Rebel Yell

Hi. I mean HI!! It's been a VERY long time since I've been on the blog... looks like it might need some minors repairs and things. Lots of info and pictures are really outdated.

I've had a few people ask me lately if I'm still blogging and well, you guys made me feel pretty SPECIAL. Thanks for saying you miss me. Even if I can just make you laugh, I will feel like I have contributed something good to the world.

Wow. I don't know about you, but I'm the type of person whose mood can change in an instant. I guess that sounds really immature and unstable... I don't know, maybe it's just the circumstances I'm given that actually create such extreme emotions.

I have so much emotion swirling around inside of me lately I feel as though my head might actually explode! It's like baking soda and vinegar sitting in there, but it's constantly being shaken together, sometimes a little too VIGOROUSLY.

So.... I was thinking back when I first started a blog. It was 2010. I had 4 small children ages 12, 9, 6, and 2 (WOW!) I remember I was serving as the Young Women's President in our ward and I got released that May. I WAS DEVASTATED. I mean. I knew it was time and callings change and all that, but I've never enjoyed a calling as much, before or since I served with the Young Women. It was the BEST!

I decided to start a blog and I don't know... try to occupy my mind and maintain my sanity while raising my 4 kids while Zeke was in school and working full-time. I was lonely and emotional and I needed a place to share my feelings... more than a journal,  a way to connect with others going through similar struggles and have a laugh or TWELVE along the way. I've gotta laugh... or I just might cry.

Well, fast forward 5 years and I'm feeling very much the same as I was, but for very different reasons. I hope I've learned a few things during the last 5 years. I think so. What's changed?? Well, my kids are now 17, 14, 11, and 7 -- how can I truly explain how crazy that is? It's NUTS. Mostly way fun, but NUTS.

And well, I turned 40 this year.... didn't really bug me at all, I guess. I don't mind getting older, but I still feel so young and by that, I definitely DON'T mean I feel like I'm still 20.

I mean I feel like I'm 12. Maybe even 10 some days... yeah.

The music I listen to, the movies I watch, and the books I read would definitely correlate with that feeling....

Last week I was shoe shopping with my kids and my girls talked me in to getting a pair of "combat boots" for myself:

You know... Just LOOKING at this picture makes me smile. I used to have a pair of black 12 hole doc martens in high school... they were my babies. Now these are definitely NOT real doc martens... I'm just too practical cheap to get real ones. Anyway, I'm thrilled with these and they are very tangible evidence of the way I feel inside.  I almost wore them to church today. 

Oh, and I named them Fred and George. (Yes, that would be Weasley. See? I'm 12.)

I feel like a REBEL! I mean. I'm not going to do anything crazy... but I just want to run away sometimes, don't you? Ok, maybe you don't. Now please, before you go call my Bishop and tell him I'm feeling this way... he already knows!!!

You see, my husband IS the new Bishop!!!!! Yeah, I'm not gonna lie... I'm pretty much freaking out. It's just so weird. We are truly blessed, but man, it's just SO WEIRD. Again, I feel 12... so maybe other 40 year old women may not feel quite as traumatized as I do. Help. 

It's been about 6 weeks now and I've decided I need to blog again. I need to vent. I need some advice and moral support. I need to feel normal... whatever that is. 

Like Mother, Like Daughter -- Part 2

HAPPY 71st BIRTHDAY to my wonderful Mom, Rosalind!

She is one of my VERY best friends. We can talk on the phone for HOURS about nothing and feel like we've said everything. We change subjects faster than I can type this post. We finish each others sentences and we know what the other one means even when it makes no sense. Just one word can cause fits of laughter or teary, Spirit-filled silence. Testimonies are shared and strengthened. Advice is given and appreciated. Laughs are many and meaningful. She LOVES me. Some days I cannot understand why, but she does.

She is a tough cookie and I mean that in a good way. She has sacrificed so much and has patience and "sticktoitiveness" in spades. I am like her in many ways. I want to be so much more like her. I can hear her voice through mine sometimes... it makes me laugh (because I thought I'd never be like her) and cry (because I wish I could see her more).

I love when something makes us laugh. I love when she talks about the past. I love to hear about my Mom and her brothers growing up. I love to hear about my Mom and Dad when they were first married. I love when she tells me about a good book she is reading. I love how much she loves Zeke and my children. I love how she does things. She is very practical and organized.

I love to wander through any store with her and go "bumming." I love to watch ice skating with her. I love when I was little and I would go out to eat with my Mom and my Grandma Bonnie and they would fight over who was paying for the food and would throw cash back and forth at one another until one of them got some of the cash past the car window and into the drive-thru window to the cashier.

I love when my Mom sees a mouse (Sorry, Mom, I can't help it, it's so funny when you scream!)

I love how much fun we have doing nothing. I love when people tell me "you look so much like Rosy"! I love when she gets peeved with my Dad and tells him about it! She is SPUNKY! I love to see her grow in the gospel and tell me about her Sunday School Class. I love when the phone rings and I just KNOW it's her... and it is! She listens to me complain and cry and worry about everything. She just listens. And when I ask her, she always gives me wonderful advice. Wonderful because she knows me so well and wonderful because she always tries to be positive just like a good Mother should be.

I know I gave you most of your gray hair back when I was in High School, Mom, and I'm sorry for that. But I made it and you stood by me no matter what! I regret so much the years I was in high school and was a horrible hormonal brat. Thank you, Mom, for not shipping me off to some loony bin or just completely losing it and stringing me up from one of our apple trees by my toenails!

Thank you for teaching me to work. Oh, I remember washing dishes standing on a chair so I could reach the sink while you were buzzing around cleaning the kitchen and would come by and plop an extra spoon or three into the water. I would get SO mad!

Thank you for sticking up for me when Tonya's Mom threw away my Metallica? (I think it was) cassette, even though I probably didn't deserve it. Thank you for always letting my friends come over and making us feel so welcome. Everyone loved coming to our house because you were so nice. Thanks for forgiving me when I scorched a perfect iron shape on your light pink pants. Thanks for always having a houseful on the holidays and fixing us yummy food and always making sure there are clean towels for everyone.

Thanks for being an example in our family and being sealed in the temple to Dad, so I could be sealed to you. This is a miracle in my life.

Mom, I am forever grateful to you... YOU light up my life.

The yams did it!

There's an old Daffy Duck cartoon where "Tom Turkey" begs Daffy Duck to hide him from Porky Pig who is hoping to kill a nice big turkey for Thanksgiving. Daffy promises the turkey he'll hide him from Porky and never tell where he is. Well, Porky Pig begins telling Daffy Duck about all the yummy things he would have eaten if he had a turkey to go with it. By the time he mentions candied yams, Daffy's mouth is watering and finally he can't stand it any longer and shouts, "The yams did it! It was the yams! The yams did it!" and he breaks his promise to poor Tom Turkey and tells Porky where he is. Anyway, our family always thought this was so funny and to this day whenever we do something we said we weren't going to, we'll say,"The yams did it! It was the yams that did it!" It's one of our bizarre Thanksgiving "traditions" I guess... I love how my Mom says it. Anyway...

Kaia got to have a Thanksgiving Feast at school on Tuesday.
This was the Indian costume she made.
(No our windows aren't frosted... they're covered in SNOW!)

Well, our long weekend started out pretty exciting I guess. On Tuesday, the National Weather Service issued a blizzard warning for Logan. They closed the children's schools at noon and even closed the University at 2pm in anticipation of the big storm. We sat in the living room and looked out the window and waited... around 3pm the first few flakes began to fall. By 3:15 the wind was blowing so hard it was a total white-out and by 4pm, all our windows were covered from top to bottom with snow. It was very pretty, but kinda freaky at the same time.

The kids and I were quite antsy until Zeke made it home from work. I put a movie on and made dinner. Zeke called around 5pm and said he was on his way. Normally it takes him less than 10 minutes to get home... but he didn't pull up in the driveway until 5:45! It was crazy out there. He got stuck a few times and said at one point a guy got out of his car and jumped on Zeke's back bumper to give him enough traction to get going (this is pretty normal for people in Logan and everyone's pretty cool to help one another). It continued to snow and blow through much of the night. I went to bed thinking we'd be snowed in (this has only happened once in the 9+ years we have lived here). However, we woke up the next morning and it was just another day. The wind had stopped and there was only about 5 or 6 inches of snow. The blizzard itself was the scary part... it came down fast and hard. I'm thankful we're all okay and the power didn't go out or anything.

On Wednesday, Gabe went sledding with some friends, Beck took a nap (THANK YOU!!) and the girls and I made pies. This was a definite highlight of my holiday. Do you remember back in June when Zeke made the portable island for our kitchen? Okay, Wednesday just made it all worth it 100 times over! It was so nice to have room for everyone to work (and play). I really felt like I could get the pies done at the same time I was playing with the girls and teaching them how to do things and letting them do their own thing too. Lots of room and great traffic flow... oh, how I have waited for that. Thanks, honey, for doing it MY way! :)

I made 5 pies (yeah, for 6 people.. you might think that's a bit much, but we are 6 people who REALLY like pies!) And the girls each made 3 mini-pies of their own. We listened to Zoe's practice CD for her TaVaci performing group and we wore our matching aprons and drank hot chocolate. It was really great. They are my little girlfriends in every way. I feel so blessed.

I had a good Thanksgiving really. I'm just one of those silly people who get these great expectations in my mind of how special a holiday is going to be and then when it turns out just normal or a little chaotic or even a bit depressing, I get super bummed.

Right after breakfast, everyone wanted to go outside and play in the snow. I was busy fixing dinner. Zeke helped the kids get ready and went out with them. Zoe came in and was really cold. She was building an igloo and you know when the sleeves of your coat are too short to cover the bottom of your gloves so the snow keeps coming in? Anyway, I figured since I was inside cooking, she could wear my coat and it would cover her arms better.

I dug out my heavy winter coat and started cleaning out the pockets... I found a whole stack of church permission slips from one of the last Young Women activities I went to. We went sledding in February. I started crying. Gabe and Zeke said, "What's wrong? What is it!?" I cried through the words, "It's permission slips!!!" (like that should explain why I was so upset) Oh man, I was a mess! For those of you that don't know, I served in the Young Women's in my ward for nearly 4 years and was just released this May.

It's been a strange grieving process, not unlike losing a dear loved one. Really. The feelings come and go quite strongly at times. Some days I'll be totally fine and other days, something will hit me: like a song, or a fun memory, or in this case, a stack of old permission slips, and I completely fall apart. This was one of those days. Oh how I miss it! I am overwhelmed with sadness sometimes... those youth are so awesome!! I feel rather lost without them. I love them dearly... okay, now I'm crying again. I guess that unexpected event set the mood for my day. I really tried to enjoy everything, but I just felt this aching loneliness that wouldn't go away.

I had to get out of the house. I went to the store with Gabe to get some ice cream (it is NOT okay to eat pie without ice cream at our house!) We can have a lot of fun together. We were just laughing and joking together. I think it was the highlight of the day. I am so thankful for laughter! It keeps me going. We saw a guy in sweats jogging through the store with a can of "Reddi-Whip" in each fist... he was on a mission and no one was stopping him! Actually, he looked like a guy who was in the middle of a really great football game while his wife was in the kitchen slaving away at the big dinner and she said, "Honey, I need you to go to the store right now and get some whip cream, I forgot to get some!" And he was grumbling about it JUST a bit. It was SO funny, really. Gabe and I waited until the guy was about 5 feet away and we just exploded laughing... good times. We tried to imitate him for everyone when we got home, but they didn't laugh too much. Well, you just had to be there!

I really wanted to spend the holiday with some of my extended family, especially my Mom and Dad, but with finals just around the corner, Zeke really needed to be here to study and couldn't spare the time to travel. I sent an open invitation to my family at the Northern end of the state for anyone who might like to come for dinner... homemade pies, people! I couldn't help myself... I kept looking at the clock and looking out the window hoping someone would pull up. I know the weather was bad and people already had other plans... but I just wished this year would be the year someone would come to our house. By 2:30, I had to tell myself out loud that nobody is coming so I'd better get over it. I am a big baby.

Our dinner was good. Zeke and I both worked really hard and fixed all the classic stuff even though it was just for the 6 of us. We waited for the yams to be done and debated about starting without them, but we both agreed we love yams enough that dinner will have to wait for them. We got the table set and all the food ready. I checked the yams and they were pretty much done, so I turned the oven off and left the yams in while we said the prayer and such. And then I didn't even think about the yams until the next evening... (shows you how much I really like them!) Beck was being Beck and well, he's very "flusterating" sometimes... my mind is pretty much gone with this kid.

Zeke told the kids the night before he wanted them to think about something really special they are thankful for. Before we ate, we went around the table and told everyone what we were thankful for:

Gabe -- Thanksgiving (and all the good food)
Kaia -- Heavenly Father
Beck -- POPCORN!! (it sounds more like "Pa-kern!")
Zoe -- doctors and medicine
Me -- the Atonement (where would I be?)
Zeke -- me and the sacrifice I make to stay home with the children
(okay, I was crying again, I don't think I deserved that,
but it was very sweet)

Then, about 20 minutes later... dinner was over! WOW! All that time and effort for 20 minutes?! But I will say, the Rainbow Jello from my friend's food blog was a huge success! It was so AWESOME!! Here we are posing for a picture, while our beloved yams are sitting in the oven completely forgotten:

On Friday, Zoe got to perform with her TaVaci group at the Novemberfest (like a big arts and craft fair thing). It was really fun to watch her. She gets better every time. One of my favorite songs she sang goes like this, "Santa is the man and he's got a plan! I'm his biggest fan and he's comin' on Christmas!" kinda like a rap... it was so cute! And I can't get it out of my head. I was going to put up a little video of it, but I felt a bit seasick after previewing it... I need to have at least a 3 foot barrier from Beck if I'm trying to video anything... he kept bumping me and sitting on me and saying, "Mommy, I want more candy!" (yeah, I was trying to bribe him to sit still)

After lunch on Friday, I declared it was "Christmas decoration time!" I have been waiting! Zeke had to study, Gabe went sledding again... (oh well?) So it was the girls and Beck (aka The Ornament Destroyer). But we had fun anyway... I love to watch my children decorate the Christmas tree. They always seem to gather as many ornaments as they can on just one branch. I love our little old Christmas tree. It's nothing fancy, but I think it's beautiful. Every year, we take turns having one child put the tree topper/spire thing on... don't you love Zeke's face? Kaia does.
We were still putting up decorations around 5pm and I thought I'd better start some dinner. I chose a crowd-favorite: pizza. So while I was mixing the yeast for the dough, I turned the oven on and went about making the sauce, letting the dough raise, and putting away storage bins from the Christmas stuff. Well, about 15 minutes later, I noticed a strange smell coming from the kitchen... something was burning! I ran to the oven and opened it to find yesterday's YAMS burned and yucky. DANG IT! (like Kip on Napoleon Dynamite when he drives over the plastic bowl and smashes it) I should have taken a picture I guess... do you really want to see a pan full of burned yams? I've seen some pretty weird pictures on blogs... like string cheese that looks like jerky (ha ha ha). Anyway, it wasn't anything too serious, but I had to laugh! I cannot believe we forgot all about the yams...

This morning while I was doing dishes, some of the clean ones began to topple over. I tried to grab them, but they crashed to the floor. One of my baking stones shattered and my electric griddle broke in 4 places. :( I was pretty bummed. I was mad at myself. I was trying to hurry and just get them done. I guess I stacked them too high. But I thought, at least no one got hurt. Well, I guess I'll be getting a new griddle for Christmas...sigh.

What I really want for Christmas is for Zeke to graduate. I don't want to feel guilty anymore when I ask him to help me when he should be studying. I don't want to live our lives by the semester calendar anymore and change plans or not make any plans at all because Zeke has a test or a project due. I want to have more time to just be together and not always be rushing through dinner and scriptures and everything. Anyway, I don't want to have unrealistic expectations... maybe it won't be that different. Maybe it will. But I want to be done. Say a prayer for us, please?

Here's a great scripture I found this week:
1 Nephi 18:16: "Nevertheless, I did look unto my God, and I did praise him all the day long; and I did not murmur against the Lord because of mine afflictions." (Nephi is saying this while his wrists and ankles are very swollen and sore from being tied up by his brothers and they are mocking him... yeah, I really shouldn't complain!)

One more important thing, last night, I had the yummiest creation: Razzleberry Pie with Spumoni Ice Cream. Okay, I think it beat the Pecan Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream. Well, maybe they tied. Mmmmm!

Busy Bee

Here's some pictures of our trip to Bear Lake last weekend. The water's really high this year, not much beach area. But we had a great time anyway.


Zoe and Beck are in our little cubby shelf thing by the garage... the kids love to climb up there.


And also a picture of Zoe's Halloween dress she's been begging me to make ever since we found the fabric in my storage box a few months ago (it's not going to be that long) She's going to be the Blue Fairy from "Pinocchio". (The fabric we already have is blue, so that's what I suggested she could be, aren't I sneaky?)

Well, I don't know what's up with me, I've just been busy busy lately... I've got this sewing bug and even a yard work bug and cleaning bug (Man, I must be sick, because this is NOT like me!) Maybe I'm finally recovering some energy after being released in May from almost 4 years in Young Women's. If I were pregnant (NO!!!! I'm NOT!) -- I would call all of this energy "nesting" I suppose. It feels good to get a bunch of little things done that I've been neglecting forever and in some cases I've even forgot about. I found two cute shirts of mine in my sewing basket today that have needed mending for so long... I forgot I had them! Wow!! It feels like I have new clothes.

However, I just haven't really been in the mood to blog. Too many thoughts and feelings I don't really want to share with anyone. Too many crazy things going on. I want to be positive and share good things. I've always been a bit of a non-conformist type person. Not quite sure if that's the right word, but I just kinda do my own thing. Every once in awhile I'll meet someone who doesn't mind that about me, but usually people just can't handle it. Well, I'm pretty sure I'm a complete nutter, but what the hey, I have an awesome husband and 4 healthy children to love me anyway. Thanks to my friend, Jill, for the quote: "There is pleasure, sure, in being mad, which none but madmen know!" -John Dryden

We are looking forward to Zeke finishing school in December! We're still hoping and praying for enough money to pay his tuition. We don't have all of it yet, but I have a very good feeling whenever I think or pray about it. I know something will happen to help us get him through school. I'm so thankful for the companionship of the Holy Ghost. It is so wonderful not to be stressed about it.

I also wanted to share another great reminder of the power of prayer and faith. Well, just to set up the story, Zeke gets paid on the 5th and the 20th of every month. Friday was the 16th and well, we're out of money (no biggie, it's just the way it is right now). I've got plenty of food in the house, but I looked at some recipes and thought if I just had some egg noodles, carrots, and mozzarella cheese, I could put together some nice meals until Tuesday. (not those things together necessarily) So, I'm a very straight forward person when it comes to prayer. I knelt down and asked Heavenly Father if I could come up with just enough money for those things I would be fine until payday. Later that day, I went to get the mail and guess what?! Yep, there in the mailbox was a $5 rebate check from a rebate I had sent in months ago and forgot about. Is it a coincidence that it arrived on Friday? I think not!! Jeffrey R. Holland said, "A coincidence is a small miracle in which God chooses to remain anonymous." Thank YOU very much... I went to the store today and got exactly what I wanted. (and free candy for the kids from the bank! SCORE!!) I know that Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers.

I also like another quote from Mary Poppins, "Enough is as good as a feast." I am truly thankful for the desire we have had to follow the prophet and "live within our means". It has been a great blessing in our family. We are so happy for little things and we are so good at not spending money. Try it, it's harder than you think, but I promise you that the peace that comes with it is priceless!

I'm rambling... I should be going through my Primary lesson..... ok, that's why I've got all of this energy to do OTHER things... it's called PROCRASTINATION... now if that's not the best motivator to do anything but the thing you're supposed to be doing, I don't know what is :) Hope you're all having a FABULOUS summer!

"She's goes around in circles 'til she's very, very dizzy..."

This is who I feel like most days
(although I wouldn't mind looking like her as well)

Here's me bathing the kids (October 2008?)

My life feels like that song from Cinderella. "Lacerelli, Lacerelli, night and day, it's Lacerelli! Make the breakfast, wash the dishes, do the bills and the moppin'.... they always keep her hoppin'... she goes around in circles 'til she's very, very dizzy, still they holler, keep her busy, Lacerelli..."

I think I've finally realized why I get so worn out at the end of the day (really!) Not just from all of my responsibilities as a mother and actual physical work, but from all the stuff that goes on in my head. I am an emotional roller coaster ALL the time. My brain is constantly churning... even as I type, I'm thinking of what I want to write here, while I "turn down the volume" on all the other "channels" playing through my head.

Just reviewed our budget (again), making a grocery list, need dryer sheets, milk, diapers, apples, call Jessica, call Julie, call Nancy, call Ranae, comment on Stephanie's blog, forward the Dave Barry article to my Mom, put the clothes in the dryer, get cards for graduating Laurels, pick up Zoe at 2:30, I hope she has a good day at school, what should I fix for breakfast, what should I fix for dinner, I should shower before the kids wake up, Kaia needs her medicine, I should really sweep up the beads on the floor, here comes the garbage truck, is that really how you spell laughter?, the computer desk looks dusty, I should change my blog background, I should change the air filter in our furnace, I should clean the litter boxes, I should vacuum (again), I should mow the lawn, I need to go to the temple, I miss my Mom, I need to make those DVD's for her and Patty, I can't wait until the 4th of July, I need to call the Dr. about Gabe's stitches (again), I wonder what the YM activity is tonight, I wonder if there is one?, where exactly did $700 just go? (really!), I shouldn't have bought that new mop, I need to get something for Melissa's baby, oh, and Father's Day is coming up, I need to get cards, I need to get a birthday present for Zoe's friend, I need to take Brody's sippy cup back, I need to drop off yet another box of YW stuff to Vickie, I need to shower and someday shave my legs! ok, ok, I could go on forever.... it's no wonder I am tired by dinner!

As soon as I do one thing, another thing pops into my head. And then there's another "channel" I simply try to turn off for most of the day. I really want to read my book, I wonder what will happen to Maggie and Eric, I wonder if Hannah will catch up to them, I wonder when it will snow on the handcart company, I wonder what it would be like to be a handcart pioneer, I wonder if Maggie's mother will make it, I wonder if I would have made it, I wonder what my great-great grandma was like, she was 3 years old in the Willie handcart company, I wonder how her parents kept her safe, I wonder how Gerald Lund has all this time to write and do research, I wonder if I will ever get my book together, I wonder if I should read my other book, it's much shorter, I wonder if I read too much?

My mind is so full ALL the time. It's hard to focus. Am I the only person like this? I pray constantly to be able to focus and prioritize. I feel so scattered. I am so thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It keeps me sane. It gives me hope.
Sister Dalton (YW General President) told the YW about being "100%". She asked them to:
1. Pray morning and night (at least)
2. Read the Book of Mormon for at least 5 minutes each day
3. SMILE

I have earnestly tried to do these 3 things each and every day. And while some days are much harder than others, I look back on the last few months and I can see day to day progress. I'm still climbing. I know most things are getting done. Hopefully the important things. I can remember laughing with my kids. I've made it this far, I can make it through another day. I love the quote from Sister Hinckley, "If you can laugh at it, you can live with it."

"No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true." :) After all, Cinderella did get to go to the ball and dance with the handsome Prince and live "happily ever after...", right?