Three years ago...Today? Tomorrow?

My little one, Beck, was born on February 29th, 2008. Leap Day.

A Leap of Faith. We really felt like someone was missing from our family. We waited nearly 4 years for him to come. And now it feels like our family is complete... and really CRAZY!
Leap Day makes me think of crazy, unexpected things...
Beck is all that and more.

He came 3 weeks early and had a rough start for a few days...

My niece, Angee, took this picture on his blessing day.
He was just about 8 weeks old.

Gabe was SO thrilled to finally have a brother!
Beck aka "Gune" from Titan A.E.

1st birthday: cake overload
(My first baby to actually EAT most of the cake, not just play in it)

2nd birthday: Remnants of the train cake...

He loves music! I would have to say his favorite song right now is "Apologize" from Timbaland/One Republic. He sings it all the time.
"...it's too wate to powagize! it's too waaaaaate!"

He loves to dance and play Guitar Hero.

Oh, have I mentioned before that he LOVES trains?

I love you, Beck. You have more energy and attitude than all of your siblings put together. Some days, I wish you would nap longer, but you give the best hugs and eskimo kisses ever. And whenever I say "I love you, Beck", you always say, "wuv you too, Mama" and it makes it all worth it.

If you ever feel incompetent, just read this and you'll feel much better.

Okay, so I am a total LOSER. Really. Really. I am so upset with myself tonight. Have you ever felt so completely stupid that you wish you could go back in time and fix just how completely stupid you are. YES! I am using the word STUPID! I had a good cry or two tonight.

Okay, so here's the nasty details: I carpool with two other mothers and their children for elementary. My friend, Colleen, picks my girls up EVERY morning without fail. And I pick everyone up after school (my two girls, Colleen's daughter, and another girl). Well, imagine being one of those mothers and your daughter doesn't come home from school. Why? Because your good 'ol carpool buddy, Lacy, completely and totally forgets! Yes, I'm serious. I totally spaced it. Yeah, I am really that LAME. Don't ask me to do anything remotely important because I might just forget. I just realized that LAME, LOSER, and LACY all start with L. Coincidence? I think not. :(

So today, well, to plead my case here... I'm a total nutter. Maybe? But today was crazy. Okay, so it was Gabe's Birthday. 4 of us (including me) woke up sick: fevers, headache, sore throat, achy. I called Colleen to tell her not to pick up Kaia and Zoe and I said, "But I'll pick up the other girls at 2:30." Then, I put Gabe back to bed, put a movie on for Zoe and Kaia, and put myself back in bed because Beck was still sleeping and I felt horrible. Anyway, Beck woke up about 8:30 (so much for a nap) and he was NOT sick at all. Which is good -- of course I don't want my children to be sick. But when I'm sick... it's all I can do to function, let alone chase Beck.

Okay, so I spent the day trying to keep Beck from climbing all over the girls, trying to make Gabe's birthday cake, and trying to help Zoe study for a spelling bee tomorrow at school. All I wanted to do was crawl in bed and hold still. And it happens to be the end of the trimester tomorrow for Gabe and he had a few pages of Math homework he had to turn in today by 3pm or else, so all I could focus on was 3pm, go to the middle school at 3pm and turn in Gabe's homework. Poor kid. He's sick on his birthday. He slept almost all day. I wish I could have. Blah.

Anyway, to make a long story longer... I headed over to the middle school at 2:45 and didn't think twice about going to the elementary to pick up my friend's daughters... (Name this movie: I went to get a manicure and I forgot to VOTE!)

So tonight around 6, Colleen called and said, "Are you okay?" She figured I must be dying or something since I forgot to pick up the girls (I wish I had that for an excuse). And I was like, "Yeah, well, I haven't been feeling very good today and OH MY HECK! COLLEEN, I AM SO SORRY!!!!" I didn't even remember for a minute. Can I just tell you how horrible I feel? Colleen was quite nice about it. She always is. She's put up with a lot from me. We used to serve in the Young Women's Program together and we've been carpooling for at least 4 years now. I guess the girls went back inside the school and called the other Mom, Lanette. Thank goodness. Lanette, I'll call you tomorrow and apologize profusely as well. I would die if my girls were left at the school. Colleen and Lanette, I won't blame you for a minute if you come murder me in the night. Really.

Oh man, I am going to bed. I really wonder if I'm losing it. Really. I can't remember anything anymore. I can't concentrate on anything and I just feel slow... do you know what I mean? I know that sounds like an excuse, but I seriously feel like I'm... you know... a few beans short of a burrito or something? Am I just getting old? Is it lack of sleep? Is it hormones? Is my brain turning to goo? I just don't feel good. I have felt "off" for a few years and it seems to be getting worse. :(

Sorry...... I am so sorry, Madison and Makenzie. Poor girls. As soon as I got off the phone with Colleen, this song popped in to my head and it's stuck. I like the song... but honestly this video is so weird! It feels like the dreams I have right before the alarm goes off and I'm kind of awake but not really. Lurpy! ha ha, my favorite new word and now I can't remember where I heard it. Lora? remind me what we were talking about on Tuesday?

Lucky Number Thirteen -- Birthday Preview

Today is Gabe's 13th Birthday! I can't believe he is 13. Wow. I feel old, but in a good way.

This week has been crazy busy, but in a good way. I've been substituting at my friend's preschool, because she has been sick. I really enjoyed being there. Get better, Julie. :)

Zeke's Dad came for dinner on Monday. Zeke's Aunt and Uncle came for dinner last night. You know, I enjoy having company. I am so thankful that they make the effort to come see us. All of them.

Anyway, I'll do a big post about Gabe later (if he lets me). But here's some pictures with his new guitar! His face says it all:

I love you, Gabe. We've been through a lot together and I think for the most part we still like each other. That is very significant. :) Wish us luck as we enter this new phase of life. We're gonna need it.

(Four times four) times Two!

Thanks to Dedra and Kate for the tag :) You girls ROCK! I figured since I got tagged twice... I'll do eight of everything because I had a hard time narrowing things down to just four. Lucky me!

Four (x 2) places I go:

• Smith's Marketplace (on Main always, not the one on 4th!)
  
• Church
• Elementary School
  
• Middle School
• Doctor's office
• Library
• Temple
  
• Tandoori Oven

Four (x2) favorite smells:

• Rain
• Steak
  
• Fingernail polish
• My Mom and Dad's House
• Zeke
• Baby Lotion
• Gasoline
• Something baking in the oven, especially pie or bread
  

Four (x 2) favorite TV shows/movies:

• Mythbusters
  
• Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
• Elf
  
• Despicable Me
• Bizarre Foods
  
• Avatar: The Last Airbender (The cartoon series from Nickelodeon --only this one!)
  
• My Neighbor Totoro
• You've Got Mail
  

Four (x 2) recommendations:

• A pet. Any kind. Animals definitely have a place in our human world, and the responsibility learned from having a pet is a good thing. (I had to copy Kate, I agree 100%)
  
• Have all of your recommended cancer screenings done as much as needed no matter what!
  
• Don't ever start playing Tetris. Believe me.
  
• A Library card. Don't leave home with out one. (ditto, Kate)
  
• If you don't feel like being pleasant, courteous, or kind -- Act that way and the feelings will come.
• Look for the positive in everyone around you, especially your family.
• Drink LOTS of water.
• Eat less. Move more.
  

Now, I'm supposed to tag 4 (x 2) others:

Lara
Angee
Hilary
Lesa
Tawnya
Lora
Lorie
Shauntae

Look what came in the mail!

Okay, so it really happened. I am NOT dreaming. Zeke really did graduate from Utah State in December! Really. His diploma came in the mail on Friday. (They don't have a Fall Commencement anymore -- he'll walk in the Spring. And we are going to have the biggest party ever!) It has been a LONG time coming. I'm so proud of you, sweetie!
and I am SO glad it's OVER!!!!!

Surreal... but Nice

Valentine's Day was great. Beck and I went to the Elementary School and helped with the Valentine's Tea. It was really fun! The kids get all dressed up in their "Sunday Best" and they learn table manners and etiquette and such and then, they get to sit down to a little "tea party" with cake and punch.

"Peace, Mom"

Zoe was really excited for Valentine's Day:
I painted their nails that morning:
Then I told them to be silly:
It comes quite naturally to them:

Zoe at the tea party with her class:

Kaia with her class:

When Zeke got home from work, he brought flowers for ALL the girls. (And I didn't get a picture of him walking in the door! Dang!! He looked so cute.) Sorry for the lovely backdrop... our kids don't hold still very long. Our photography "rule" is very similar to golf: "Play the ball where it lies." Um, we need to change that. That's Beck's "potty chart" in the background and our trim still isn't finished along that wall. Well, it's us.Beck wanted a picture with the flowers too:

For dinner that night, we made heart-shaped pizzas and had ice cream sundaes with all sorts of fun toppings. We put the kids to bed early and curled up together and watched a movie. We also had Spumoni ice cream of course!

My husband is my very best friend. I just realized I didn't get a picture of us together... I need to do better. Well, here's an oldie, but a goodie. This is from Girls's Choice 1990 or 91? Yes, that really is me behind all that hair and make-up! Good times :)
Just FYI, I also have a very cool 12 year old son... he does NOT want to be on my blog... unless it's something cool. Well, Gabe, our definitions of cool might be different, but I love you anyway :)

Bangs, Layers, and Therapy

My dear friend, Nicki, cut and styled my hair last Wednesday. I never know what I want and she is so patient and helpful and nice. Too nice. I'm a pain. This woman puts up with a lot. I don't like pictures of myself, but Nicki is the BEST! I tell her stuff I wouldn't tell anyone... seriously, Nicki, you have some insane blackmail on me if you ever need it. Thanks for making me feel better today :) Now if only I could fix it like she does.
Do you like the bangs?

Here's the back of my hair...and a basket of laundry in the background...

Nicki, I owe you big time!!
Especially for trying to take a picture of me...sorry, I just could NOT stop laughing!! or blinking.

P.S. I actually survived the weekend with my Father-in-law :) I may have learned a thing or two as well.

Well, that's a first!

Okay, so today was crazy busy. Payday = Grocery shopping day. Zeke's Dad is coming tomorrow to stay for a few days and we were out of almost everything anyway, so I went shopping with Beck this morning. I started down my list, got halfway through the store and looked down to see that my cart was completely FULL already!

I really needed to get my shopping done today so I can clean my house tomorrow (fun fun!) So I pushed the cart up to the service desk and said, "Um, I'm not done yet... can I leave this here?" I don't know why I felt so weird. Please tell me you have filled two grocery carts in one trip before (and NOT for girls camp!) This was a first for me. The girl was really nice, "Sure, I'll have someone get you another cart."

Okay, quick plug for Smith's -- they are SO nice there. And it's so quiet and clean and the aisles are wider than any other store in Cache Valley. Really, I measured them. No, just kidding, I didn't, but my sanity meter tells me they are, so there!

So one of the cart guys brings me another cart. I transferred Beck, his blanket, and sippy cup to the new cart and raced off to fill it up. I felt like I was on that old game show "Supermarket Sweep." Did you ever watch that? I'm ashamed to admit I loved that show and secretly wanted to be on it. You don't have to watch the whole clip, but seriously you have to see what I'm talking about!


Okay, so I relaxed a bit once I got shopping again and that's when things went from bad to worse. I was in the school supplies looking for some tape and a man walks up to me and says, "Excuse me, isn't there another Smith's here in Logan?" And I said, "Yes, it's on 4th North..."

Okay, now just so you can put yourself in my shoes,
this is roughly what the man looked like:

And NOT Shia LaBeouf... Jon Voight (aka Mr. Sir from "Holes")!!! yeah.
(FYI: I got this picture from allmoviephoto.com)

As I attempt to walk away, he goes on to say, "Now isn't 4th North the best way to get up to the Utah State campus?" And I'm still walking away, "Yep, it is..." I finally look up to notice him smiling, "So are you a college co-ed up there?" *Sound of screeching brakes and cars crashing* WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I couldn't quite tell if he was trying to hit on me or what... but I said, "Um, well, like 15 years ago... " (walking away faster) He smiles, "Oh boy, you gotta be kiddin' me, what did you study, you sure look smart..." And that is where I interrupted, "Well, you have a nice day, Sir!" (I almost ran!) It was terrible, just terrible. Eww. Eww. Triple eww!

Other than my husband, no one has flirted with me for forever, but an old guy? That's a first and I am rather freaked out and slightly depressed by it. Seriously, this guy was at least 60!

Do I look like a college co-ed to you?
No, I don't think so. Okay, so I didn't look exactly like this,
but I absolutely love this picture of me.

I booked it for the toy section and wandered around for awhile. Beck totally scored a transformer toy while I was hiding out. (I was distraught!!)

When the coast was clear, I finished shopping and headed to the check out. The cart guy brought my other cart to me and boy did I get some funny looks! Anyway, I kept apologizing profusely to the cashier... as I was leaving, he patted me on the shoulder and assured me he's seen much worse.

Here's the loot:

I just know I could win Supermarket Sweep -- especially if an old guy was trying to flirt with me. I could run REALLY fast!

Primrose Epiphany

I'm getting really anxious this week. Zeke is out of town for work and when he gets home, his Dad is coming to visit us for a few days or so. I haven't seen my Father-in-law since Christmas 2007. This will be the first time he meets Beck! I hope it will be a good visit. Our house is really squished and really loud! I get stressed when we have company. Do you? I need to have more faith.

I'm also very tired. I can't/won't go to sleep when Zeke is gone. I've been making a lot of progress on my quilt though (and playing too much Tetris). I also cleaned out my fridge -- like wiped down all the shelves and stuff. I don't remember that last time I did that. Maybe it's a good thing.

Anyway, on Saturday, I had this amazing epiphany. My institute teacher called them "A-ha!" moments. It was awesome :)

Let me back up, I had a post ready to go a few weeks ago titled "February Fool." I was going to complain about how silly it is when the grocery stores start to sell primroses the first week of February. And even sillier because everyone is so desperate for any hint of Spring in their lives, they buy them all up only to have them die a week later.

I told myself last year I was NOT going to buy any primrose. And I didn't. I can't tell you how much money I have wasted buying those darn things. They're so beautiful! And I'm usually not a total plant killer. But within a week or so the leaves turn yellow, the flowers shrivel and the plant dies. EVERY TIME. So when I saw them in the grocery store this year, I laughed to myself and scoffed at all the old ladies lining up 4 or 5 of them in the front basket of their cart. Not me, I won't be fooled this time. I know better.

Well, the very next day, my sweet hubby picked up some groceries on the way home from work and he surprised me with two beautiful little primroses. How could I resist? He is so sweet and I knew I wanted some, but I didn't feel so silly since I wasn't the one who bought them, right? They look so beautiful in my kitchen window. They really make me feel happy. When I look at them I know Spring will come eventually; no matter how much snow is still on the ground. They give me hope.
I watered them right away and didn't think much about it. I normally water all my houseplants once a week and that seems to work just fine. But the very next day however, the primroses were starting to wither and yellow. NO! Not again!! :(

Well, I wasn't going to give up yet! I felt the soil and it was dry even though I'd just watered them. I put just a little more water in each one. Within an hour, the primrose perked right up. But the next morning, they were wilted again and there was ice on my window, so I thought it was just too cold for them to thrive. But again, I checked the soil... and it was dry. So I watered them a little more. And they looked great for another day.

This went on for a week or so and finally last Saturday, I was washing dishes and admiring how pretty my little primroses were...WHAT?! Wait a minute, they're usually dead by now. And then, the Spirit washed over me and literally filled my whole body and I saw myself reading my scriptures and remembering how much better I felt on the days I did. I've been trying to read them first thing in the morning EVERY day.

These little flowers were dying, because I wasn't giving them a little bit of water EVERY day. They didn't thrive when I dumped a full glass of water on them once a week. They needed daily nourishment. Just going to church on Sunday isn't enough for my testimony to thrive. I need DAILY nourishment too. I'm sure you can see where I'm going with all this. But for me and my stubborn mind, prideful heart, and young testimony, it was truly AMAZING!! And when I looked closer, I even saw new buds and leaves growing! :) They weren't just surviving, they were thriving and growing! Progressing :)
Alma 32: 37-43 "And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit.

38 But if ye neglect the tree, and take no thought for its nourishment, behold it will not get any root; and when the heat of the sun cometh and scorcheth it, because it hath no root it withers away, and ye pluck it up and cast it out.

39 Now, this is not because the seed was not good, neither is it because the fruit thereof would not be desirable; but it is because your ground is barren, and ye will not nourish the tree, therefore ye cannot have the fruit thereof.

40 And thus, if ye will not nourish the word, looking forward with an eye of faith to the fruit thereof, ye can never pluck of the fruit of the tree of life.

41 But if ye will nourish the word, yea, nourish the tree as it beginneth to grow, by your faith with great diligence, and with patience, looking forward to the fruit thereof, it shall take root; and behold it shall be a tree springing up unto everlasting life.

42 And because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst.

43 Then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you."

Off to Neverland!

I guess it's time to grow up! I made No-Bake cookies with the girls the other day and well, I ate about 6 (or maybe 10) of them and surprise: I got REALLY sick!

It makes me think of Jim Gaffigan... he says he must be lactose intolerant because he had 4 milkshakes one night and got sick. Hmm, I wonder why?



Or when Wendy's father, Mr. Darling, has decided it's time for her to move out of the nursery because it's time for her to grow up. It's time for me to grow up and just have one or two cookies! DUH.

From Peter Pan --

Mr. Darling: "Dash it all, Nana, don't look at me like that. It's nothing personal, it's just that... well, you're not really a nurse at all, you're... well, a dog. And the children aren't puppies, they're people. And sooner or later, Nana, people have to grow up."

Wendy: I'm so glad you came back tonight. I might never have seen you.
Peter: Why?
Wendy: Because I have to grow up tomorrow.
Peter: Grow up?!
Wendy: Tonight's my last night in the nursery.
Peter: But that means no more stories!
Wendy(crying): Mm-hmm.
Peter: No! I won't have it! Come on! Off to Neverland!!

(photos from Google images)

This is me--

Lacy: I'm so glad I made more cookies tonight. I might never have anymore...
Cookies: Why?
Lacy: Because I have to grow up tomorrow.
Cookies: Grow up?!
Lacy: Tonight's my last night I'm going to make myself sick, I just can't stop eating them!
Cookies: But that means no more cookies!
Lacy(crying): Mm-hmm.
Cookies: No! I won't have it! Come on! Off to the kitchen!!

"absolute poppycock!"

My mom says she feels like an addict, because she still eats too much chocolate, but it's so good it's worth getting sick for... I know how she feels, but my view of getting sick and eating too much chocolate might be changing... well, for today.

I'm feeling very random tonight. My sweet hubby had to go out of town for work this week. :( The kids and I took him to the airport. I had a bit of chocolate (Yay! and didn't get sick!)

Listened to some old songs on X96 on the way home... thought my kids would like them... started singing and well, stopped. Did it really say that?! Some of the music I used to listen to was just plain rotten and I didn't even know it or care, I guess. But some of it's still good :) Ahh, the memories!

Hopefully, I can be productive... I want to finish my quilt at least.

P.S. What mother assumes her son has no (middle) school today, because her daughters don't (elementary)? Apparently me! Yep, Gabe had school and I thought he didn't.... sheesh! Really, am I qualified to do this? I'm not so sure.

Egg Toast and I-Spy Quilt

I'm pretty random most days...

and behind on stuff...

I wanted to share a recipe with you each Friday, but today's Saturday;
I'll share one anyway.

This isn't really a recipe, it's another way to cook eggs. Zeke said his Mom used to make these when he was growing up. They called it "Egg Toast." My kids LOVE them. (We do too.)

So you take a piece of bread and cut a hole in it. You can use anything really: the rim of a cup works great, or you can use a cookie cutter for special occasions. I used a duck this time. I thought it would be funny since I'll be cooking an egg inside of it, but it looks kinda freaky. :)

Then you heat some butter in a skillet, kind of like you're making a grilled cheese sandwich. Put the bread in. We like to cook the cut out piece for a matching piece of toast. Crack the egg and pour it into the cut out part of the bread. Can you tell what I'm saying from the picture? My brain feels foggy today. I like salt and pepper on mine (the egg, not my brain).Cook it on one side until the bread is toasted/grilled. Flip it over and cook it until the egg is done how you like it. I like "over-easy". If you cook it "over-medium" or more, then it's not runny and your kids can take it on the bus if they're running late (if the school bus driver is okay with them eating on the bus of course).

Yummy! My kids say it's good with ketchup, but I think ketchup is evil.

Okay, now switch gears. I've been reading a fun blog called: Note to Self... Kate really has a talent for sewing and she's given me the bug.
I'm not that talented, but I enjoy sewing anyway.
My Aunt Barbie gave this quilt to Kaia when she was born.
It's an "I-spy" Quilt.

The quilt blocks feature different items on them and the names of them are written all around the edge with a fabric marker. My kids love to lay on it and find all the items.

I've started making one for a good friend of mine. I'm using denim from our box of old jeans to fill in the gaps between the blocks. I did 5" by 5" squares with 2" by 5" denim strips in between. I hope it turns out cute. It's a good way to use up small fabric scraps. I'll show you when I'm done.

One of these things is not like the other...

Trying to come up with a title for today's post. Things that came to mind: "One of these things is not like the other" or "Alien from another planet" or simply "My first time at Book Club"

My awesome neighbor, Lora, invited me to her Book Club (well, I hinted on her blog that I would be interested in coming and she agreed to let me... wow, she's really nice and I'm a freak.) I hadn't even read the book for this month! Lora is so fun to be with and last night I found out what a dear friend she really is. Thanks, Lora, you know what I mean. Here's her blog: Thoughts... and Then some. She's very funny and random and sarcastic and awesome and yeah. Did I tell you she likes 80's hair bands? We were meant to be friends!

I won't tell you how nuts I really am. Here's just a sampling... I was so nervous to go to Book Club last night that I made myself sick. Literally. I couldn't eat before, during, or after. My stomach was not happy with me. I was stressing out fixing my hair and stuff while Zeke was getting dinner ready for the kids... and somehow it felt in a very bizarre way like I was getting ready for a date or something. Don't worry, Lora, at least I didn't wear perfume, that would be going too far... oh man, I need help. I almost changed my mind, but my wonderful husband made me go. He was helping me decide what I should wear. How cute is that? He's definitely a keeper, but I already knew that.

Did I have fun? yes! Do I fit in? NOT EVEN CLOSE. Am I okay with that? yeah, I think so.

But hey, it was a very good eye-opener at how socially inept I really am. These last 3 years or so, I have given up a lot. Our lives were so busy, there wasn't much time for a "night out with the girls" so to speak. I'm so thankful that I could serve in the YW while Zeke was in school. Probably the craziest, most insane times ever, but it "forced" me to be with people and get away from my kids. I really miss it.

To: Lora, Amanda, Emily, Tawnya, Maggie, Lacey, Katie, Deb, and Shari, "Thanks for making me laugh so hard I thought I would pee my pants and thanks for making me feel welcome." (In that order!!)

We are quite an eclectic mix of women. I'm one of the oldest, but I feel like I'm 80 compared to these women. I really liked what Lora said on her blog:

"At book club we aren't moms, we're not teachers, we're not professionals, we're not wives. We are women. We are women.

Women who come together once a month with full acceptance. Women who have been judged and have learned that no one can be judged. Women who have stories. Women who have lived different lives no matter how much "in common" some seem to have. We are women who are friends, who care about each other dearly no matter how new to the club. Women who like to laugh and have a good time. Women who need to laugh and have a good time. Women who appreciate each other for who we are."

That really struck me. I think I've forgotten how to be anything other than a wife and mother. Four children is a FULL TIME job. What do I do? Take care of my children, try to keep up on my house, watch movies and play games with Zeke when the kids are/should be in bed, sew and cook and make messes, and try to have a social life through blogging and Facebook. Now that sounds depressing in a way, and it isn't most days, but it's all I know and those little moments can make it all worth it. You know a day goes by... and a week, then a month, and then you look back and you've been a "stay at home Mom" for nearly 13 years!! YIKES!

I know my children so well. They know me (more than I want them too sometimes). I'm here to help them with homework and fix their favorite meals. I'm here to pick them up from school when they get sick or to go see their class program or costume parade on Halloween. I'm here to play trains with and give hugs to my crazy little man, Beck. I honestly don't think any day care provider or good friend could handle him. I love him. Some days, I must confess I wish I had a "job" and I wish Beck was older and he'd stop flicking yogurt on the CAT!! (Dang!! let me go clean that up!)

Revenge of the Marshmallows

Gabe in 2001
(Wordless Wednesday)

Here's the skinny...

NO, this isn't Cindy Brady. This is me when I was about 5 years old.
Kinda cute, huh?

I've been wondering at what age do we stop thinking we are cute?
I was eleven years old. Middle school and puberty can be brutal.
What happens to our self-image? Why are we so hard on ourselves?

This post is probably going to be "blog suicide", but John Mayer sings, "Say what you need to say" right? Okay people, I have some things on my mind that need to be said. And if I offend you, that's not my intent. Please, don't let yourself be offended.

I really appreciated my friend, Stephanie's, post yesterday. I'm relieved to know other people feel the same way I do. When I'm driving on I-15 through Salt Lake and Provo, I feel completely bombarded with offensive and crude billboards advertising plastic surgery and liposuction and such. I don't want to see it and I don't want my children to see it. The media makes me feel like I'm not good enough in any way, shape, or form. Literally.

Why do women feel so pressured to look perfect? Why do so many women in Utah feel that way? Honestly, I feel that way sometimes too. I hate feeling that way; I know it is Satan working on me, trying to bring me down and keep me from focusing on what is really important.

1 Corinthians 3:16-17 "Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are."

There's a really cute story in the February 2011 Friend called "Beautiful" (page 44). I don't think it's online yet. We read it during FHE last night and I hope my girls got something out of it. I did. I'm almost 36 years old and I still struggle with feelings of low self-esteem. But I've noticed that when I'm consistently reading my scriptures each day, serving others, saying my prayers, and all the little things we're supposed to be doing, I don't feel so bad about myself. For me personally, I also find if VERY important to stay away from media that sends me the message that "I'm ugly" (This can be very hard to find in today's world.)

Speaking of the word "ugly", isn't that an awful word? I don't know about you, but I do NOT allow that word to be said in my house about anything. I think it is very derogatory and harmful. On Sunday during sharing time, a little girl said loud enough for all to hear, "Ooh, look at the girl, her face is SO ugly!" I was horrified to say the least. I don't know who she was talking about nor did I turn around to see. I told her that isn't nice to say and she responded, "Well, it's true." What are we teaching our children?

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland says in this amazing talk, "I plead with you young women to please be more accepting of yourselves, including your body shape and style... In the kingdom of God, the real you is 'more precious than rubies' (Proverbs 3:15)." I know this includes all women, regardless of our ages. I also know we must be more accepting of others.

Are we judging others simply based on their appearance? I had a very interesting experience last week. I have a very good friend who has been my friend since the moment I met her over 7 years ago. I don't know if she reads my blog, but if you do I LOVE YOU! And I hope you don't mind me sharing this story. We went out for ice cream the other night and I noticed several people staring at us (not in a nice way). I don't know how to say this without offending anyone, but my friend really struggles with her weight, mainly from health problems. I don't know if they were staring at me or her, but I could feel my face get hot and my heart start to pound. How dare they judge?! They don't even know us! It was very awkward and I never realized how rude people can be. I felt sorry for my dear friend and I wish other people knew how funny, smart, and beautiful she is! People are so quick to stereotype and ostracize others who look different.

Please, dear blog friends, as small as it may be, I have something I want to get off my chest! Now I know exactly what you're going to say, because I've heard it all before, but I have felt severely ostracized and even ridiculed just like my friend. You see, I have been "blessed" some people might think ... and again how do I say this without offending? Well, I don't really struggle with my weight. And there's nothing special about me other than I have a lot of health problems that prevent me from gaining weight. I know some of you may be thinking "Oh, poor baby, I wish I had your problems!" Well, I'll trade you and see what you think! I don't feel very good most days and it's a real slap in the face when someone "wishes they were like me".

You never know why someone looks the way they do; big or small or somewhere in-between. Don't assume anything. Think before you speak. Do people have to be the same size in order to be friends? No way!

I cannot tell you how many people; so-called "friends" and even complete strangers, have walked up to me and said this, "You are so skinny, I hate you!" I know that sounds silly, but it's cruel. Would you ever walk up to someone and say, "You are so FAT, I hate you!"? No one would EVER say that. Think about it.

This is one of the best talks ever. I know that President Monson is inspired. I really like this quote: "Charity is having patience with someone who has let us down. It is resisting the impulse to become offended easily. It is accepting weaknesses and shortcomings. It is accepting people as they truly are. It is looking beyond physical appearances to attributes that will not dim through time. It is resisting the impulse to categorize others."

I love this quote from Sheri L. Dew: "Why can't we resist the urge to second-guess and evaluate each other?...Sometimes I wonder if the final judgment will be a breeze compared with what we've put each other through here on earth." (No Doubt About It)