This blondie has a lot of back story...

I don't know why, but I just keep thinking about blogging the last few weeks. Maybe it's because school is almost over or maybe because I just finished up coaching an Odyssey of the Mind Team (science/art/drama club thingy) that I've been working with since November.

I don't know if I have more free time necessarily, but at least my mind feels a tiny bit less cluttered, although FULL.

I always have so much I want to say. Too much to put on Facebook and not always the right platform to do so.

I posted a status a few weeks ago about my feelings concerning Mormon Olympians who also happen to be mothers of small children. I think we had a fairly good "discussion", but I'm still trying to remember the advice "not to ask a question I don't really want to hear the answer to". There was a lot of anger and misunderstanding brewing underneath the surface of some of the comments. Combine that with my "somewhat vague" explanation of what was really on my mind and it made for a bit of a mess as far as I was concerned. Anyway, I got to the point where I didn't want to hear any more, so I deleted my post. Ha! I love having control like that. It just wasn't going where I wanted it to go and I was tired of trying to explain to everyone what I really meant.

It's taken me 3 weeks to figure out why I'm was so bugged with the idea of a young mother spending all that time training for an Olympic sport. It's been a good time for me to really think about myself and analyze why I feel so strongly. It was a good opportunity for self-reflection and re-evaluating my life. That being said -- everyone has a different life: background, abilities, experiences, children, husband, vocation, desires, etc, etc, etc.

So, here's an important realization I came to while chatting with a dear friend about it: no one can really understand where I'm coming from and why I think and feel the way I do  -- so, it just goes to show me I can't ever truly understand why these Olympic athletes choose to do what they do. No matter how anyone tries to explain it to me, no matter how amazing they are, no matter how many people love them. That means nothing to me -- you can definitely love someone and not agree with or support what they do. So, that's not the point I was trying to make.

I'm not even sure what point I was trying to make... I think I just wanted to express my feelings "out loud" and see if anyone understood or felt the same as I do. Again, I realize now, that no one can feel the same as another person. There are simply too many factors that make up their opinions.

My life experiences have made me feel a certain way: basically, I think women should do all they can to be there for their children - even at the expense of sacrificing (or at least putting on hold) some of their own dreams and aspirations. Why? Well, after watching my sister suffer through 4 years of cancer and then actually succumb to it, leaving behind 6 children (the youngest was barely 5), it REALLY scared me.

Then, to struggle through years of my own on-going health issues and wake-up calls it makes me realize life is SO SHORT. You never know when your life will be over. I always feel like I need more time. I feel like Heavenly Father is constantly and specifically reminding ME what my mission here on earth truly is -- always pulling me back on course and helping me focus on what truly matters. In a small way, I guess I'm grateful, but ever fearful of the unknown difference between my time frame and God's.

For me, I can't bear to think of really focusing on anything else right now other than spending time with my children and being there when they need me. I don't want any regrets when it comes to my children. I'm selfish too. I want to be there for every milestone and every special occasion. I want to prepare them for the future and hug them and tell them I love them and make sure I've given them all I can.

I remember when Gabe was a baby and I was going to school. Zeke was working full-time and also going to school, so Gabe went to my neighbor's for a few hours every other day while I was in class. It nearly killed me the day I came to pick him up and she said he started crawling for the first time.... I missed it. I know, I know, you may think I'm a bit dramatic and over the top maybe, but I just had to be there.

I tried to balance kids and school for awhile. It wasn't too bad -- I was only taking a couple classes at a time. Then, way back in 2002 when Gabe and Zoe were little, I took them to a different neighbor (who, by the way, came HIGHLY recommended by several women in our church group). To this day, it is still hard for me to talk about what happened. Let's just say this woman must have put on a really good front, but she was truly a wolf in sheep's clothing. A very disturbed woman who shouldn't have anything to do with children -- she desperately needed some help.

I came to pick them up early one day as my chemistry lab finished sooner than the regular time and THANK GOODNESS I did! I pulled up in the driveway and could hear yelling even from outside. The lady's door was open and I could hear her SCREAMING at the top of her lungs through the screen door. My kids were IN there with her!

Without knocking, I marched right in and found Gabe and another child crying and cowering in a corner while she continued to SCREAM at them, shaking her fist at them, and just basically freaking out. Let me remind you, Gabe was only 3. What could a 3 year old possibly do to warrant that type of behavior? What could any child really do to justify something like that? I can't even remember what I said to her, I only remember the look of horror and embarrassment on her face. She didn't even try to apologize or explain.

Then, I looked out the sliding glass doors to find Zoe outside banging on them and crying to get in. Her cheeks were red and blotchy with tears and snot all over her as well as the glass door, indicating she had been locked out alone for who knows how long (possibly two hours?) ... she was only one year old. Those images still haunt me to this day.

I took my kids home and held them and cried for hours. I reported her to the police, but I honestly don't know what happened to her. All I know is, I never went back. Definitely not to her or any other type of child care for that matter. I know there are great child care providers out there, but I've had a hard time trusting anyone with my children ever since.

My heart hurts for those women who have no choice. I'm so grateful I found out sooner than later, but for me, I've never been able to justify leaving them in someone else's care to pursue something unnecessary. It's just not worth it.

Wow, this is what I love about blogging. It's so therapeutic for me. When I sat down awhile ago, I had no idea what I was actually going to blog about, other than I felt like I needed to write and get some feelings out. I always have a lot to say. I'll save more for another time.

If anything, I hope this post helps you understand me a little more. I really don't mean to come across so serious and extreme and condemning in my opinions. I truly think what Noelle Pikus Pace has done is inspiring and positive. However, knowing what I know and going through what I have, I try to explain to myself or justify someone else's behavior and sometimes it just doesn't make sense to me. I can't unknow these things or undo my experiences. They are part of me.

Although drastically different, I know my life is just as positive and inspiring as an Olympic athlete. Mothers come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, backgrounds, lifestyles, abilities, and vocations AND they can all be a positive and loving influence on their children no matter how different they are.

“Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle” ~ J.M. Barrie? (there are so many sources giving different credit for this quote, I'm not sure who really said it first, but it's a good one)

All I've got is a photograph...

Okay, so you know the thing I was stressing about last week (#6 to be exact)... well, I survived and it was actually a really great experience. I've been trying to write about it all week and aside from all sorts of craziness around here, it's been hard to put my thoughts down "on paper" so to speak. Just FYI, before you waste 10 minutes reading this post: there are a LOT of links and I LOVE Def Leppard. Okay, you've been warned...

This is my sister, Brenda. She passed away in 2005 from cancer.
(more about her)

Anyway, Zeke and I went to a Def Leppard concert last week with some awesome friends... I still can't quite formulate the words I want to say... I've jotted down several notes to compile later and I think I'm just going to post it how it is and add some "..." like I always do.

It brought back SO many memories. Good and Bad. I think so much of my sister. She took me to a Def Leppard concert when I was 13 (or 14?). The things we said, the things we did -- things we never got to do, things I wish I had said and done. Life will never be the same for anyone who knew her. My life is a new "normal". I can't believe it's been six years... some days it feels like forever and some days (when I was at the concert) it seems like only yesterday.

It was a 3 hour ride into my past... all the feelings were still there under the surface, just like I feared. For a moment, it was like she had died all over again. I will never forget where I was and what I was doing when I received that phone call...

The old songs from the "Pyromania" album, were SO painful and yet, brought back SO many wonderful memories at the same time. Especially, "Foolin", "Bringin' on the Heartbreak", and "Photograph". I can just remember Brenda dancing and singing, "F-F-F-foolin', ah F-F-foolin', F-F-F-foolin', ah F-F-foolin'!" Wow, just like it was yesterday... she was so cute.

Ever since I was old enough to pay attention to music... I knew that my big sister liked rock and roll and she LOVED Def Leppard. "Pyromania" came out in 1983, I was eight years old. To me, Def Leppard WAS Brenda and Brenda was Def Leppard. I know that sounds silly, but I associate so many memories and people with music.

So to go back to Def Leppard without her... the guilt was killing me. I felt like I was betraying her, forgetting her, moving on. I didn't want to forget or let go. It felt wrong to have fun without her. Not to mention my niece, Angee (her oldest daughter), who went with us back in 1988. I never get to see her anymore, she lives so far away.

Def Leppard started with "Let's Get Rocked" -- it was AMAZING to hear the crowd yell as one, "Get your butt right out of bed! Get up and move your sleepy head! Mow the lawn! Walk the dog! Take out the trash! Tidy your room!" I couldn't help but smile. :)

I loved to watch them, everyone was singing EVERY word in unison and having the time of their life! I saw all the people enjoying themselves, being crazy, careless, wild, happy -- but it bothered me just a bit. During the first song, I became sad and really angry and I wanted to yell, "How can all of you celebrate and enjoy this? Don't you know that someone is missing? Someone that should be HERE! Someone who won't go home to their children tonight. Someone who loved me probably more than I loved her. Someone who fought with all she had for 4 years to beat cancer and she lost." I know it seems crazy, but it just wasn't fair. I felt sad that I couldn't feel the joy and reckless abandon like everyone around me seemed to be enjoying. Life was weighing me down, guilt and sadness were overwhelming me....

Those early songs from Pyromania just killed me, but at the same time they were AWESOME. The second song was "Bringin' on the Heartbreak". When they started singing, "Gypsy, sittin' lookin' pretty, the broken rose with laughin' eyes, you're a mystery, always runnin' wild, like a child..." I just completely broke down. That's about when Zeke said, "Honey, turn around, so she can take our picture." I said "NO!" And then I looked up at Zeke and realized he was having a blast just like everyone else, so I turned around and smiled. After all, it was pretty dang AWESOME! I just felt so sad.
They really put on a good show. The whole atmosphere and feeling of the concert was just so happy and celebratory. I enjoyed watching people enjoying themselves and singing out loud as I sang EVERY word in my head and wished I could just let go.... I was SO jealous of those people... they looked as if they didn't have a care in the world.

They also played "Rock On" a song I know (an old song from David Essex, re-done by Michael Damian for the movie "Dream a little Dream" with Corey Haim -- wow, that brings back some memories too!) and for a moment I was okay, kind of like a nice pallet cleanser? It wasn't Def Leppard, it wasn't Brenda, just an awesome concert. I realized the Def Leppard songs are just so tied to her memory. When I spoke at her funeral, I actually talked about Def Leppard and how much they remind me of her.... yeah, I'm sure her Bishop thought I was NUTS. I was that day. Maybe I still am. For the record, Def Leppard sang it better!

Or maybe I just don't know how to let go and forget for a moment... but since Brenda died, I usually only let myself listen to Def Leppard in small doses, a song or two on the radio here and there. Any more than that is just too painful, but to go to their concert and here them play live for almost 2 hours, I think 12 or 13 songs... it was an absolute emotional overload... a FLOOD of emotions. I was completely drowned in memories. I loved it and I hated it. I couldn't wait to go home, but at the very same time, I never wanted it to end. It was almost like nothing had changed.

Then, they sang "Photograph"... oh man, I thought I would burst.

Some Def Leppard trivia for a minute: Steve Clark was the original co-lead guitarist. He died in 1991, of a combination alcohol/prescription drug overdose. It happens to the best of them. Anyway, on the stage behind the band were some huge television screen things and during "Photograph" they showed a really cool slide show of the band all through the years. At the first, they showed many pictures of Steve Clark... they remembered him, they haven't forgotten, BUT they've also MOVED on and found joy NOW. They celebrated his life and the time they had with him. I wondered if some songs bring back painful memories for the band.

I felt like that song was their tribute to Brenda. I know it's crazy, they have no idea who she is or how incredibly awesome her laugh was and how cute her dimples were and how brave she was when she was so sick. Somehow it helped me to come full circle, right there during the concert and heal a little more, I guess. It was so amazing. Zeke kept saying she would want me to enjoy it and I was, really guys, in my own way. It was wonderful!

I'm just so thankful to know that someday Brenda will be resurrected and I can see her again. Well and whole. I'm thankful for my family, my husband, my friends, my health, for surviving my cancer scare, for my kids, for my neighbors who helped me, for you tube, for good fun music. Really! They rocked and they were having SO much fun up there, it's really fun to see people enjoy what they're doing. I forgot to mention that Heart opened for them. They ROCK! It was so fun... ooh, "Barracuda"!:)

It was also good for me to realize I have OTHER memories associated with Def Leppard... "Hysteria" (LOVE this one!!) and "Love Bites". They played both of them (Thank you very much!) Those remind me of Zeke all the way...

They ended with "Rock of Ages"and the drummer Rick Allen, started with the classic, "Gunter, glieben, glauchen, globen". Go ahead and look that up on Wikipedia! It's a great story, thanks for telling me, Sharon. I couldn't help but laugh right out loud and smile and just feel like I was part of the coolest club ever. It was just awesome!

The concert was truly AMAZING. They are still SO talented. Also, for the record, I also have INCREDIBLE, WONDERFUL, AWESOME friends and my hubby, I LOVE YOU GUYS.

I will never forget Brenda. Right now, "All I've got is a photograph" and memories. But MY life is now and I need to enjoy it more. Life goes on whether we want it to or not. It's okay. "Sorry Dad gotta disappear, let's get the ROCK outta here!"

On this Mother's Day...

I am so thankful for my Mom and my mother-in-law and all the wonderful women in my life.

But on this Mother's Day, my thoughts are with those who really want to be a Mommy, like my dear friends, Lora and Shari. I love you and I'm praying for you everyday. You will be the most awesome Mommies ever!

This is a very special picture to me. From left to right: my niece, Angee, held by her mother/my sister, Brenda, and then, my mom, holding me, probably December 1975. My sister and I were almost 18 years apart and my niece and I are only nine months apart.:)

My heart aches for my nieces and nephews whose Mommy (my sister) is in heaven: Angee, Brintton, Brooke, Jake, Jacey, Jaxon... this is for you!
I LOVE YOU ♥

This is my sister Brenda (top right) with all of her children and grandchildren (except for Kyden and Braxtten)

"uphill and smiling" meets "mother of the wild boys"... and NOIRA

Doctrine and Covenants 122:9 "Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands."

First of all, my checkup went really well. I am SO relieved to have it over with! I won't find out the test results until Friday. Thank you all SO much for your prayers and concern. It really brightened my day to hear all of your words of love and encouragement :) I've decided it's good for people to know so they can pray for me! I know there is great power in prayer and I'm so thankful for everyone that has prayed in my behalf.

Mercifully, my checkup went really fast. (waiting and all) Afterward, I ran over to Wal-Mart for a minute to get myself a prize for being such a good patient. (Yes, I was!) I felt so happy just to be done. I really felt the Spirit comforting me and telling me that everything will be okay. I also felt like my sister, Brenda, was there holding my hand and helping me be brave.

As I was coming into the store and getting a cart, I got a little teary-eyed just thinking of my sister and enjoying the peace of the Spirit. I looked up and saw my friend, Shauntae! I love this woman! We had such a good visit. Thanks, Shauntae, for letting me talk your ear off. You are a great friend. I think I hugged her at least 4 times! It was so fun to see someone I haven't seen for awhile and cheer me up after that nasty checkup. I'm so glad it was her.

I spoiled myself with an almond truffle (no picture, but just think CHOCOLATE), I'm a bad girl!

A new clock for the bathroom (our other one stopped working for good):
A 2011 calendar (I always get a funny cat one. Sorry, Dedra):

And a $20 wreath I've been wanting to buy since before Thanksgiving.
It was on clearance for $5! Yeah, by now, I was positively euphoric:

So I picked up Beck from Jessica's and talked her ear off as well. Thanks for listening to me vent, Jessica. I think you are "da bomb" and I love ya! I got her a truffle too. :)

As soon as I got home, I noticed a small black kitten on our deck. Today was just getting better and better! No, seriously, Zeke and I have talked and we decided two cats are enough. But this kitten was ca-yute! I wasn't going to make a big deal about it and I didn't want the kids to see it, but it looked so hungry. Before the kids got home from school, I just took a small bowl of food to the side of the house for it. That was all! I guess it's all my fault, but on Friday night it kept coming to the door and the kids were going crazy over it.
By Saturday morning, we talked/begged Zeke into letting us feed it on the deck. A few hours later, SHE was in the house! The kids were in heaven (I'm included in "the kids" you know). The funny thing was Caspian and Pippin hissed at her a few times and then they were like, "Okay, whatever!" (It's meant to be, right?) And we were all in the kitchen playing together. We spent most of the morning trying to come up with a name for her:
I wanted to keep tradition and go with the name of a character from a book. Luna (Harry Potter) or Piper (The Lost Hero) or Eilonwy (Chronicles of Prydain)... but the kids weren't going for it. They wanted to name her "Blackberry". So we decided to vote on it. Gabe is taking a French class at school and he told us that "noir" means black in French. So we came up with "Noira" and that was our final pick. This kitty is BLACK!
Here's the kicker, I was trying to be a good Samaritan and I called Animal Control to see if anyone had reported a missing cat. You know, if she belonged to someone, it wouldn't be right for us to keep her. Well, I got a surprise! They told me it is against city ordinance to "harbor a stray". I had no idea that would happen. They gave us until 4pm to find the owners or they would have to confiscate her. I was crushed! We finally talked/begged Zeke into keeping the cat and now we couldn't... isn't it ironic? (don't ya think)

We said a prayer that we could find Noira's owners and we called several people in our neighborhood and went to several houses. But no one claimed her. The officer came to get her and everyone was really SAD. He said we need to give the owners a chance to claim her and if no one does after 4 days we can adopt her. I think that's the right thing to do. Well, no one has claimed her yet, but it now costs $85 to adopt a cat from the Humane Society! We are so torn.

I had a dream last night that we went to the Humane Society and they told us we could have her for free because we were so honest and cooperative with Animal Control. It was a good dream until I looked down at Noira and she was just a plastic toy cat... hmm?

When a negative is SO positive

Okay people, my blog is my venting place... it's your choice to read it - or not.

Today I am stressing out big time! I have been stressing every time I look at the calendar and see January 7th looming closer. Much to the chagrin of my husband, I played tetris for over an hour last night trying to get my mind off of today.

Today is my bi-annual visit to my OB-GYN for the dreaded check up. I know most people only go once a year, but I have been going every 6 months for the last 4 years. And in 2006, I went every 3 months. Sounds fun, huh? Nope not one bit.

I really need to go shower or I'm going to be late...

This is my sister, Brenda (during chemotherapy):

She battled stage 4 cervical cancer for 4 years. It metastasized and she passed away in February 2005. She was 46 years old. She was a great sister. She took me to a Def Leppard concert when I was 14. She helped my Mom calm down when I told her I was engaged to Zeke. She was a fighter. She left behind 6 children. Her youngest was only 5 years old when she died. I think of her everyday, but especially on the days I have to go for a check up. She had THE best laugh ever.

In October 2005, I went in for my regular check up and found out I also had the beginnings of cervical cancer "stage 1 dysplasia" (precancerous cells on the cervix). So for the next year and a half, I had to get checked every 3 months and have cryosurgery (think liquid nitrogen). My tests kept coming back positive for cancer cells. I cannot express how scary that is! Especially after seeing what my sweet sister went through.

By 2007, things were looking a bit better for me. I was able to graduate to 6 month check-ups. So here I am. I try to joke with myself and say I'm going in today and see if I can get an extension on my lease -- on life.

I read a book awhile ago about a family with a history of ovarian cancer. It's called "What We Have". It's a really great story, just be aware it has a few "F-bombs" in it. The author talks about living from fear to fear. Waiting and wondering. Hoping for more time. Going to every check up and wondering if today would be the day they tell you the cancer has spread. Or it's terminal and there's nothing more they can do for you. I feel like that author somehow climbed inside my brain and wrote down my personal feelings. That is EXACTLY what it's like.

But I have been blessed! So far, my last 3 check ups have come back NEGATIVE. I'm really hoping for a NEGATIVE today. It would be SO positive. I feel very selfish when I say that I'm not ready to go anywhere yet! I feel even more guilty when I'm stressed out with my children and I just want a break... and then I think of my sister and her children. I should just be grateful everyday.

Now, I don't want sympathy, I'm really okay. It just feels good to write it down. It might be why I'm so serious about things sometimes. I really want to do what is right. I never know how much time I have to prepare. If you ever see me crying during sacrament meeting (certain hymns and things really hit me hard) I am thinking about Brenda and how lucky I am. I find myself praying/bargaining with Heavenly Father, "Please just 6 more months, please let it be negative; if it is, I promise I will do better, I promise I will be better."

"And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." —Ether 12:6

P.S. Thanks to my dear friend, Jessica, for watching Beck. love ya