Tuesday, April 19, 2011

So tell me, what does it feel like when you're having a nervous breakdown?!

Okay, have you ever had the feeling like you're treading water FOREVER and your legs start to cramp and you can't breathe and you sink a little and water goes into your mouth and you panic and tread harder and come up a bit and try a little harder, but your legs are on FIRE and you know you can't do this forever.... and then you have 4 (sometimes more) little weights hanging on you, depending on you to hold them up?

I seriously feel like my head is going to explode today...

I am having a hard time with:

visiting teaching.... I was so frustrated on Sunday... I could not stop shaking. I just don't know if I'm cut out for it.

my house... blah.... I can't seem to keep up

my kids, each for very separate reasons...

Beck has to go to the dentist next week for an IV sedation procedure, his teeth are in BAD shape. Yeah, whatever, judge away... I've never done anything different with my other kids and their teeth are fine... I guess if you play Russian roulette, the chances are you'll eventually get shot.

Kaia has a weird mole/growth thing on her tummy that I showed the doctor yesterday and he wants her to see a dermatologist ASAP. I am more than a little freaked out.

Zoe is trying to decide if she wants to share a room with Kaia or NOT. Long story.... a couple years ago we made our basement family room into a bedroom for Zoe to ease contentions with siblings and to make an office for Zeke while he's in school and there was no where else to study - NOW, Zoe and Kaia are in Kaia's room together every second and they beg to sleep together every night AND Zeke just does NOT use his office anymore... so I'm thinking let's reclaim our family room and give us some room to breathe. We spent most of Saturday moving rooms after Zoe BEGGED me and prayed about it and now she hates it! It's been a rough couple of days...

And then there's Gabe... I love that kid... he had a TRULY valid reason, he did, and it all worked out eventually, but he "sluffed" the last 10 minutes of one of his classes yesterday. That's always a fun phone call to get!

Our basement does have wallboard and studs, but I want it finished, it has been that way since 2009... I want to put my bookshelves back downstairs so I can have room to walk in my hallway and bedroom... I just feel so claustrophobic and squishy and overloaded right now.

We are having a big graduation party for Zeke on May 7th and I'm being fussy and I want to get the house cleaned up, but it's not happening. Zeke is so busy teaching his class it doesn't feel like he's really out of school at all... I guess he's getting paid for it at least, but I'm not sure if it's worth it. That day is going to be a HUGE day, two commencements he supposedly MUST attend... and he's planning to go camping with Gabe the YM the night before... YIKES?!

How do you not stress about stuff? Do you ever feel like you just want to throw almost everything in your house away? Do you have most of your income budgeted for doctor bills and future doctor bills? Maybe I just need Spring to come. My cats need Spring to come... they are so fussy and unsettled and so am I.

I am so selfish right now... I stress and look around at all the stuff I should be doing and I just want to lock myself in my closet and read a book! I feel so discouraged... I just want to pause the world and give myself a day or two to catch up. The pile is too big...


  1. My two cents...

    Take a deep breath. Worry about things you need to worry about. Let the other things go.

    You have no control over what is going to happen at the dentist and dermatologist, so don't worry about the problem until there is one.

    Call the temple and put your name in. I called the Seattle temple and your family the prayer roll. (role?)

    Your party will be great either way. The people you are inviting love you and your family and will not judge.

    I got a call from the principal yesterday too. Think of how you'll feel when you remember that phone call in a year or so. In that light, the call I received was actually kind of funny. (I hope yours will be viewed that way too.)

    I guess you probably get the idea. Take a few deep breaths, eat some chocolate and read a chapter of your book in your closet. It will be okay.

    Sorry for another novel.

  2. We have half as many kids and it seems like our house always looks so messy. Conference did not mix well with our kids either. We saw it on the TV but couldn't hear it half of the time between crying and our talkative little guy.

  3. I have so much to say!

    First off, I'm REALLY hoping that my post this morning didn't make you feel any worse. While yes, we have been blessed, we also have our fair share of trials. They just look a little different than some!

    Next: I echo Lora's comments on yesterday's post. If it's come to the point of severe stress, you need to tackle this head on. I don't so much hate confrontation (when I know I'm right, anyway!) but I get how this would cause stress. And that's OK. Stress isn't always bad. Sometimes it's the impetus to get us off our cans and working on what we need to work on. "Get on your knees and pray than get on your feet and work" can apply to much more than just service...

    I'm sorry about Beck. That truly sucks. But it will be fine. You'll get it done and over and move on. Same with Kaia. We have a great derm, should you need a recommendation. Tackle it and move on. Says the hypochondriac that is nervous for her own routine appt this afternoon! Yes, easier said than done, but put that on the action list and turn it over to the Lord.

    GET A BLESSING! I think they are woefully under utilized. Have Zeke give you a blessing for all your concerns right now. At the least, it'll give you a clearer head to prioritize the things you need to tackle.

    I would make Zoe share a room, but I'm pretty mean...I think your sanity in your own home is a higher priority than a child's want. This is an excellent lesson in having her stick out her decision and make the best of it instead of giving in to the whim. Summer is coming...have them at least work it out through summer and then reassess. Without telling them about the reassessment, of course.

    With Gabe...give an appropriate punishment and then let it go.

    The party - clean what you can. Set some goals over the next couple of weeks and then just throw the party. I agree with the comment above. Everyone loves you and just wants to come and celebrate with you.

    With ALL of that said (sorry...you can totally ignore my advice! I'm pushy and opinionated...), I DID just throw out half my house. So much happier. But you know all about my less stuff = happiness quest! And I stress 24/7. I just usually don't let anyone see. I try to pretend I have it all together and save the special crazy for Isaac. And yes. We budget A LOT for doctor stuff. I have stuff always going on. It's not fun.

    As one who OFTEN feels discouraged, I know. I KNOW! I do. So I deal. I make lists of everything I'm worried about / needs done / is discouraging. I pray. I get a blessing. And sometimes, I hide. I take a day and wallow and pout and cry and do nothing and then I'm able to focus and deal a list make and go on with a plan. Take a day. Take an hour. It really is ok. It'll be ok.

    I love you! Do you need me to bring you lunch? Because I will. Happily.

    1. You are so extremely wonderful, Miss Tawnya. I was reading through old blog posts today, looking for inspiration and I found it. Thank you, dear friend.

  4. Hang in there Lacy! I want to throw stuff away, or lock myself somewhere alone on a daily basis. I tell myself two things.
    First: Life won't always be like this. You are in the throes of life with children/schooling/financial obligations, and sometimes it seems suffocating, but it.won't.always.be.like.this. At least that's what I hope. and...
    Second: "It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers."
    — Gordon B. Hinckley
    I figure if President Hinckley had to get out of bed in the morning and say, "It's not as bad as it seems" I can too.
    That being said, life sometimes sucks.
    That is all of the wisdom I am capable of this morning. Hang in there. :)

  5. Lacy:

    This is so what I needed to hear today. I have tears after reading your post and the comments. Sometimes life is HARD. I so agree with what Amber said.

    I read a story yesterday from an old Friend magazine--it was a lady in the primary presidency talking to a little boy who had a hard time sitting in Sharing Time. She said something to the effect of we don't always have to like doing hard things--but we do them because we know it's right. When the Savior prayed in the Garden, he didn't like the pain he was going through, but he did it for us--he knew it was the right thing to do.

    The moral of this whole novel is that when things are hard, we keep doing them anyway. If the Savior could, we can too! Hang in there. Great advice from all your friends too!

  6. This is the first time I've commented on your blog. And more than anything I just want you to know how much I identify with what you are feeling! Lately I want to crawl into a hole and read a book several times a day! I LOVED reading the comments of your friends. They have such good advice! Its so nice to know that so many other mom's have the same struggles. I always look at you and think you have everything put together and perfect. :) You are such a friendly warm person. You deserve a little break, even if its just an hour to yourself. Thanks SO much for sharing!

  7. I think you are going through what I call "Mommy Madness". You clean a spot on the counter and move on to the next spot and someone has already left cracker crumbs where you just cleaned! SERIOUSLY?!?!?! This to shall pass...Even though it seems like it never will!!!! It is okay to feel like this. If you didn't feel overwhelmed at all you have going on I would think you were crazy! I have an idea to help in one aspect...People will read this and judge, but I really don't care because it works and my stress level is lowered. When I want a clean house I pay my son to help me. Yes, there are things he has to do everyday any way...but when I need it to happen NOW and I can't do it all myself I feel no shame in using bribery. It is Spring Break and I am paying Jake $3 an hour to help me. (He is trying to save money right now for a field trip.) We have washed windows, moved furniture and vacuumed, taken down curtains to wash, vacuumed under the couch cushions...etc! All of which we did in 2 hours-$6 is a small price to pay. I say go with bribery to get them to help (I am sure they help anyway but $ is a great motivator). Then, when you are done cleaning, rent them a movie, pop some popcorn, and sneak into the closet and read your book. :) Or better yet make your husband take everyone out for a couple of hours and just breath...You are awesome. :)

  8. Lace,
    My guess is you are scared about Kaia bear, and overwhelmed about company coming especially because it's family. All the other stuff just adds to it.

    I promise you lacy you are capable and you can do anything.

    Max had a scare last Tuesday and had to get a ct scan at Primarys last week on Thursday. I woke up so afraid of the possibilities wed morning that i was just sick. But it turned out fine.

    Lacy, God knows you, he knows your strengths and weakness because HE GAVE THEM TO YOU. Like Father Christmas in Narnia.

    You know that I say this from the humblest of places. We are all in the same place.

    Love you forever,

  9. Wow, people write long comments on your blog. I just wanna give you a giant hug and let you spill out all your troubles. You're doing a great job and it's beyond understandable that you're overwhelmed. I love you tons. It's going to be ok.

  10. Oh Lacy, so sorry to hear you're feeling like this. I feel like this all the time. It's so hard being a mommy and it's impossible to keep up with everything! I feel you! Sounds like you need some time for yourself. And remember, it's okay. You can't do everything. And it's okay. The world won't end, I promise. Feel better, girl!

    Claire @

  11. Here's my 2 cents also... :)

    When I feel like throwing stuff in my house away, I usually end up doing it. I havent felt too bad about it so far.

    I still am paying for dr. bills from last year and will continue probably for the rest of my life. Thank goodness for budget gas and electric plans to keep the utility bills down...

    And the big thing that stresses me out???? Visiting teaching. Yes, I said it. Then I realized it wasnt who I was teaching, but who I was teaching with that was ultimately killing my desire to do my visiting teaching. solution? I asked for a new companion. pretty much fixed the whole issue.

    on to the last chapter of this comment - If you need chocolate - Dedra's sister and my sister in law both live around the provo area and i am volunteering them for chocolate delivery. :)

    Nate always tells me to keep my chins up when I appear overwhelmed or stressed. I just shoot him a death glare (for the use of 'chins') and take a walk or go to the YMCA. That makes me sound superficial - but it works.

    the end.

  12. Whoop dog, that's a huge list!
    I say go out to dinner with your girlfriends....
    But seriously, none of that stuff is life or death.
    Deep breathing. I know how you feel.
    In other news, we heard the band teacher at LOgan high was retiring, we filled out an application but the job's not posted....
    Thought of you when I heard it. :)

  13. Lacy,
    You have some great friends!!! But I still wish I could come over with a bucket of ice cream and we could hide in the closet and eat the whole thing!!! I love you Lace and I hope all is ok! You can call me anytime!

  14. Great advice from everyone above...wise words. And all I have to say....amen, sister. Amen.

  15. Okay, so I just typed a REALLY long comment thanking each of you personally for how wonderful you are and telling you how much I love you and how much I love chocolate. And then, my blog froze up (hmm, maybe my comment was too long) and I lost all of it.

    I LOVE your comments so much. They really helped me today...

    I gotta keep going and doing what I know is right. One day at a time. I feel so overwhelmed and discouraged... but I know with faith I will make it through. And I need to enjoy the good things... seems like there's always another trial just around the corner to make me stronger. I am deeply touched by the love you have shown me. :) I feel so out of it lately.

    Hilary! Please move to Logan, yes, you should.

    LORA, TAWNYA, SHARI, and ALLISON: I LOVE YOU and I am so glad we could get together tonight. Thank you... I really needed it.

  16. I want a pause button!

    And I think I kind of got booted out of visiting teaching. I'm not quite sure if I am relived or insulted.

    Oh, and I totally had typed the perfect response to your last post, the wording was just right and everything and when I went to post it something went screwy and it deleted it. The one I did post just wasn't as good.

    If I have to deal with one more tantrum at my house I may have to throw one of my own!

    And we thought college was hard...

  17. Hugs Lacy. And then hugs again. And then hugs one more time. I think everybody else has said everything that I wanted to say so I just want to ditto their comments. Hang in there love. Things will get better and until they do lock yourself in the closet with your book. :)

  18. Just stumbled across your blog, and enjoyed my visit. :)
    It's funny how badly we view ourselves sometimes, isn't it.
    Because when I read this blog, all I kept thinking was, "Jeepers, this girl is amazing! How does she do all of this?!" So, chin up hun! Cuz you ARE amazing!


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