Just one of those days...

I had this really inspiring blog post in my head a couple days ago... but not today. Today I just feel so off. Sad. Tired. Bummed. Tired. Misunderstood. Tired. Angry. Tired. Regretful. Tired. Resentful. Tired. I just can't stop crying today. It's just one of those days, I guess. Do you ever have days like that?

I did have a great bit of morning with my dear friends. It's been way too long since we got together. If only I wasn't interrupted every 5 minutes by my DUMB cell phone! I feel like I'm running a small company as of late, trying to sell a house and build another one. Wow, as soon as we close, at least half the phone calls will end, right? I cannot begin to express how tired I am of all the phone calls!!!

I feel so put upon by some people. (Don't worry, it's not you. I KNOW these few people I'm referring to don't read my blog.) I'm not even sure what I mean by that. I just feel like I should have it more together than I do. Three of my kids are back in school and one of them has preschool a few days a week. Do you know how short 2-1/2 hours really are? I spent most of that in the car today, because I'm just so whacked out busy and our life is so chaotic, I kinda forgot that middle school has late start on Wednesdays and I just found out this morning that high school also has late start (when my son arrived over an HOUR early!!) At least no one was late, right? However, the teenage grumblings of what could have been an extra 30 minutes of sleeping in are even more annoying! And NOW I have two! OY!!!  

Dear Mom, I am so sorry for being such a horrible, grumpy, emotional, ungrateful, and disobedient teenager. Please, PLEASE, Take your curse back!!!!!!! Please. Really, you are awesome. I don't think I will survive. (I can hear you laughing even 4 hours away. Stop. It's making me laugh and I don't want to laugh, not yet, I'm not sure if it's funny yet!)

I just feel so lame. So lost. So behind. So uninformed. So inefficient. So incapable. Yet everything and everyone in our house depends on ME. Our entire house runs only because of me. And it doesn't run very well, mind you! 

Last night I just felt so awful. Sick awful. By 5pm, I was so completely exhausted that I literally couldn't move. It didn't go over too well. Everyone was floundering at my feet. Mom's sick??? What do we do? This happens occasionally. I just overdo it. I didn't save enough "spoons" to get through the day. 

I just feel broken today. I'm so glad I have a blog just for this reason. I can type away until my heart's content and no one even has to listen (or read) and I don't have to schedule it around my life (sort of) or feel embarrassed about what I say or worry if I'm imposing on someone else's time. I feel like everything is my fault and there's nothing I can do about it. Bleh. 

Do you ever feel like that whole "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" thing is really true?  Sometimes I feel like my husband and I are SO different that we aren't even from the same universe! I love him dearly, I do. It's just hard. We just don't speak the same language sometimes or something?! Honey, I love you. Thanks for sitting by me and for the popsicles last night. :) Honestly, I am a wreck. Did I tell you I'm tired?

My little Beck is home from preschool and he's been so patient. Thank you, Netflix!

On a good note, Beck and Kaia were taking pictures with my phone yesterday and in one of them I saw the book that Gabe has been looking for. It was in the picture! How cool is that? We've looked everywhere for it. I hope it's still there.

Also..... drum roll please........ our buyers texted me this morning.... it looks like we might actually for real be closing on FRIDAY! I don't dare believe it yet or let myself get excited, but just in case, I'm thinking about blasting "Friday, I'm in love" from the CURE on Friday, because of course, that is THE day you play that song for whatever good events may be happening that day. I'm tired. I cannot imagine this being real. I'm going to check my text messages to make sure.


Post Script

Just wanted to let you know how the end of my day was... I got in the car and started my usual round of school pick-ups. When I picked up Gabe, he asked if I could drop him off at home before I picked up Zoe. It's on the way, so I did. When I got home, I walked into the kitchen and Gabe said, "Mama, I got you some ice cream!!!" I said, "What??" He replied, "I just thought you might like some, I know you haven't been feeling well..."
Poor kid. He truly had NO idea what kind of day (or days) I've had. I haven't even really told you half of all that's been going on. Well, I just crumpled to the floor in tears. I don't think he knew what to do. I was so happy. I hugged him and thanked him and hugged him again. Gabe was SO sweet. I cannot convey to you how significant this small act of kindness is. Right NOW. From HIM. To ME. I will never forget it. There's hope. Never give up.

THEN!!! If that wasn't cool enough -- my dear hubby read my blog post and came home early from work with a bouquet of roses! He also fixed dinner and cleaned the kitchen. It was SO thoughtful of him. I really appreciate all that he does for me, especially when I'm not feeling well. Poor guy, didn't know what he was getting into when he married me! :)

Today is a new day....

The Quest for Erszebet

I like unique names. I like learning the meaning of names. We were very thoughtful about the names of our children and their meanings. We wanted to give them a name that could inspire them to be something great. A name they could be proud of.

Earlier this year I was at the temple and I came across a super cool name, Erszebet. Apparently, it is the Hungarian form of Elizabeth. I am SO in love with it! I came home and told Zeke if we have another baby and it's a girl, I'm going to name her Erszebet. It's so beautiful and unique. Elizabeth means "God's oath" or "God's abundance". Unfortunately, Zeke didn't hear anything past "if we have another baby".

No, we're done on that front as far as I know, but I just knew I needed to name someone or something Erszebet. I even told my good friend, Jessica, who was expecting at the time, that she should name her daughter Erszebet... well, she didn't. (It's okay, Jess! I have another idea.)

So then, I thought: a CAT. Of course!! We need to get another cat and I'll name her Erszebet. Only problem? Zeke stopped me at the "another cat" part and he's right. We already have three!

Then, it came to me. My sweet Mommy got a new car years ago. Her first brand new car ever. She was SO excited! So excited, in fact, she decided to name her new "baby". The name she chose? MOONLIGHT. Is my Mom cool, or what? :)

So, I remember teaching a Young Women lesson a few years ago about Homemaking and I found this quote: 

“One striking observation we made while in Holland is that the homes in that tiny land have choice personalities. The window sills in those red brick homes with the red tiled roofs are always filled with rows of flower pots—usually containing geraniums. The windows are large—with never a blind or a screen to cover them. These glistening windows add to the sparkle of the home’s personality. Many of the homes are named. Above the door you might see names such as: Sunny Corner, Sunbeam, Sun Cottage, Peace Haven, Tranquility, or Peaceful Nook. … Warmth and sunshine and pleasantness, together with peace and tranquility and contentment! These are the things which make a house a home” (Daryl V. Hoole, The Art of Homemaking [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1967], pp. 117–18).

I was SO fascinated by this concept of naming your home. It just spoke to me. I thought and thought about what I would name our home and what color the sign would be and how it would be so cool and change our life forever.... ??? Yeah, I have a BIG imagination. Still no name for our old house up to the day we moved in June.

Now you can see where all of this "chain thinking" and loquaciousness might be going, right? Anyway, when we decided in April to build a home, I thought, "I'm going to be just like the people in Holland (I mean most of my ancestors are Scandinavian, that's kind of the same thing, right? Sorry to all the Dutch and Scandinavian people if I've offended you!). I'm going to name my house." 

The name will be (big surprise here...)

ERSZEBET

If anything, this opportunity is an absolute miracle and has shown us "God's abundance" and for that, we are truly blessed!

I even considered doing an entire blog "The Quest for Erszebet", but no, I can barely keep up on one blog. I also don't want to count my chickens before they hatch, so to speak. If I post about the house, just look for Erszebet in the title.

Here is a sketch from the builder that looks a bit like what Erszebet will look like. (Kind of like an ultrasound before the baby?!?!?!?) Yeah, I'm a freak. Anyway, we've done quite a few changes to it and I'm thinking (today, at least) it's going to be grey with red brick and a black door and black shutters and a big robin egg blue sign that reads, "Erszebet" right above the door:

cute, isn't she?

It has been a bumpy road, though, waiting for the sale of our old home to go through. I came across a really great quote yesterday in the June 2012 Ensign from Elder Neal A. Maxwell, 

"The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best?"

The lady that wrote the article, Carolynn Spencer, then said, "My desire to alter the Lord's timing had been the cause of my anguish."

Wow. Okay. I do trust God. I think I do. I hope I do. I need to sit back and watch it unfold.

I need to be patient... 

FOUR

Four Children
Four Different Schools
Four Back to School Nights
Four years old -- Beck wants to be older SO bad!!
Four + Two = the number of hours until I need to go pick up the kids from school
Four - One = the number of cats in our house :)
Four x Four = Sixteen = the number of years Zeke and I have been married (he just reminded me!:)
Four months since I have blogged!
Four months to the day until Christmas Eve!
Four months until our house is finished (that is, once they start...)
Four + Four = the number of weeks we have been waiting for the loan to close on our house (not including the four weeks standard wait after the offer was signed).
Four = the number of days left until we close (I hope!)

Four books I'm trying to read right now:

• "Hunger Games" (finally, I know! Thanks, Tawnya)
• "Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
• "To the Rescue" Thomas S. Monson Biography
• "Throne of Fire" -- number two in the Kane Chronicles series from Rick Riordan

Four things on my grocery list:

• Black fingernail polish (Zoe and Kaia's request)
• Dreyer's Coconut Bars (a family favorite)
• Coriander (I need it for my pulled pork recipe)
• Honeycomb cereal (Gabe's request)

Four things I miss about my old house:

• Lora
• My yard
• Four bedrooms
• Neighborhood kids

Four things I should be doing instead of blogging:

• Laundry
• Dishes
• Trim Beck's nails
• Clean litter boxes

Four minutes = how much longer I can spend on the computer until Beck has a meltdown...

How I spent my summer "vacation"

Swimming

lots of swimming

Sweating

I feel like I've been melting all summer

Crying

this summer has been hard

Correcting

all I need is a whistle and a black and white striped shirt!

Comforting

leaving our home of 9 years has been hard on the kids and cats (and me) - Zeke is a rock!

Changing

Cleaning

TOO MUCH cleaning and I'm sure it's not enough. 
Thanks, Lora!

Packing

Un-packing

Praying

Pleading

Pricing

Pondering

Planning

Phone-calling

Emailing

Meeting new people

More phone-calling

More emailing

Buying LOTS of popsicles

Watching "Cake Boss"

(and sorry to say, lots of Dinosaur Train and Pound Puppies -- "Fuhget aboud it!")
Buying cake 
(notice I didn't say baking)

Watching "The Adventures of Merlin"

if only I could look like Morgana and not BE like Morgana!

Having LOTS of picnics

Hiking

Spelunking

Going to the fair

Thinking

Wishing 

Hoping 

Dreaming

Stressing

Obsessing

Waiting

Waiting

Waiting

Waiting

Just surviving

 and LAUNDRY

oh, the laundry -- especially towels!

Oh, I did NOT do any yard work! Bonus :)

A summer to remember, but glad to be through it really.

What did I miss the most?

the things I need the most:

Good friends

Good books

How did you spend YOUR summer vacation?
(Man, I hope I get an A on this!)

Blogging is cheaper than therapy...

It's been almost 4 months since I've posted on my blog. I'll backtrack later (maybe).

All I know is that it has been 4 months of CRAZY.

In a nutshell, we are (hopefully) building a home. Yes, I can hardly believe it. More details about that later.

Somewhere around the first of May, I felt like I didn't need to blog anymore, like it was just one extra thing to take away what little free time I don't have. I actually unpublished my blog for awhile... just didn't want to mess with it during the move and I was having issues with the idea that anyone could read it. Well, obviously I'm past that now.

Suddenly, I regret not keeping a blog during all of this insanity. To go back and remember and laugh and look how far we've come...

I've come to a realization. Blogging helps keep me sane. Blogging helps me vent and purge all of those crazy thoughts and fears I have at 3am. Blogging helps my husband get more sleep at night. Blogging helps me be nicer to my children. Really. It sounds like a contradiction, but I need to MAKE time to blog. I need to create and think and have somewhere to put my thoughts -- and I'm NOT talking about "to-do" lists! It's good for me. :) There. Done.

Today, by the way, is the first day of school for my 3rd grader and HIGH SCHOOL Freshman..... What the??

My 6th grader starts tomorrow and my preschooler starts Monday.

I'll post pictures later...

Things I've learned in the last 4 months:

• We are selling our house --- just because you have an offer on your house doesn't mean it is actually sold.
• When you move from a neighborhood and more specifically from a ward (group in Church) -- you find out FAST who your real friends are.
• All of our belongings fit quite comfortably in a 1000 square foot apartment. Huh. And we're moving because.... well, because we feel like we are supposed to, because we want a more functional floorplan, because (hopefully) we sold our house.
• It's better to laugh than to cry; crying gives me a headache. (I think Marjorie Hinckley said this, but I know it is so true.)
• Peppermint Oil works great for a headache. Rub it on your forehead, temples, and the back of your neck.
• In general, I like things to be quiet -- unless people are laughing.
• People can change. (I hope that includes me.)
• Zoe, my 11 year old daughter, is one of my best friends.
• Cats are the "gateway conversation" with a teenager. ALWAYS. Cats are comforting. Cats are quiet for the most part, much quieter than children or dogs. Cats are funny. Cats make me smile. Cats make everyone in our house smile. Smiling is a good thing. However, I don't like cats sleeping on my face!
• I like structure. More than I realized.
• I have a shopping habit. I like to buy stuff. I even like to buy groceries... sick, I know.
• I like hiking and swimming and sitting under the trees at Merlin Olsen Park.
• Being a parent to a 14 yr old boy, 11 yr old girl, 8 yr old girl, and 4 yr old boy is HARD. I have to interact with each one in a completely different way and usually all at the same time. I still haven't figured out how to do this effectively.
• I also like playing Mario Kart on the Wii. I come in last place every time, but hey, it's fun.
• Zeke and I are getting older... good older, but just older. It's so weird... I remember having a major crush on him when I was in 8th grade and he was in 10th...
• Zeke is SO patient with me. WOW! Honey, I'm hoping by resuming my blog you can have some peace.

I could go on and on...but last of all I've learned that I need to blog! In the last 4 months I've had several people ask about my blog and it's meant so much to me. Thanks! I've missed you.