Here's me bathing the kids (October 2008?)I think I've finally realized why I get so worn out at the end of the day (really!) Not just from all of my responsibilities as a mother and actual physical work, but from all the stuff that goes on in my head. I am an emotional roller coaster ALL the time. My brain is constantly churning... even as I type, I'm thinking of what I want to write here, while I "turn down the volume" on all the other "channels" playing through my head.
My life feels like that song from Cinderella. "Lacerelli, Lacerelli, night and day, it's Lacerelli! Make the breakfast, wash the dishes, do the bills and the moppin'.... they always keep her hoppin'... she goes around in circles 'til she's very, very dizzy, still they holler, keep her busy, Lacerelli..."
Just reviewed our budget (again), making a grocery list, need dryer sheets, milk, diapers, apples, call Jessica, call Julie, call Nancy, call Ranae, comment on Stephanie's blog, forward the Dave Barry article to my Mom, put the clothes in the dryer, get cards for graduating Laurels, pick up Zoe at 2:30, I hope she has a good day at school, what should I fix for breakfast, what should I fix for dinner, I should shower before the kids wake up, Kaia needs her medicine, I should really sweep up the beads on the floor, here comes the garbage truck, is that really how you spell laughter?, the computer desk looks dusty, I should change my blog background, I should change the air filter in our furnace, I should clean the litter boxes, I should vacuum (again), I should mow the lawn, I need to go to the temple, I miss my Mom, I need to make those DVD's for her and Patty, I can't wait until the 4th of July, I need to call the Dr. about Gabe's stitches (again), I wonder what the YM activity is tonight, I wonder if there is one?, where exactly did $700 just go? (really!), I shouldn't have bought that new mop, I need to get something for Melissa's baby, oh, and Father's Day is coming up, I need to get cards, I need to get a birthday present for Zoe's friend, I need to take Brody's sippy cup back, I need to drop off yet another box of YW stuff to Vickie, I need to shower and someday shave my legs! ok, ok, I could go on forever.... it's no wonder I am tired by dinner!
As soon as I do one thing, another thing pops into my head. And then there's another "channel" I simply try to turn off for most of the day. I really want to read my book, I wonder what will happen to Maggie and Eric, I wonder if Hannah will catch up to them, I wonder when it will snow on the handcart company, I wonder what it would be like to be a handcart pioneer, I wonder if Maggie's mother will make it, I wonder if I would have made it, I wonder what my great-great grandma was like, she was 3 years old in the Willie handcart company, I wonder how her parents kept her safe, I wonder how Gerald Lund has all this time to write and do research, I wonder if I will ever get my book together, I wonder if I should read my other book, it's much shorter, I wonder if I read too much?
My mind is so full ALL the time. It's hard to focus. Am I the only person like this? I pray constantly to be able to focus and prioritize. I feel so scattered. I am so thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It keeps me sane. It gives me hope.
Sister Dalton (YW General President) told the YW about being "100%". She asked them to:
1. Pray morning and night (at least)
2. Read the Book of Mormon for at least 5 minutes each day
I have earnestly tried to do these 3 things each and every day. And while some days are much harder than others, I look back on the last few months and I can see day to day progress. I'm still climbing. I know most things are getting done. Hopefully the important things. I can remember laughing with my kids. I've made it this far, I can make it through another day. I love the quote from Sister Hinckley, "If you can laugh at it, you can live with it."
"No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true." :) After all, Cinderella did get to go to the ball and dance with the handsome Prince and live "happily ever after...", right?