Look what came in the mail!

Okay, so it really happened. I am NOT dreaming. Zeke really did graduate from Utah State in December! Really. His diploma came in the mail on Friday. (They don't have a Fall Commencement anymore -- he'll walk in the Spring. And we are going to have the biggest party ever!) It has been a LONG time coming. I'm so proud of you, sweetie!
and I am SO glad it's OVER!!!!!

Lessons from my refrigerator -- Part 2

Ok, I found another great quote on my refrigerator that I want to share with you today:

"It takes courage and commitment to follow the promptings of the Spirit because they may frighten us as they lead us to walk along new paths, sometimes paths that no one has walked before, paths of the second mile, of acting totally differently from how worldly people act. For instance, we may be prompted to smile when someone offends us, to give love where others give hate, to say thank you where others would not find anything to be thankful for, to accept jobs that others would be too proud to do, to apologize where others would defend themselves, and to do all the seemingly crazy things that the Spirit prompts a righteous, honest, listening heart to do." (From "The Only Real Treasure," New Era, Dec. 1979, p. 5)

This one really gets me thinking and I try to focus harder on what the Spirit is trying to tell me and then the really hard part -- to actually obey those promptings regardless of how I feel about it.

A great quote that has been passed around our ward, but I'm not sure where it came from: "Never suppress a generous thought."

I'm trying to do better this week and love and serve others no matter what I get in return or how others may react to it. I'm struggling a bit as the end of the semester is approaching. I'm tired. Zeke's more tired. I hope it will all be worth it. The time all of us have sacrificed for him to graduate can never be given back to us. By then end of a semester, I look at him and wonder, "Who is this guy? I think I know him... but I'm not sure." It's almost like getting to know him all over again. But this time will hopefully be the last time. He has been in school off and on basically since we got married nearly 15 years ago. I get really lonely and I feel so isolated. I feel socially inept... I'm just out of practice. I wish I had some of my family close by. With 4 children going every which way, it's hard to do anything other than just take care of them and the house and such.

Yesterday, Kaia told me, "I hate you and I wish you would go away so Daddy could take care of us." Okay, my skin must be thinner than a slice of pickled ginger on a piece of sushi, but that made me so sad. :( She was upset because I didn't want her to change her clothes again before she went outside. Heaven forbid she wears just one outfit each day!

Sometimes I wish I could go to work all day and come home fresh and new so the kids would be excited to see me. I feel like things are out of balance in our home and I know there's really no other way to do it right now. I just need to get through it.

Sorry for whining, but to end on a positive note: "When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed. When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost, Count your many blessings, name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done."

I am SO thankful for a husband who loves us and works so hard to provide for us. I am thankful that he wants to follow the counsel of our Prophet and "obtain as much education as possible." I am thankful when he plays with our children and reads books to them with crazy voices, even though he's been so sick. I am thankful for my children, especially Gabe and Zoe. Now that they are older, they really are my friends and I don't know what I would do without them. They sense how tired I am and how hard it is. They are such good helpers. I am amazed at how responsible and caring they are.

Oh and I am so thankful for our beautiful (messy) yard.
It makes me happy.

That We Might Have JOY

After we went Letterboxing on Saturday, Zeke had to work for "awhile" and the house was busy and loud and full of my children and their friends and lots of dirty dishes and laundry. I just wanted to curl up with my husband and family and watch a movie and forget about how much my children complained about "Mom's Nature Walk" and Zeke's job and Zeke's classes and how much time and gas money I've spent driving around town the last 2 weeks. I felt a little discouraged... don't get me wrong, I am so thankful Zeke has a good job. I am so thankful that he is willing and able to get an education. I am so thankful my children are healthy and life is good for the most part, but why is it so hard? I recall praying to Heavenly Father everyday for the last month: "please help me survive this day, please just help me get through this moment, help me get the kids to bed, help me remember this, help me fix dinner, help me stay awake, help me love my family, etc..."

I feel so overwhelmed as a Mother; I'm ashamed to admit that I always have. It just doesn't come naturally to me. I mean, I love my children more than anything and I would do anything for them and I want them to be happy, but when I hear other Mothers say how much they just "love BEING a Mother" I wonder what's wrong with me... Why don't I feel that way? Where can I find joy like that? There are small moments of joy and maybe I need to focus on those more, but it seems like they have been few and far between lately. I know, I know, I think of the quote from President Hinckley: "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

I know I said this a few posts ago, but Zeke is seriously working almost ALL the time. Right now, it's 9pm and he has been at work since 6am and he's still not home. By the time I get dinner fixed, kids bathed, homework done, dishes and laundry whittled down and such, I am too exhausted to feel joy. How do you do it? Some days I just feel like this isn't what I signed up for. Where can I get a transfer? (just kidding) I find myself wishing my days away and wanting time to pass and I know that is NOT how I should feel.

I know with all my heart and soul I'm supposed to be a stay at home mother... someday, I'll share that experience with you... but now that my oldest is 12... somewhere along the way, I thought things would get a little easier. I thought I'd have some experience and wisdom to draw from (ha ha ha) ... I would be so calm and patient and peaceful and JOYFUL. Why I expected things to get easier I don't know? But I wish it was, even just a little.

Let me remind you, I have a 2 year old boy... need I say more? And NONE of our children have ever been, what would you say "quiet", "calm", "passive", "complacent", "compliant", "normal"? (No, not one! They are all way too much like their parents I'm afraid, especially their mother!)

I'm just tired, I guess. I was really feeling sorry for myself Saturday night after I finally got all the kids to bed. I decided I would read the Ensign for awhile and see if that would help me feel better. You know those days when dinner's over and you want to put the kids to bed at 6pm? Yeah, it was one of those days... but I didn't actually get the kids in bed until about 10pm.

Well, I said my prayers to help me be a better Mother and to find something in the Ensign to help me keep going. I try so hard everyday, but when I fall into bed at night, I feel like a complete failure.

Anyway, I found an article in the September 2010 Ensign that was written just for me. It was!
It's called "That We Might Have Joy" by Andrea Jones. She talks about her struggles as a missionary... but it sounded just like my struggles as a Mother. She went to a Stake Conference seeking "the Joy" that everyone else was feeling. Her mission president spoke about the joy of Christ's redemption that each of us can feel every day. He testified that even during difficult and uncertain times, we can feel joy from understanding the significance of the Savior's Atonement. She said, "The joy I thought I had never experienced was all around me. I just hadn't opened my heart to feel it... since my mission I have come to understand that situations and surroundings have no lasting impact on our ability to feel joy." Wow!

So even though my life is totally CA-RAZY and completely exhausting right now, I can feel joy each day because of the knowledge and testimony I have of the Savior's Atonement. I can endure anything and still have joy knowing that I have a Redeemer. Knowing that I can repent, knowing that doing my best is enough. Somehow when I realized this, everything became so simple. I am so tired everyday, but I want to do my best. Thinking of the Savior and His eternal sacrifice for me makes me want to do more. "...It is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.” (2 Ne. 25:23) Thank Heaven, literally.

PS I just wanted to add how amazing my husband is. Even though he's not home much right now, he is doing things for the good of our family. At the moment, we are kind of stuck in the middle of school and work and he keeps going! He's the one who's really exhausted :( I just woke up this morning and wanted to add this because Zeke is making a huge sacrifice too.

Letterboxing, hummus, and rocks at my window...

Happy September! I really love the cooler weather. I'm going to try and get some yard work done..."You try, you sit, this is about DOING!" I love that quote. Okay, I'll commit myself to DOING some yard work this fall (I didn't say how much though!)

I like to try new things. I'm anxious to try something I've never heard of: Letterboxing. I've been reading a blog called "Overstuffed" and it is FABULOUS! Earlier this week, Lara and her family shared their hobby of letterboxing. It looks pretty easy and really fun. Depending on Zeke's work schedule this week (oh, boy!), I'd like to go letterboxing. I'll let you know how it goes.

On Tuesday, I got to try a new food: HUMMUS. My brother keeps telling me I should try it. You were right, Brady, it was really yummy. My friend, Julie, makes her own and we ate it on wheat thins. Good stuff! But just for the record, I like garbanzo beans (aka chick peas)... so that might influence your opinion about hummus.

Ok, for the next part of my post, I'll call it a "Choose your own Adventure" (I used to love those books!) Choose wisely.... it may save you 5 minutes and keep you from hearing me whine.

Choice 1: I'll paraphrase the rest of my week: blah blah blah, murmur murmur murmur, waaah. Done.

Choice 2: ok, I told you it was your choice.... this is serious whining here:

Well, the new stuff has helped me cope with the "old" this week. I am such a baby. YES, it's true. Zeke started school again on Monday. It is his LAST semester though... but everything changes when Zeke is in school. I know it's important that he graduates, so for now, I'm just going to bite my tongue really hard and hang on until December. HELP!

It doesn't help that his job is INSANE. Ok, I am thankful he has a good job, but when they have a project deadline... yeah, let's just say it's not my favorite. My week has been so crazy, I can't remember what happened on what day. Zeke has been going to work at 6am (thanks for the rides to work, Paul). We are a one car family now (by choice) and wow, I am spoiled. I've been taking Zeke to school and picking him and the kids up this week -- about one hour round trip, not including other errands and activities. That's ok. But poor Zeke hasn't been coming home until 2 or 3 in the morning.... yes, you read that right. He goes to work at 6am and comes home at 2am the next day. (so that's like a 20 hour shift -- too bad he doesn't get paid by the hour!) So here I am feeling sorry for myself... it helps to write things down and get them in proper perspective. It's been a long week, the kids are missing their Dad and I am just plain worn out.

Anyway, one night/morning I went to bed and left the door unlocked for Zeke, because he left his keys here. I figured he'd be home soon and well, open the door. Around 3am I was sleeping soundly for once (and probably snoring too) and I could hear little taps on my window. It startled me, because our bedroom is on the second floor. The more awake I became, I realized someone was throwing rocks at my window. Now, under different circumstances it might have been romantic. But I don't think I've caught up on my sleep since 1998, so I was NOT pleased. I got up and opened the window and said, "The door's open." Zeke said, "Are you sure?" For those of you that do not know me, this is one of my LEAST favorite things to hear! For those who do know me and wonder why I suddenly get bugged, I really am sorry, I know I'm a brat and I'm working on it.

Anyway, Zeke was tired and so was I. Zeke came in and felt bad for waking me up. He went right to sleep like he almost always does. And me, well, I have this dumb habit I don't know how to fix or stop. My Mom is the same way. If I wake up in the middle of the night (to go to the bathroom or to help a crying child or to see who's throwing rocks at my window) I CANNOT for the life of me go back to sleep! It's awful! I'm still very tired, but my brain wakes up and I can't shut it off. Any suggestions, please? So let's just say, I was not 100% yesterday, oh yeah, that would have been Tuesday then. When the alarm went off at 6:30 I wanted to cry...

Ok, phew, I'm done whining for now.

One last quote to kick me out of this negative rut:
"If you can laugh at it, you can live with it." -- Marjorie Hinckley

Zeke: I love you, babe, we'll get through this... I hope! Thanks for ALWAYS making me laugh.

Blessings Fulfilled

A couple weeks ago, Zoe wanted to do a Fashion Show and try on lots of clothes and take pictures. She wanted me to be one of her models too. (if I get crazy enough, I'll post some of those pictures too) We had a lot of fun. I got out my wedding dress and Zoe and Kaia both tried it on and we took some pictures.... now, I don't know about you, but if you've ever seen your sweet little daughter wearing your wedding dress and dancing with your wonderful husband/her Daddy.... ok, it makes me get teary-eyed just thinking about it. Anyway, I just look at them and think how blessed we are. The choices Zeke and I have made to be married in the temple and to teach our children about the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I love them so much and I want them to have eternal happiness. I am so thankful for the knowledge we have been given.

Well, it's been a week since my last post and my Dad is doing so much better. He was able to come home yesterday. There have been SO many people praying for him... Thank You! There is great power in prayer. My parents have been through a lot last week, but a good friend of mine, Peggy, said, "Well, did it bring you closer together as a family?" (yes, it did) "Then it was worth it." Wow, it's amazing to look back and see just how true that is. I love and appreciate my parents and family so much more.

And! on Friday, we paid Zeke's tuition for Fall Semester.... what an amazing summer this has been. All of the sacrifice and saving have been well worth it. He will start school on August 30th and will graduate in December!! This December...4 months away!
And just a side note -- we budgeted about $200 for Zeke's books and they ended up costing $70 - TOTAL. The blessings just keep coming and our home and hearts are overflowing. (the home, literally! I never thought we could squish 6 people in here, but we are so blessed!)

2 week recap...

Wow, I just realized it's been almost 2 weeks since my last post... lots has happened... I promise I will write about most of it, probably, I'm just feeling quite scattered and unable to focus.
Summer is winding down and August gets busy, doesn't it? and then I wonder, what happened to June and July? I guess I could go back and read my posts....
Well, Zeke and Gabe had fun at scout camp. I had fun most of the time visiting my parents... I love them dearly... I just get worn out chasing Beck. My Mom and I did have some good laughs and we even went shopping with my Dad.
We got the truck all cleaned up, sold, and gone.... a young kid named Forrest bought it (well, his Dad bought it for him -- LUCKY!) Yeah, we've been thinking of all the Forrest Gump one-liners ever since.
Our van and truck were on the same loan and when we sold the truck, our credit union told us they were going to restructure our loan (lower the payments, right?) Well, not only did they lower our payments by half, they said we don't have to make any van payments until the end of November! YEAH! Can you believe that? It was all I could do not to hug the teller! Actually, I told her I would if the counter wasn't separating us...I think she was relieved.
Let's see... my children start school on Wednesday... they are mostly excited.
I got to teach a RS Activity (formerly known as Enrichment, formerly known as HFPE, formerly known as Homemaking? whatever) about shopping tips and saving money. I don't know what all the sisters expected... but I pretty much told them to live on Faith and trust in the Lord. (And where can I get those coupons? ha ha just kiddin')
I'll post some pictures tomorrow.... there's a new splash pad thingy in town and my kids really enjoyed it (so did we).
We also went to the County Fair on Saturday... it was so fun! We decided (by darn!) if we don't have to pay any car payments for another 3 months, we are going to take our kids to the fair. We haven't been since 2007 and we spent $64, not bad for 6 people (rides, games, and snacks). It was so nice to celebrate and treat the kids to a little fun.
My husband's tuition is due on Friday and I am so amazed and grateful to be able to say we have the money to pay it!
that's all for now... feeling like this post is "just the facts, Ma'am", well, I'll write something more interesting another day... off to bed :)

Ask and ye shall receive...or Tender Mercies...or After the trial of your faith comes the blessings...or Happy Dance?

Too many great title possibilities for this post..

Guess what?! We sold our table. I am so relieved and excited. $700!! It's so amazing to me, because on Saturday, we had nothing. My last post talked about spending a $5 rebate check for groceries. So yesterday I had to figure out a way to get apple juice and bread.

Let me back up. We had a darling couple come look at our table a few weeks ago. They really liked it. The next day, however, they called to say they weren't sure if they could buy it yet, because the husband's work hours had just been cut. I was kinda bummed, but they said please give us until the 1st of August and we'll see what we can do. I was satisfied with that, because tuition isn't due until the 16th of August and I knew it was in the Lord's hands.

So early yesterday morning, the husband calls and says he has put some money away and wants to surprise his wife with the table. I was excited. Then, he said, Can I bring the money over this morning? (uh, HECK YEAH!!) I was ecstatic!!! And he did. CASH! I am so excited for his wife too, what a sweet hubby to plan a surprise like that.

It makes me think of another great quote... I can't find the exact one (I can't spend all morning looking for it), but it's something like this:(this is from a New Era article) "God usually answers our prayers through someone who has resources and talents we lack." Wow, this sweet husband, Kasey, was an answer to our prayers. I had to refrain myself from hugging him!! Why did he pay us yesterday? The Lord is taking care of us.

Now, I must confess, after the kids and I went to the free lunch at the school yesterday, we went to the store and got a few groceries... and I bought everyone a doughnut of their choice... NOT from the day old rack either :) LIFE IS SO GOOD.

Busy Bee

Here's some pictures of our trip to Bear Lake last weekend. The water's really high this year, not much beach area. But we had a great time anyway.


Zoe and Beck are in our little cubby shelf thing by the garage... the kids love to climb up there.


And also a picture of Zoe's Halloween dress she's been begging me to make ever since we found the fabric in my storage box a few months ago (it's not going to be that long) She's going to be the Blue Fairy from "Pinocchio". (The fabric we already have is blue, so that's what I suggested she could be, aren't I sneaky?)

Well, I don't know what's up with me, I've just been busy busy lately... I've got this sewing bug and even a yard work bug and cleaning bug (Man, I must be sick, because this is NOT like me!) Maybe I'm finally recovering some energy after being released in May from almost 4 years in Young Women's. If I were pregnant (NO!!!! I'm NOT!) -- I would call all of this energy "nesting" I suppose. It feels good to get a bunch of little things done that I've been neglecting forever and in some cases I've even forgot about. I found two cute shirts of mine in my sewing basket today that have needed mending for so long... I forgot I had them! Wow!! It feels like I have new clothes.

However, I just haven't really been in the mood to blog. Too many thoughts and feelings I don't really want to share with anyone. Too many crazy things going on. I want to be positive and share good things. I've always been a bit of a non-conformist type person. Not quite sure if that's the right word, but I just kinda do my own thing. Every once in awhile I'll meet someone who doesn't mind that about me, but usually people just can't handle it. Well, I'm pretty sure I'm a complete nutter, but what the hey, I have an awesome husband and 4 healthy children to love me anyway. Thanks to my friend, Jill, for the quote: "There is pleasure, sure, in being mad, which none but madmen know!" -John Dryden

We are looking forward to Zeke finishing school in December! We're still hoping and praying for enough money to pay his tuition. We don't have all of it yet, but I have a very good feeling whenever I think or pray about it. I know something will happen to help us get him through school. I'm so thankful for the companionship of the Holy Ghost. It is so wonderful not to be stressed about it.

I also wanted to share another great reminder of the power of prayer and faith. Well, just to set up the story, Zeke gets paid on the 5th and the 20th of every month. Friday was the 16th and well, we're out of money (no biggie, it's just the way it is right now). I've got plenty of food in the house, but I looked at some recipes and thought if I just had some egg noodles, carrots, and mozzarella cheese, I could put together some nice meals until Tuesday. (not those things together necessarily) So, I'm a very straight forward person when it comes to prayer. I knelt down and asked Heavenly Father if I could come up with just enough money for those things I would be fine until payday. Later that day, I went to get the mail and guess what?! Yep, there in the mailbox was a $5 rebate check from a rebate I had sent in months ago and forgot about. Is it a coincidence that it arrived on Friday? I think not!! Jeffrey R. Holland said, "A coincidence is a small miracle in which God chooses to remain anonymous." Thank YOU very much... I went to the store today and got exactly what I wanted. (and free candy for the kids from the bank! SCORE!!) I know that Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers.

I also like another quote from Mary Poppins, "Enough is as good as a feast." I am truly thankful for the desire we have had to follow the prophet and "live within our means". It has been a great blessing in our family. We are so happy for little things and we are so good at not spending money. Try it, it's harder than you think, but I promise you that the peace that comes with it is priceless!

I'm rambling... I should be going through my Primary lesson..... ok, that's why I've got all of this energy to do OTHER things... it's called PROCRASTINATION... now if that's not the best motivator to do anything but the thing you're supposed to be doing, I don't know what is :) Hope you're all having a FABULOUS summer!

Whirlwind

That is the word to describe the last week or so... and right now I'm in the eye of the storm. Last Tuesday Zeke's Aunt and Uncle came to visit, Friday through Sunday Zeke's Mom came to visit, and on Sunday his sister and her family came to visit. It was good to see everyone, just busy and a little crazy. When we have company, my kids act totally crazy..... I'm always telling them something like, "I would never let you do that, you know that's a rule, so why are you doing it when Grandma is here?" They do things they know are not ok with us.... they just seem to lose it when company's here.... and because of that, so do I. But we did have fun, we went to the Summerfest, had a picnic at Merlin Olsen Park, and ate yummy food.

Just when I thought I could breathe a sigh of relief on Sunday, I was asked to speak in sacrament THIS Sunday..... it's not a major big deal, but I get so stressed... it's just always in the back of my mind ALL week.

And then I really did a dumb thing on Monday.... I'll tell you more later as it all unfolds.... oh brother, Why do I always do such dumb things? Will I ever learn?

Anyway, Zeke finished my "little" kitchen remodel for about $50 (not bad). He is so good to me, I'm not sure if I deserved this. He put a lot of time into it. I love his pose right here.... thanks, honey. The kitchen workstation thingy is so awesome.... Zeke and I can cook together and not be in each other's way now.

Here's the front of it. It's not fixed to the floor so we can move it wherever we need to. :)

Oh and I'm thinking about selling our table and chairs.... we are still not close to what we need for Zeke's tuition (after Gabe's ER visit and such). Anyway, if anyone is interested let me know. We got it new in November 2009. It's a dark walnut (almost black) counter-height table with 6 chairs and a bench that fits 2 or 3. The table has a built-in leaf in the bottom. Maybe $700? I'm thinking we'll just use our fold out table and chairs until tax returns next spring.... we've just got to get through to December.

My kids are so cute. Really. Considering how crazy this weekend was, they were so awesome! I am so proud of them. I just love to sit outside and watch them play together :) Life is good... and it will be much better after my talk is over on Sunday (I hope).

Ok, who called the Waaambulance?!

Me in my Mom's brown dryer during a crazy sleepover with my friends. (1992?)
This picture has absolutely nothing to do with my post, it just makes me laugh!

Today is one of those days... I have them every so often... too often lately... I wake up and feel off :( It's one of those days when I feel like the scripture about the Lord not tempting or trying us above that which we're able to bear is really making me wonder out loud, "Okay, do You really think I can bear all of this? because I'm not so sure..."

I feel so weak... maybe it's because Kaia has been sick all week and it's been very stressful, maybe it's because Zeke being in school for the last 4 years and pay cuts at work have made things very hard in the financial sense, maybe it's because I stayed up too late last night and wasted time watching most of a movie I didn't really enjoy, maybe it's because I'm having serious withdrawls from hanging out with the youth, maybe I just need some chocolate...

maybe I just don't have enough faith...... and yet, I just found a scripture (or two) that shines some light into this dreary day.....D&C 64:33-34 "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great. Behold, the Lord requireth the heart and a willing mind; and the willing and obedient shall eat the good of the land of Zion in these last days."

D&C 63:20 "Nevertheless he that endureth in faith and doeth my will, the same shall overcome."

I'm trying to be a good mother. I'm trying to stay home with my children. We're trying to "obtain as much education as possible" and live within our means and get out of debt (this is all a LOT harder than you might think, at least it is for me).

I keep thinking about Dory from Finding Nemo.... "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

And a quote from Helen Keller, "Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition and success achieved."

I also think of a great person, Dr. Ted Davis. He was our family doctor for over 6 years. He delivered Gabe. He now has Lou Gehrig's disease and had to quit practice right after Kaia was born because of it. I cannot begin to imagine what he has gone through. Dr. Noorda, (who is my OBGYN now), told me Dr. Davis ends all of his emails with the letters "I C B W". It stands for "It could be worse." WOW! for him to say that... I need to remember his example of faith and a positive attitude.

Whenever my friend, Barbara, would be in the midst of great stress and trials, she would just smile and simply say very confidently, "The Church is true!"

Well, The Church is true! And by the way, getting IN the dryer was the easy part.