Tonight I am tired, but Zeke is working late and the kids are in bed. Lots of rambling will inevitably follow... you have been warned!
Well, I'm feeling very random this week. I'm looking at the calendar and summer is almost over. Part of me is happy -- I'm ready for more structure and routine and not so much craziness 24/7 with the kids. (Yes, I'm one of THOSE Moms, start your eye-rolling and tsk-tsk-ing now if you must... whatever!) Part of me is sad too, because I don't feel like we've had enough time (or money) to do all of the things I wanted to.
Summer has been a whirlwind of running from here to there and staying home just long enough to play catch-up on the housekeeping (and just barely at that).
I haven't felt very good this week. Mostly today. My loveliest of lovely friends, Tawnya, brought me some back up: Chips Ahoy cookies and Tim's Sour Cream and Onion Potato chips. Yes, for the record they were absolutely divine! Crunchy, chocolatey, salty, sugary goodness. How did you know I love each of these? Thank you! I think I ate 7 or 8 cookies for lunch (yes, for lunch). Then, I had a couple more when I was fixing dinner. Today was a day I needed some comfort food. Tawnya is SO wonderful. I hugged her even though she's not a hugger. Sorry, Tawnya, I just had to! I tried not to break down crying when I opened the door to see my dear friend. I feel like such a baby lately.
Yesterday wasn't exactly my favorite day. Not the worst by any means, but not my favorite. I almost hit a car as I was merging over into the right lane. Zeke says they were in my "blind spot" and they were too close, but it was SO close. It really threw me off. It scared the ba-jeebers out of me and as we pulled into the gas station, I just started crying. Crying because I'm tired, crying because I was scared, crying because I'm frustrated, crying because I'm sick of paying doctor bills (nearly $500 a month!), crying because I don't know why (I realized today that my hormones are out of whack like they always seem to be every couple weeks).
I'm feeling so down on our financial situation. I'm not feeling as optimistic as I was last year at all. I was reading through last summer's posts and I was a nut! I didn't care if we had $5 to our name and last year, we didn't! I was living on faith and just going with the flow and things were taken care of. This year, Zeke has a new job (a better paying job I might add), but the expenses just keep rolling in. I guess I need to recognize that at least we have enough to pay our bills. I am proud to say we are still not incurring any more debt (other than doctor bills, but who has a few thousand dollars just sitting around not earmarked for something else?) Someday we will, but today is not that day. It's like one step forward and ten steps back.
I've also felt a bit somber this last week. My great uncle Nyals passed away. Then, Norma, one of the sweetest older ladies in my parents ward passed away. These deaths came as "blessings" so to speak. Both of them were very old and their poor bodies were just worn out. To top it off, an older sister of one of my neighborhood friends was brutally shot to death right in front of her own son. She was only 39 years old. Life is short. I am so grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I hope I can become better and better each day so I am ready to meet God when it's my turn to go. Not that I want to go anytime soon. I'm just feeling rather reflective and thankful for Nyals and Norma, but really sad for Tina and her family. I wonder what my kids would say at my funeral? She was tired all the time and cried a lot. Gosh, I hope not! I feel like I'm not living up to my potential each day.
I find myself not accomplishing much these past few weeks. That really bums me out. I look at my house and I just feel more tired. I don't know where to start. When I do, a fight ensues somewhere on another floor of the house. It usually involves Beck and whoever. He is at that age where he's trying to figure out his place in the pecking order so to speak. He wants to be big and do everything the big kids do, but he can't and he knows it, but does it anyway. He spills food every meal, everyday. It's not my favorite thing. He will NOT allow us to sit and watch (and actually hear) a movie. He just can't sit still for that long, even if it's one of HIS movies. Oh, and after a bout of stomach flu, Beck has fallen off the potty-training wagon. Or is he back on? I'm just worn out.
Yesterday, he was sitting at the table coloring and swinging his legs and singing to a made-up tune, "I love my Mommy, she's so cute!" And I proceeded to completely melt right there on the kitchen floor. I wrapped him up in my arms and started crying. (I'm always crying lately)
Why are the hardest things in our lives some of the best things?
Zeke and Gabe made it home safely from Scout Camp on Saturday and I am so grateful. I was missing Gabe SO bad last week. The day before he left I absolutely could not wait for him to go. (Sorry, Gabe!) The incessant teasing, fighting over computer turns, arguments over curfew and chores, and the extremely loveable, somewhat annoying, but ever constant: "Mom, guess what? I'm taller than you!" By Tuesday, I was being a baby, crying some more and wishing I could hear him tell me again that he's taller than me.
Then, last night I watched "Soul Surfer" with Zoe, Kaia, and Zeke. Now, it's not one of the best movies ever made, but the story is really good. The girls loved it, especially Zoe. Even though it's rated PG, Kaia was more than a little freaked out by the shark attack scene. She was up well past midnight crying that she wants to keep all of her arms and legs and NEVER go in the ocean. Oh dear. I must admit I found myself thinking the same thing and even woke up last night from a nightmare about it. (I'm almost 37, by the way. Yeah.)
This girl is AMAZING. Her name is Bethany Hamilton. I love movies and books based on true stories. It had a great message, but I found myself being a little negative about it and then mad at myself because I was. Her family lives in Hawaii and they surf. A LOT. In fact, that's ALL they did. Oh, and they went to church a few times. And surfed and surfed and surfed some more.
My dear husband of 15 years leans over (just as my mind was forming the exact same thought) and says, "What does her parents DO for a living?" "How can they have that much money to live in Hawaii and basically play all day?" I know movies don't show everything, but it seemed to be more than a little vague in that part of the story, if not completely absent. Just wondering.
Okay, so today my kids had to watch the movie 4 MORE TIMES! We got our dollars worth at the Redbox this time! Kaia says, "You know Mom, this movie has really taught me that I should believe in myself and I can do anything I want if I try hard enough!" (She's seven, by the way) Then, she says, "I've decided I want to be a surfer more than anything, but well, since I'm afraid of sharks (no, really?) and since we don't live near an ocean (good point), I'm going to go outside and climb a tree. A really big one." I love what she comes up with. Her take on this movie just made me smile.
Zoe and Kaia have talked about Bethany Hamilton ALL day! I think they'll talk about her for some time to come. Today, they tucked one of their arms in their shirts and were even pretending they only had one arm, just like Bethany. I hope they always remember her story and really believe they can do anything they want to. Well, as long as it doesn't involve oceans. Just kidding. Not really.
I went to the Relief Society Activity for our ward tonight. It was about Education. I was thinking, "Okay, whatever, it's not my time yet." But it was REALLY good. I'll have about 5 hours of "free time" each week during the school year when Beck is in preschool and the older kids are at school. I've been planning to go to the temple one of the days and the other is a free day to do errands, house projects, etc. Just for me. I've waited over 13 years for this. I hope I didn't jinx it. Anyway, one of the speakers talked about the Cache Valley Volunteer Center and I got so excited about it! I'm going to check into it and volunteer a couple days a month. I would like to volunteer at the Literacy Center or the Humane Society.
Anyway, there is no point to this post. I just have so much in my head and it feels good to get some of it out. So I ate about 10 cookies today -- and I didn't get sick at all. Yay, KEFIR! I would be eating more right now, but when I got home from the Relief Society Activity they were ALL GONE. Gabe found them. End of story.