Rebel Yell

Hi. I mean HI!! It's been a VERY long time since I've been on the blog... looks like it might need some minors repairs and things. Lots of info and pictures are really outdated.

I've had a few people ask me lately if I'm still blogging and well, you guys made me feel pretty SPECIAL. Thanks for saying you miss me. Even if I can just make you laugh, I will feel like I have contributed something good to the world.

Wow. I don't know about you, but I'm the type of person whose mood can change in an instant. I guess that sounds really immature and unstable... I don't know, maybe it's just the circumstances I'm given that actually create such extreme emotions.

I have so much emotion swirling around inside of me lately I feel as though my head might actually explode! It's like baking soda and vinegar sitting in there, but it's constantly being shaken together, sometimes a little too VIGOROUSLY.

So.... I was thinking back when I first started a blog. It was 2010. I had 4 small children ages 12, 9, 6, and 2 (WOW!) I remember I was serving as the Young Women's President in our ward and I got released that May. I WAS DEVASTATED. I mean. I knew it was time and callings change and all that, but I've never enjoyed a calling as much, before or since I served with the Young Women. It was the BEST!

I decided to start a blog and I don't know... try to occupy my mind and maintain my sanity while raising my 4 kids while Zeke was in school and working full-time. I was lonely and emotional and I needed a place to share my feelings... more than a journal,  a way to connect with others going through similar struggles and have a laugh or TWELVE along the way. I've gotta laugh... or I just might cry.

Well, fast forward 5 years and I'm feeling very much the same as I was, but for very different reasons. I hope I've learned a few things during the last 5 years. I think so. What's changed?? Well, my kids are now 17, 14, 11, and 7 -- how can I truly explain how crazy that is? It's NUTS. Mostly way fun, but NUTS.

And well, I turned 40 this year.... didn't really bug me at all, I guess. I don't mind getting older, but I still feel so young and by that, I definitely DON'T mean I feel like I'm still 20.

I mean I feel like I'm 12. Maybe even 10 some days... yeah.

The music I listen to, the movies I watch, and the books I read would definitely correlate with that feeling....

Last week I was shoe shopping with my kids and my girls talked me in to getting a pair of "combat boots" for myself:

You know... Just LOOKING at this picture makes me smile. I used to have a pair of black 12 hole doc martens in high school... they were my babies. Now these are definitely NOT real doc martens... I'm just too practical cheap to get real ones. Anyway, I'm thrilled with these and they are very tangible evidence of the way I feel inside.  I almost wore them to church today. 

Oh, and I named them Fred and George. (Yes, that would be Weasley. See? I'm 12.)

I feel like a REBEL! I mean. I'm not going to do anything crazy... but I just want to run away sometimes, don't you? Ok, maybe you don't. Now please, before you go call my Bishop and tell him I'm feeling this way... he already knows!!!

You see, my husband IS the new Bishop!!!!! Yeah, I'm not gonna lie... I'm pretty much freaking out. It's just so weird. We are truly blessed, but man, it's just SO WEIRD. Again, I feel 12... so maybe other 40 year old women may not feel quite as traumatized as I do. Help. 

It's been about 6 weeks now and I've decided I need to blog again. I need to vent. I need some advice and moral support. I need to feel normal... whatever that is. 

Just one of those days...

I had this really inspiring blog post in my head a couple days ago... but not today. Today I just feel so off. Sad. Tired. Bummed. Tired. Misunderstood. Tired. Angry. Tired. Regretful. Tired. Resentful. Tired. I just can't stop crying today. It's just one of those days, I guess. Do you ever have days like that?

I did have a great bit of morning with my dear friends. It's been way too long since we got together. If only I wasn't interrupted every 5 minutes by my DUMB cell phone! I feel like I'm running a small company as of late, trying to sell a house and build another one. Wow, as soon as we close, at least half the phone calls will end, right? I cannot begin to express how tired I am of all the phone calls!!!

I feel so put upon by some people. (Don't worry, it's not you. I KNOW these few people I'm referring to don't read my blog.) I'm not even sure what I mean by that. I just feel like I should have it more together than I do. Three of my kids are back in school and one of them has preschool a few days a week. Do you know how short 2-1/2 hours really are? I spent most of that in the car today, because I'm just so whacked out busy and our life is so chaotic, I kinda forgot that middle school has late start on Wednesdays and I just found out this morning that high school also has late start (when my son arrived over an HOUR early!!) At least no one was late, right? However, the teenage grumblings of what could have been an extra 30 minutes of sleeping in are even more annoying! And NOW I have two! OY!!!  

Dear Mom, I am so sorry for being such a horrible, grumpy, emotional, ungrateful, and disobedient teenager. Please, PLEASE, Take your curse back!!!!!!! Please. Really, you are awesome. I don't think I will survive. (I can hear you laughing even 4 hours away. Stop. It's making me laugh and I don't want to laugh, not yet, I'm not sure if it's funny yet!)

I just feel so lame. So lost. So behind. So uninformed. So inefficient. So incapable. Yet everything and everyone in our house depends on ME. Our entire house runs only because of me. And it doesn't run very well, mind you! 

Last night I just felt so awful. Sick awful. By 5pm, I was so completely exhausted that I literally couldn't move. It didn't go over too well. Everyone was floundering at my feet. Mom's sick??? What do we do? This happens occasionally. I just overdo it. I didn't save enough "spoons" to get through the day. 

I just feel broken today. I'm so glad I have a blog just for this reason. I can type away until my heart's content and no one even has to listen (or read) and I don't have to schedule it around my life (sort of) or feel embarrassed about what I say or worry if I'm imposing on someone else's time. I feel like everything is my fault and there's nothing I can do about it. Bleh. 

Do you ever feel like that whole "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" thing is really true?  Sometimes I feel like my husband and I are SO different that we aren't even from the same universe! I love him dearly, I do. It's just hard. We just don't speak the same language sometimes or something?! Honey, I love you. Thanks for sitting by me and for the popsicles last night. :) Honestly, I am a wreck. Did I tell you I'm tired?

My little Beck is home from preschool and he's been so patient. Thank you, Netflix!

On a good note, Beck and Kaia were taking pictures with my phone yesterday and in one of them I saw the book that Gabe has been looking for. It was in the picture! How cool is that? We've looked everywhere for it. I hope it's still there.

Also..... drum roll please........ our buyers texted me this morning.... it looks like we might actually for real be closing on FRIDAY! I don't dare believe it yet or let myself get excited, but just in case, I'm thinking about blasting "Friday, I'm in love" from the CURE on Friday, because of course, that is THE day you play that song for whatever good events may be happening that day. I'm tired. I cannot imagine this being real. I'm going to check my text messages to make sure.


Post Script

Just wanted to let you know how the end of my day was... I got in the car and started my usual round of school pick-ups. When I picked up Gabe, he asked if I could drop him off at home before I picked up Zoe. It's on the way, so I did. When I got home, I walked into the kitchen and Gabe said, "Mama, I got you some ice cream!!!" I said, "What??" He replied, "I just thought you might like some, I know you haven't been feeling well..."
Poor kid. He truly had NO idea what kind of day (or days) I've had. I haven't even really told you half of all that's been going on. Well, I just crumpled to the floor in tears. I don't think he knew what to do. I was so happy. I hugged him and thanked him and hugged him again. Gabe was SO sweet. I cannot convey to you how significant this small act of kindness is. Right NOW. From HIM. To ME. I will never forget it. There's hope. Never give up.

THEN!!! If that wasn't cool enough -- my dear hubby read my blog post and came home early from work with a bouquet of roses! He also fixed dinner and cleaned the kitchen. It was SO thoughtful of him. I really appreciate all that he does for me, especially when I'm not feeling well. Poor guy, didn't know what he was getting into when he married me! :)

Today is a new day....

Un-crafty, Un"scoped", Undaunt-ed?

I am feeling a bit better today as far as my anxiety and that "sense of impending doom" feeling I was having on Tuesday. I talked to my Mom and my niece, Angee, on the phone and I took a bath. But I still felt anxious all day Tuesday. I went to a Relief Society Craft Night and I just could NOT focus. Just ask my dear neighbor, Lora, we stood around the food table and snacked and talked. ("Don't ask me... I'm just here for the food." hee hee) And she says, "Well, I didn't sign up to make anything, did you?" And I did! Lots of stuff... more than I could possibly complete in 2 hours even if I was focused! I was hoping to make some inexpensive Christmas presents for friends and neighbors (Shhh, it's supposed to be a surprise!) Why in the world do I do stuff like that? Anyway, Lora helped me cut out my felt nativity puppet thingies, is she cool or what!? uh huh! We had fun, but I sure didn't get much accomplished.

Ok, so remember back before Halloween and I was supposed to go to the urologist? Well, I did and it was a surprisingly good visit. (If you want details, I put some in a comment on this post.) Very helpful and informative AND I was able to remain fully clothed. Well...

Yesterday I was supposed to go see the urologist again and have a "bladder scope". Um, I do NOT think those two words should be in the same sentence together. Especially when it's referring to MY bladder! However, I woke up yesterday feeling yucky... like I was getting a cold or something. Who knows? Maybe I was being a chicken baby again... I really didn't feel good, but I was also REALLY freaked out about having this procedure done. (No, they do NOT numb you and YES, I would be awake!) But I rescheduled for the first week in December. Basically the urologist, Dr. Pitcher (like a pitcher of water? hee hee), says I have Interstitial Cystitis. It's very embarrassing, but there it is! It's kind of like an ulcer in your bladder, sort of. He needs to see if the lining of my bladder has any actual holes in it and how bad the lining is breaking down among other things.

Why on Earth would anyone want to be a urologist? Have you ever asked a child, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" And they get all excited and say, "Ooh, I want to be a urologist and look inside people's bladders!" Nope, I've never met a child like that. Oh, I would laugh if one of my children becomes a urologist! I wonder when Dr. Pitcher decided to be a urologist. He's actually really nice. He uses the word 'barbaric" a lot when referring to the pain and discomfort I've been going through. I like people that use dramatic words like that. I feel like he's sympathizing with me. We'll see how much I like him after my "bladder scope".

The best quote from Sister Hinckley:
"If you can laugh at it, you can live with it."

So anyway.... I'm changing the subject!
Here's a family photo from our Halloween Party at church
(Thanks, Stoddard family):

You know that Primary song, "A Happy Family"
(sing along if you want!)

I love "Luna Lovegood" she loves me.
We love "Princess Leia", yes siree; HE loves us and so you see,
We are a crazy family!

I love "Zoe the Blue Fairy" she loves me.
We love Beck, even though he refused to wear a costume;
He loves us and so you see,
We are a crazy family!

I love "Kaia the Rose Princess" she loves me.
We love the "Orange Mummy",
even though he REALLY didn't want his picture taken,
He loves us and so you see,

We are a crazy family!

P.S. I will triumph!
P.P.S. Happy 15th Birthday to my beautiful great-niece, Jayden!