Conference with a cold and my favorite scripture.

8:30am: Here's my kitchen in all of its horror...

If you could see it in real life you would understand why I'm sitting here typing... it's TRASHED! The other side of the room looks just about the same minus the food. I wanted to take a picture, but my phone is full, of course. Life can be so overwhelming. I can't seem to breathe. (ha! quite literally at the moment)

It was Conference Weekend and I've had a nasty cold since Thursday. Not a good combination. I've spent a lot of time on the couch... blah.

Oh, and just to add insult to injury -- I went outside yesterday for a moment of fresh air and I got stung by a wasp! I haven't been stung by a wasp or bee since I was a little girl! So weird! OUCH! (By the way, lavender oil works great on wasp stings -- the swelling and pain were gone in less than an hour.)

For the record, my sweet hubby and kids have been helpful -- bringing me tissues and cleaning up the house when needed, but last night we just kind of gave up. Zeke offered to clean, but I begged him to sit by me on the couch and watch another movie. This cold makes me feel like a big baby and my brain is so foggy... ugh.

Conference was great. I'm still trying to absorb it all and clarify my feelings and thoughts about some of the talks I would like to post about later. 

One scripture that really stood out to me (I noted 5 different speakers referencing it) was :

Matthew 11:28-30

"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I know I've mentioned on my blog a few times that this is my favorite scripture. 

It is THE scripture. The one that keeps me going. The one that got me going in the first place.

Long, long story, but when I was 18 and completely lost I had a miracle of a thought. To this day, I don't know what made me think it. I do know I'd hit rock bottom in my life and literally there was no way to go but up. I didn't realize this thought would change my life forever.

I thought maybe there was something to this Church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I wanted to find out for sure. I opened a Bible -- you know how people say they just randomly flip to a page and start reading? Well, I did that and came to Matthew 11: 28-30. The words practically jumped off the page at me! Those verses seemed highlighted somehow, like there was a glow surrounding them. Those simple, yet powerful verses changed my life forever. This was my answer. THE answer. I have never looked back.

This scripture has sustained me and strengthened me through the last 20 years, but trials still come. Life is very hard sometimes, but life can also be joyful and rewarding. There is always hope through the Atonement of our Savior. 

Yesterday, Richard G. Scott said something like, "The Lord sees weaknesses differently than He does rebellion. There is justice for rebellion, but for our weaknesses He shows mercy." I needed those words yesterday. I struggle SO much. I get SO mad at myself. I feel SO weak and unworthy sometimes.

I think of 2 Nephi 4:17-21 when Nephi says, "... O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins;"

Then he says, 

"Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions... He hath filled me with His love, even unto the consuming of my flesh!"

We need our Savior to help us overcome our weaknesses. He is THE answer. I have prayed earnestly to overcome my weaknesses and turn them over to Him. I know it's a daily battle and a lifelong process. I know I can't do it alone. I know in whom I have trusted.

Another quote from Conference (I think it's from Timothy Dyches of the Quorum of the 70):

"All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Christ."

One of my favorite talks was by Richard J. Maynes of the Presidency of the 70. It really brought me hope and comfort and... wow, the word that came to mind was vindication (for me, at least).

He said something like, "We need to develop spiritual stamina in order to find inner peace and strength to endure whatever challenge we wake up to each morning."

I appreciate so much that he acknowledged that some trials don't end. Some trials are with us throughout our earthly life. Many people face horrible and unthinkable and unbearable trials they are able to overcome through the help of our Savior and because they eventually end. (Like being out of work or recovering from a serious accident or illness). They get through it. It's an event in their life, not a way of life.

What about people that just have to endure? Their trial is ALWAYS there and most likely always will be. For some, it is reality. We need to have compassion and understanding for those people. Those people need to have compassion and understanding for themselves. (I'm talking to myself right here.) It's so hard, because some trials people face are invisible to others. Trials you can't actually "see" on the outside or maybe not realize how hard it is for them or what they are truly going through.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, "If the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and BE STRONG!"

I honestly loved that and "hated" it at the same time. It stung me (and it was supposed to). I faltered because of my weaknesses. It sounds too hard. I want a reprieve sometimes. It's hard to be strong! I truly appreciated his talk and related to much of it -- but it made me realize I need to accept my trials and not compare myself to others, to "come what may and LOVE it". (from Elder Wirthlin long ago)

I know the Lord knows exactly what we are going through. He understands fully and He can truly see everything. He loves us no matter what. I find great comfort in that eternal truth. I hope I can be strong enough to "drink the bitter cup" and keep going and even "LOVE it". 

One day at a time ... sometimes for me, it's one hour or even one moment at a time. I've come to realize that is what enduring is. We can't be perfect now and we certainly can't be perfect and happy every moment, but little by little we can keep going forward doing our best. That's all He asks. It is enough.

"Grace for Mother Duck and Me" -- my wake-up call

I should be vacuuming and cleaning the litter boxes right now... really. It's on my list today, but for *some* reason it just doesn't sound very enjoyable. Hold on, readers, this is a LONG one!

Sometimes we all have to take a minute (or 12) and do something good for ourselves. Breathe. Think. Type. Relax. I've been running on empty the last week or so. What a blur! School is in full force. Late nights, early mornings, schedules and deadlines, school lunch and homework. You know it's crazy, but I really do like most of it. I think. Today I do.

I've had a LOT of experiences these last couple weeks to help me learn patience, compassion, humility, forgiveness, charity, and love. I wonder if I'll every really figure things out.

This was a rough draft post I started last week, but never finished:

"Why is life so hard? Yeah, I know that sounds really dramatic. I know most people would look at my life and say, "What's your problem, whiner?!?!?!!" (And they might be true -- sort of.) The fact is, most people don't share what their life is REALLY like. Their inner struggles and day to day problems. Weaknesses that I can never seem to get over. Problems I always seem to find myself in. When will I ever learn?"

Life really isn't that bad -- I was just having "one of those days" -- I always seem to think every little upset in my universe will be irreversible and permanent. I don't like that about myself. It's rather exhausting.

I'm so thankful for second chances and prayer and being able to talk to people. We had some serious issues with some of Gabe's friends a couple weeks ago and I'm so glad things are calming down. I'm thankful for time. Time to think and time to heal. What I thought would be devastating with long-lasting consequences, ended up being something rather trivial, but something that brought Gabe and I closer together. He was more mature and patient about the whole thing than I was. I wish I could say more, but he has asked me not to.

I had another very "silly" incident with a friend and some unspoken rules and well, after some awkward moments of disagreement, we both ended up laughing when we realized where the other person was coming from.

And then again with some more of my children's friends and their parents....

One thing's for sure: this world is full of all sorts of people. No two people act or think exactly alike. Yet, why do we always look at someone and think they are just like "so and so". Do you know what I mean?

I read this great little story last week in the throes of the constant "Is it ME or THEM?" doubts in my mind:

Let me just preface this by saying (because I'm so ridiculously childish and prideful, I guess) that I don't agree with the author judging the mother duck -- she doesn't know any better. That part, I just didn't get. Poor Mother Duck -- where is she SUPPOSED to walk her ducklings amidst all the subdivisions and humans taking over all of the undeveloped land?? That's another blog post entirely.

However, I TOTALLY understood what she was saying, because I have wrongly judged SO many women SO many times. I was truly ashamed when I read this. I have been there. I know how she feels. She's better than I am, really, only to judge a duck's misguided actions, rather than a person. Sometimes, they don't know any better either. I should have as much natural compassion for other people as I do for some random duck! But alas, I am a strange girl.

Have you ever looked at someone and thought, even for a moment, 
"She doesn't deserve to be a mother." 
Well, read on:

(photo from National Geographic)

From the August 2013 Ensign:

Grace for Mother Duck and Me by Rosie Kaufman

One spring afternoon I was packing my car to begin shuttling my five young children to and from lessons and practices. As I loaded soccer cleats and dance bags, I noticed a mother duck and her ducklings waddling down the sidewalk of our suburban neighborhood.

As I watched, she began to cross the road. Unfortunately, she chose a gutter grate for her crosswalk, and as she passed over it, her babies followed. Four of her ducklings slipped helplessly between the bars of the grate.

When the mother reached the other side, she realized she was missing some of her little ones and could hear their muffled peeps. Totally oblivious of her mistake, she crossed back across the drainage grate, looking for her missing ducklings and losing two more. With horror and some disgust at her poor judgment, I went to the grate to see if I could lift it. Although I used all my strength, the grate barely budged, and I was late to pick up one of my kids.

Figuring I would have to fix the situation later when I wasn’t so rushed, I hopped in the car while muttering self-righteously, “She doesn’t deserve to be a mother.”

During the next hour and a half, I made many of my recurring parenting mistakes. These are mistakes I have begged forgiveness for many times from both my children and my Father in Heaven. Each time I resolve to do better and not to fall prey to these weaknesses again. When I snapped at one of my kids for teasing another, my words echoed loudly in my ears, “She doesn’t deserve to be a mother.”

Suddenly I felt overwhelming compassion for that mother duck. She was trying to navigate the world with the instincts she was given, just as I was. But sometimes those instincts simply weren’t enough, and it was our children who suffered.

I resolved to get the grate off somehow and lift the ducklings out. As I rounded the corner to our street, I saw a small group gathered. My neighbor had lifted the grate, climbed inside the drainage tunnel, and was gently lifting the ducklings out to safety. The frightened little birds scrambled to find their mother, who was pacing nervously in a nearby bush. She hadn’t asked for help, but my neighbor had stepped in when her protection was simply not enough. I was overcome with emotion as I thought of the Savior doing the same for my children and me.

Sometimes we come up short, even when we have the best intentions and try our hardest. However, the Savior’s “grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before [Him]” (Ether 12:27). It comforts me to know that my shortcomings will not ruin my children and that they will be the recipients of love, peace, understanding, and grace from our Savior. He “reaches my reaching”¹ and wants my family and me to succeed. Our shortcomings will not prevail when we humble ourselves and stand with the Lord by our side.

I really love this story. I mean, I'm a HUGE animal lover, if you didn't know, so I was crying tears of joy when all the ducklings were returned safely to their worried mommy. But it really helped me feel more compassion and understanding for others. Actually, I feel like it was a great big (loving!) slap in the face from my Heavenly Father saying, "Lacy, stop being so MEAN! Stop thinking everyone is so wrong and take a look in the mirror. I love you and I know your struggles, but others are struggling too. Help them, don't judge them."

We do NOT know what others are going through. We cannot judge anyone because we don't have all of the information. We can never truly understand why someone does something. Sometimes my greatest struggles are on the inside and I always wonder what other people are truly going through when they act a certain way or say something I think they shouldn't have or whatever. 

I don't know who said it, but I love the quote that says something like: 

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

We're all in this together (yes, I did get that from High School Musical, if you must know)! But we really are and I want to try harder to help and lift others -- even when they might not return the favor. 

I feel like I am being tested to the limit lately in terms of my capacity to love and to serve and to have patience for others. I often wonder what the future holds...

I'm so thankful for a loving Father in Heaven who judges me perfectly and is always there to help me be better and make up for my many shortcomings.

P.S. I know I've already told you about the FlyLady, but I'm going to tell you again, because she makes me happy! :) If you feel overwhelmed with your life and your house is in total CHAOS... go to her site IMMEDIATELY, sign up for the emails, and start to FLY! It's been such a blessing in my life.

Christmas Magic

I was so excited during the weeks leading up to Christmas: decorating our little apartment, wrapping presents, baking goodies, reading Christmas stories each night, watching our favorite Christmas movies... I love it all.

The kids got out of school a few days before Christmas and I couldn't be happier. This year has been really crazy. Driving 4 kids to 4 different schools each morning has been insane... I can't seem to get anything accomplished, so I was really looking forward to the break. Just to chill and not drive everywhere all day and tell my kids a thousand times, "Time to get up, let's go, get in the car, we're going to be late, do your homework, go to bed!"

We live in the center of town where it's considered "walking distance" to all of the schools, so there are no buses to pick up my two older kids. Just to catch you up -- we sold our house and moved into an apartment the end of June. 1000 square feet, 6 people, 3 cats, yeah. But it's a actually good thing. We're building a house and it's supposed to be finished by March 1st, so I can almost see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, this is our first move in 9 years. I was really comfortable where we were. I knew everyone in our neighborhood and ward (church group). It was home. Exciting as the thought of building a new house may be, it has been quite an adjustment for all of us. We've been attending our new ward since we moved.

The new ward is nice enough, but it's new. I've really tried to get to know people and yet, I look around and I feel like I hardly know anyone.  We went to church the Sunday before Christmas and I was just feeling so sad. Walking into sacrament meeting, I felt like a total stranger. We sat down and saw so many people -- most of whom we didn't know, families that came to visit other ward members -- I had no idea who was who for that matter.

Anyway, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself... feeling sad that we moved... missing our old ward and neighborhood and friends... feeling very alone and hoping our Christmas break would be happy and relaxing. I've decided that moving is sort of like losing someone you love. Things will never be the same. You see or hear something that reminds you of your lost loved one or your old neighborhood and a flood of memories come back. It can be so overwhelming you feel like you will burst and no one really truly understands how you feel. No matter how wonderful your life is now, there's still something missing. Something that can never be replaced. It's a new "normal".

Sunday was bittersweet. New friends and cheerful smiles, a beautiful Christmas program -- but those familiar faces I've known for so long, those knowing smiles I'd come to rely on, the Christmas programs our ward did, the inside jokes, the special connections, and touching stories that bound us together for 9 years -- it just wasn't the same. That Sunday I couldn't figure out for the life of me why I chose to walk away from all of that. Familiar. Comfortable. Easy. My heart ached to go back, but really, there's no going back. Ever. It will never be the same. I look in the windows of our old home and see warm lights and happy smiles... but it's a new family. That life is gone.

I sound crazy. I know! We chose to leave. We felt like it was time to move on and bring our family closer together for many different reasons. We're so excited about our new house. REALLY. This year, however, I've truly realized it doesn't matter where you live. It matters what's inside you and what you do together as a family WHEREVER you live.

So after sacrament, I had agreed to substitute in nursery with the 3 year olds. I have to admit, I wasn't really looking forward to it. Since moving, I've been asked to sub in Primary (children's classes) a lot. It feels like every Sunday I'm there I'm substituting. I know I could say no, but that's just not me. I know they need help. Anyway, I feel like I haven't gotten to meet very many ladies in our ward because I never get to go to Relief Society. Blah blah blah, whine whine whine, I know. Nine years is a long time. I got really comfortable in our old ward. I knew everyone and everyone knew me. It's just going to take some time.

Nursery ended up being wonderful. The other lady helping in the nursery was so nice and friendly -- it means a lot. The children were adorable. We got to take them into Primary with the older kids for awhile to help them adjust since they would no longer be in nursery starting in January. They were so nervous. They didn't even know me and they held my hand so tight. A few of them had tears in their eyes and told me they wanted to go back to the nursery.

Everyone in the Primary was so excited to have the little nursery kids there. They were so friendly and they had fun songs and games for them -- but the nursery kids were afraid. They wanted something familiar and comfortable and easy. I knew just how they felt! My heart filled with love for these sweet little children. The rest of my Sunday was filled with serving and giving and understanding -- I wasn't feeling sorry for myself anymore. Substituting in nursery that day had been a gift just for me. A tender mercy from a kind and loving Heavenly Father. I loved nursery so much I offered to substitute the following Sunday! :)

Christmas was absolutely magical for me this year. I woke up on Christmas Eve feeling kind of depressed and stressed and blah. Not really sure why -- just a lot going on. I was wishing we could be with family -- we visited our parents for Thanksgiving and decided we would stay home for Christmas. It was snowing like crazy -- I was bummed thinking about our house that is waiting to be shingled and how many more weeks the storm will set us back. I was stressed -- Zeke and I were trying to deal with various issues with our children and it's just very emotionally draining and hard not to wallow in it sometimes. I was tired -- I remember curling up with the family to watch "Elf" around noon and I fell asleep for a bit. I hardly ever sleep in the middle of the day. Not sounding very magical, is it?

Okay, as a family, we like to pick someone to do the "12 days of Christmas" for each year. If I remember, I'll do a blog post about what we actually do -- it's very inexpensive and really fun. Anyway, the person we chose was someone we didn't know very well --  a man who lives by our apartment. He lives alone and well, all six of us wanted him to be the one for various reasons. So that was definitely a great experience -- anonymously leaving treats and gifts on his doorstep each night for eleven nights. We hoped it would bring him some Christmas cheer.

Christmas Eve was the last day. On this day, we all go as a family and introduce ourselves and give the final treat. I was still feeling blah and it was still snowing. We bundled up around 3pm and trudged over to his apartment. He was SO thrilled to finally learn who had been leaving all of the treats. We had met him previously this fall so it was fun to chat and get to know him better. It was then I noticed a little bit of happy creep into my heart, a little less blah -- I was thinking about someone else besides myself.

Directly in front of his apartment is a narrow alleyway on a fairly steep hill. By this time, the snow was at least 6 inches deep and there were no snow plows in sight on Christmas Eve. We ran back over to our apartment, bundled up a little more, grabbed our sleds, and raced back to the alley. It was awesome!    The alley was great: not too fast, not too bumpy, and all to ourselves. It was then I realized I was smiling and laughing AND that I had been for quite awhile.

The man we had just visited came outside and visited some more while we sledded and watched the kids.  He told us more about him --  both his parents had passed away, he was divorced twice, and his kids were grown and married and really didn't visit him much. It's almost as hard for me to type that sentence as it was for me to hear him say it. I can still see his face and the ache I felt in my heart. I wish I could tell you more about him, but I don't want to get too personal.

We had a really good visit and I just knew we needed to invite him over for Christmas Day to eat dinner with us. I looked at Zeke and I knew he was thinking the same thing. So we did. He said he might come. He was invited to his brother's house a couple hours away, but with the storm he wasn't sure if he wanted to travel that far. We encouraged him to come over and hang out with us.

We came in from sledding way past dark and I seriously felt like a little kid again. I can't remember the last time I've felt quite that way. It was truly magical! What a simple thing -- taking treats to a neighbor and spontaneously going sledding on an empty street. Later, we opened our traditional Christmas Eve present (or two or three -- thanks Grandmas and Grandpas!) The kids were excited about their presents, but they kept mentioning how much fun it had been to go sledding and how excited they were to have our new friend over for dinner the next day.

We read the account of the Savior's birth from the Bible and somehow got the kids in bed (notice I didn't say ASLEEP). Christmas morning came bright and early as Beck woke up at 5am wanting to know "did he come? did Santa come?" I think we got everyone up and ready to go around 6am. We opened presents and it was crazy. (I'll save that story for another day.) Anyway... it was mostly good.

After breakfast, I started fixing our Christmas Dinner. We planned to eat at 3pm and there was lots to do. Everyone pitched in and at 2:55, the table was set and ready, so I went to the bathroom to freshen up a bit before dinner. While I was in the bathroom I heard the doorbell ring. A wave of butterflies surged through my stomach -- he's here! I wasn't sure if he would really come. I was nervous, but excited.

We had a great dinner. He was so grateful and kind. He was really interesting to talk to and the conversation just seemed to flow. He kept complimenting our children on their good manners (what the? yeah, it was a truly magical day in many ways). He stayed for a few hours and I felt like it was one of THE best Christmases I've ever had. We talked a lot about our beliefs and membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He is also a member of our Church.

My heart ached for all that he has been through and all that he is going through. Suddenly, my "trials" and "troubles" seemed so incredibly trivial and even foolish and shameful. I tried to empathize with him, but I found myself flailing over every word I'd try to say. He was so happy just to have someone to spend Christmas with and I felt ashamed for feeling so crowded and overwhelmed with my little family sometimes. He has so many health problems and I felt so grateful to realize how healthy we really are and what a blessing that is.

Without any fancy presents, parties, or plans, and basically a "stranger" at our table, I felt closer to the Savior this Christmas than any other Christmas I can recall. I felt His love for me and my sweet little family. I felt His love for this kind man. I felt JOY. I don't know how to describe it, but joy is different from happiness. It is more than happy. It floods your entire mind and body with peace and fulfillment and hope and love. It's the true Spirit of Christmas.

This feeling set the mood for our family. Again, this is not like other Christmases. We're usually all sick and fighting most of the time. We have been SO blessed for Zeke to have two weeks vacation from work. It's been so cold and it has snowed so much, we haven't really gone anywhere. Quite simply, we have spent time together. The clock has literally come to a stop and it has been the most wonderful Christmas, here in this tiny apartment.

Just being together. No plans, no running around, no expectations, no fevers, no doctor visits, no alarm clocks, no homework, no schedules: just playing, cooking, eating, watching movies, building with Legos, taking pictures, laughing, playing video games and board games, singing, dancing, thinking, talking, reading, napping, cuddling, living, being. There is no price tag on the gifts I have received.

Lifting Burdens: The Atonement of Jesus Christ

This is just what I needed today. I love the part that says, "Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever." I'm grateful to know that I can't do it all in one day and Heavenly Father will forgive me for my imperfections (and they are MANY). I'm so thankful to wake up each morning and have a new day to try and be better. I know the Savior can heal all wounds -- physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual -- He has atoned for them all.

Feed My Sheep

I'm not too sure about this "Monday Musings" thing. My mind is ALWAYS so full. I have a lot to say and I often wonder if any of it is relevant to anything...

We had a really good weekend. Lots of reading, relaxing, watching movies, and spending time together. I love Saturdays when there is nothing scheduled. They are rare at our house and I am determined to make them happen more often. Zeke replaced some old panels on our bathroom vanity. Thanks, honey! We made crepes, chocolate chip cookies, banana bread, and fried chicken. We visited the library and also had a "hair-cutting party" (Kaia's words). I forgot to take pictures (I know), but I was busy cutting hair! Zoe and Kaia wanted bangs. Gabe wanted his hair "buzzed" (Zeke did that).

Anyway, I've been thinking all week about what I wanted to post today.  Zoe and I read an article in the New Era (church magazine for our youth) yesterday called, "Bees, Beehives, and You" by Annette Murray Wells and Stephen A. Wells. (P.S. If you don't know, I LOVE insects, so I was instantly drawn to this article simply because of the title. Bees are amazing... and so are WOMEN!)

 I found this quote: "One woman is HELPFUL; ten women are INFLUENTIAL; one hundred are POWERFUL; one thousand are INVINCIBLE." ~ Ardeth G. Kapp

Wow! That quote is so profound and empowering; it makes me wonder what we could do if we all work together? I love blogging and I want to make a difference in the world. Even if my actions affect just one person, that person can share what they know with someone else and so on. I enjoy so many of your blogs and I want you to know that you are making a difference in my life.

Yesterday at church, I heard this scripture and I just can't stop thinking about it:

John 21:15-17: "(15) So when they had dined, Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my lambs. (16) He saith to him again the second time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep. (17) He saith unto him the third time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, Lovest thou me? And he said unto him, Lord, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love thee. Jesus saith unto him, Feed my sheep."

I am a member of The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-Day Saints. All that I am and hope to become, I owe to my Savior, Jesus Christ. He is the life and light of the world. He is The Reason. I love him and want to answer His call to: "Feed My Sheep".  I have added two more pages to my blog: "The Living Christ" and "Articles of Faith" to help you learn more about my beliefs. Please ask me ANY questions you might have.

I love January. I love the feeling of a New Year. I also LOVE the sunshine we've been having. There are so many things I want to do. I want to pace myself and be good to myself in some ways, but I also want to challenge myself and push myself to accomplish goals I have only dreamed about. I love the scripture found in Alma 26:12: "Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in His strength I can do all things..." :)

I'm already feeling the pinch of my "NO SHOPPING" challenge... I'm going to need some HELP.

The Real Deal

I woke up in a funk the other morning. Around 4am I had a nightmare about my Dad... I just couldn't seem to shake it all day long.

Things got to me all day, that feeling again like I don't fit in, I'm a terrible mother, a terrible person, a failure.
Life is too hard, things are too sad and scary and HARD.

Did I mention that life is hard?

Stressed, anxious, depressed, scared.

I just wanted to be home with my kids.

I came home and read some scriptures, helped fix some of the girl's Polly Pocket dresses (no small task), helped Beck make a track for his car, moved all the pictures around on my wall and added some more, made dinner, just going through the motions really. I just felt sad and lost today.

Zeke came home tired and stressed too. We couldn't wait to get the kids to bed. I came downstairs to find Zoe starting the movie, "The Other Side of Heaven". I love this movie. I love the Tongan people (and I love Anne Hathaway). Most of all, I love the message. I felt the Spirit so strongly.
My heart needed it.

I couldn't find the exact quote, but I love the part after the storm and they all make it to shore and one of them says sometimes the Lord calms the storm and sometimes He calms the sailor. I've heard that many times before, but then Elder Groberg says, "and sometimes He just lets us swim." Isn't it true? I know that God loves us and helps us, but sometimes I think we have to work things out ourselves so we can learn and grow and exercise our faith.

My favorite quote that brought me peace, "There is a connection between heaven and earth. Finding that connection gives meaning to everything, including death. Losing that connection makes everything lose meaning, including life."

I am convinced the only thing in this world that brings any peace to my troubled heart is The Gospel of Jesus Christ. I feel better because of the truths I was reminded of that give me hope for a better day and faith in an eternal family. It's the real deal!

I invite all of you, especially those members of my family who don't have this peace in their lives, to come unto Christ. ALL of you.
Pray to know if this Gospel is true.
I know that I haven't been the best example every moment of my life, but I know this church is true and I am forever grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ that makes it possible for me and for everyone to repent of their mistakes and try to become a better person each day. A change of heart. We have the opportunity to be Eternal Families and live again with our Father in Heaven in peace and love because of His Son.
"I tremble to know that for me He was crucified.
That for me, a sinner, He suffered, He bled, and died..."
("I Stand All Amazed", Hymns #193)

"Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end"

Be Still My Soul, Hymns #124

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy Heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

I heard this hymn this morning as I was getting ready for church. The words are so powerful and comforting. God is real. He lives. He knows us and loves all of us. We are His children. I am so thankful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and for this beautiful hymn. It has spoken to my heart this weekend and given me peace where I didn't think I could find any. Miracles have come to pass. I know that God hears and answers our prayers. Thank you and I hope you know who you are.

I wanted to re-post a beautiful quote from Mother Teresa. It helps me keep going in spite of opposition. I hope we can all see the good in others.

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.

Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.
Give the best you have and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway."
— Mother Teresa

I've walked where Jesus walked

A lady in my Mom's ward read this poem in sacrament last time I was there. I loved it so much I asked her about it afterwards. The very next week my Mom sent me a copy and said "Linda wanted you to have this." Thanks, Linda!

If I could go to Galilee and walk where Jesus walked

And sit in tender grasses on the hillside where He taught;

If I could feel the gentle breeze that lifted from the sea

where He chose the humble fisherman, how full my heart would be.

If I could sit and ponder on a rock that knew His hand,

or walk along the seashore where His feet had touched the sand;

My spirit yearns within me, but it doesn't seem my fate,

I'll never walk where Jesus walked,

I'll never see... But wait,

I've worshiped in His temple where I know He's walked before,

Have His feet been down this hallway?

Have His fingers touched this door?

Has He stood here in this very room and looked at what I see?

In the beauty of His temple, I can feel His love for me!

I close my eyes and picture Him... my worries melt away.

I don't need to go to Galilee or travel far away.

For my tender heart is filled with what He wants me to be taught

And my testimony burns within me... I've walked where Jesus walked!

written by Carma Salveson
Tremonton, Utah August, 1997

I just want to wish all of you Happy Easter and tell you that He LIVES!

Doctrine and Covenants 76:22-24 "And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony last of all, which we give of him: That he lives! For we saw him, even on the right hand of God; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father—That by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created, and the inhabitants thereof are begotten sons and daughters unto God."

Our Savior, Jesus Christ, is the only reason I survive in this crazy world.
I love you all and hope you feel peace in your life because of Him. :)

Because He Lives!

Remember one of my New year's resolutions was to join the ward choir? Well, I did and the blessings are tremendous. I am no fabulous singer by any means, but the music is SO beautiful and I love the people in our choir. It's so fun!
Right now we are practicing a song we are going to sing on Easter Sunday. It was written by Sally Deford. She's from Colorado Springs, so she must be cool! I found a sound bite here . It is so amazing... I can't even sing it, I just sit there and listen to everyone else and cry. This song just keeps going through my head over and over. What a blessing! I am so thankful for our Savior, Jesus Christ. I know He lives and He loves us.

"Because He Lives"
by Sally Deford

Because He lives; because He rose in mighty triumph from the grave
I put my trust in Him, and seek to follow Him in faith
Because He lives

Because He lives, I shall find strength to stand against the tempter's power
He is my refuge and defense in every troubled hour
Because He lives

Chorus:
Because He lives, I can bear whatever burden may be mine
I am encircled in the arms of love divine because He lives
Because He lives, He will banish every shadow of my pain
Every sorrow will be swallowed up in Him
For in His hand is healing for the weary soul
This I know because He lives

Because He lives my heart is filled with peace amid a world of fear
And through the blindness of the night, in Him I rest secure
Because He lives

Because He lives there is no task so great that I cannot endure
I bear no heartache that His tender mercy cannot cure
Because He lives

(Repeat chorus)

Because He lives I will fear no darkness
Because He lives I will walk in light
Because He lives I will praise His kindness
Because He lives hope shines ever bright
Because He lives I will seek His righteousness
Because He lives I'll follow where He leads
Because He lives I shall conquer even death
And I shall live because He lives!

Because He lives I will rejoice in Christ and glorify His name
And with the willing voice of gratitude proclaim: My Savior lives!
Because He lives He will banish every shadow of my pain
Every sorrow will be swallowed up in Him
For in His hand is healing for the weary soul
This I know, because He lives

I am really looking forward to conference this weekend.

Happy Sunday!

My blog friend, Hilary, posted this and I enjoyed it so much I wanted to share it with you :) I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I love the Spirit of hope it brings to our lives. And I love the youth of our Church.

Here's the skinny...

NO, this isn't Cindy Brady. This is me when I was about 5 years old.
Kinda cute, huh?

I've been wondering at what age do we stop thinking we are cute?
I was eleven years old. Middle school and puberty can be brutal.
What happens to our self-image? Why are we so hard on ourselves?

This post is probably going to be "blog suicide", but John Mayer sings, "Say what you need to say" right? Okay people, I have some things on my mind that need to be said. And if I offend you, that's not my intent. Please, don't let yourself be offended.

I really appreciated my friend, Stephanie's, post yesterday. I'm relieved to know other people feel the same way I do. When I'm driving on I-15 through Salt Lake and Provo, I feel completely bombarded with offensive and crude billboards advertising plastic surgery and liposuction and such. I don't want to see it and I don't want my children to see it. The media makes me feel like I'm not good enough in any way, shape, or form. Literally.

Why do women feel so pressured to look perfect? Why do so many women in Utah feel that way? Honestly, I feel that way sometimes too. I hate feeling that way; I know it is Satan working on me, trying to bring me down and keep me from focusing on what is really important.

1 Corinthians 3:16-17 "Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are."

There's a really cute story in the February 2011 Friend called "Beautiful" (page 44). I don't think it's online yet. We read it during FHE last night and I hope my girls got something out of it. I did. I'm almost 36 years old and I still struggle with feelings of low self-esteem. But I've noticed that when I'm consistently reading my scriptures each day, serving others, saying my prayers, and all the little things we're supposed to be doing, I don't feel so bad about myself. For me personally, I also find if VERY important to stay away from media that sends me the message that "I'm ugly" (This can be very hard to find in today's world.)

Speaking of the word "ugly", isn't that an awful word? I don't know about you, but I do NOT allow that word to be said in my house about anything. I think it is very derogatory and harmful. On Sunday during sharing time, a little girl said loud enough for all to hear, "Ooh, look at the girl, her face is SO ugly!" I was horrified to say the least. I don't know who she was talking about nor did I turn around to see. I told her that isn't nice to say and she responded, "Well, it's true." What are we teaching our children?

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland says in this amazing talk, "I plead with you young women to please be more accepting of yourselves, including your body shape and style... In the kingdom of God, the real you is 'more precious than rubies' (Proverbs 3:15)." I know this includes all women, regardless of our ages. I also know we must be more accepting of others.

Are we judging others simply based on their appearance? I had a very interesting experience last week. I have a very good friend who has been my friend since the moment I met her over 7 years ago. I don't know if she reads my blog, but if you do I LOVE YOU! And I hope you don't mind me sharing this story. We went out for ice cream the other night and I noticed several people staring at us (not in a nice way). I don't know how to say this without offending anyone, but my friend really struggles with her weight, mainly from health problems. I don't know if they were staring at me or her, but I could feel my face get hot and my heart start to pound. How dare they judge?! They don't even know us! It was very awkward and I never realized how rude people can be. I felt sorry for my dear friend and I wish other people knew how funny, smart, and beautiful she is! People are so quick to stereotype and ostracize others who look different.

Please, dear blog friends, as small as it may be, I have something I want to get off my chest! Now I know exactly what you're going to say, because I've heard it all before, but I have felt severely ostracized and even ridiculed just like my friend. You see, I have been "blessed" some people might think ... and again how do I say this without offending? Well, I don't really struggle with my weight. And there's nothing special about me other than I have a lot of health problems that prevent me from gaining weight. I know some of you may be thinking "Oh, poor baby, I wish I had your problems!" Well, I'll trade you and see what you think! I don't feel very good most days and it's a real slap in the face when someone "wishes they were like me".

You never know why someone looks the way they do; big or small or somewhere in-between. Don't assume anything. Think before you speak. Do people have to be the same size in order to be friends? No way!

I cannot tell you how many people; so-called "friends" and even complete strangers, have walked up to me and said this, "You are so skinny, I hate you!" I know that sounds silly, but it's cruel. Would you ever walk up to someone and say, "You are so FAT, I hate you!"? No one would EVER say that. Think about it.

This is one of the best talks ever. I know that President Monson is inspired. I really like this quote: "Charity is having patience with someone who has let us down. It is resisting the impulse to become offended easily. It is accepting weaknesses and shortcomings. It is accepting people as they truly are. It is looking beyond physical appearances to attributes that will not dim through time. It is resisting the impulse to categorize others."

I love this quote from Sheri L. Dew: "Why can't we resist the urge to second-guess and evaluate each other?...Sometimes I wonder if the final judgment will be a breeze compared with what we've put each other through here on earth." (No Doubt About It)

My gift to you

I've been blogging now for about 7 months. It has been a great experience. I have met many new friends and have enjoyed getting to know old friends even better. I've been wondering what I might give all of you for Christmas. I've decided to share with you one of my very favorite stories... I'm not sure where I heard it from. But I know you will love it! Thank you for all of your comments, advice, funny stories, and your examples of faith and obedience. I look forward to a new year: "My life is an uphill climb and I'm going to smile everyday." Merry Christmas!

You may have heard the story before about the woman who goes to a silversmith to watch the process of refining silver. The story goes like this:

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' (Malachi 3:3) She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?' He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy — when I see my image in it.'
"The greatest man in history had no servants, yet they called him Master. Had no degree, yet they called him Teacher. Had no medicines, yet they called him Healer. He had no army, yet kings feared Him. He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world. He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him. He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today."
(Thank you to the Oldham family for this great quote!)

I hope that we can all slow down this holiday season and take time to feel the true Spirit of Christmas; that we might reflect His love in all that we do and say and think and feel. I hope each of you can have the opportunity to give service and to share the Gospel with someone. I know that our Savior lives and that He knows and loves each of us.

That We Might Have JOY

After we went Letterboxing on Saturday, Zeke had to work for "awhile" and the house was busy and loud and full of my children and their friends and lots of dirty dishes and laundry. I just wanted to curl up with my husband and family and watch a movie and forget about how much my children complained about "Mom's Nature Walk" and Zeke's job and Zeke's classes and how much time and gas money I've spent driving around town the last 2 weeks. I felt a little discouraged... don't get me wrong, I am so thankful Zeke has a good job. I am so thankful that he is willing and able to get an education. I am so thankful my children are healthy and life is good for the most part, but why is it so hard? I recall praying to Heavenly Father everyday for the last month: "please help me survive this day, please just help me get through this moment, help me get the kids to bed, help me remember this, help me fix dinner, help me stay awake, help me love my family, etc..."

I feel so overwhelmed as a Mother; I'm ashamed to admit that I always have. It just doesn't come naturally to me. I mean, I love my children more than anything and I would do anything for them and I want them to be happy, but when I hear other Mothers say how much they just "love BEING a Mother" I wonder what's wrong with me... Why don't I feel that way? Where can I find joy like that? There are small moments of joy and maybe I need to focus on those more, but it seems like they have been few and far between lately. I know, I know, I think of the quote from President Hinckley: "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

I know I said this a few posts ago, but Zeke is seriously working almost ALL the time. Right now, it's 9pm and he has been at work since 6am and he's still not home. By the time I get dinner fixed, kids bathed, homework done, dishes and laundry whittled down and such, I am too exhausted to feel joy. How do you do it? Some days I just feel like this isn't what I signed up for. Where can I get a transfer? (just kidding) I find myself wishing my days away and wanting time to pass and I know that is NOT how I should feel.

I know with all my heart and soul I'm supposed to be a stay at home mother... someday, I'll share that experience with you... but now that my oldest is 12... somewhere along the way, I thought things would get a little easier. I thought I'd have some experience and wisdom to draw from (ha ha ha) ... I would be so calm and patient and peaceful and JOYFUL. Why I expected things to get easier I don't know? But I wish it was, even just a little.

Let me remind you, I have a 2 year old boy... need I say more? And NONE of our children have ever been, what would you say "quiet", "calm", "passive", "complacent", "compliant", "normal"? (No, not one! They are all way too much like their parents I'm afraid, especially their mother!)

I'm just tired, I guess. I was really feeling sorry for myself Saturday night after I finally got all the kids to bed. I decided I would read the Ensign for awhile and see if that would help me feel better. You know those days when dinner's over and you want to put the kids to bed at 6pm? Yeah, it was one of those days... but I didn't actually get the kids in bed until about 10pm.

Well, I said my prayers to help me be a better Mother and to find something in the Ensign to help me keep going. I try so hard everyday, but when I fall into bed at night, I feel like a complete failure.

Anyway, I found an article in the September 2010 Ensign that was written just for me. It was!
It's called "That We Might Have Joy" by Andrea Jones. She talks about her struggles as a missionary... but it sounded just like my struggles as a Mother. She went to a Stake Conference seeking "the Joy" that everyone else was feeling. Her mission president spoke about the joy of Christ's redemption that each of us can feel every day. He testified that even during difficult and uncertain times, we can feel joy from understanding the significance of the Savior's Atonement. She said, "The joy I thought I had never experienced was all around me. I just hadn't opened my heart to feel it... since my mission I have come to understand that situations and surroundings have no lasting impact on our ability to feel joy." Wow!

So even though my life is totally CA-RAZY and completely exhausting right now, I can feel joy each day because of the knowledge and testimony I have of the Savior's Atonement. I can endure anything and still have joy knowing that I have a Redeemer. Knowing that I can repent, knowing that doing my best is enough. Somehow when I realized this, everything became so simple. I am so tired everyday, but I want to do my best. Thinking of the Savior and His eternal sacrifice for me makes me want to do more. "...It is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.” (2 Ne. 25:23) Thank Heaven, literally.

PS I just wanted to add how amazing my husband is. Even though he's not home much right now, he is doing things for the good of our family. At the moment, we are kind of stuck in the middle of school and work and he keeps going! He's the one who's really exhausted :( I just woke up this morning and wanted to add this because Zeke is making a huge sacrifice too.

The Reason

You know that great song from Hoobastank,
"The Reason"?
Every time I hear it, I think of Jesus.
I know that might sound silly,
but the words describe exactly how I feel.

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to You
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is You