go see the link. Very fun!

I'm also shopping for a new garage door. Yeah, I'm spoiled. I want to get it done before the snow comes so I don't have to scrape windows or load my kids in the van outside. I am so thankful that we can get a new garage door.

Oh, by the way, have you ever eaten Spumoni ice cream? Zeke and I tried it for the first time last week and now it's our new FAVORITE! Pistachio/chocolate/fruit/nuts -- good stuff, weird, but very good and chewy and the kids don't like it so there's always some for us. Now that is groovy!

Toothless, Hiccup, Costume Frenzy and "Sorry to all who know me"

(Photo of Toothless from Wikipedia)

Ok, I always say "this post will be quick" but really this one will.

We rented "How to train your dragon" Friday night from the Redbox. We absolutely LOVED LOVED LOVED it! So much! Yep, it's very cute. Toothless is the cutest dragon I have ever seen! He reminds me of our big gray cat, Caspian. I am so amazed at the technology and computer animation in this movie. The water and fire look real. Even though Kaia said that I'm Astrid and she's Toothless, I feel more like Hiccup; always messing up, always misunderstood. Kinda like "Flik" in "A Bug's Life". Another good movie by the way. My kids have been drawing dragons all weekend.

Halloween is coming too fast. My girls need their costumes finished by tomorrow for a party at TaVaci. I'm in trouble. Previous lack of funds and sickness have put the costumes on hold. So today is the day! Better get sewing! They are halfway done I suppose, but with a 2 year old.... yeah.

Lastly, for those of you that don't know me too well and again for those of you that do, I just want to say "Sorry for being weird" right up front. I honestly don't want to offend anyone, but I have been told I am a bit of a "germaphobe". It's not the germs I am afraid of ... it's the late night ER visits and hospital stays that aren't my favorite. Yeah, call me crazy, but they're not fun. You wouldn't like it either. I promise.

I haven't always been this way... Kaia got a simple little cold during Christmas 5 years ago and we had to stay overnight in the ER with her. Kaia and Beck both have "Reactive Airway Disease" or sometimes it's called "Illness-induced asthma" meaning, when most people get a little cold, they get bronchitis or pneumonia every time. REALLY. It's so scary to see them wheezing and gasping for air. They get really high fevers as well. Earlier this year, Kaia was so sick, her lips were blue. And when she was three years old, I was driving her to the ER and she actually lost consciousness.

Anyway, I have been ostracized and even made fun of by a few individuals for my behavior (like using hand sanitizer, not wanting to be around sick people, not shaking people's hands -- yeah, crazy I guess.) It's hard for other people to understand unless they KNOW what it's like. I don't think other people aren't clean. Everyone gets sick. Everyone has germs. I'm just trying to protect my children the best I can. And I hope everyone can understand that. I just always feel like I have to explain myself.

I feel bad because we had a movie night planned with some friends and I didn't know one of them was sick so I told Zeke we had to cancel. Sorry guys... it's not you, it's me. I promise.

My Mom goes through the same thing with my Dad with his COPD. She just says I can't worry about what people think, but it's hard not to. :(

Busy Bee

Here's some pictures of our trip to Bear Lake last weekend. The water's really high this year, not much beach area. But we had a great time anyway.


Zoe and Beck are in our little cubby shelf thing by the garage... the kids love to climb up there.


And also a picture of Zoe's Halloween dress she's been begging me to make ever since we found the fabric in my storage box a few months ago (it's not going to be that long) She's going to be the Blue Fairy from "Pinocchio". (The fabric we already have is blue, so that's what I suggested she could be, aren't I sneaky?)

Well, I don't know what's up with me, I've just been busy busy lately... I've got this sewing bug and even a yard work bug and cleaning bug (Man, I must be sick, because this is NOT like me!) Maybe I'm finally recovering some energy after being released in May from almost 4 years in Young Women's. If I were pregnant (NO!!!! I'm NOT!) -- I would call all of this energy "nesting" I suppose. It feels good to get a bunch of little things done that I've been neglecting forever and in some cases I've even forgot about. I found two cute shirts of mine in my sewing basket today that have needed mending for so long... I forgot I had them! Wow!! It feels like I have new clothes.

However, I just haven't really been in the mood to blog. Too many thoughts and feelings I don't really want to share with anyone. Too many crazy things going on. I want to be positive and share good things. I've always been a bit of a non-conformist type person. Not quite sure if that's the right word, but I just kinda do my own thing. Every once in awhile I'll meet someone who doesn't mind that about me, but usually people just can't handle it. Well, I'm pretty sure I'm a complete nutter, but what the hey, I have an awesome husband and 4 healthy children to love me anyway. Thanks to my friend, Jill, for the quote: "There is pleasure, sure, in being mad, which none but madmen know!" -John Dryden

We are looking forward to Zeke finishing school in December! We're still hoping and praying for enough money to pay his tuition. We don't have all of it yet, but I have a very good feeling whenever I think or pray about it. I know something will happen to help us get him through school. I'm so thankful for the companionship of the Holy Ghost. It is so wonderful not to be stressed about it.

I also wanted to share another great reminder of the power of prayer and faith. Well, just to set up the story, Zeke gets paid on the 5th and the 20th of every month. Friday was the 16th and well, we're out of money (no biggie, it's just the way it is right now). I've got plenty of food in the house, but I looked at some recipes and thought if I just had some egg noodles, carrots, and mozzarella cheese, I could put together some nice meals until Tuesday. (not those things together necessarily) So, I'm a very straight forward person when it comes to prayer. I knelt down and asked Heavenly Father if I could come up with just enough money for those things I would be fine until payday. Later that day, I went to get the mail and guess what?! Yep, there in the mailbox was a $5 rebate check from a rebate I had sent in months ago and forgot about. Is it a coincidence that it arrived on Friday? I think not!! Jeffrey R. Holland said, "A coincidence is a small miracle in which God chooses to remain anonymous." Thank YOU very much... I went to the store today and got exactly what I wanted. (and free candy for the kids from the bank! SCORE!!) I know that Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers.

I also like another quote from Mary Poppins, "Enough is as good as a feast." I am truly thankful for the desire we have had to follow the prophet and "live within our means". It has been a great blessing in our family. We are so happy for little things and we are so good at not spending money. Try it, it's harder than you think, but I promise you that the peace that comes with it is priceless!

I'm rambling... I should be going through my Primary lesson..... ok, that's why I've got all of this energy to do OTHER things... it's called PROCRASTINATION... now if that's not the best motivator to do anything but the thing you're supposed to be doing, I don't know what is :) Hope you're all having a FABULOUS summer!