Are we there yet????

The other day we went to visit some of our family.  They live less than one hour from us. We had a really great visit. However, my children turn into psychotic monsters when they're all trapped in a car together. I just wanted to share with you some of the dialogue from our ride home for posterity's sake; I mean, we actually survived this! I didn't use my children's real names in order to protect MYSELF from their wrath. (They are most definitely not innocent!) However, I'm pretty sure you might know who's who...

Kid 1: "Just get us home, I want to go home now!"

Kid 2: "Can we turn the radio off? I have a headache."

Kid 3: "Be quiet! I have a headache too!"

Kid 1: "BE QUIET!"

Kid 4: Blah blah, random singing REALLY LOUD singing...

Kids 1, 2, 3: "SHUT UP!!!"

Mom: "Please don't say "shut up" guys. Kid 4, please use an inside voice. " (Turns radio speakers to the front) "Sorry, Kid 2, is that ok?"

Kid 2: "Yeah, it's fine, it's just Kids 1, 3, and 4 mostly. I just want to go home. I'm tired."

Kid 3: "Kid 4 stop grabbing my pillow, Kid 4, MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Kid 1: "SHUT UP, Kid 3!!!!!!!!!"

Kid 4: Blah, blah, chatter chatter, random singing REALLY LOUD!!

Kids 1, 2, 3: "SHUT UP, Kid 4!!!!!"

Dad: "That is enough, Kid 4!! Be quiet all of you!!!" (Turns radio up louder.)

Kid 3: "MOM!!!!!! Kid 4 keeps hitting me!!!!"

Kid 1: "SHUT UP!!!! Oh my gosh, just shut up! Can't we go any faster? I hate driving in the car with you guys!"

Kid 4: "MOM!!!!!!!!!!! Kid 3 took my pillow!"

Dad: "Why did you bring a pillow? Did you know they brought pillows?"

Mom: "Yeah... they said they were tired. I gave in. Kid 4, KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF!"

Kids 3, 4: "MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He/She keeps touching me!"

Kid 1: "SHUT UP! This is ridiculous!" (Random sounds of a scuffle with Kid 4. Elbows flying. Grunting.)

Kids 2 and 3: "Shut up, Kid 1, we have a headache!!!!!"

Kid 4: blah blah blah, random chatter, poking Kid 1 with paper Burger King crown, laughing REALLY LOUD, singing! Poke, poke, poke....

Kid 1: "Kid 4, KNOCK IT OFF!!! If you don't stop it, I'm going to take your crown!"

Mom: "Kid 1, That's enough. Leave Kid 4 alone. Kid 4, That's enough, Leave Kid 1 alone." (Turns radio up louder. Sighs at Dad. Dad rolls eyes.)

Kid 4: "MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (Loud screaming and crying and random paper ripping sounds.) "Kid 1 took my crown!!!!!!!!!!!! MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He ripped it up!!!!! MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (Extremely loud screaming and crying. Fists flying from Kids 1, 3, 4. Mom turns around to check for blood. No blood. Turns up radio.)

Kids 2, 3: "Thanks a lot, Kid 1! Kid 4, just BE QUIET PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Dad: "Now you've done it, Kid 1!"

Kid 1: "Make Kid 4 SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's Kid 4, not ME!"

Dad: "You made KID 4 cry.... thanks a lot, KID 1, now we all have to hear it!!" (Kid 1 becomes strangely silent.)

Kid 2: "I have a headache. I feel car sick."

Kid 3: "Me too. MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kid 4 is on my side of the seat!"

(Kid 4 still wailing LOUDLY.)

Mom: "No more talking from anyone! Kid 4 and Kid 1 you have extra chores when we get home."

Kid 2: "How much longer?"

Kid 3: "MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Dad: "I have a headache."

Mom: "Me too."

It's a wonder why we don't travel more, isn't it?

Rebel Yell

Hi. I mean HI!! It's been a VERY long time since I've been on the blog... looks like it might need some minors repairs and things. Lots of info and pictures are really outdated.

I've had a few people ask me lately if I'm still blogging and well, you guys made me feel pretty SPECIAL. Thanks for saying you miss me. Even if I can just make you laugh, I will feel like I have contributed something good to the world.

Wow. I don't know about you, but I'm the type of person whose mood can change in an instant. I guess that sounds really immature and unstable... I don't know, maybe it's just the circumstances I'm given that actually create such extreme emotions.

I have so much emotion swirling around inside of me lately I feel as though my head might actually explode! It's like baking soda and vinegar sitting in there, but it's constantly being shaken together, sometimes a little too VIGOROUSLY.

So.... I was thinking back when I first started a blog. It was 2010. I had 4 small children ages 12, 9, 6, and 2 (WOW!) I remember I was serving as the Young Women's President in our ward and I got released that May. I WAS DEVASTATED. I mean. I knew it was time and callings change and all that, but I've never enjoyed a calling as much, before or since I served with the Young Women. It was the BEST!

I decided to start a blog and I don't know... try to occupy my mind and maintain my sanity while raising my 4 kids while Zeke was in school and working full-time. I was lonely and emotional and I needed a place to share my feelings... more than a journal,  a way to connect with others going through similar struggles and have a laugh or TWELVE along the way. I've gotta laugh... or I just might cry.

Well, fast forward 5 years and I'm feeling very much the same as I was, but for very different reasons. I hope I've learned a few things during the last 5 years. I think so. What's changed?? Well, my kids are now 17, 14, 11, and 7 -- how can I truly explain how crazy that is? It's NUTS. Mostly way fun, but NUTS.

And well, I turned 40 this year.... didn't really bug me at all, I guess. I don't mind getting older, but I still feel so young and by that, I definitely DON'T mean I feel like I'm still 20.

I mean I feel like I'm 12. Maybe even 10 some days... yeah.

The music I listen to, the movies I watch, and the books I read would definitely correlate with that feeling....

Last week I was shoe shopping with my kids and my girls talked me in to getting a pair of "combat boots" for myself:

You know... Just LOOKING at this picture makes me smile. I used to have a pair of black 12 hole doc martens in high school... they were my babies. Now these are definitely NOT real doc martens... I'm just too practical cheap to get real ones. Anyway, I'm thrilled with these and they are very tangible evidence of the way I feel inside.  I almost wore them to church today. 

Oh, and I named them Fred and George. (Yes, that would be Weasley. See? I'm 12.)

I feel like a REBEL! I mean. I'm not going to do anything crazy... but I just want to run away sometimes, don't you? Ok, maybe you don't. Now please, before you go call my Bishop and tell him I'm feeling this way... he already knows!!!

You see, my husband IS the new Bishop!!!!! Yeah, I'm not gonna lie... I'm pretty much freaking out. It's just so weird. We are truly blessed, but man, it's just SO WEIRD. Again, I feel 12... so maybe other 40 year old women may not feel quite as traumatized as I do. Help. 

It's been about 6 weeks now and I've decided I need to blog again. I need to vent. I need some advice and moral support. I need to feel normal... whatever that is. 

This blondie has a lot of back story...

I don't know why, but I just keep thinking about blogging the last few weeks. Maybe it's because school is almost over or maybe because I just finished up coaching an Odyssey of the Mind Team (science/art/drama club thingy) that I've been working with since November.

I don't know if I have more free time necessarily, but at least my mind feels a tiny bit less cluttered, although FULL.

I always have so much I want to say. Too much to put on Facebook and not always the right platform to do so.

I posted a status a few weeks ago about my feelings concerning Mormon Olympians who also happen to be mothers of small children. I think we had a fairly good "discussion", but I'm still trying to remember the advice "not to ask a question I don't really want to hear the answer to". There was a lot of anger and misunderstanding brewing underneath the surface of some of the comments. Combine that with my "somewhat vague" explanation of what was really on my mind and it made for a bit of a mess as far as I was concerned. Anyway, I got to the point where I didn't want to hear any more, so I deleted my post. Ha! I love having control like that. It just wasn't going where I wanted it to go and I was tired of trying to explain to everyone what I really meant.

It's taken me 3 weeks to figure out why I'm was so bugged with the idea of a young mother spending all that time training for an Olympic sport. It's been a good time for me to really think about myself and analyze why I feel so strongly. It was a good opportunity for self-reflection and re-evaluating my life. That being said -- everyone has a different life: background, abilities, experiences, children, husband, vocation, desires, etc, etc, etc.

So, here's an important realization I came to while chatting with a dear friend about it: no one can really understand where I'm coming from and why I think and feel the way I do  -- so, it just goes to show me I can't ever truly understand why these Olympic athletes choose to do what they do. No matter how anyone tries to explain it to me, no matter how amazing they are, no matter how many people love them. That means nothing to me -- you can definitely love someone and not agree with or support what they do. So, that's not the point I was trying to make.

I'm not even sure what point I was trying to make... I think I just wanted to express my feelings "out loud" and see if anyone understood or felt the same as I do. Again, I realize now, that no one can feel the same as another person. There are simply too many factors that make up their opinions.

My life experiences have made me feel a certain way: basically, I think women should do all they can to be there for their children - even at the expense of sacrificing (or at least putting on hold) some of their own dreams and aspirations. Why? Well, after watching my sister suffer through 4 years of cancer and then actually succumb to it, leaving behind 6 children (the youngest was barely 5), it REALLY scared me.

Then, to struggle through years of my own on-going health issues and wake-up calls it makes me realize life is SO SHORT. You never know when your life will be over. I always feel like I need more time. I feel like Heavenly Father is constantly and specifically reminding ME what my mission here on earth truly is -- always pulling me back on course and helping me focus on what truly matters. In a small way, I guess I'm grateful, but ever fearful of the unknown difference between my time frame and God's.

For me, I can't bear to think of really focusing on anything else right now other than spending time with my children and being there when they need me. I don't want any regrets when it comes to my children. I'm selfish too. I want to be there for every milestone and every special occasion. I want to prepare them for the future and hug them and tell them I love them and make sure I've given them all I can.

I remember when Gabe was a baby and I was going to school. Zeke was working full-time and also going to school, so Gabe went to my neighbor's for a few hours every other day while I was in class. It nearly killed me the day I came to pick him up and she said he started crawling for the first time.... I missed it. I know, I know, you may think I'm a bit dramatic and over the top maybe, but I just had to be there.

I tried to balance kids and school for awhile. It wasn't too bad -- I was only taking a couple classes at a time. Then, way back in 2002 when Gabe and Zoe were little, I took them to a different neighbor (who, by the way, came HIGHLY recommended by several women in our church group). To this day, it is still hard for me to talk about what happened. Let's just say this woman must have put on a really good front, but she was truly a wolf in sheep's clothing. A very disturbed woman who shouldn't have anything to do with children -- she desperately needed some help.

I came to pick them up early one day as my chemistry lab finished sooner than the regular time and THANK GOODNESS I did! I pulled up in the driveway and could hear yelling even from outside. The lady's door was open and I could hear her SCREAMING at the top of her lungs through the screen door. My kids were IN there with her!

Without knocking, I marched right in and found Gabe and another child crying and cowering in a corner while she continued to SCREAM at them, shaking her fist at them, and just basically freaking out. Let me remind you, Gabe was only 3. What could a 3 year old possibly do to warrant that type of behavior? What could any child really do to justify something like that? I can't even remember what I said to her, I only remember the look of horror and embarrassment on her face. She didn't even try to apologize or explain.

Then, I looked out the sliding glass doors to find Zoe outside banging on them and crying to get in. Her cheeks were red and blotchy with tears and snot all over her as well as the glass door, indicating she had been locked out alone for who knows how long (possibly two hours?) ... she was only one year old. Those images still haunt me to this day.

I took my kids home and held them and cried for hours. I reported her to the police, but I honestly don't know what happened to her. All I know is, I never went back. Definitely not to her or any other type of child care for that matter. I know there are great child care providers out there, but I've had a hard time trusting anyone with my children ever since.

My heart hurts for those women who have no choice. I'm so grateful I found out sooner than later, but for me, I've never been able to justify leaving them in someone else's care to pursue something unnecessary. It's just not worth it.

Wow, this is what I love about blogging. It's so therapeutic for me. When I sat down awhile ago, I had no idea what I was actually going to blog about, other than I felt like I needed to write and get some feelings out. I always have a lot to say. I'll save more for another time.

If anything, I hope this post helps you understand me a little more. I really don't mean to come across so serious and extreme and condemning in my opinions. I truly think what Noelle Pikus Pace has done is inspiring and positive. However, knowing what I know and going through what I have, I try to explain to myself or justify someone else's behavior and sometimes it just doesn't make sense to me. I can't unknow these things or undo my experiences. They are part of me.

Although drastically different, I know my life is just as positive and inspiring as an Olympic athlete. Mothers come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, backgrounds, lifestyles, abilities, and vocations AND they can all be a positive and loving influence on their children no matter how different they are.

“Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle” ~ J.M. Barrie? (there are so many sources giving different credit for this quote, I'm not sure who really said it first, but it's a good one)

Third time's the charm: three great books you need to read!

I keep having the overwhelming feeling I need to share these three books with you. They are all very special to me for different reasons. I've read them over the last few months and I know you will enjoy them.

The first book is called: 

"Covenant Motherhood" 
by Stephanie Dibb Sorensen

This is a great book! Honestly, I usually don't like books about Motherhood. I hate them actually. They usually leave me feeling very depressed and even more like a total failure than I felt before I read the book. I'm not like other mothers and my children just aren't like other children. No one can realistically measure up to the expectations of the motherhood books I've read before --not to mention an LDS motherhood book! No way! I've made it a point to steer clear.  UNTIL THIS BOOK. Why? Well, quite frankly, I'm very privileged to know the author personally and well, she is nothing short of  awesome. (Seriously!) She is so real and honest in this book. I love her insight and personal stories. She is very funny in a sarcastic kind of way (my favorite kind of way).

This book is THE FIRST book about motherhood that actually made me feel BETTER about what I'm doing and why I am doing it. I was a bit intimidated by the subtitle of the book, "Reflecting the Role of Christ in our Lives." (as well as the title), I was sure I'd never measure up, but I thought, "It has to be good, Stephanie wrote it. I'll at least give it a try." She was able to help me understand how important everything I do as a mother truly is -- from loving and teaching my children, to washing the dishes and changing dirty diapers (yes!). She helped me to feel enabled and exalted simply because I am a mother. I felt Christ's love for me and my ability to share that love with my children as I care for them. Why? In many instances, I'm ALREADY DOING the things she says are Christ-like. Wow!! Talk about a self-esteem booster!!! You mean, what I'm doing is enough? It is! As we are prayerful and have the right attitude and give it our best effort,  we are serving our children in the same manner Christ serves all of us. It is so inspiring! I really cannot convey how beautifully she explains it. I have felt such a great peace since reading this book. Thank you, Stephanie!

If you want to read more about Motherhood and how cool Stephanie is, you can check out her blog at: Diapers and Divinity

Okay, the second book is called:

"My Walk Thru Heaven" by Kim Rives

This is one of those books that really takes you by surprise. It's a life beyond death experience that will inspire you to love more and forgive freely. She is such an amazing person! I am truly inspired by her ability to forgive others. She has been through so much in her life. Her story is about her fight against cancer. I felt very connected to her because of my sister and her own fight against cancer (sadly, my sister lost that battle in February 2005). 

I don't want to say too much about the story to give away all the details -- you have to read it for yourself. I will say it left me feeling closer to the Savior than ever before and with an increased desire to be a better person. One of the more light-hearted parts of the story is the song she writes after one of her visits to her doctor -- it made me laugh right out loud. Kim has a great sense of humor in spite of all that she has been through -- it may even be part of what helped her through it. 

Ironically, as with Stephanie, I also know Kim personally. She is a member of my ward and she is simply AMAZING -- so kind and loving, her smile radiates a glow around her entire being. I love to talk with her and hear her sing. She is an angel here on earth and I am so grateful to know her. It is no coincidence that Heavenly Father put her in my life at this time. She has helped me to feel His peace and to find joy in my life. Thank you, Kim!

To learn more about Kim and her story, you can go to:

Kim Rives

Finally, the third book is called:

"When Life Gets Hard" by Meg Johnson

Kim Rives is the one who introduced me to this great book and I'm so thankful she let me borrow her copy. Now, I don't know Meg personally, but I would love to meet her! Several friends of mine DO know her and she is also AMAZING! Why is it amazing people have been through so much?

Helen Keller once said, "Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

I would consider Meg a person of extraordinary character considering the trials and suffering she has been through (though I'm told by a friend of mine who went to high school with her she was ALREADY amazing before her accident!)

For a sneak peek of this book, here is the blurb on the book jacket (What are those called?):

"You wanted more. You got less.
You wanted this. You got that.
You wanted there. You got here.
You already know that things in life don’t go exactly as planned.
And sometimes they go terribly, terribly wrong . . . .

You already know that things in life don't go exactly as planned. And sometimes they go terribly, terribly wrong ...

Meg Johnson came to this life-changing realization seven years ago when she fell off a cliff in Southern Utah - a fall that left her a quadriplegic in a wheelchair. And though she sits for the rest of her mortal life, she stands tall with a message for her brothers and sisters of all abilities. When life gets too hard to stand, just keep on rollin'!

In this motivating and inspiring talk, When Life Gets Hard ..., motivational speaker and author Meg Johnson shares insights from her life that will make you laugh, cry, and rest assured that when your life gets tough, you, too, can keep on rollin'!"

Wow!! She definitely KEEPS ON ROLLIN'! Her book is so inspiring. Yes, she fell of a cliff and became paralyzed, but she talks about how much more devastating SPIRITUAL PARALYSIS is and more importantly, HOW TO AVOID IT!

I love books that tell you in exact detail how to do something (do this, then this, and this). She talks about avoiding and closing up Satan's gaps and holes along our path of life that can trap us and leave us spiritually paralyzed. She teaches us about the importance of 

GAPS

(Gratitude-Attitude-Prayer-Service)

vital tools to keep us safe from Satan's influence in our life. This book is such a fun read. I mean, it's absolutely horrible to think of what happened to her and all that she went through. I cried for her. I cried for me and my own ungratefulness in my truly blessed life. I need to do better and look at all the blessings that are everywhere around me. One of my favorite parts was her telling about a time when it was raining and she fell out of her wheelchair and found herself on the ground in a puddle with a frail old lady trying to help her up. I love how she told the story. Meg's honesty and humor is truly enjoyable and comes through in her writing. Thank you, Meg, I hope to meet you someday!

You can read more about Meg on her blog: 

Meg Johnson Speaks

and you can also follow her on Facebook (she just had a baby!)
I hope you can find these books at your library or find them online. I want to get a copy of each to add to my personal library. I also think any one of these would make a great gift!
HAPPY READING!

The good, the bad and the "buggy"

How can someone be SO happy and SO sad all at the same time? Living in my head is exhausting, I tell you! One moment, I'm high as a kite and I love my life, the next, I'm rolling my eyes and muttering under my breath, "Heaven help me be a better person, PLEASE!"

Not sure what I'm blogging about today, but my brain feels overloaded. (Seems to be a common theme, eh?) My blog is turning into my brain dump. Who knows? All of these crumbs might get cooked up into a great book someday... 

So many people in our world today need serious help or even just a friendly face. There are people right in our neighborhood and I'm sure they are right in your neighborhood too! I feel so blessed to be able to serve others and be aware of their needs. I love these people and I hope I can always be in tune with the Spirit and keep my mind and my day open enough to make time for helping others. Dropping everything to run to the aid of another person and feeling the Spirit carry you as you go... there's no other feeling like that.

Such a wonderful day yesterday in so many ways. Beck and I played Uno. Just the two of us. It was really fun. He's getting so big. He lost his first tooth last night. To me, that makes him seem much bigger now than when he started Kindergarten a few weeks ago. Can my baby really be old enough to lose a tooth?! Where has the time gone? Really. 

It's hard to see his missing tooth in this picture, but I love his face. The new gap on the bottom in the front, of course.

Kaia is going on a field trip today to Logan Canyon and to say she is excited is a HUGE understatement. Her teacher this year is just absolutely perfect for her. They are kindred spirits. She truly loves and encourages Kaia's reading obsession and she's been doing a lot of Science with her class. Kaia is her biggest fan! It's so fun to hear about all of the cool things her teacher is doing. My Ms. Frizzle wish is growing and growing every year!

Beck and Kaia headed out the door to school. 

It's homecoming week at Gabe's high school and he went to the parade and powderpuff game last night. I picked him up afterwards and we had a great time laughing together as he told me about all the funny things that happened. I stopped at the gas station to fill up the van and he offered to buy me a treat. It was so sweet. I love talking and laughing with him. I'll give him a ride home any time just for that reason. I love that he is happy.  (Mostly happy, after all, he is 15!)

Zoe has a new friend she met at school and it turns out she only lives a couple blocks away! How cool is that? I met her friend and her Mom last night. They seem really nice. I like this friend for Zoe because she's still enjoying being 12. Not into boys yet, still wanting to play outside and well, just PLAY! Zoe is so much like that and I hope she can enjoy every last second of being "little". I loved hearing about their nature walk and all of their "big plans" for having different fashion themes each week and wearing matching colors at school. It made me smile. The 12 year old inside of me is still very much alive and kicking and I wonder if she'll ever realize she's almost 39... in some ways, I hope not.

Speaking of being 12 though.... in some ways, I guess I really need to grow up. But I'm really not sure how -- that is why I still must be 12 inside, because sometimes my heart hurts SO much about silly little things. Sometimes I get SO mad about things. Sometimes I just want to be little again and not have all of the silly grown-up problems. 

I was talking to my girls the other day about some girls that weren't being so nice to them at school. Nothing major, just mean girls giving them dirty looks. You know the "eye to toes and back up to your eyes -- Oh, you're no threat to me" kind of look? Yeah. I hate that. I told them just to smile at those girls and don't ever give them a second thought. Ever. I told them to brush it off and be strong, because Guess What? There are STILL "girls" like that who are my age. Yuck.

Anyway, I'm just always feeling like I don't fit it anywhere and maybe I don't, but the question is: WHY do I care? I just don't know. My season in life is here with family right now.  My kids and husband are where I invest most of my time and I know that is most important, but I always end up feeling left out. I always feel like I just walked in AFTER the punch line of everything. There seems to be a secret world out there that I've never been part of... (thank heavens for preschool -- they LOVE me! :)

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Have you ever read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince? You know where Professor Slughorn alters his memories before he lets Professor Dumbledore see them? Well, I just altered my blog before EVERYONE reads it. I erased about 4 paragraphs of YUCK right here. It was just me complaining and being contentious. I need to go talk with the person I have an issue with directly, not vaguely hint around it on my blog. Sorry if you read it -- I don't want to be that kind of person! Anyway, good luck finding the horcruxes and all that...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know it's just Satan trying to bring me down, but I also know having good and bad experiences so EXTREME in one day is a reminder to me there are areas in my life I really need to do better in. I need to LOVE people, to see them as God sees them, and not to let them bother me so much. There is good in everyone. I truly believe that. I think the good gets clouded by assumptions and jealousy and their own feelings of insecurity or even just stress and fatigue. 

I have so many awesome people in my life and I'm going to focus on them. People that seem to like me for the moment and I'll take it! I want be humble and kind to everyone around me, regardless of how they treat me. It's easy to love someone that loves you, right? But I want to love the ones who don't. That's going to be my focus. I worry about realizing this goal and saying it "out loud". I've prayed about it and now I know the tests will come! I hope I'm ready...

I just think I get along better with my own family (wow, that is an awesome realization, isn't it!!!) and of course, my cats. This is our new addition, Churro. His favorite hiding spot is inside the shoe bench. He is just absolutely adorable. Really. I cannot help it. I love this guy! He has THE cutest little meow.

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." ~ Anatole France

"Grace for Mother Duck and Me" -- my wake-up call

I should be vacuuming and cleaning the litter boxes right now... really. It's on my list today, but for *some* reason it just doesn't sound very enjoyable. Hold on, readers, this is a LONG one!

Sometimes we all have to take a minute (or 12) and do something good for ourselves. Breathe. Think. Type. Relax. I've been running on empty the last week or so. What a blur! School is in full force. Late nights, early mornings, schedules and deadlines, school lunch and homework. You know it's crazy, but I really do like most of it. I think. Today I do.

I've had a LOT of experiences these last couple weeks to help me learn patience, compassion, humility, forgiveness, charity, and love. I wonder if I'll every really figure things out.

This was a rough draft post I started last week, but never finished:

"Why is life so hard? Yeah, I know that sounds really dramatic. I know most people would look at my life and say, "What's your problem, whiner?!?!?!!" (And they might be true -- sort of.) The fact is, most people don't share what their life is REALLY like. Their inner struggles and day to day problems. Weaknesses that I can never seem to get over. Problems I always seem to find myself in. When will I ever learn?"

Life really isn't that bad -- I was just having "one of those days" -- I always seem to think every little upset in my universe will be irreversible and permanent. I don't like that about myself. It's rather exhausting.

I'm so thankful for second chances and prayer and being able to talk to people. We had some serious issues with some of Gabe's friends a couple weeks ago and I'm so glad things are calming down. I'm thankful for time. Time to think and time to heal. What I thought would be devastating with long-lasting consequences, ended up being something rather trivial, but something that brought Gabe and I closer together. He was more mature and patient about the whole thing than I was. I wish I could say more, but he has asked me not to.

I had another very "silly" incident with a friend and some unspoken rules and well, after some awkward moments of disagreement, we both ended up laughing when we realized where the other person was coming from.

And then again with some more of my children's friends and their parents....

One thing's for sure: this world is full of all sorts of people. No two people act or think exactly alike. Yet, why do we always look at someone and think they are just like "so and so". Do you know what I mean?

I read this great little story last week in the throes of the constant "Is it ME or THEM?" doubts in my mind:

Let me just preface this by saying (because I'm so ridiculously childish and prideful, I guess) that I don't agree with the author judging the mother duck -- she doesn't know any better. That part, I just didn't get. Poor Mother Duck -- where is she SUPPOSED to walk her ducklings amidst all the subdivisions and humans taking over all of the undeveloped land?? That's another blog post entirely.

However, I TOTALLY understood what she was saying, because I have wrongly judged SO many women SO many times. I was truly ashamed when I read this. I have been there. I know how she feels. She's better than I am, really, only to judge a duck's misguided actions, rather than a person. Sometimes, they don't know any better either. I should have as much natural compassion for other people as I do for some random duck! But alas, I am a strange girl.

Have you ever looked at someone and thought, even for a moment, 
"She doesn't deserve to be a mother." 
Well, read on:

(photo from National Geographic)

From the August 2013 Ensign:

Grace for Mother Duck and Me by Rosie Kaufman

One spring afternoon I was packing my car to begin shuttling my five young children to and from lessons and practices. As I loaded soccer cleats and dance bags, I noticed a mother duck and her ducklings waddling down the sidewalk of our suburban neighborhood.

As I watched, she began to cross the road. Unfortunately, she chose a gutter grate for her crosswalk, and as she passed over it, her babies followed. Four of her ducklings slipped helplessly between the bars of the grate.

When the mother reached the other side, she realized she was missing some of her little ones and could hear their muffled peeps. Totally oblivious of her mistake, she crossed back across the drainage grate, looking for her missing ducklings and losing two more. With horror and some disgust at her poor judgment, I went to the grate to see if I could lift it. Although I used all my strength, the grate barely budged, and I was late to pick up one of my kids.

Figuring I would have to fix the situation later when I wasn’t so rushed, I hopped in the car while muttering self-righteously, “She doesn’t deserve to be a mother.”

During the next hour and a half, I made many of my recurring parenting mistakes. These are mistakes I have begged forgiveness for many times from both my children and my Father in Heaven. Each time I resolve to do better and not to fall prey to these weaknesses again. When I snapped at one of my kids for teasing another, my words echoed loudly in my ears, “She doesn’t deserve to be a mother.”

Suddenly I felt overwhelming compassion for that mother duck. She was trying to navigate the world with the instincts she was given, just as I was. But sometimes those instincts simply weren’t enough, and it was our children who suffered.

I resolved to get the grate off somehow and lift the ducklings out. As I rounded the corner to our street, I saw a small group gathered. My neighbor had lifted the grate, climbed inside the drainage tunnel, and was gently lifting the ducklings out to safety. The frightened little birds scrambled to find their mother, who was pacing nervously in a nearby bush. She hadn’t asked for help, but my neighbor had stepped in when her protection was simply not enough. I was overcome with emotion as I thought of the Savior doing the same for my children and me.

Sometimes we come up short, even when we have the best intentions and try our hardest. However, the Savior’s “grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before [Him]” (Ether 12:27). It comforts me to know that my shortcomings will not ruin my children and that they will be the recipients of love, peace, understanding, and grace from our Savior. He “reaches my reaching”¹ and wants my family and me to succeed. Our shortcomings will not prevail when we humble ourselves and stand with the Lord by our side.

I really love this story. I mean, I'm a HUGE animal lover, if you didn't know, so I was crying tears of joy when all the ducklings were returned safely to their worried mommy. But it really helped me feel more compassion and understanding for others. Actually, I feel like it was a great big (loving!) slap in the face from my Heavenly Father saying, "Lacy, stop being so MEAN! Stop thinking everyone is so wrong and take a look in the mirror. I love you and I know your struggles, but others are struggling too. Help them, don't judge them."

We do NOT know what others are going through. We cannot judge anyone because we don't have all of the information. We can never truly understand why someone does something. Sometimes my greatest struggles are on the inside and I always wonder what other people are truly going through when they act a certain way or say something I think they shouldn't have or whatever. 

I don't know who said it, but I love the quote that says something like: 

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

We're all in this together (yes, I did get that from High School Musical, if you must know)! But we really are and I want to try harder to help and lift others -- even when they might not return the favor. 

I feel like I am being tested to the limit lately in terms of my capacity to love and to serve and to have patience for others. I often wonder what the future holds...

I'm so thankful for a loving Father in Heaven who judges me perfectly and is always there to help me be better and make up for my many shortcomings.

P.S. I know I've already told you about the FlyLady, but I'm going to tell you again, because she makes me happy! :) If you feel overwhelmed with your life and your house is in total CHAOS... go to her site IMMEDIATELY, sign up for the emails, and start to FLY! It's been such a blessing in my life.

Brain Dump... Deja vu? Wait... a BREAKTHROUGH!

I think I already have a post somewhere titled, "Brain Dump".

I shouldn't blog sometimes, really. Today I woke up in a bit of a funk.

My mind is SO full. SO FULL.

There is just SO much to do, so much to remember, so much to plan, so much to even think about.

Not to mention all of the "stuff" that happens everyday that I don't expect or can't plan for... let's not even go into the crazy of all that!

I used to be better at taking one thing at a time and then, moving on to the next.

I'm not sure if I've lost that ability OR if there's just SO much to do... my brain is ready to explode. Seriously. I sit down to make a to-do list and I can vaguely decipher a flow of activity somewhere in the back of my brain. Much like a blender swirling with words and phone numbers and check lists and fuzzy clouds of ??? Just LOTS of fuzz really.

At the front of my brain, the part that is formulating and typing these words at this moment, there is just a clear, resounding FUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Like a low hum or a white noise that purposely? or thankfully? blocks out all of the swirling blender stuff. I can't seem to turn the FUZZ off any more.

Problem is: I desperately need to dive into that blender and deal with some of that stuff!

I woke up spouting off my to-do list to my husband this morning in between deep sighs of frustration and stress. Ever patient (patiently?), he listens and always has a good (if not always logical) strategy to attack my day. He's not a stay-at-home mom (obviously), so he just doesn't really get it, but he sure tries.

Today, however, I think he said something rather profound. I won't bore you with my BOOK of things I need to do/should do/could do/want to do/really have to do, because I know you have your own. Maybe our books are rather similar? Maybe not? Either way. Life is busy. Life as a mother at any phase, age, or number of children is BUSIER than ever.

Zeke was standing in our closet trying to get ready to go to work (bless his heart!) as I'm purging and pleading and well, basically, whining. We were talking about building more shelves in our closet, because, you know, that's what everyone needs right after they move into a bigger house, right? Seriously though, shelves for HIS clothes, because I have a huge basket and two boxes FULL of things that need to be mended and they're taking over our closet. What?? Yeah, it's embarrassing and rather ridiculous.

It's not that I don't mend -- I do -- every couple of months I take a day and just mend stuff. My kids usually end up wanting to sew something right along with me, which is good, but my overall progress is greatly diminished, but hey, I have kids that like to sew. That's a good thing in my book.

Anyway, the mending basket mysteriously multiplies overnight. Really! Just when I think I've made a dent, it's full again just a few days later.

Is it obvious to everyone, but me? Zeke simply said, "Don't mend. Just don't. In the grand scheme of things, mending does NOT matter. The kids have plenty of clothes. Prioritize what they really need and THROW THE REST AWAY." Isn't he a genius??

Inside though, I instantly recoiled at the thought... THROW THE REST AWAY????? What the? I can't.... WASTE something??? How do I define WASTING something? How can Zeke say that and be okay with it? It sounded SO lovely, SO simple, SO right. But.... THROW THE REST AWAY? I want to feel that way too.

For months (YEARS), I've been praying about how I can get it all done and how I can feel LESS stress. I've been thinking all morning about what Zeke said as I've been watering our lawn and doing laundry (YEAH, there's a wake-up call). Don't laugh, but I think I seriously have a hard time getting rid of stuff or just the idea of wasting stuff. I'm not sure if I've always been this way. Our house certainly isn't overflowing or anything, but the things I do to save stuff or get the good out of stuff *might* be considered a bit overboard by other people.

I mend clothes and blankets and things until they're literally falling apart between the seams! Among other things, I use THE ABSOLUTE LAST DROP of everything. Toothpaste, syrup, lotion, ketchup, etc. I know it drives my family crazy. It should. It's silly. I have bottles of stuff in the fridge and in the bathrooms turned upside down with the threat, "Don't throw that away yet, there's still some left!" SILLY!

What about the TIME I'm wasting saving those little things and making room for them? What I'm really doing is WASTING my time. My time is so precious. I can't buy time. I got mad at Kaia yesterday for throwing away a half-eaten apple. Yes, I totally agree we shouldn't waste food, but seriously over-reacted for sure. It's just an apple. She's my sweet daughter. I'm embarrassed to even tell you that.

You know, I go through a blog famine here and there and whenever I start again, I always feel so much better. It's very therapeutic. I hope my life of learning things the hard way helps someone else avoid my mistakes in the first place.

Today, I'm going to pray REALLY hard to let go of things that do not matter. Today, I'm going to try really hard to get rid of some things in my house. I'm especially going to re-evaluate my mending basket.

I read somewhere recently about getting rid of 5 things everyday for 5 days and doing that each month. Even little things. I'm going to try it.

P.S. Zeke, I love you more than anything... you are my DENSITY.

Rely on the Lord

Have you noticed I haven't been blogging this week? Yeah... it's been a crazy week. I think I say that more than I don't so it doesn't really mean anything. (Reminds me of the "Incredibles" when the Mom says, "Everyone's special, Dash." and Dash says, "Which is another way of saying no one is." Yeah, I'm way off...) 

The younger kids are in bed. We celebrated Friday in style eating lots of ice cream and watching, "Ramona and Beezus." It has to be one of my new favorite movies. My Mom sent it to us for a Valentine's surprise. I was surprised how much I really enjoyed it. It just felt real. It made me laugh and cry and laugh and cry some more. Kaia is SO much like Ramona. I always felt like Ramona when I was growing up.

Zeke and my oldest son, Gabe, are sleeping in snow caves somewhere up the canyon with the Scouts... why they do this I will never understand, but they enjoy it.

So now comes the hard part. The house is quiet and I am "alone". Well, not really alone, the cats are sleeping nearby, but the house is SO quiet. TOO quiet. No more distractions to keep my mind busy.

What a week and what a finale! Crazy house stuff: flooring choices, meetings with all the builders and "big wigs", deadlines and delays, a broken window, and not-so-thorough bricklayers. Poor Beck has a double ear infection which means we didn't get much sleep, Parent/Teacher Conferences for Kaia and Gabe, my husband and I were so busy we barely saw each other at all. Oh, and one of our cats has been sick and had to go to the vet and the engine light on our van keeps coming on and we can't figure out why... almost sounds like the lyrics to a REALLY bad country song.

We tried to go out for dinner last night and it was a bit crazy. I was worn out, because of all of the above and more, physically and emotionally. Well, it wasn't the best Valentine's Day ever, but it wasn't the worst; after all, we did have sushi! Then, to top it off, I got sick later that night -- I've never gotten sick from sushi. Well, that won't stop me from eating it again!!

Today is a blur.

Before I put the kids to bed, we read a little verse and quote from "Stand a Little Taller" by Gordon B. Hinckley. It was the perfect quote and scripture for today. My heart needed it.

RELY ON THE LORD

"And by hearkening to observe all the words which I, the Lord their God, shall speak unto them, they shall never cease to prevail until kingdoms of the world are subdued under my feet, and the earth is given unto the saints, to possess it forever and ever." Doctrine & Covenants 103:7

"The Lord has given you this glorious Church. His Church, to guide you and direct you, to give you opportunity for growth and experience, to teach you and lead you and encourage you, to make of you His chosen daughter or son, one upon whom He may look with love and with a desire to help. Of course there will be some problems along the way. There will be difficulties to overcome. But they will not last forever. He will not forsake you." ~ Gordon B. Hinckley

After all, it IS on her to-do list.

Here's Kaia. She made this picture of herself on her digital camera. She is quite the imp!

We were sitting in church on Sunday and Kaia was making notes in her "secret" binder and crossing off things from her to-do list. Here's the cover:

Kaia's Binder: Keep Out (for all except me)

I believe that's a stick of dynamite going into someone's mouth (that's a pretty fair warning!)

 I couldn't help looking over to see what she's been up to -- I laughed so hard tears were streaming down my face. She is SO funny... but she's not trying to be funny, she is SERIOUS.
I had to take a picture of it! 

This is her daily To-Do list: (my comments are in parentheses) 

1. Play with cats  (that's what all of us do about 70% of the time)

2. Eat breakfast/Get dressed

3. Pester Zoe

(HA! I laughed right out loud in sacrament.. Oh, if you only knew. I don't think she needs to write this down to remember to do it, but she may actually be keeping track of her "progress". Poor Zoe.)

4. Play with Toys (right now this is usually Polly Pockets :)

5. Watch a movie

6. Do what Mom wants me to 

(Aww, this made me cry a little. She struggles a bit and I'm glad she is trying.)

7. Eat lunch

8. Play with balloons 

(Okay, she bought a package of balloons with her allowance and well, they are all over the house. I even found some filled with water!)

9. Do stuff 

(Okay, good, as long as you're doing something... I only wonder just exactly what "stuff" this is???)

10. Play with cats (Again, this is a big deal at out house :)

11. Eat dinner

12. Watch a movie (Yeah, we like movies)

13. Eat dessert (That's my girl!)

14. Scriptures/get ready for bed 

(This is our nightly routine -- hopefully she's getting something out of it.)

15. Go to bed

16. Read 

(I LOVE that she wrote this AFTER "Go to Bed"... and man, doe she read!! I've gone down to check on her at midnight on a school night and sometimes she's STILL reading!)

I love you, Kaia Bear. 

You're probably a bit too much like me, sweetie. I'm so proud, but watch out world!

Anonymous with a side a STINK!

I don't even know what that title means, but it felt good to type it, so I'm leaving it there. This is not a happy post, friends. You have been warned.

Seriously. I had it all worked out this morning, well, in my head at least.  I was going to start a new blog, an anonymous blog. A blog where I could TRULY vent and tell it like it is. I had a really pitiful name for it and dozens of things I couldn't wait to post about. The thought is still swirling, but the fear of someone finding out who's writing all of these horrible "woe is me" and "this just chaps my hide" kind of posts keeps me from doing it. Yep, you can say it, I'm a chicken.

Can you even create an anonymous blog? I'm sure you can... but I'm sure there's a way you can track down the person who wrote it. I don't trust the cyber world.

I didn't know if "wo", was spelled "wo" or "woe", so I googled it. Did you know that "Woe is me" is a is an American Electro Post-Hardcore band from Atlanta, Georgia.??? Wow, I'd better check them out... ha.

Anyway, today is the day I've been waiting for sort of. The day I knew was coming, but I just didn't know exactly when. The last few weeks things have been going so good. All the kids are healthy, we're building a beautiful new home, Zeke has a great job, I have awesome friends and family, life is just so good, right? I kept thinking something bad was going to happen. I'm not trying to be negative or pessimistic (maybe I am and I just don't realize it), but when things are "up" for so long... there has to be a "down", you know, "opposition in all things" and stuff like that. I just felt like I needed to be prepared.

The really terrible thing is nothing earth-shattering or truly terrible has HAPPENED, I'm just having a really bad day. There I said it. You know when you cry a little and you tell yourself, "Okay, chill, the kids are going to worry and your mascara will be ruined." (I tell myself that a lot) Well, today isn't one of those days. Today I cried so much I had snot dripping down my face and there's no trace whatsoever of the mascara that was there at 8am. Yeah. Woe is me.

You know, the thing that really bugs me is someone once said I'm a "woe is me" kind of person. That  has been a very hard pill to swallow. I don't think they really know me.... most days I'm really upbeat and fine... and yet, it seems like just under the surface is ME. There's probably some truth to that and that's what makes it so hard. The me that freaks out over "nothing", the me that sometimes I just bite my tongue and put up with stuff so long when I finally can't take it anymore I completely lose it and crumple for awhile. The sad thing is, the "crumple for awhile" seems to last longer than it used to.

Okay, so here's the deal. I had my DUMB yearly visit to the OB-GYN this morning. I won't bother taking the time to link to all of my other posts about that, but I think it's fair to say I hate going to the OB-GYN a bit more than your average woman.

Don't worry, everything "looks" fine. Seriously though, what does that mean? How can your cervix LOOK fine. You know, it bugs me so much, because well, for one thing, I can't see for myself. And if I did, I wouldn't know what to look for. I get SO COMPLETELY freaked out on the days leading up to my check-up and clear until I hear the results back on the pap smear.... and even then I worry if they did it right.

Then, add to that the EMBARRASSMENT. I might be neurotic in this sense, but I HATE that check up! Oh man, I hate it SO bad! I feel so violated. I feel so awful. I hate the random chit-chat the Dr. tries to engage you in while they're basically groping and grabbing and poking and prodding and EW! I can't imagine why I even go... but I know it's important. Blah. It's done. Hopefully for another year.

I thought going to a female OB-GYN would help a little. I don't remember last year being quite so bad, but today was AWFUL. Commence the crying. At least I waited until I got in the car...

And then. THEN! This "building a house" thing. Yes, it's exciting and fun and cool and such a blessing, but it can be SO stressful. So incredibly stressful. It has been part of my every day life for over 7 months now. The builder and realtor and owner of the subdivision DO NOT communicate with each other very well. Sometimes I wonder if they communicate at all.  So we end up hearing two or three different versions of everything and we're supposed to magically "know" which is the right one, because: 1) We can read their minds. 2) We've built a house before so we know things.

Well, since NEITHER of those things are true, I almost always feel "in the dark" about stuff. I thought we'd come to an agreement or arrangement of things from here on out. I won't bore you with all of the details before, but basically, I've just wasted about 6 hours of my personal time (which is such a precious thing to begin with). I have got to chill and just let go and chalk it up to experience and just count it towards the whole process.

One person told me to go pick out our flooring wherever, so I did. I thought the other two people knew of this and were in agreement. I mean, as in, I told one of them on the phone this is what I'm doing... Oh my. There are some people that I struggle with. Whoa. I've researched and called and visited several different flooring stores looking for the best quality I can get for the flooring budget we were given. (Which isn't much!) You know, I just feel like people don't listen.

Anyway, now, today, after all of that, I've been told, "No, actually we need to have you go through a specific place and we'll just give you some choices from there..." ARGGGGGHHH!!! Really? You couldn't tell me that a week ago... um, when I asked you? Do you have any idea the time I have spent looking for flooring? The things I could've been doing instead? Yeah, it's all water under the bridge, really. I know. I know. Blah.

Poor me, we're building a house and I wasted time looking for flooring when I didn't need to. It's just so hard. I feel so lost and Zeke is so busy, I feel like I'm basically doing it all on my own. I just want to be done with all the phone calls and emails.

I will say though, I found a really good deal within our budget and I've learned a lot about flooring and about service and people. "All these things shall give thee experience and shall be for they good..."

And then there's the email shortly thereafter stating our leftover budget for upgrades and what we've used so far... um, yeah. The communication thing isn't going so well. I'll spare you the gory details, but we were told we had a certain amount left when in reality that amount is the total amount before any of the upgrades have been deducted. Does that make sense? Basically, even an extra outlet costs $$$ and it just goes up from there. It's been hard to come to an agreement on wants vs. needs with everyone involved. I'll just leave it at that.

We're okay. Our loan amount will cover it, but it's just more. Not just more $$$, but more paperwork with the builders and me feeling like I have to beg them to let me upgrade this or that and apologize all the while.  I just want it to be done. I want to unpack all of these boxes and not ever utter the phrase, "Sorry, it's still packed" to anyone EVER again. I'm just so tired.

I just want to say so much more and sometimes I really think it would be great to have an anonymous blog to do all that. But I don't want to dwell on the negative. We are so blessed. I just feel so darn angry some times. Neglected and ignored and overworked and "under-demeciated" and yeah, "woe is me". Did I tell you how ornery teenagers can be sometimes? (Mom, forgive me please, I was THE worst teenager ever!)

Do you ever feel alone? Just SO alone. In a crowd of people. In the middle of your noisy house with all of your family and cats. I still feel so alone sometimes. I'm just so convenient and reliable. I'm not interesting or exciting.

I have this dream of living on a farm somewhere and Zeke and I could be school teachers or owners of a bookstore or bakery or something like that and we could raise chickens and have four-wheelers and well, live right up the street from my Mom. We're just SO busy, but it's a different kind of busy. You farmers correct me if I'm wrong, I could be completely delusional as far as that goes. We're just running everywhere all the time and Zeke is rarely home. It's interesting to see the older kids "need" me less and less. They "want" me less. Oh, I need to stop. I just feel sad today. I think I'm just tired.

I think it's Satan working on me. I'm teaching a YW (Young Women) lesson on Sunday and well, whenever I'm preparing for something spiritual like that, I really get tested and tried as far as my faith and patience and strength to do what I've been asked to do. I'm serving in the Stake YW and I seem to be teaching or speaking at least once a month or more, so I'm feeling much more unsettled and tested than I did in the past. Again, "All these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good... right?"

Did I tell you my OB-GYN was asking about our house and I think she lives down the street from me?? Yuck. There's just some things I don't want people to know about me. Those things. Like, when she sees me now will she picture me naked (and laugh!)??? Oh, gosh. Okay, I'm crying again. Man, that really threw me off today.

My friend and I were watching "Groundhog Day" on Saturday (cool, huh?) and we were just talking about what that would really be like, to live the same day over and over again. She said all you can really take with you is your relationships and your knowledge. I just keep thinking about that. We were getting too deep and I think it was annoying our husbands (Zeke, at least). After all, it is Bill Murray!

I just wish there was more time to invest in things that truly matter. I wish I could change things. I wish things could be more simple. I wish I didn't have to go to the OB-GYN once a year, but I do and it's okay. It could be worse...

We are so blessed in SO many way. I'm amazed. I don't feel worthy of our blessings. We have been so healthy for months now -- that is an absolute miracle.

Today is a day when ice cream or flowers or a good book just won't cut it.  I want my Mom. And you know, when I say that, I immediately feel guilty. I think of my nieces and nephew and their Mom (my sister) who's up in heaven. I'm sorry guys, forgive me. My mom is still here, but oh how I wish I could visit her today. I always wonder how you feel on days like this? I hope I can be there for you if you ever need a shoulder to cry on.

Sometimes I wish I was a little kid again. When Zeke comes home from work, all the kids want him and need him. Hugs and help with homework and all that, I think I get jealous sometimes... by the time he gets to me, well, he doesn't. I'm usually in bed before he and Gabe go to bed. They need their Daddy. I need a date!

Wow, I'm a mess. A pathetic baby of a mess today. It's just been lots of things building and then coming to a head all at once. I'm just leaving this up here. I need to put it into words and get it out.

Thanks for the bit of sunshine today: Jessica, Lora, and Shauntae. Your phone calls and texts made me happy. :) Thank goodness for friends.

Christmas Magic

I was so excited during the weeks leading up to Christmas: decorating our little apartment, wrapping presents, baking goodies, reading Christmas stories each night, watching our favorite Christmas movies... I love it all.

The kids got out of school a few days before Christmas and I couldn't be happier. This year has been really crazy. Driving 4 kids to 4 different schools each morning has been insane... I can't seem to get anything accomplished, so I was really looking forward to the break. Just to chill and not drive everywhere all day and tell my kids a thousand times, "Time to get up, let's go, get in the car, we're going to be late, do your homework, go to bed!"

We live in the center of town where it's considered "walking distance" to all of the schools, so there are no buses to pick up my two older kids. Just to catch you up -- we sold our house and moved into an apartment the end of June. 1000 square feet, 6 people, 3 cats, yeah. But it's a actually good thing. We're building a house and it's supposed to be finished by March 1st, so I can almost see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, this is our first move in 9 years. I was really comfortable where we were. I knew everyone in our neighborhood and ward (church group). It was home. Exciting as the thought of building a new house may be, it has been quite an adjustment for all of us. We've been attending our new ward since we moved.

The new ward is nice enough, but it's new. I've really tried to get to know people and yet, I look around and I feel like I hardly know anyone.  We went to church the Sunday before Christmas and I was just feeling so sad. Walking into sacrament meeting, I felt like a total stranger. We sat down and saw so many people -- most of whom we didn't know, families that came to visit other ward members -- I had no idea who was who for that matter.

Anyway, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself... feeling sad that we moved... missing our old ward and neighborhood and friends... feeling very alone and hoping our Christmas break would be happy and relaxing. I've decided that moving is sort of like losing someone you love. Things will never be the same. You see or hear something that reminds you of your lost loved one or your old neighborhood and a flood of memories come back. It can be so overwhelming you feel like you will burst and no one really truly understands how you feel. No matter how wonderful your life is now, there's still something missing. Something that can never be replaced. It's a new "normal".

Sunday was bittersweet. New friends and cheerful smiles, a beautiful Christmas program -- but those familiar faces I've known for so long, those knowing smiles I'd come to rely on, the Christmas programs our ward did, the inside jokes, the special connections, and touching stories that bound us together for 9 years -- it just wasn't the same. That Sunday I couldn't figure out for the life of me why I chose to walk away from all of that. Familiar. Comfortable. Easy. My heart ached to go back, but really, there's no going back. Ever. It will never be the same. I look in the windows of our old home and see warm lights and happy smiles... but it's a new family. That life is gone.

I sound crazy. I know! We chose to leave. We felt like it was time to move on and bring our family closer together for many different reasons. We're so excited about our new house. REALLY. This year, however, I've truly realized it doesn't matter where you live. It matters what's inside you and what you do together as a family WHEREVER you live.

So after sacrament, I had agreed to substitute in nursery with the 3 year olds. I have to admit, I wasn't really looking forward to it. Since moving, I've been asked to sub in Primary (children's classes) a lot. It feels like every Sunday I'm there I'm substituting. I know I could say no, but that's just not me. I know they need help. Anyway, I feel like I haven't gotten to meet very many ladies in our ward because I never get to go to Relief Society. Blah blah blah, whine whine whine, I know. Nine years is a long time. I got really comfortable in our old ward. I knew everyone and everyone knew me. It's just going to take some time.

Nursery ended up being wonderful. The other lady helping in the nursery was so nice and friendly -- it means a lot. The children were adorable. We got to take them into Primary with the older kids for awhile to help them adjust since they would no longer be in nursery starting in January. They were so nervous. They didn't even know me and they held my hand so tight. A few of them had tears in their eyes and told me they wanted to go back to the nursery.

Everyone in the Primary was so excited to have the little nursery kids there. They were so friendly and they had fun songs and games for them -- but the nursery kids were afraid. They wanted something familiar and comfortable and easy. I knew just how they felt! My heart filled with love for these sweet little children. The rest of my Sunday was filled with serving and giving and understanding -- I wasn't feeling sorry for myself anymore. Substituting in nursery that day had been a gift just for me. A tender mercy from a kind and loving Heavenly Father. I loved nursery so much I offered to substitute the following Sunday! :)

Christmas was absolutely magical for me this year. I woke up on Christmas Eve feeling kind of depressed and stressed and blah. Not really sure why -- just a lot going on. I was wishing we could be with family -- we visited our parents for Thanksgiving and decided we would stay home for Christmas. It was snowing like crazy -- I was bummed thinking about our house that is waiting to be shingled and how many more weeks the storm will set us back. I was stressed -- Zeke and I were trying to deal with various issues with our children and it's just very emotionally draining and hard not to wallow in it sometimes. I was tired -- I remember curling up with the family to watch "Elf" around noon and I fell asleep for a bit. I hardly ever sleep in the middle of the day. Not sounding very magical, is it?

Okay, as a family, we like to pick someone to do the "12 days of Christmas" for each year. If I remember, I'll do a blog post about what we actually do -- it's very inexpensive and really fun. Anyway, the person we chose was someone we didn't know very well --  a man who lives by our apartment. He lives alone and well, all six of us wanted him to be the one for various reasons. So that was definitely a great experience -- anonymously leaving treats and gifts on his doorstep each night for eleven nights. We hoped it would bring him some Christmas cheer.

Christmas Eve was the last day. On this day, we all go as a family and introduce ourselves and give the final treat. I was still feeling blah and it was still snowing. We bundled up around 3pm and trudged over to his apartment. He was SO thrilled to finally learn who had been leaving all of the treats. We had met him previously this fall so it was fun to chat and get to know him better. It was then I noticed a little bit of happy creep into my heart, a little less blah -- I was thinking about someone else besides myself.

Directly in front of his apartment is a narrow alleyway on a fairly steep hill. By this time, the snow was at least 6 inches deep and there were no snow plows in sight on Christmas Eve. We ran back over to our apartment, bundled up a little more, grabbed our sleds, and raced back to the alley. It was awesome!    The alley was great: not too fast, not too bumpy, and all to ourselves. It was then I realized I was smiling and laughing AND that I had been for quite awhile.

The man we had just visited came outside and visited some more while we sledded and watched the kids.  He told us more about him --  both his parents had passed away, he was divorced twice, and his kids were grown and married and really didn't visit him much. It's almost as hard for me to type that sentence as it was for me to hear him say it. I can still see his face and the ache I felt in my heart. I wish I could tell you more about him, but I don't want to get too personal.

We had a really good visit and I just knew we needed to invite him over for Christmas Day to eat dinner with us. I looked at Zeke and I knew he was thinking the same thing. So we did. He said he might come. He was invited to his brother's house a couple hours away, but with the storm he wasn't sure if he wanted to travel that far. We encouraged him to come over and hang out with us.

We came in from sledding way past dark and I seriously felt like a little kid again. I can't remember the last time I've felt quite that way. It was truly magical! What a simple thing -- taking treats to a neighbor and spontaneously going sledding on an empty street. Later, we opened our traditional Christmas Eve present (or two or three -- thanks Grandmas and Grandpas!) The kids were excited about their presents, but they kept mentioning how much fun it had been to go sledding and how excited they were to have our new friend over for dinner the next day.

We read the account of the Savior's birth from the Bible and somehow got the kids in bed (notice I didn't say ASLEEP). Christmas morning came bright and early as Beck woke up at 5am wanting to know "did he come? did Santa come?" I think we got everyone up and ready to go around 6am. We opened presents and it was crazy. (I'll save that story for another day.) Anyway... it was mostly good.

After breakfast, I started fixing our Christmas Dinner. We planned to eat at 3pm and there was lots to do. Everyone pitched in and at 2:55, the table was set and ready, so I went to the bathroom to freshen up a bit before dinner. While I was in the bathroom I heard the doorbell ring. A wave of butterflies surged through my stomach -- he's here! I wasn't sure if he would really come. I was nervous, but excited.

We had a great dinner. He was so grateful and kind. He was really interesting to talk to and the conversation just seemed to flow. He kept complimenting our children on their good manners (what the? yeah, it was a truly magical day in many ways). He stayed for a few hours and I felt like it was one of THE best Christmases I've ever had. We talked a lot about our beliefs and membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He is also a member of our Church.

My heart ached for all that he has been through and all that he is going through. Suddenly, my "trials" and "troubles" seemed so incredibly trivial and even foolish and shameful. I tried to empathize with him, but I found myself flailing over every word I'd try to say. He was so happy just to have someone to spend Christmas with and I felt ashamed for feeling so crowded and overwhelmed with my little family sometimes. He has so many health problems and I felt so grateful to realize how healthy we really are and what a blessing that is.

Without any fancy presents, parties, or plans, and basically a "stranger" at our table, I felt closer to the Savior this Christmas than any other Christmas I can recall. I felt His love for me and my sweet little family. I felt His love for this kind man. I felt JOY. I don't know how to describe it, but joy is different from happiness. It is more than happy. It floods your entire mind and body with peace and fulfillment and hope and love. It's the true Spirit of Christmas.

This feeling set the mood for our family. Again, this is not like other Christmases. We're usually all sick and fighting most of the time. We have been SO blessed for Zeke to have two weeks vacation from work. It's been so cold and it has snowed so much, we haven't really gone anywhere. Quite simply, we have spent time together. The clock has literally come to a stop and it has been the most wonderful Christmas, here in this tiny apartment.

Just being together. No plans, no running around, no expectations, no fevers, no doctor visits, no alarm clocks, no homework, no schedules: just playing, cooking, eating, watching movies, building with Legos, taking pictures, laughing, playing video games and board games, singing, dancing, thinking, talking, reading, napping, cuddling, living, being. There is no price tag on the gifts I have received.

"I'm pretty sure this happened over night." Part One: GABE

So, we've been living in this little apartment since June. We're feeling rather cramped. Especially at night when all six of us are here. I swear my kids are ALL legs. Man, there's just no room to move! We were so naive to think our house would be done by the end of November... anyway, it's an adventure, right?

At night when everyone is restless and I don't know what ... we clear out a space in the middle of the living room and turn on some dance music. My dear friend, Sharon, made me the BEST CDs! At least I think so... my kids are asking for Oingo Boingo and Big Audio Dynamite.  I'm feeling rather proud of myself as a parent right now! It's fun to dance around with them and play; the kids need to move and wiggle. I think I do too.

We've had some impromptu dance lessons as well. Last Friday, Zeke was sick. I mean really sick. The doctor said he was getting pneumonia -- yeah, so he laid on the couch while we danced. (He's feeling much better now, by the way.) A slow song came on. I think it was "Never Tear Us Apart" from INXS (oh, the memories!)

Do you ever just REALLY want to slow dance??? Well, I do, and my sweetie was laid up on the couch. I grabbed Gabe. The girls kept giggling and staring as I tried to teach him how to slow dance. I cannot fully explain to you how totally BIZARRE it was to look UP into the eyes of my 14 year old son. (I'm nearly 5'7" already!)

Anyway, I tried to show him how I think it's cool/more romantic/proper/whatever when a guy puts one hand on your waist and "holds your other hand up like this". Are you picturing it? It reminds me of Dirty Dancing, "...spaghetti arms! would you give me some tension, please?" (No, I won't show my kids that movie, but man, I loved it when I was younger.)

So it was one of those moments I will always remember, cheesy I know, but Gabe wasn't too bugged. In fact, he seemed pretty eager to figure out this slow dance thing. Little did I know, it was perfect timing. The very next night, Gabe was at a friend's house and called me to ask if he could go to a Stake Dance with said friend's cousin's Dad. I said sure??? (Gabe has NEVER wanted to go to a Stake Dance before now.) This was around 9pm.

11pm. The door opens. In walks Gabe and his friend, Zach. They were laughing and stumbling about in the way only 14 year old boys can, simultaneously creating a wake of noise and candy wrappers as they crossed the room.

"So how was the dance?" I asked. Immediately, they launched into a VERY animated explanation of learning how to do the Electric Slide and the Macarena. Then, without any reservations whatsoever, they SHOWED us how to do the line dance to "Cotton Eye Joe". Remember, we're in a 1400 sq. ft. apartment with 3 other kids! I laughed SO hard I thought I would burst. It was priceless.

And... then (here it comes) we asked them if they got to slow dance with any girls. They both grinned and said sheepishly, "Yeah, we did." (I could swear there were little heart bubbles swirling and popping around their heads.)

Gabe got real excited and said, "MOM! Oh wow, by the way, thanks for showing me how to hold their hand up and put one hand on their waist! The girls said that was really cool! "

To all of the girls from some random Stake Dance in Sky View... "You're welcome." Oh, if ever I could be a fly on a wall...

I tried to choke down the lump in my throat. You know, maybe this Mom thing has its perks too. He was so excited! I thought, "Oh, my baby boy is slow dancing with girls!!"

Now as I type this, reality sets in and the lump I remember is replaced by a sick butterfly-type feeling in the pit of my stomach, "My baby boy is slow dancing with girls???????"

Oh dang.