The good, the bad and the "buggy"

How can someone be SO happy and SO sad all at the same time? Living in my head is exhausting, I tell you! One moment, I'm high as a kite and I love my life, the next, I'm rolling my eyes and muttering under my breath, "Heaven help me be a better person, PLEASE!"

Not sure what I'm blogging about today, but my brain feels overloaded. (Seems to be a common theme, eh?) My blog is turning into my brain dump. Who knows? All of these crumbs might get cooked up into a great book someday... 

So many people in our world today need serious help or even just a friendly face. There are people right in our neighborhood and I'm sure they are right in your neighborhood too! I feel so blessed to be able to serve others and be aware of their needs. I love these people and I hope I can always be in tune with the Spirit and keep my mind and my day open enough to make time for helping others. Dropping everything to run to the aid of another person and feeling the Spirit carry you as you go... there's no other feeling like that.

Such a wonderful day yesterday in so many ways. Beck and I played Uno. Just the two of us. It was really fun. He's getting so big. He lost his first tooth last night. To me, that makes him seem much bigger now than when he started Kindergarten a few weeks ago. Can my baby really be old enough to lose a tooth?! Where has the time gone? Really. 

It's hard to see his missing tooth in this picture, but I love his face. The new gap on the bottom in the front, of course.

Kaia is going on a field trip today to Logan Canyon and to say she is excited is a HUGE understatement. Her teacher this year is just absolutely perfect for her. They are kindred spirits. She truly loves and encourages Kaia's reading obsession and she's been doing a lot of Science with her class. Kaia is her biggest fan! It's so fun to hear about all of the cool things her teacher is doing. My Ms. Frizzle wish is growing and growing every year!

Beck and Kaia headed out the door to school. 

It's homecoming week at Gabe's high school and he went to the parade and powderpuff game last night. I picked him up afterwards and we had a great time laughing together as he told me about all the funny things that happened. I stopped at the gas station to fill up the van and he offered to buy me a treat. It was so sweet. I love talking and laughing with him. I'll give him a ride home any time just for that reason. I love that he is happy.  (Mostly happy, after all, he is 15!)

Zoe has a new friend she met at school and it turns out she only lives a couple blocks away! How cool is that? I met her friend and her Mom last night. They seem really nice. I like this friend for Zoe because she's still enjoying being 12. Not into boys yet, still wanting to play outside and well, just PLAY! Zoe is so much like that and I hope she can enjoy every last second of being "little". I loved hearing about their nature walk and all of their "big plans" for having different fashion themes each week and wearing matching colors at school. It made me smile. The 12 year old inside of me is still very much alive and kicking and I wonder if she'll ever realize she's almost 39... in some ways, I hope not.

Speaking of being 12 though.... in some ways, I guess I really need to grow up. But I'm really not sure how -- that is why I still must be 12 inside, because sometimes my heart hurts SO much about silly little things. Sometimes I get SO mad about things. Sometimes I just want to be little again and not have all of the silly grown-up problems. 

I was talking to my girls the other day about some girls that weren't being so nice to them at school. Nothing major, just mean girls giving them dirty looks. You know the "eye to toes and back up to your eyes -- Oh, you're no threat to me" kind of look? Yeah. I hate that. I told them just to smile at those girls and don't ever give them a second thought. Ever. I told them to brush it off and be strong, because Guess What? There are STILL "girls" like that who are my age. Yuck.

Anyway, I'm just always feeling like I don't fit it anywhere and maybe I don't, but the question is: WHY do I care? I just don't know. My season in life is here with family right now.  My kids and husband are where I invest most of my time and I know that is most important, but I always end up feeling left out. I always feel like I just walked in AFTER the punch line of everything. There seems to be a secret world out there that I've never been part of... (thank heavens for preschool -- they LOVE me! :)

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Have you ever read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince? You know where Professor Slughorn alters his memories before he lets Professor Dumbledore see them? Well, I just altered my blog before EVERYONE reads it. I erased about 4 paragraphs of YUCK right here. It was just me complaining and being contentious. I need to go talk with the person I have an issue with directly, not vaguely hint around it on my blog. Sorry if you read it -- I don't want to be that kind of person! Anyway, good luck finding the horcruxes and all that...

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I know it's just Satan trying to bring me down, but I also know having good and bad experiences so EXTREME in one day is a reminder to me there are areas in my life I really need to do better in. I need to LOVE people, to see them as God sees them, and not to let them bother me so much. There is good in everyone. I truly believe that. I think the good gets clouded by assumptions and jealousy and their own feelings of insecurity or even just stress and fatigue. 

I have so many awesome people in my life and I'm going to focus on them. People that seem to like me for the moment and I'll take it! I want be humble and kind to everyone around me, regardless of how they treat me. It's easy to love someone that loves you, right? But I want to love the ones who don't. That's going to be my focus. I worry about realizing this goal and saying it "out loud". I've prayed about it and now I know the tests will come! I hope I'm ready...

I just think I get along better with my own family (wow, that is an awesome realization, isn't it!!!) and of course, my cats. This is our new addition, Churro. His favorite hiding spot is inside the shoe bench. He is just absolutely adorable. Really. I cannot help it. I love this guy! He has THE cutest little meow.

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." ~ Anatole France

Christmas Magic

I was so excited during the weeks leading up to Christmas: decorating our little apartment, wrapping presents, baking goodies, reading Christmas stories each night, watching our favorite Christmas movies... I love it all.

The kids got out of school a few days before Christmas and I couldn't be happier. This year has been really crazy. Driving 4 kids to 4 different schools each morning has been insane... I can't seem to get anything accomplished, so I was really looking forward to the break. Just to chill and not drive everywhere all day and tell my kids a thousand times, "Time to get up, let's go, get in the car, we're going to be late, do your homework, go to bed!"

We live in the center of town where it's considered "walking distance" to all of the schools, so there are no buses to pick up my two older kids. Just to catch you up -- we sold our house and moved into an apartment the end of June. 1000 square feet, 6 people, 3 cats, yeah. But it's a actually good thing. We're building a house and it's supposed to be finished by March 1st, so I can almost see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, this is our first move in 9 years. I was really comfortable where we were. I knew everyone in our neighborhood and ward (church group). It was home. Exciting as the thought of building a new house may be, it has been quite an adjustment for all of us. We've been attending our new ward since we moved.

The new ward is nice enough, but it's new. I've really tried to get to know people and yet, I look around and I feel like I hardly know anyone.  We went to church the Sunday before Christmas and I was just feeling so sad. Walking into sacrament meeting, I felt like a total stranger. We sat down and saw so many people -- most of whom we didn't know, families that came to visit other ward members -- I had no idea who was who for that matter.

Anyway, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself... feeling sad that we moved... missing our old ward and neighborhood and friends... feeling very alone and hoping our Christmas break would be happy and relaxing. I've decided that moving is sort of like losing someone you love. Things will never be the same. You see or hear something that reminds you of your lost loved one or your old neighborhood and a flood of memories come back. It can be so overwhelming you feel like you will burst and no one really truly understands how you feel. No matter how wonderful your life is now, there's still something missing. Something that can never be replaced. It's a new "normal".

Sunday was bittersweet. New friends and cheerful smiles, a beautiful Christmas program -- but those familiar faces I've known for so long, those knowing smiles I'd come to rely on, the Christmas programs our ward did, the inside jokes, the special connections, and touching stories that bound us together for 9 years -- it just wasn't the same. That Sunday I couldn't figure out for the life of me why I chose to walk away from all of that. Familiar. Comfortable. Easy. My heart ached to go back, but really, there's no going back. Ever. It will never be the same. I look in the windows of our old home and see warm lights and happy smiles... but it's a new family. That life is gone.

I sound crazy. I know! We chose to leave. We felt like it was time to move on and bring our family closer together for many different reasons. We're so excited about our new house. REALLY. This year, however, I've truly realized it doesn't matter where you live. It matters what's inside you and what you do together as a family WHEREVER you live.

So after sacrament, I had agreed to substitute in nursery with the 3 year olds. I have to admit, I wasn't really looking forward to it. Since moving, I've been asked to sub in Primary (children's classes) a lot. It feels like every Sunday I'm there I'm substituting. I know I could say no, but that's just not me. I know they need help. Anyway, I feel like I haven't gotten to meet very many ladies in our ward because I never get to go to Relief Society. Blah blah blah, whine whine whine, I know. Nine years is a long time. I got really comfortable in our old ward. I knew everyone and everyone knew me. It's just going to take some time.

Nursery ended up being wonderful. The other lady helping in the nursery was so nice and friendly -- it means a lot. The children were adorable. We got to take them into Primary with the older kids for awhile to help them adjust since they would no longer be in nursery starting in January. They were so nervous. They didn't even know me and they held my hand so tight. A few of them had tears in their eyes and told me they wanted to go back to the nursery.

Everyone in the Primary was so excited to have the little nursery kids there. They were so friendly and they had fun songs and games for them -- but the nursery kids were afraid. They wanted something familiar and comfortable and easy. I knew just how they felt! My heart filled with love for these sweet little children. The rest of my Sunday was filled with serving and giving and understanding -- I wasn't feeling sorry for myself anymore. Substituting in nursery that day had been a gift just for me. A tender mercy from a kind and loving Heavenly Father. I loved nursery so much I offered to substitute the following Sunday! :)

Christmas was absolutely magical for me this year. I woke up on Christmas Eve feeling kind of depressed and stressed and blah. Not really sure why -- just a lot going on. I was wishing we could be with family -- we visited our parents for Thanksgiving and decided we would stay home for Christmas. It was snowing like crazy -- I was bummed thinking about our house that is waiting to be shingled and how many more weeks the storm will set us back. I was stressed -- Zeke and I were trying to deal with various issues with our children and it's just very emotionally draining and hard not to wallow in it sometimes. I was tired -- I remember curling up with the family to watch "Elf" around noon and I fell asleep for a bit. I hardly ever sleep in the middle of the day. Not sounding very magical, is it?

Okay, as a family, we like to pick someone to do the "12 days of Christmas" for each year. If I remember, I'll do a blog post about what we actually do -- it's very inexpensive and really fun. Anyway, the person we chose was someone we didn't know very well --  a man who lives by our apartment. He lives alone and well, all six of us wanted him to be the one for various reasons. So that was definitely a great experience -- anonymously leaving treats and gifts on his doorstep each night for eleven nights. We hoped it would bring him some Christmas cheer.

Christmas Eve was the last day. On this day, we all go as a family and introduce ourselves and give the final treat. I was still feeling blah and it was still snowing. We bundled up around 3pm and trudged over to his apartment. He was SO thrilled to finally learn who had been leaving all of the treats. We had met him previously this fall so it was fun to chat and get to know him better. It was then I noticed a little bit of happy creep into my heart, a little less blah -- I was thinking about someone else besides myself.

Directly in front of his apartment is a narrow alleyway on a fairly steep hill. By this time, the snow was at least 6 inches deep and there were no snow plows in sight on Christmas Eve. We ran back over to our apartment, bundled up a little more, grabbed our sleds, and raced back to the alley. It was awesome!    The alley was great: not too fast, not too bumpy, and all to ourselves. It was then I realized I was smiling and laughing AND that I had been for quite awhile.

The man we had just visited came outside and visited some more while we sledded and watched the kids.  He told us more about him --  both his parents had passed away, he was divorced twice, and his kids were grown and married and really didn't visit him much. It's almost as hard for me to type that sentence as it was for me to hear him say it. I can still see his face and the ache I felt in my heart. I wish I could tell you more about him, but I don't want to get too personal.

We had a really good visit and I just knew we needed to invite him over for Christmas Day to eat dinner with us. I looked at Zeke and I knew he was thinking the same thing. So we did. He said he might come. He was invited to his brother's house a couple hours away, but with the storm he wasn't sure if he wanted to travel that far. We encouraged him to come over and hang out with us.

We came in from sledding way past dark and I seriously felt like a little kid again. I can't remember the last time I've felt quite that way. It was truly magical! What a simple thing -- taking treats to a neighbor and spontaneously going sledding on an empty street. Later, we opened our traditional Christmas Eve present (or two or three -- thanks Grandmas and Grandpas!) The kids were excited about their presents, but they kept mentioning how much fun it had been to go sledding and how excited they were to have our new friend over for dinner the next day.

We read the account of the Savior's birth from the Bible and somehow got the kids in bed (notice I didn't say ASLEEP). Christmas morning came bright and early as Beck woke up at 5am wanting to know "did he come? did Santa come?" I think we got everyone up and ready to go around 6am. We opened presents and it was crazy. (I'll save that story for another day.) Anyway... it was mostly good.

After breakfast, I started fixing our Christmas Dinner. We planned to eat at 3pm and there was lots to do. Everyone pitched in and at 2:55, the table was set and ready, so I went to the bathroom to freshen up a bit before dinner. While I was in the bathroom I heard the doorbell ring. A wave of butterflies surged through my stomach -- he's here! I wasn't sure if he would really come. I was nervous, but excited.

We had a great dinner. He was so grateful and kind. He was really interesting to talk to and the conversation just seemed to flow. He kept complimenting our children on their good manners (what the? yeah, it was a truly magical day in many ways). He stayed for a few hours and I felt like it was one of THE best Christmases I've ever had. We talked a lot about our beliefs and membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He is also a member of our Church.

My heart ached for all that he has been through and all that he is going through. Suddenly, my "trials" and "troubles" seemed so incredibly trivial and even foolish and shameful. I tried to empathize with him, but I found myself flailing over every word I'd try to say. He was so happy just to have someone to spend Christmas with and I felt ashamed for feeling so crowded and overwhelmed with my little family sometimes. He has so many health problems and I felt so grateful to realize how healthy we really are and what a blessing that is.

Without any fancy presents, parties, or plans, and basically a "stranger" at our table, I felt closer to the Savior this Christmas than any other Christmas I can recall. I felt His love for me and my sweet little family. I felt His love for this kind man. I felt JOY. I don't know how to describe it, but joy is different from happiness. It is more than happy. It floods your entire mind and body with peace and fulfillment and hope and love. It's the true Spirit of Christmas.

This feeling set the mood for our family. Again, this is not like other Christmases. We're usually all sick and fighting most of the time. We have been SO blessed for Zeke to have two weeks vacation from work. It's been so cold and it has snowed so much, we haven't really gone anywhere. Quite simply, we have spent time together. The clock has literally come to a stop and it has been the most wonderful Christmas, here in this tiny apartment.

Just being together. No plans, no running around, no expectations, no fevers, no doctor visits, no alarm clocks, no homework, no schedules: just playing, cooking, eating, watching movies, building with Legos, taking pictures, laughing, playing video games and board games, singing, dancing, thinking, talking, reading, napping, cuddling, living, being. There is no price tag on the gifts I have received.

Fan Mail

This is from a little girl in my Primary class.
It doesn't get any better than this :)
Thanks, Grace.

Lessons from my refrigerator -- Part 2

Ok, I found another great quote on my refrigerator that I want to share with you today:

"It takes courage and commitment to follow the promptings of the Spirit because they may frighten us as they lead us to walk along new paths, sometimes paths that no one has walked before, paths of the second mile, of acting totally differently from how worldly people act. For instance, we may be prompted to smile when someone offends us, to give love where others give hate, to say thank you where others would not find anything to be thankful for, to accept jobs that others would be too proud to do, to apologize where others would defend themselves, and to do all the seemingly crazy things that the Spirit prompts a righteous, honest, listening heart to do." (From "The Only Real Treasure," New Era, Dec. 1979, p. 5)

This one really gets me thinking and I try to focus harder on what the Spirit is trying to tell me and then the really hard part -- to actually obey those promptings regardless of how I feel about it.

A great quote that has been passed around our ward, but I'm not sure where it came from: "Never suppress a generous thought."

I'm trying to do better this week and love and serve others no matter what I get in return or how others may react to it. I'm struggling a bit as the end of the semester is approaching. I'm tired. Zeke's more tired. I hope it will all be worth it. The time all of us have sacrificed for him to graduate can never be given back to us. By then end of a semester, I look at him and wonder, "Who is this guy? I think I know him... but I'm not sure." It's almost like getting to know him all over again. But this time will hopefully be the last time. He has been in school off and on basically since we got married nearly 15 years ago. I get really lonely and I feel so isolated. I feel socially inept... I'm just out of practice. I wish I had some of my family close by. With 4 children going every which way, it's hard to do anything other than just take care of them and the house and such.

Yesterday, Kaia told me, "I hate you and I wish you would go away so Daddy could take care of us." Okay, my skin must be thinner than a slice of pickled ginger on a piece of sushi, but that made me so sad. :( She was upset because I didn't want her to change her clothes again before she went outside. Heaven forbid she wears just one outfit each day!

Sometimes I wish I could go to work all day and come home fresh and new so the kids would be excited to see me. I feel like things are out of balance in our home and I know there's really no other way to do it right now. I just need to get through it.

Sorry for whining, but to end on a positive note: "When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed. When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost, Count your many blessings, name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done."

I am SO thankful for a husband who loves us and works so hard to provide for us. I am thankful that he wants to follow the counsel of our Prophet and "obtain as much education as possible." I am thankful when he plays with our children and reads books to them with crazy voices, even though he's been so sick. I am thankful for my children, especially Gabe and Zoe. Now that they are older, they really are my friends and I don't know what I would do without them. They sense how tired I am and how hard it is. They are such good helpers. I am amazed at how responsible and caring they are.

Oh and I am so thankful for our beautiful (messy) yard.
It makes me happy.

E. coli 101: Everything you never wanted to know but should.

My son's 5th grade teacher affectionately labeled us the "E. coli clan" yesterday on Facebook and I thought it was funny. If you can laugh at it you can live with it, right? Thanks, Mr. Barker!

Well, I thought I'd fill you in on recent events. Here's a flashback in case you're just tuning in...

Kaia (my 6 year old) got sick on Oct. 1st, I took her to the Dr. and her tests came back positive for E. coli. Yeah, E. coli! These results will be sent to the state Health Department for further investigation. At this point, we're pretty sure it came from contaminated ground beef... I'm very freaked out about eating it again!

Then, on Oct. 7th, my 9 year old daughter, Zoe, got sick as well. And to even things up, on the 9th, my sons and I also got sick. My husband was a little sick on Saturday, but we thought he was going to be okay. It was good too, because he and the girls took care of us on Saturday and Sunday. We also had a Harry Potter movie marathon... fun, but we had to pause the movie every time one of us had to use the bathroom (um, like every 20 minutes or so). So we didn't get very far on the movie marathon... but you know the books are better than the movies anyway. :)

Tuesday night (the 12th) Zeke started getting sick too... oh boy, I keep thinking of the scripture in D&C where the Lord tells Joseph Smith "...thou art not yet as Job..." Now, I am not trying to compare our lives to Joseph Smith's (or Job's) -- no way. We have it so good! But it's been a rough 6 months or so, especially for Zeke. He's actually doing the best out of everyone, thank goodness.

Everyone has been in for blood tests and now all 6 of us will have to go to our doctor every Monday for the next 4 weeks or so to have our blood pressure checked and to leave a urine sample to make sure our kidneys are working properly. What a fun activity for family night! ha ha ha

Seriously, though, we are very lucky so far. I've been told we have a mild case. I don't even want to imagine what it would be like to have a serious case. Most people are hospitalized.

Did you know after you have ingested E. coli it can take 1 to 14 days for your body to show any symptoms? I didn't.
Did you know that E-coli can cause kidney failure? I didn't.
Did you know that even if you cook ground beef until it's "no longer pink" you could still be at risk for getting E-coli? I didn't.
Did you know that some people have suffered strokes, blindness, paralysis, and even death from E. coli? I didn't.
Did you know that E. coli has been classified as a potential bio-terrorist weapon? I didn't.

I just thought I'd use this bizarre and unfortunate "opportunity" to inform everyone. Please read up and take precautions. I thought I was being careful, I guess you just never know.

By the way, my friends and neighbors have been SO awesome helping us with groceries and dinners and such. Thank you Lorie, Jenny, Lisa, Denise and Kolton, Jennifer and Nathan, Diana, Nicki, and Jessica. You know you're sick when you ask your neighbor to please go buy some more toilet paper for you. Sheesh!

Thanks for your concern and prayers. I am so thankful for the power of the Priesthood. It is such a blessing to see my children getting better :)

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

First of all, thanks to my great niece, Jayden, for the awesome quote I found on her blog. It fits today so perfectly.... "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." I was released from my calling as the Young Women President today...

I will miss the girls and leaders so much... but the last 4 years have been a whirlwind to say the least. What a ride! I was called to be the Laurel Advisor in 2006, this was when Zeke was the YM president! About 8 months later, I was called to be the YW President and for about 2 months, Zeke and I were together. Ward Council was always challenging for us to get a babysitter and very entertaining as well.... Bishop Pulotu would say, "President Susman" and we'd both say, "Yes?" ha, good times....

I was called to be the President in July 2007 (I felt this calling was coming). However, a week later, I found out I was expecting our 4th child (this was a BIG surprise for us). I figured, Heavenly Father already knew, so He must think that I can do it... and that's pretty much how I've handled the last few years. I've lived on faith and awesome counselors and leaders. And then there's the girls.... let me just say, if you have never had the privilege (nay, the pleasure! ha ha ha) of serving in the Young Women program, you my friend, are missing out on the best time ever!

Everyone kept congratulating me today and saying things like, "Oh, I bet you're so glad for a break" and "It's about time you get to relax" and stuff like that. While I appreciate their sentiment.... the Spirit is telling me this break won't last for long, so I need to enjoy every minute of it! I have never been bored since I have become an active member of this Church, that's for sure! I love serving people and I'm actually feeling a little bummed that I don't have a new calling. I'm always such a contradiction.... ask my husband.... the poor guy never knows if I'm coming or going....

gotta run.... dinner's on the table (thanks, honey!)