I don't even know what that title means, but it felt good to type it, so I'm leaving it there. This is not a happy post, friends. You have been warned.
Seriously. I had it all worked out this morning, well, in my head at least. I was going to start a new blog, an anonymous blog. A blog where I could TRULY vent and tell it like it is. I had a really pitiful name for it and dozens of things I couldn't wait to post about. The thought is still swirling, but the fear of someone finding out who's writing all of these horrible "woe is me" and "this just chaps my hide" kind of posts keeps me from doing it. Yep, you can say it, I'm a chicken.
Can you even create an anonymous blog? I'm sure you can... but I'm sure there's a way you can track down the person who wrote it. I don't trust the cyber world.
I didn't know if "wo", was spelled "wo" or "woe", so I googled it. Did you know that "Woe is me" is a is an American Electro Post-Hardcore band from Atlanta, Georgia.??? Wow, I'd better check them out... ha.
Anyway, today is the day I've been waiting for sort of. The day I knew was coming, but I just didn't know exactly when. The last few weeks things have been going so good. All the kids are healthy, we're building a beautiful new home, Zeke has a great job, I have awesome friends and family, life is just so good, right? I kept thinking something bad was going to happen. I'm not trying to be negative or pessimistic (maybe I am and I just don't realize it), but when things are "up" for so long... there has to be a "down", you know, "opposition in all things" and stuff like that. I just felt like I needed to be prepared.
The really terrible thing is nothing earth-shattering or truly terrible has HAPPENED, I'm just having a really bad day. There I said it. You know when you cry a little and you tell yourself, "Okay, chill, the kids are going to worry and your mascara will be ruined." (I tell myself that a lot) Well, today isn't one of those days. Today I cried so much I had snot dripping down my face and there's no trace whatsoever of the mascara that was there at 8am. Yeah. Woe is me.
You know, the thing that really bugs me is someone once said I'm a "woe is me" kind of person. That has been a very hard pill to swallow. I don't think they really know me.... most days I'm really upbeat and fine... and yet, it seems like just under the surface is ME. There's probably some truth to that and that's what makes it so hard. The me that freaks out over "nothing", the me that sometimes I just bite my tongue and put up with stuff so long when I finally can't take it anymore I completely lose it and crumple for awhile. The sad thing is, the "crumple for awhile" seems to last longer than it used to.
Okay, so here's the deal. I had my DUMB yearly visit to the OB-GYN this morning. I won't bother taking the time to link to all of my other posts about that, but I think it's fair to say I hate going to the OB-GYN a bit more than your average woman.
Don't worry, everything "looks" fine. Seriously though, what does that mean? How can your cervix LOOK fine. You know, it bugs me so much, because well, for one thing, I can't see for myself. And if I did, I wouldn't know what to look for. I get SO COMPLETELY freaked out on the days leading up to my check-up and clear until I hear the results back on the pap smear.... and even then I worry if they did it right.
Then, add to that the EMBARRASSMENT. I might be neurotic in this sense, but I HATE that check up! Oh man, I hate it SO bad! I feel so violated. I feel so awful. I hate the random chit-chat the Dr. tries to engage you in while they're basically groping and grabbing and poking and prodding and EW! I can't imagine why I even go... but I know it's important. Blah. It's done. Hopefully for another year.
I thought going to a female OB-GYN would help a little. I don't remember last year being quite so bad, but today was AWFUL. Commence the crying. At least I waited until I got in the car...
And then. THEN! This "building a house" thing. Yes, it's exciting and fun and cool and such a blessing, but it can be SO stressful. So incredibly stressful. It has been part of my every day life for over 7 months now. The builder and realtor and owner of the subdivision DO NOT communicate with each other very well. Sometimes I wonder if they communicate at all. So we end up hearing two or three different versions of everything and we're supposed to magically "know" which is the right one, because: 1) We can read their minds. 2) We've built a house before so we know things.
Well, since NEITHER of those things are true, I almost always feel "in the dark" about stuff. I thought we'd come to an agreement or arrangement of things from here on out. I won't bore you with all of the details before, but basically, I've just wasted about 6 hours of my personal time (which is such a precious thing to begin with). I have got to chill and just let go and chalk it up to experience and just count it towards the whole process.
One person told me to go pick out our flooring wherever, so I did. I thought the other two people knew of this and were in agreement. I mean, as in, I told one of them on the phone this is what I'm doing... Oh my. There are some people that I struggle with. Whoa. I've researched and called and visited several different flooring stores looking for the best quality I can get for the flooring budget we were given. (Which isn't much!) You know, I just feel like people don't listen.
Anyway, now, today, after all of that, I've been told, "No, actually we need to have you go through a specific place and we'll just give you some choices from there..." ARGGGGGHHH!!! Really? You couldn't tell me that a week ago... um, when I asked you? Do you have any idea the time I have spent looking for flooring? The things I could've been doing instead? Yeah, it's all water under the bridge, really. I know. I know. Blah.
Poor me, we're building a house and I wasted time looking for flooring when I didn't need to. It's just so hard. I feel so lost and Zeke is so busy, I feel like I'm basically doing it all on my own. I just want to be done with all the phone calls and emails.
I will say though, I found a really good deal within our budget and I've learned a lot about flooring and about service and people. "All these things shall give thee experience and shall be for they good..."
And then there's the email shortly thereafter stating our leftover budget for upgrades and what we've used so far... um, yeah. The communication thing isn't going so well. I'll spare you the gory details, but we were told we had a certain amount left when in reality that amount is the total amount before any of the upgrades have been deducted. Does that make sense? Basically, even an extra outlet costs $$$ and it just goes up from there. It's been hard to come to an agreement on wants vs. needs with everyone involved. I'll just leave it at that.
We're okay. Our loan amount will cover it, but it's just more. Not just more $$$, but more paperwork with the builders and me feeling like I have to beg them to let me upgrade this or that and apologize all the while. I just want it to be done. I want to unpack all of these boxes and not ever utter the phrase, "Sorry, it's still packed" to anyone EVER again. I'm just so tired.
I just want to say so much more and sometimes I really think it would be great to have an anonymous blog to do all that. But I don't want to dwell on the negative. We are so blessed. I just feel so darn angry some times. Neglected and ignored and overworked and "under-demeciated" and yeah, "woe is me". Did I tell you how ornery teenagers can be sometimes? (Mom, forgive me please, I was THE worst teenager ever!)
Do you ever feel alone? Just SO alone. In a crowd of people. In the middle of your noisy house with all of your family and cats. I still feel so alone sometimes. I'm just so convenient and reliable. I'm not interesting or exciting.
I have this dream of living on a farm somewhere and Zeke and I could be school teachers or owners of a bookstore or bakery or something like that and we could raise chickens and have four-wheelers and well, live right up the street from my Mom. We're just SO busy, but it's a different kind of busy. You farmers correct me if I'm wrong, I could be completely delusional as far as that goes. We're just running everywhere all the time and Zeke is rarely home. It's interesting to see the older kids "need" me less and less. They "want" me less. Oh, I need to stop. I just feel sad today. I think I'm just tired.
I think it's Satan working on me. I'm teaching a YW (Young Women) lesson on Sunday and well, whenever I'm preparing for something spiritual like that, I really get tested and tried as far as my faith and patience and strength to do what I've been asked to do. I'm serving in the Stake YW and I seem to be teaching or speaking at least once a month or more, so I'm feeling much more unsettled and tested than I did in the past. Again, "All these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good... right?"
Did I tell you my OB-GYN was asking about our house and I think she lives down the street from me?? Yuck. There's just some things I don't want people to know about me. Those things. Like, when she sees me now will she picture me naked (and laugh!)??? Oh, gosh. Okay, I'm crying again. Man, that really threw me off today.
My friend and I were watching "Groundhog Day" on Saturday (cool, huh?) and we were just talking about what that would really be like, to live the same day over and over again. She said all you can really take with you is your relationships and your knowledge. I just keep thinking about that. We were getting too deep and I think it was annoying our husbands (Zeke, at least). After all, it is Bill Murray!
I just wish there was more time to invest in things that truly matter. I wish I could change things. I wish things could be more simple. I wish I didn't have to go to the OB-GYN once a year, but I do and it's okay. It could be worse...
We are so blessed in SO many way. I'm amazed. I don't feel worthy of our blessings. We have been so healthy for months now -- that is an absolute miracle.
Today is a day when ice cream or flowers or a good book just won't cut it. I want my Mom. And you know, when I say that, I immediately feel guilty. I think of my nieces and nephew and their Mom (my sister) who's up in heaven. I'm sorry guys, forgive me. My mom is still here, but oh how I wish I could visit her today. I always wonder how you feel on days like this? I hope I can be there for you if you ever need a shoulder to cry on.
Sometimes I wish I was a little kid again. When Zeke comes home from work, all the kids want him and need him. Hugs and help with homework and all that, I think I get jealous sometimes... by the time he gets to me, well, he doesn't. I'm usually in bed before he and Gabe go to bed. They need their Daddy. I need a date!
Wow, I'm a mess. A pathetic baby of a mess today. It's just been lots of things building and then coming to a head all at once. I'm just leaving this up here. I need to put it into words and get it out.
Thanks for the bit of sunshine today: Jessica, Lora, and Shauntae. Your phone calls and texts made me happy. :) Thank goodness for friends.